Oh, if learning from our mistakes was as easy as asking “miss-know-it all” Lucy for help!

One of the biggest mistakes I (Trisha) made in our marriage was in the area of physical intimacy. I went to sex education class in 7^th grade. Unfortunately, I made poor choices in high school that made sex education more than just a textbook. By the time I met and married Justin I brought enough baggage of sexual brokenness with me that I forgot what life was like without it.

We got married young. We had kids young. Most of our adult life Justin and I experienced numerous “first time” experiences together.  The poor guy had to experience what it was like to purchase famine products for the first time after being married less than 24 hours!

Learning how to have a healthy sex life was no exception. We both came into our marriage broken but because we waited to have sex with each other until we got married, we honestly convinced ourselves that staying pure with each other would cover all sins. We were wrong.

I made the mistake of viewing physical intimacy as an afterthought rather than a foundational part of our relationship. Even worse, I eventually used it as a means to get back at Justin. It was my weapon.

When Justin came home late… again…

When Justin didn’t help around the house…

When Justin embarrassed me in front of our small group…

When Justin didn’t meet my expectations my response was to get back at him by refusing to be intimate with him.

When I think about it now, it’s a wonder that we didn’t self-destruct within the first couple years of marriage. It wasn’t until I almost lost my marriage that I finally realized how lost I was in understanding God’s purpose of sexually intimacy. I was on a mission to figure it out and what I found was a panoramic view of intimacy I had never seen before. The definition of intimacy is to be fully known. God calls us to be fully known by our spouse emotionally, spiritually and, yes, physically.

Read what 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 says:

“It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I am often asked how was I able to be sexually intimate with Justin after the affair and his ten-year addiction to pornography when my view of sex was already so messed-up.  What I love about this passage is that it answers the question for me. Anyone can have sex-but intimacy comes with a price. You have to give more of yourself emotionally, lean into each other more spiritually and the end result is an intimate relationship that surpasses any person’s fantasy. Why? Because its not fantasy at all. Fantasy feels good in the beginning but in the end it leaves you empty. Pure, God centered, intimacy is long lasting.

This type of intimacy grows over time and leaves you constantly longing for each other and no one else. Not pornography… not another man or woman… Nothing. It truly becomes an act of serving each other in a way that no other relationship was meant to fill.

I love that! I can honestly say over the past seven years God has redeemed every single choice from our past and given us not only a healthy view of sex but rather a continued desire to serve each other “whether in bed or out”. Sex is no longer a tool for us to get what we want but rather a cherished gift from God in which to serve one another.

Did you have a clear understanding of sexual intimacy going into marriage?

We started this blog series Monday, talking about the mistakes that we allow to creep into our marriage. These are the mistakes that probably won’t cause divorce, but they will keep us from experiencing the marriage we long for and the marriage God has in mind for us. First, we talked about scorekeeping. Yesterday, we talked about sweating the small stuff. Today is part three.

The number one goal I had when Trisha and I got married almost 17 years ago, was to avoid conflict. Well, “have sex as often as possible” was actually number one; avoiding conflict by default was number two. In all seriousness, I didn’t see conflict as a good thing at all. When Trisha and I would get into arguments, I wouldn’t fight back, I would tell her that she was right and I was sorry.

Over the course of the first few years of our marriage, this desire to avoid conflict developed a pattern in our marriage relationship. I would think everything was okay in our marriage as long as we weren’t arguing, so I tried to keep the peace as much as possible. Trisha began to realize that the only way to truly get my attention was through an argument. So she would get angry and start a fight. I would respond by wanting it to end as quickly as possible and she would stay mad until I apologized. “I’m sorry” were the magic words in my mind. I said them a lot.

During one argument about nine years into our marriage we were pretty intense as I had learned to fight back at this point. I could tell that I was gaining no ground and I wanted to move on with my day. I simply said, “Why don’t we save a lot of time and energy here, and you just tell me what I need to apologize for, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry’ and we can both move on.” It was a statement of deep intimacy and love…or not.

This was a mistake that was holding us back, because here is the deal: Saying you’re sorry and being sorry are two different things.

When you say you’re sorry, you do the minimum requirement to restore peace and make the conflict go away. When you say you’re sorry your behavior rarely changes for the long haul. When you simply say you’re sorry your intention is to end the argument, not resolve it.

Being sorry is completely different. Being sorry often doesn’t require an apology, because your actions demonstrate it. Being sorry brings heart change not behavior modification. Being sorry doesn’t just seek to end the argument, it tries to leverage the conflict to build intimacy.

Avoiding conflict will never improve your marriage. It is fools gold. Avoiding conflict allows you to believe everything is okay, when everything isn’t okay. It allows you to believe that saying, “I’m sorry” will fix everything, when sometimes, “I’m sorry” is the mistake that is holding you back.

Do you embrace or avoid conflict in relationships?

We started this blog series yesterday, talking about the mistakes that we allow to creep into our marriage. These are the mistakes that probably won’t cause divorce, but they will keep us from experiencing the marriage we long for and the marriage God has in mind for us. Yesterday, we talked about scorekeeping. We continue today with part two. 

On Wednesday, October 12, 2005 I woke up and didn’t know where I was. I looked around the room and nothing looked familiar. I was in a bed that wasn’t my own. I was in a house that didn’t belong to me. As I sat up in the bed, I could see all of my clothes stacked up against the wall. In that moment the reality of where I was came crashing down. I was separated from Trisha and our boys because of the destructive decisions I had made that resulted in my choice to have an affair.

In that moment, everything changed. I realized all of the time that I had wasted sweating the small stuff in our marriage.

It is a mistake that many of us make in our marriage relationship. We give level 10 responses to level 2 issues. We go off about dishes not being done. We fly off the handle about our spouse being 10 minutes late. We get so upset when our spouse forgets to pick something up from the grocery store. If we are honest, we waste a lot of time being angry about things that don’t really matter. We treat the person that means the most to us really bad over things that are pretty insignificant. We sweat the small stuff and it robs us of our ability to enjoy the big stuff.

Our separation put this is perspective for me. When I was living in someone else’s house; eating around someone else’s table; spending time with a family that wasn’t my own, I didn’t care about toys that weren’t picked up or dinner that wasn’t ready or laundry that wasn’t folded. More than anything else, I just wanted my family back.

Are you sweating the small stuff in your marriage? Are you so consumed with all your spouse doesn’t do right that you can’t even see all the things they do well? Do you give level 10 responses to level 2 issues? Are you wasting time focusing on things that really don’t matter?

You don’t have to end up separated from your spouse before you understand this mistake. Maybe the mistake that’s holding you back from the marriage you desire is a matter of focus and perspective. Change that, and you can change your marriage.

Do you struggle with sweating the small stuff in your  marriage?

We are going to launch a blog series this week called Mistakes that Hold You Back. Most of us that are married long to have a great marriage. Often times it isn’t the big, catastrophic things that hurt our marriage, it is the small mistakes we make without even noticing that keep us from having the marriage God has in mind. This week we are going to talk about four mistakes that most of us make in our marriage that if we recognize we can stop allowing them to hold us back from the amazing marriage we long for.

Our youngest son, Isaiah played Upward Basketball this past season. Upward is a Christ-centered athletic program that does a great job teaching the fundamentals of basketball while at the same time teaching the kids about God and sportsmanship.

To reinforce the value of sportsmanship, the league doesn’t keep score. So all during the game, no matter what time you look up at the scoreboard, the score is 0-0.

I decided to coach Isaiah’s team this year and this was our first year in the Upward program in Nashville. What I realized after our first game was that our team was good, like really good! We crushed the first team that we played…I mean, I assume we did, but I didn’t know the score.

At halftime of the second game, I was walking off the court to go talk to our kids at halftime and the opposing coach came up to me. He said, “Maybe you could take it easy on us in the second half. You guys are up 34-10.” I looked down and he had a notebook and had been keeping the score the whole time. After the game, we met the kids and parents in a room off of the gym to hand out snacks and recap the game. Every single kid knew the score, because their parents told them.

So while they weren’t keeping score…EVERYONE was keeping score.

The same thing happens in our marriages doesn’t it? You say you don’t keep score, but the truth is you know exactly how much you’re winning by. You know the score. You rehearse the score over and over in your mind. You know the last time they messed up. You remember the last time you won an argument. You know the chores they didn’t do. You know the last hateful thing they said. You know the week and month of the last time they promised to come home for dinner but were late. You say you aren’t keeping score, but in your heart, you know the score.

The problem with score keeping in marriage is that while it appears that one person wins and the other loses, the reality is that both people lose. The person that is keeping score is usually bitter and resentful and the person that constantly has the score thrown up in their face usually walks on eggshells and tries to avoid arguments.

Both spouses feel defeated and exhausted.

One of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage was scorekeeping. The deceptive thing about scorekeeping is that it probably won’t cause divorce…but it will prevent you from having the marriage God has in mind and you long for.

What if there was no scoreboard? What if you truly started living as if 1 Corinthians 13:5 were true: Love keeps no record of wrongs.

Scorekeeping has no winner.

Is scorekeeping an issue in your marriage?

A few weeks ago I posted this picture on Instagram. It is a picture of Trisha mowing the yard and me cooking dinner. I tagged it with the phrase,

“This is how we roll.”

The picture sparked all kinds of comments. Most of them making fun of me for making my wife mow the yard. It was funny and I have no problem admitting my failure at man stuff. I get made fun of all the time for being a better cook than I am a mechanic.

But here is the deal: This is a picture of our marriage working well.

Trisha and I spent the first ten years of our marriage trying to change each other into the person we thought the other should be; rather than celebrating who we each were created to be. Our attempt to change one another only left us frustrated and defeated.

So often in marriage relationships we place expectations on our spouse that even on their best day, they can’t live up to. For me, that was cooking. I had this preconceived notion that when we got married, Trisha would love to cook and would have dinner waiting for me when I got home from work. Trish doesn’t like to cook and always felt the pressure to live up to my expectations. She never felt joy and she was never celebrated.

I’m not too fond of yard work. It isn’t that I don’t like being outside, I just really don’t enjoy mowing. I would consistently wait until our yard needed bailed like hay before I would mow. Trish was constantly frustrated with me because she likes our yard taken care of and didn’t understand why I would put it off so long. I resented every time I mowed. I hated it.

We went out one night for dinner and the question was asked, “What area of our marriage brings you the most stress?” We each started listing things that we either weren’t good at but felt the pressure to do; or things we didn’t like but felt like it was expected of us. Mowing for me; cooking for her. So we switched. She likes to mow; I enjoy cooking. Amazing!

It may seem like a little thing, but I bet there are things in your marriage that suck the life out of your spouse. There are probably tasks that you do in your marriage that you can’t stand doing. What if you stopped expecting each other to be something you’re not? What if you stopped trying to change your spouse and started celebrating who they are? It was a game changer for us.

Maybe the best question you can ask your spouse is, “What area of our marriage brings you the most stress?”

Two things happen when you start talking about this: you set your spouse free to be who they are and in the process you are set free from your need to change them.

(P.S. You don’t have the power to change them anyway; only God does.)

Just for kicks, what is one chore you do, but you can’t stand?

I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point on Sunday. We continued our series, Empty Promises, based on Pete’s new book. It has been a powerful series for our church, and for me personally. I talked about how easy it is to be addicted to our appearance.

Each week, we broadcast the message at our Internet Campus, and then following the message there is a live Q&A. Chris Surratt, the Internet Campus Pastor and I were talking during the Q&A, and in our conversation I quoted the scripture James 5:16:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Chris said something in that moment that was brilliant. He said, “The confession James is talking about  isn’t for forgiveness. It is God that forgives. It is for healing; healing that comes through confessing our sins to one another.”  I had never thought about it that way.

Most of us have the “forgiveness” type of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest; maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God; maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.

We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are safe sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, selfishness.

I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.

Temptation loses its power when we confess. 

Sin loses its ability to keep us fractured when we confess. 

Addictions lose the control they have in our lives when we confess. 

God knew that we would need two things to live in freedom in this life: the burden-bearing love of one another and the power of God through prayer. Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other…so that you may be healed. 

Will living this way be easy? No. Will it be worth it? More than you could ever imagine.

Healing may be a conversation away.

I (Justin) grew up with a pretty low self-esteem. Like most kids I wanted to feel valued; to be accepted by others; to feel good about myself. I got made fun of one summer when I was wearing shorts, and called “chicken legs”. I didn’t wear shorts for a few years after that. Self-esteem is a fickle thing. It isn’t something that either you have it or you don’t have…it comes and goes.

Sometimes when you have a high self-esteem it only takes one insult; one harsh word; one failure; one break-up; one tight fit in the dressing room; one lost job; one financial mistake to completely destroy your self-esteem. Self-esteem is easier to lose than it is to gain. People are driven by self esteem. There are books about how to raise your kids’ self-esteem. There are seminars about how to improve your self-esteem.

Lots of people making lots of money on how crappy we feel about ourselves.

Can I share something with you that has set me free and I think can set you free?

There is a huge difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth.

Self-esteem is conditional. Self-esteem factors in your brokenness. Self-esteem is your perception of you. Self-esteem gathers all of your hurt, all of your rejection, all of the lies you believe about yourself and allows you to rehearse those things over and over again in your mind. Self-esteem remembers the one insult you received last week and forgets the ten compliments you got. Self-esteem is an emotional roller coaster that leaves you never looking good enough; never being smart enough; never achieving enough; never accumulating enough.

Your self-worth is God given. Your self-worth is non-negotiable. Your self-worth is based not on who you are, but on who God is. Your self-worth can’t be taken away; it can’t be degraded; it can’t be robbed. Your self-worth was given to you before the creation of the world. Your attractiveness, your beauty, your weight, your complexion, your hair color, your smile, your body shape, your tax bracket, your employment status, your marital status, your past mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your self-worth. You are valuable for the single reason that you were created in the image and majesty of God.

You are valuable because God sees you as valuable.

How much would your life change if you stopped living out of your self-esteem and starting living out of your self-worth?

Christ didn’t die to give you higher self-esteem; He died to demonstrate your self-worth.

Do you struggle in seeing the difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth?

Hey guys! It is great to be back with you after we’ve taken a couple of months off. I know both Trisha and I definitely needed some time to recharge and refocus. God taught us both some things over the past few months that we are eager to share with you. Thanks for being a part of our community.

On Saturday, Trisha and I drove to Indianapolis and participated in the Indy Mini Marathon. Three years ago we registered for the this event and due to some injuries, we had to run the 5k instead of the 13.1 mile half marathon. So this race has been our goal since 2009.

Here are a few pics of our race. We had a blast, and tried to make it an experience and not just a race to run.

The race was going really well and Trish and I were running at a 12:00 minute pace. At each mile marker we would fist bump and congratulate one another…until we got to mile 10. At mile 10, the limited amount of training I did for the race caught up to me, and my legs started cramping up. Trish spent the next 5 minutes helping me stretch my legs. The next three miles would be at a much slower pace. We finished the race, but could have finished much faster had I been in better shape.

As I ran, I saw thousands of people in front of us. It was obvious that we weren’t going to win this race; but our goal wasn’t to win, it was to finish.

Our goal wasn’t just to finish it was to finish together. Finishing together was the win. 

We didn’t compare times with other people; we didn’t wish that we were somewhere else; we didn’t try to compete with or out perform other runners…we were just trying to finish.

How many times in our marriage do we focus so much on things that don’t matter as much as finishing together? We compare our marriage to other marriages; we compare our spouse with our friends’ spouse; we focus on our spouse’s faults and shortcomings that don’t matter nearly as much as finishing…together.

Maybe there is a lack of joy in your marriage right now. Maybe your sense of fulfillment is a distant memory.  Can I offer a few suggestions?

-Shift your focus from competing with your spouse to competing for your spouse.  Does your spouse feel that you are for them or against them? Do you feel your spouse is for you or against you? Seeing your marriage as a race to be run together rather than a competition between you and your spouse can make all the difference.

-Celebrate the mile markers along the way. A fist bump can go a long way. Too often we are so focused on what’s next or what’s wrong or what didn’t meet our expectations that we don’t take time to celebrate the journey along the way. Some mile markers you can never get back; celebrate them along the way.

-Wait for each other. There will be times that you are running at a different pace than your spouse. Rather than resenting them for not keeping up, stop and wait for them. The value you add in that process is priceless.

-Just finish. There will be times when it is painful; when it is messy; when it will feel like you can’t go on; when discouragement and dispare over take your heart. Dig deep and keep running.

As you run this race, know that we are running with you, and cheering for you along the way. 

Trisha and I became acquainted with Kasey Van Norman through our literary agent, Jenni Burke. We not only share an agent with Kasey, we share a publisher as well. Kasey’s first book, Named By God releases today from Tyndale House Publishers. As new authors,we reached out to Kasey and told her that we would be happy to review her book and help promote her book release. That day is TODAY!

Honestly, it was more of a kind gesture…I had no idea what to expect with her book.

A few weeks ago, Kasey sent us the digital version of the book. I downloaded it and before I even opened the first page, the sub title captured my heart. Named By God: Overcoming your past, transforming your present, embracing your future.

There isn’t a subtitle that fits more closely with what our RefineUs community is about. The book itself is just as good as its subtitle. If you’ve ever been haunted by your past; frustrated with your current circumstances or questioned God’s involvement in your future, this book is for you! This book is a powerful reminder that our past can be forgiven. Our hearts can be transformed. Change is possible. Healing is what God does best. God has named us and set us apart for a destiny that is far beyond what we could ask or imagine.

As a gift to our readers, Kasey sent us 3 signed copies to give away. Here is how you can enter to win:

1. Leave a comment below and let us know your name.

2. Copy and paste this to Twitter: Enter to win a FREE SIGNED copy of @KaseyVanNorman’s new book Named By God from @justindavis33 http://t.co/SIXxAHR9

3. If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can share it on Facebook by clicking HERE

On Friday, we’ll pick 3 winners and send you a free book!

Even if you don’t win, you can buy Kasy’s book on Amazon. You can also check out her WEBSITE.