8 Things That Destroyed our Marriage- Part 1
For most of our marriage I looked to Valentine’s Day to make up for a lot…I wanted Valentine’s Day to put some romance back in our marriage. I wanted Valentine’s Day to make up for how much time I spent at the church and not at home. I thought Valentine’s Day could make up for all the times I said I would be home for dinner and wasn’t… said I would take my day off and didn’t… said I would not put the church first, but did. So tonight, we want to launch a blog-series that will bluntly share with you the mess ups and the mistakes that led to our separation and near divorce 3 1/2 years ago. (If you don’t know our story you can listen to it by clicking the link ”Podcast” from the Our Story section.)
How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a young and growing church choose to walk in one Sunday afternoon and tell his wife he wants to end it all? How do you get there? What are some of the ingredients to a marriage that hits rock bottom like that? Most of the mistakes we are going to share are in no particular order…but this first one is THE most important thing you can do to protect your marriage. It is simple, but hard. It seems churchy…and cheesy…but is so powerful. It is the most talked about thing, but the most overlooked thing in a “Christian” marriage. I believe if you never read another thing that I write, but correct this one thing, your marriage will change. This was our biggest mistake and this nearly destroyed our marriage…
#1- We rarely prayed together, and the way we prayed for each other was selfish.
How ridiculous is that? Trisha and I are leading a church, helping people find their way back to God, praying for people after the service, praying for people in our small group, praying for marriages of people we are counseling…and yet there was a barrier in our marriage when it came to praying for each other. It is totally embarrassing…but we just didn’t do it. When I did pray for Trisha I would pray in a selfish way that God would change her because she was driving me nuts or making me angry or nagging at me about something.
When we were separated I realized that I was the one that needed to change…even if Trisha never changed, I was desperate for God to change me. What we have learned is that yes our marriage is emotional…yes, our marriage is physical…but more than anything our marriage is a SPIRITUAL relationship and if we don’t take that seriously, the very foundation of our relationship will be eroded little by little.
I want to encourage you to not make the same mistake we made. You can improve the quality and depth of your marriage beginning tonight. I would love for you to share your thoughts on this idea of praying with and for each other and how it has played out in your marriage/relationship…
29 Comments to “8 Things That Destroyed our Marriage- Part 1”
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Great writings Justin! Thanks so much for sharing this!
-Keith
Justin and Trish…I’m just saying thanks for sharing your story and I’m really looking forward to this series. It will be helpful to many I’m sure, including me. I love how God is using you.
Having Christ as the “center” of a marriage is the wisest thing a couple can do. Who on the planet has had more compassion, more understanding, the most patience, more acts of forgiveness and was the least selfish than Jesus Christ. All the tools that make a great marriage can be found in Him.
Great series Justin.
Hey guys, thank you for this! It’s is brilliant the way God is using you! We love you both. Mike and Heather
Justin and Trish…
I really didnt know you when I was at LCC…Justin you were gone playing ball somewhere else then came back…
Anyway, I really appreciate your blog and all that I have read…really looking forward to part 2-8
Thanks
Jeff Hunt
hey friends….i love this blog too. i can only imagine how it encourages and challenges people. i can’t wait to be married so i can put into practice your wisdom
: ) thanks for sharing your story and for living it out f
the last comment was from Jen…not sure why it says “elegant” LOL
Hi Justin and Trisha.
I am so excited about this series. I have just made it through part 1 and am ready to read 2 and 3.
I love that you talk about praying as a couple. This is an area that I struggle with. Actually, I struggle with just praying. This is definitely something that I am working on.
Thank you both so much for posting this for us all to read.
You are both so special and always will be in my life.
Carrie L. Dawson
My wife and I find more peace together when we pray. If we do not pray it is like there is no true communication between us, and we are doing life without God helping us. We are two not three. We have peace through prayer, we have intimacy through prayer, we have been so blessed when we pray. I changed my heart during a tough time of her pregnancy through prayer. She had several more months of struggles with pregnancy, so would still be pregnant so I had to change, and God helped bring about the maturity and change I needed for us.
Oh I love this…this should be required reading for anyone getting married and heck for those who are already married! Love it and can’t wait for the next in the series.
Found you through Brandi…awesome post. I look forward to reading the rest!
God is so glorified when we share where we failed and how He fixed it
Fantastic post. Thank you for writing this. I’m looking forward to reading your other posts.
[...] 8 Things That Destroyed Our Marriage”. You can read the posts on their blog HERE. In the first post Justin wrote… How does a husband of 10 years, a father of 3 awesome boys and a pastor of a [...]
[...] week and are trying to update our blog as well. It is not complete just yet. Pete talked about our marriage series and you can find that by scrolling below. Thank you for your patience as we update our site. [...]
Honest, real and great post!
I look forward to the next posts…
Hey, found you through Pete Wilson. I’m looking forward to reading this series and the next on restoration. Read a couple posts already and you are brave and generous to let us into your insight. God bless.
[...] the blog, they walk through the 8 Things That Destroyed Our Marriage and then the 8 Things That Restored Our Marriage. Even if you’re not married yet, this is [...]
Thank you!!!
[...] The first post starts here and then you can read forward from there. They are currently doing a series of posts on the ‘8 Things that Restored our Marriage’. I will post it in entirety when it is finished. [...]
Hello Michael Whennen from WiseReaction.org Australia here.
Well done Justin & Trish, I like what I have read so far will be returning. Look Forward to recommending your blog.
Thank you for being open about real things. I started praying with my wife this year (18th year of marriage!) Crazy. Not that we never prayed, just not regularly. We only prayed when we felt like it (code for when we didn’t really NEED to because things seemed to be going good). Jesus Christ has changed our marriage. Thanks for telling the story.
Justin & Trish, thank you so much for sharing your struggles and triumph. This is something that my husband and I struggle with as well. I long for this but there never seems to be enough time in the day. God is doing great work thru you! Y’all are in my prayers.
I think that you all have a lot of powerful things to share that will help a lot of people. But…I have a question. I don’t feel like it is fair, nor does it make any sense, that a person should pray for God to change themself, if it is their partner who is not honoring their marriage commitment. Now, clearly, no one is perfect. Everyone can pray for God to make them a better person. But why, hypothetically speaking, should a woman whose husband is cheating on her pray that God make her into someone her husband wants?? That just doesn’t seem fair or right or godly.
Jennifer, that is a great question and one that I want to answer with sincere sensitivity. The point of the post wasn't to say that a woman who's husband is cheating should pray that God changes her into some one he wants. The point was to say that independent of our spouse, we should pray that God changes us into the husband/wife that HE desires. When we begin to ask God to change us into the man/woman that God longs for us to be, God answers that prayer. We are able to love more, forgive more and draw more boundaries based on who God is creating us to be, rather than who our spouse wants us to be. The situation you describe is a painful one, but as we ask God to change our hearts, he gives us strength to become more of who He longs for as we go through the pain.
Just checking your website, I came across this "prayer confession" to which I will add a hearty agreement since Betty and I began in earnest to pray together 9 years ago. You learn a lot! Our 2 questions to each other that daily form our prayers are "What are you looking forward to today?" "What are you afraid of or concerned about today?" I have to listen more, hand Betty to God, and stop trying to fix everything! But I know her joys and her fears a lot better than I used to. Thanks, Justin and Trish, for your honesty. Marriages will be healed by what you've shared.
God lead me here. My husband and I are currently separated. I've learned so very much about myself and our relationship. I pray God enters our marriage, heals us from within, and leads us down our path together in a Godly marriage.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. It has been a great help.
Julie,
I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you and for your marriage! All things are possible with God. Our marriage is living proof of that! If we can serve you in any way, please let us know!
I am currently single but am learning and taking in all God says about marriage so that I can be prepared. Thank you for this.
Thank you for writing on this topic. Prior to my wife and I separating four months ago (reconciled now) we never prayed together or for each other. Now, since our marriage was restored we make it a point to pray together and for each other daily and nightly prior to bed. Looking at it now it's embarrassing because my wife led a youth ministry and Praise team and I was doing a Men's ministry. I feel there's few things more devastating to a marriage than not praying together and for each other.
Thank you for your blog and website.
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