8 Things that Destroyed our Marriage – Part 2
Spring break 2007 was the best family vacation we have ever had. We loaded up the mini-van and took off for Destin, Florida. Every time we went somewhere in Destin I said to Trisha, “This looks so familiar.” She kinda laughed it off, which was weird, because I wasn’t joking. We would go eat somewhere, or go to Wal-Mart or go to an outlet mall, and I would say, “Man, I feel like I have been here before.” Finally, I guess I got so annoying, Trisha said to me “Justin, we were on vacation here Spring Break of 2003! Do you not remember?” What she said hit me like a ton of bricks. We were in Destin, Florida for Spring Break, 2003, but I wasn’t on vacation…we were 1 week out from our first Easter Service at the church, and all I did was worry and stress and complain and work. I was there, but I wasn’t there. Maybe you can relate to this mistake that nearly destroyed our marriage…
#2-We consistently gave each other the left-overs from our day and not the best.
How does it happen in a marriage that over time, we stop giving our spouse the best of who we are and we give them what ever is left at the end of the day? Your boss gets your best or your clients get your best, or your customers get your best, your laundry gets your time and attention, and your Facebook gets its time, your to-do list gets priority…but at the end of the day, we settle for giving our spouse less than our best. Here is what is toxic…this becomes a vicious cycle that is hard to break.
I come home from the office and Trisha has the laundry done and the kitchen cleaned and the kids bathed, and dinner ready…and I walk in exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated…whatever…and all I say is “We’re having pasta again? Really?” With that one statement, with that one act of withholding my best, I have destroyed the effort that she has given to offer her best. You know what she is thinking in that moment “My best isn’t good enough.”
On the other hand, I leave work early, go buy flowers, find a babysitter, make dinner reservations and plan a perfect evening without the kids, only to come home and hear “You must be trying really hard to make up for something. If you think that this means you’re getting lucky tonight, think again!” That statement totally defeats a husband who has done what he can to offer his best. You know what I am thinking in that moment “Why should I even try, my best obviously isn’t good enough.” And so the cycle goes…
When Trisha and I were separated, I worked at P.F. Chang’s as a server. I went from speaking to 500 people each weekend, to “Would you like white or brown rice?” One night as I was closing my section, I had a table of several high school students that had come in for dinner after their school dance. They were loud and rude and made a huge mess and hung out so long that I was one of the last servers to leave. After they left, I was on my hands and knees under their table sweeping up rice and crushed up fortune cookies with my hands into a dust pan…I stood up and looked on the table, and they had left me a $5 tip! I thought I am busting my butt cleaning up after these kids who could care less about me…when is the last time I have done this at home? When is the last time I have given to Trisha like I am giving at P.F. Chang’s for a flimsy $5 tip?
What about you in your marriage right now? Who is getting your best? Maybe you are so concerned about a clean house you forget about the husband who lives there? Maybe you are so tracked on “providing” for your family, you fail to prioritize the family you are providing for. This is so subtle and it happens little by little…and it takes a conscious effort to battle this fatal mistake. Greatness doesn’t just happen…it is achieved by consistently giving your best…and that is true in your marriage. I say a prayer every single night on my way home and it goes something like this “God, I have given my best effort today at work. I have given my best to my boss, I have given my best to my clients, I have given my best to people I will never meet, and only care about me to the extent that it benefits them…help me give 110% to 4 people who love me unconditionally and deserve so much more than what I have given to others today.”
What are some areas that you know your spouse isn’t getting your best? That could be a great Valentine’s Day conversation!
12 Comments to “8 Things that Destroyed our Marriage – Part 2”
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very convicting, i love your insight, I’m sorry its from personal experience. Praying for you my friend. P
Thank you Polly…it has been a hard road, but God has redeemed it and is using our experience to share His hope with others…that is way cool!
Another great post, I stopped blogging myself, and gave up facebook for a long while so my wife would not always see the back of my head at the computer. I can relate to this too well.
These comments have brought me to tears, it describes me all to closely, especially given so much to my job, so much effort to provide for my wife and kids, when at the same time just given them leftovers at the end of the day… Thank you, I am just discovering your website and look foward to reading more… God Bless.
I agree with you. This totally describes me as well. I have to admit that I cried and still crying as I type this message. I always give 110% at work because I want to be known to be the best at my job. I've gotten promoted because of this. My wife stood by my side and she always encouraged me to be the best. At times, when I get so tired from working all day and going to school at night, I get so stressed out that I sometimes took it out on her or never appreciated the meals that she prepared for me when I got home. I feel like a J.A. but I'm doing something about it. I've been reading a lot of Christian influenced books on how to become a Godly man, husband and father. A lot of the books that I've read showed me the mistakes that I've made looking back. He is right, the little things do add up. I made a decision to be a better husband and father to my kids…Godly husband and father. Thank you.
Amen! I too give it my all when at work, but shut down when I get home to my wife and son from the day’s fatigue. But yet I can camp out on the computer for hours when my kid’s asleep.
Now this is hurting my marriage and am concerned that it could destroy us. And with a wonderful son who we both love, it would be a shame. Thank you for sharing and God bless!
I just wanted you to know that recognizing this is the first step to changing it. Now that you know, you can make a choice each day to do what ever you can to give your family your best. I would also suggest you tell your wife (if you haven't) that you recognize this and you want to change it. That will go a long way in her heart of giving you grace, helping you in this area and knowing that you are aware of it will do great things in her heart.
Wow! This is really awesome and very convicting. I am so guilty of this. Thanks for the post!
My recent post Sticks, Stones and the Gospel
Hi Justin and Trisha,
Thank you both for being so open about your relationship. My wife and I just graduated from college and got married last summer, and after only a few months in the world of work and bills we began giving each other little more than our "left overs." We became aware of the trouble relatively soon and have been taking more time to cultivate joy and intimacy in our daily lives since then, but I enjoyed reading your thoughtful post because it serves as encouragement for us to continue giving each other our best.
Wishing the two of you all the happiness in the world,
Crystal
My recent post I’m Tired of Having to Make a Case for Myself
Thank you for your ministry. Thank you for sharing. I, too, have been guilty of giving my left-overs to my family. I was actually convicted about this over a week ago – then I was directed to your site by my wife. She is so right. I want her to know that I am changing everything.
John, you are not the only one. If we can serve you and your wife in any way, please let us know. Praying for you.
Very convicting. I, too was guilty of this and I still have to make sure that I give my wife and kids my everything. Prior to my separation I gave work every bit of energy I had and by the time I got home I was spent. I would walk in, sit on the couch, watch t.v, answer business calls whenever my phone rang, would half listen to my kids about their days and wouldn't hardly listen to my wife about her day, and then I would find something to complain to wife about with dinner or something not being picked up in the house.
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