It is amazing how I can have what seems like conflicting and opposing emotions toward God…I am thankful for what I have, yet worried that I won’t have enough in the future. I am overwhelmed by his grace and mercy, yet wonder if he has forgotten all about me. I am appreciative for the opportunity to talk to him through prayer, yet wonder if he really hears me…I want to know his will for my life, yet desperate to inform him of my plans…I know…I am messed up.
Last night, I was reading Exodus 13:17-15:18…it is the story of Moses leading the people out of Egypt and across the Red Sea…epic story. The people of Israel are seemingly trapped with water on all sides of them and the Egyptian army pursuing them and they start whining and complaining to Moses that he should have left them alone as slaves in Egypt. Why did he bring them out to the desert to die? Why did Moses interrupt their lives to lead them this far, only to get them killed in the desert!?? I know how they felt…I have felt that way…I feel that way…you know the feeling where you feel like God has led you just enough to get your hopes up and then seems to be no where to be found? For the past 18 months Trisha and I have felt called back into vocational ministry…but not led to go anywhere…we are in what feels like spiritual no-man’s land…and are fighting to try to get out of it!
Then, Moses says this to the people of Israel in Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Being still isn’t my strength. This is a prayer to God I wrote in my journal after reading this verse…maybe you can relate:
I am worn out…worn out trying to fight for who YOU want me to be, worn out trying to fight against who this world wants me to be, worn out fighting the past, worn out fighting for some hope of the future….I am exhausted, disappointed and frustrated. I am worn out by worry, worn out by uncertainty, worn out by waiting, worn out by unmet expectations. I am fighting to try to serve you and it seems like you don’t want any part of it. Maybe that is your plan-to allow me to wear myself out trying to be YOU…maybe that is the prerequisite for you fighting for me…is for me to actually give up the fight. When I compete to be you, there is no worse form of exhaustion. Maybe I won’t know true victory until I actually give up and surrender (again). Surrender…my plans, my hopes, my timing, my picture of perfection, my desires, my preferences…maybe you are trying to teach me to be still so YOU can fight for me…maybe this battle really is yours after all.
I don’t have this figured out and I am still not entirely comfortable being still…but I know that God is more able to fight the battle for my future than I am. Maybe today you are in the midst of a battle…marital, financial, emotional, physical. Maybe you are exhausted from fighting…fighting with your spouse, fighting with your kids, fighting with your boss, fighting with your weight, fighting with your past, fighting with your shame, fighting with your mistakes, fighting with your self-image, fighting with God…could it be that God is asking you to realize (like me) that you won’t have the strength to usher in your promise land…only God can do that…and that through our willingness to surrender, our willingness to be weak and to give up, God’s power is made perfect and the battle becomes His to win. So many times I have to come to the end of myself before I get to the beginning of God’s best for me. Be still and the Lord will fight for you…it is a promise.
