Broke My Bones

Today, as I was running, a song shuffled onto my iPod that almost stopped me in my tracks. It had been months since I had heard it, and it was so timely in its message. When Trisha and I started Genesis Church in 2002, we met Michael Cook. Mike was a young song writer and worship leader that became the first full time paid staff member at our infant church. He and his wife Julie quickly became great friends. Mike was only with us for a year, before signing a record contract and pursuing his music career. In 2005, he released his first CD, Imprint. It was later that year that Trisha and I separated and I left ministry. During the time of our separation, a pastor friend of mine read a passage of scripture from Lamentations 3. He specifically told me he was praying that the words of this passage would come to pass in my life. That night, the song Broke My Bones shuffled onto my iPod…written by our worship leader Mike-I had never really listened to it until that moment. It was a song written directly from the words of Lamentations 3.

That same song played today, almost 4 years later. The lyrics rang in my ears in a new way.

Just when I thought that I was strong enough alone, you have broke my bones. Just when I had realized I’m weaker on my own, you have brought me home.

It hit me today how much I wanted to avoid being broken by God. How put together I always wanted to seem. I was talented, I was gifted, I was competent, I had a vision and a purpose. Even in the times that I felt insecure or unworthy or not qualified, I was determined to pretend like I was strong enough to overcome…as if brokenness was punishment or a sign of weakness. I spent so many meetings, so many sermons, so many conversations trying to prove I wasn’t weak, trying to prove how not broken I was, it eventually led to my destruction.

The truth about me these days is that God is breaking my bones. He is placing me in situations and circumstances both personally and in ministry that continue to remind me just how weak I am…just how fragile I am…just how dependent on Him I should be. It is in those moments that I am tempted to pretend like I can get by on experience or talent or relationships or giftedness…I am reminded that what I and others might perceive as weakness, Jesus sees as opportunity. In our weakness, He is made strong.

As I listened to this song with new ears today, I thought…”What a gift!” What a gift not to have all the answers. What a gift to not have everything figured out. What a gift to not know how to overcome some obstacles that lie ahead. What a gift to have a love-relationship with a God that doesn’t expect me to…in fact, he prefers that I acknowledge my broken bones…

The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit.You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51:17