The Absence of Conflict Rather than Presence of Intimacy
Over the past few months, Trisha and I have been blessed to share our story of brokenness, hope and redemption with individuals, couples as well as several churches. We are often asked a variety of questions about the affair, about the abuse, about pornography, about symptoms of dysfunction that we saw in our marriage before the affair. We have tried to address many of the questions in the 8 Things That Destroyed Our Marriage Series. Honestly, there were more than 8 Things that led to the destruction of our marriage.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to someone on the phone who had just admitted to an affair, resigned his position as youth pastor at his church, and is at the start of a very, very long journey. In the course of our conversation I said “I measured the success of my marriage by the absence of conflict, rather than the presence of intimacy.” If Trisha and I were able to get through a weekend without arguing-success. If I could go to an NBA game with some friends and not be made to feel guilty-success. If we spent an evening together at home and didn’t argue about finances, house chores, homework, overworking, extended family issues…then our marriage, in my mind, was healthy.
The success of my marriage was arranged around what we could avoid, rather than loving each other deeper, knowing each other better, sharing our dreams more, understanding our passions, growing more intimately with one another. We looked for the absence of conflict rather than pursing the presence of intimacy. The truth is that we settled for so much less than God longed for us to experience as husband and wife…it makes me sad to even think about it now.
I finished sharing this principle and learning with this guy and I felt like what I shared with him was helpful. I was thankful for the opportunity to be used by God in that way and I went to bed. The next morning I woke up to spend some time in prayer and Bible study before I started my day…and as I got out my journal, I felt like God said to me- “Justin, how you used to measure the success of your marriage is how you measure the depth of our relationship. You do the same thing with Me. You look for the absence of conflict, rather than the presence of intimacy with Me.”
The truth about me is that it is so easy for me to equate doing things FOR God with growing in my relationship WITH God. If life is going smooth, if my anxiety level is low, if my financial future is promising, if my family life is steady, if my stress level is under control…then my relationship with God must be growing in intimacy. If there is very little conflict and tension in my life, then that must mean that there is a presence of intimacy with God.
The reality is that I far too often settle for so much less than what God longs for me to experience with Him. I settle for counterfeit intimacy that I create through activity and service rather than authentic intimacy that is experienced through communion and conversation with a God who loves me.
Am I the only one on this? Anyone else measure their relationships by the absence of conflict rather than the presence of intimacy?
31 Comments to “The Absence of Conflict Rather than Presence of Intimacy”
Leave a Reply
UA-7672116-1
Wow – great message and so true!
Thanks Melissa!
That is so good Justin. I know that many times I've mistakenly thought my marriage was at a better place than it was simply because of the absence of conflict. This is such a foundational truth that every married couple needs to hear.
Thanks bro! Thanks for the retweet as well! Loved your blog post this morning…great stuff!
Justin – Thanks for your words!!! I am continually amazed how God is using you an Trish, and your openess to speak into the lives of so many people.
Scott…thanks for your encouragement. We so appreciate how God has used you in our life!
thank you for this. I needed it. i know it will speak to many couples. So glad I found your site.
Rachel, thanks for the comment! It is hard to be flat out honest at times…glad to know it spoke to your heart!
I have found that being transparent is often what speaks and ministers to others the most. Sometimes the truth can feel a little raw to let out, but people crave truth. At least I know I do.
Thank you for this post – it's something I needed to hear. And thank God for Twitter.. or I wouldn't have discovered it!
Thanks so much Abby! So glad that you found our site.
SO many truths spoken here! this is great for marrieds and singles alike. a must read!
very enlightening and eye opening. packed with wisdom…thank you!
Thanks so much Tam…have loved reading your blog. Thanks for sharing your story and allowing us to learn new aspects of God's grace through your story!
Yes, Justin. I have also measured relationships by lack of conflict rather than presence of intimacy. I have lived it, in so many ways. Great post.
@punkOnFire…thanks for the encouragement and your honesty. It is so hard for me to feel closer to God at times without admitting that I am not that close to begin with…thanks again!
Great post, Justin. As I read through it, I was mentally viewing my own marriage. Then when I came to the latter part of your post, I was punched in the stomach. This is a great reminder for me that my relationship with Jesus is what really affects all of my other relationships. Again, great post…keep them coming. Thank you for being obedient to God’s call on your life to minister to hurting couples.
So very true Terry. As I have come to terms with having to deal with a lifelong journey of pain management, I came to realize that my relationship with God impacted all my other relationships. Thank you for your honesty and we are on the road to healing (relationship wise). Peace and grace be with you as you continue on your new path!
Terry…thanks so much for your comment. It was a punch in the gut for me that morning too
What I have learned more than anything else over the past 4 years is that we are all broken and God longs to use our relationship with Him and with each other to find wholeness and healing. Thanks again for your encouragement!
you guys are AWESOME! love you both… thanks for always sharing your hearts with us.
You know we love you too! Thanks for your friendship and your encouragement! Love keeping up with you and Brian via your blog and twitter! We do need some Skype time soon!
Wow, for a moment I thought I was reading something I had penned myself. In other words, YES I have in times past measured my relationship with my wife, friends and God by the absence of conflict. Thankfully, I learned last year that I was in error and am slowly repairing relationships. For me, it was the presence of chronic pain due to a pinched nerve that started it all. Conflict became a way of life rather than avoidance. It took 10 years, but I finally got the point.
Thank you very much for sharing and for your honesty. God bless you both and never again settle for counterfeit intimacy! I do my best not to anymore!
Jeff, thanks for your honesty in your journey. It is amazing how we can live in different parts of the country and have such different life experiences, but be on the same path. Thanks for sharing your heart here and know that we will be praying for you as well!
Thank you so much – you will be in my prayers as well. Yes, it is amazing how we can come from different angles/paths yet arrive at the same place when God is involved. It is comforting to know that He is always with us ready to guide us if we let Him. Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts. Peace and grace be with you!
Hey! I found your blog via someone's tweet today, and I've been reading over the two "8 Things…" series and LOVE them. I have only been married for about twelve DAYS, but I can already see the value of making a conscious effort to recognize the things you're talking about. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom with the blogosphere!
Blessings,
Tabitha
Tabitha, thank God for Twitter!
You get the least dysfunctional marriage award since it is only 12 days old! 
Thanks for sharing your heart and we are so blessed to be able to share our journey with those it can help.
[...] The Absence of Conflict Rather than Presence of Intimacy | Refine Us refineus.org/?p=689 – view page – cached Over the past few months, Trisha and I have been blessed to share our story of brokenness, hope and redemption with individuals, couples as well as several — From the page [...]
Wow! I feel like I'm making some progress in my relationships with both God and my bride, but this is soooo true of me, especially as a "people pleaser." Thanks for sharing this great insight. Counterfeit was a great word to describe this!
Excellent post! Oh, how true. Hope things are going splendidly in Nashville. Praying for you guys.
I really enjoyed this post! Definitely a great reminder for me!!!
[...] August 27, 2009 by sarahbeyer I totally feel like I’m cheating since I’m about to give you the second link to follow in one week. HOWEVER, I am close to 100% certain that if you believe me and you follow this link you will be blessed by what you read. I can’t even remember anymore whose link I followed to find this blog the first time, but I continue to be encouraged by this couple’s thoughts on marriage. Justin and Trisha Davis nearly lost their marriage, but God restored it and they now regularly write about how and why. They also have some fantastic thoughts on following Christ in an authentic way. Don’t wait to read this…cause just as the name implies, it WILL refine you. Refine Us. [...]
That is so good Justin. I know that many times I've mistakenly thought my marriage was at a better place than it was simply because of the absence of conflict. This is such a foundational truth that every married couple needs to hear.