September 24, 2009 in Uncategorized with 109 Comments

Facebook Didn’t Destroy Your Marriage

I have been praying about this post the past few days…praying that God allows me to communicate my heart in a way that makes sense and helps provoke a change of perspective.

Over the past five months there has been a trending topic that has lead hundreds of people to our blog. The #1 search topic this month on Google that has caused people to click on our blog is this search phrase: “Facebook destroyed my marriage.” While I am thankful that people who type in this phrase end up on our blog, the statement itself is so NOT true.

We have conditioned ourselves to, more often than not, treat the symptoms of our problem, rather than the problem itself. Can I just say as candidly and as lovingly as I can…Facebook doesn’t destroy anything. Facebook didn’t destroy your marriage. Facebook might be the most visible symptom of the sickness that took root in your marriage, but Facebook didn’t destroy it.

-Lack of commitment might have destroyed it
-Selfishness might have destroyed it
-Not letting go of the past might have destroyed it
-Unwillingness to forgive might have destroyed it
-Lack of sexual purity might have destroyed it
-Not committing to telling the truth at all costs might have destroyed it
-Being more in love with your job than your wife might have destroyed it
-Finding your identity in your career, your looks, your wealth, your status might have destroyed it
-Settling for co-existing rather than pursuing intimacy might have destroyed it

(You can read the list of the things that Destroyed My Marriage Here)

My guess is that your marriage was in trouble long before Facebook. Do I think that Facebook can be used as a means of escape, a way to live in a fantasy world, an opportunity to reconnect with former relationships that could get between you and your spouse? Absolutely.

But, if you are seeking to escape from your spouse rather than pursuing your spouse…Facebook isn’t your problem. If you are looking for a way to reconnect with the girl you took to prom your junior year instead of treating your wife like the prom queen, Facebook isn’t your problem. If you need to create an alternate personality, an online persona, and a profile that impresses some guy in Fargo, North Dakota more than the real you impresses your husband…Facebook isn’t your problem.

What would it look like for men and women to come clean and be honest and vulnerable and transparent with their wife or husband, no matter the cost? Could Facebook destroy that kind of commitment? How powerful would it be for husbands to love their wives with the sacrifice and unselfishness that Christ had for the Church…could Facebook simulate that? How unappealing would some girlfriend from 20 years ago be if wives were determined to honor and respect their husbands as unto the Lord?

I am not saying there aren’t some inherent dangers to online social networks. But, I am saying they aren’t the cause of your problems, they just accelerate the visual evidence of your problems.

I may have opened up a can here, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject? Can Facebook destroy your marriage?

About Justin and Trisha:

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  • Trisha

    Interestingly enough my husband did reconnect with his old girlfriend on FB and they have both left their spouses and moved in together. No, FB did not destroy my marriage- it was destroyed before they even started talking.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Trisha, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the choices that your husband has made. I can't imagine the pain and hurt his choices have caused you. Please know you are in our prayers. If we can serve you in any way as you move forward from this tragic time, please let us know. Thank you for your honestly in your comment.

  • Trisha

    Interestingly enough my husband did reconnect with his old girlfriend on FB and they have both left their spouses and moved in together. No, FB did not destroy my marriage- it was destroyed before they even started talking.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Trisha, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the choices that your husband has made. I can't imagine the pain and hurt his choices have caused you. Please know you are in our prayers. If we can serve you in any way as you move forward from this tragic time, please let us know. Thank you for your honestly in your comment.

  • Lynne

    (PART 1)I totally agree with this post even though Im not married. Facebook has accelerate the visual evidence of problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. we have been together for over 2yrs here in the recent months he has created a facebook page. In the process I had to find out about his page through a co-worker on top of seeing his page and seeing that he has added ex-girlfriend and a young lady at work that I had a not so nice run it with at work. (F.Y.I Me and my boyfriend work together). I confronted him about his facebook page and asked him to remove the young lady we work with from his page and his ex's out of respect for his current relationship (me). I have ask him this numerous times and months later there still hasnt been any changes. His added friend but hasn't subtracted the two I asked him to. Now get me wrong there are plenty other females I dont know on his page but I only inquired about the two so please don't think I dont want him to have any females on his page.

  • Lynne

    (PART 1)I totally agree with this post even though Im not married. Facebook has accelerate the visual evidence of problems in my relationship with my boyfriend. we have been together for over 2yrs here in the recent months he has created a facebook page. In the process I had to find out about his page through a co-worker on top of seeing his page and seeing that he has added ex-girlfriend and a young lady at work that I had a not so nice run it with at work. (F.Y.I Me and my boyfriend work together). I confronted him about his facebook page and asked him to remove the young lady we work with from his page and his ex's out of respect for his current relationship (me). I have ask him this numerous times and months later there still hasnt been any changes. His added friend but hasn't subtracted the two I asked him to. Now get me wrong there are plenty other females I dont know on his page but I only inquired about the two so please don't think I dont want him to have any females on his page.

  • Lynne

    (Part 2)Problem one : I had to Find out about him having a facebook page through a co-worker HOW EMBRASSING and that accelerate the visual evidence that there is a lack of communication and Not committing to telling the truth at all costs. Because He had an open opportunity to do so when i discover he created a folder with all pictures of him self (which was the pics posted on his page) And he is not a picture person, It's just that im a photographer. But he hates taking pics ect…

  • Lynne

    (Part 2)Problem one : I had to Find out about him having a facebook page through a co-worker HOW EMBRASSING and that accelerate the visual evidence that there is a lack of communication and Not committing to telling the truth at all costs. Because He had an open opportunity to do so when i discover he created a folder with all pictures of him self (which was the pics posted on his page) And he is not a picture person, It's just that im a photographer. But he hates taking pics ect…

  • Lynne

    (PART 3)Second Problem: Befreinding a female that we both work with after the fact of me telling you me and her had a bad run in. Example they instant msg at work and now she is a facebook friend. To me showed Lack of commitment and Selfishness. Im not saying he's jumped in the bed with this women. But keeping it at Hi and bye would be approrate and keeping the peace at home. Especial if she was rude to your girlfriend then out of no where wants Instant msg you at work and be a facebook friend.

  • Lynne

    (PART 3)Second Problem: Befreinding a female that we both work with after the fact of me telling you me and her had a bad run in. Example they instant msg at work and now she is a facebook friend. To me showed Lack of commitment and Selfishness. Im not saying he's jumped in the bed with this women. But keeping it at Hi and bye would be approrate and keeping the peace at home. Especial if she was rude to your girlfriend then out of no where wants Instant msg you at work and be a facebook friend.

  • Lynne

    (PART 4)Third Problem: Adding an ex's girlfriend why is there a need to keep up with the ex's when you have your own home life with your current grilfriend to keep up with. And with adding her to his facebook page this ex's started to call and text him. and he claimed it was a friend checking up on a friend when he put his status as sick on his facebook page. He has had the same number forever and in the 2 yrs we have been together she hasnt been known to call or text him. The accelerate the visual evidence of his Selfishness and Not letting go of the past. ____Like I said before I have ask him to remove the two women and if he would have did so when I ask or atleast in a timly manner it would have displayed to me his commiment to this relationship, his unselfishness and his pat is his past and he is looking towards his future which should be me. I know this is a Chirstian blog and I dont what to be Judge, but me and my boyfriend live together and work together. I just feel that there should be a level of respect here and line drawn to keep our work life and personal seperate and adding people from your job is not doing so. I'm open to opinions,

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue Lynne

  • Lynne

    (PART 4)Third Problem: Adding an ex's girlfriend why is there a need to keep up with the ex's when you have your own home life with your current grilfriend to keep up with. And with adding her to his facebook page this ex's started to call and text him. and he claimed it was a friend checking up on a friend when he put his status as sick on his facebook page. He has had the same number forever and in the 2 yrs we have been together she hasnt been known to call or text him. The accelerate the visual evidence of his Selfishness and Not letting go of the past. ____Like I said before I have ask him to remove the two women and if he would have did so when I ask or atleast in a timly manner it would have displayed to me his commiment to this relationship, his unselfishness and his pat is his past and he is looking towards his future which should be me. I know this is a Chirstian blog and I dont what to be Judge, but me and my boyfriend live together and work together. I just feel that there should be a level of respect here and line drawn to keep our work life and personal seperate and adding people from your job is not doing so. I'm open to opinions,

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue Lynne

  • emma

    I used Facebook for a way to hurt my husband for the way he was hurting me whilst he was working away. He was never there when I called and once the hotel receptionist had to go find him in the Hotel bar because he wasnt answering his phone and our car had been broken in to! I had been alone with the children for the first time ever and was finding it very hard. He seemed not to care so I reconnected with a man I had been friendly with at school, he seemed to flirt with me so I flirted back and said some quite sexual things to him, things I wouldnt have dreamed about saying to my Husband let alone someone I hardly knew!! He found these meesages and our marriage has been in tatters every since. Although Facebook cant be blamed for this I feel that it helped me find a forum to do this where as before I wouldnt have found one????? There are obviously underlying problems but Facebook did play a huge factor!

  • emma

    I used Facebook for a way to hurt my husband for the way he was hurting me whilst he was working away. He was never there when I called and once the hotel receptionist had to go find him in the Hotel bar because he wasnt answering his phone and our car had been broken in to! I had been alone with the children for the first time ever and was finding it very hard. He seemed not to care so I reconnected with a man I had been friendly with at school, he seemed to flirt with me so I flirted back and said some quite sexual things to him, things I wouldnt have dreamed about saying to my Husband let alone someone I hardly knew!! He found these meesages and our marriage has been in tatters every since. Although Facebook cant be blamed for this I feel that it helped me find a forum to do this where as before I wouldnt have found one????? There are obviously underlying problems but Facebook did play a huge factor!

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