5 Things You Must Do To Restore Your Marriage After an Affair
Today, Trisha and I are starting a two-part post on things that you must do if you want to restore your marriage after an affair. I am writing part one today, from the perspective of one who has had the affair. She is going to write part two tomorrow, from the perspective of the spouse who didn’t have to choose restoration, but did. The title says 5 Things…I’ve listed 6. We have couples ask us all the time where to start this process…what MUST they do…these 6 things are where to start.
1. Totally Surrender and Repent Before God
There is a huge difference between being sorry for the consequences of your sin, and being sorry for your sin. I lived most of my life with a sliding scale of sorrow. The more severe the consequences, the more I was sorry. If you have a true desire to restore your marriage, superficial repentance won’t due. Allow God to crush you. Allow God to destroy every part of you that went numb to the pain you were causing your wife, your kids, your family, yourself. Allow Him to break your teeth against gravel, (Lamentations 3) and totally surrender and repent.
2. Cut all ties with the person with whom you have had the affair
This is a non-negotiable. I have talked with couples who have not done this, and 6 months later, 2 years later, 4 years later the emotional or physical affair begins again. Change your email address, change your cell phone number, sell your house and move, quit your job, go to a different church…whatever it takes to cut all ties with this person, you must do.
3. Submit every minute of your life to a trusted friend
For the first two months after the affair came out, I didn’t have much contact with my wife, Trisha. We were separated. I didn’t know if our marriage would make it, but I wanted to be a different person, even if she decided to divorce me. I would call the people I was staying with or text them with every move I made during the day. “I am working at PF Changs from 11-2, I am stopping by Starbucks to meet with Jeff, I will be to the house by 4PM.” I had lost the ability to be trusted and honestly, I had lost the ability to trust myself. I knew that I needed complete transparency in my life. Grace is free, but trust is earned.
4. Get to a Christian counselor that specializes in marriage restoration
This was a huge step for me, and for our marriage. My wife had asked me to go to counseling on several occasions before the affair. I was too proud to admit we had problems that I couldn’t fix. Initially, I went to counseling every day but Friday, for about a month. We then went 3 times per week for about 4 months. It was hard, it was vulnerable, it was uncomfortable…but it not only saved my marriage, I think it saved my life.
5. Come clean early and often as you try to rebuild trust
As you begin to uncover the lies and the deception of your affair, your spouse will have a lot of questions. TELL THE FREAKING TRUTH! For the first 30 days of our restoration, I held back parts of the truth I thought would be too hurtful, too damaging, too much for Trisha to handle. HUGE mistake. What your spouse needs is for all of the lies, all of the half-truths, all of the second guessing to go away. Only the light of truth can penetrate the darkness of lies. The more you tell the truth and the earlier in the process you share that truth, the more opportunity you give your spouse to hit bottom, so they can begin to heal. (This step is listed under counseling for a reason. Your spouse will need the help of a counselor to process all of the lies that are exposed in this step.)
6. Be willing to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage
I meet with people who have had affairs and they can’t believe their spouse wants to separate. They are upset that their spouse wants to see their cell phone. They are mad that their spouse has asked them to shut down Facebook or wants their password for their email. Give me a break! If you aren’t willing to quit your job to save your marriage…something is wrong. If you aren’t willing to stop traveling to save your marriage…something is wrong. If you aren’t willing to stop chatting over Facebook to save your marriage, something is wrong. If you have broken your marriage covenant with an extra marital affair, and you are saying you want to restore your marriage…put your money where your mouth is!
Are there things you would add to the list?
20 Comments to “5 Things You Must Do To Restore Your Marriage After an Affair”
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Excellent tips. I would add that if part of the problem that led to the affair was pornography that you need to deal with that as well. For a lot of women, it's the same as continuing a physical affair.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Justin Davis, Chris Surratt. Chris Surratt said: RT @justindavis33: 5 Things You Must Do To Restore Your Marriage After an Affair http://bit.ly/56NbPM // They have done this the right way [...]
I agree Jason.. Porn was the root of my problem and like any addiction, its progressive. For total healing, we've got to kill the root, the deepest part of ourselves thats trying to somehow fill an empty void.
So right on getting to the root. It wasn't until I went there that I could find true healing and restoration.
Such good advice. I'm so happy to see couples like you guys who have been through the hard stuff and are there to show people how to find help and wholeness. You are such an essential part of God's kingdom. We're proud to call you our friends.
P.S. – looking forward to seeing you guys this weekend!
Thank you so much Brad!
Justin & Trish…
LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! Amazing post!
#2 is SO important. so many people (mostly women) have come to me asking how to make their marriage work after an affair, but won't FULLY follow through with breaking off ties with the old relationship. they feel bad and don't want to hurt more people, they don't want the other person to hate them. blah blah blah… but what it comes down to is they don't want to hurt THEMSELVES anymore. whether it's self-preservation or selfishness… doesn't really matter. it's just focusing on yourSELF instead of your MARRIAGE.
#5 is AWESOME advice too. justin, i did the same thing you did… i didn't reveal everything because i didn't want to hurt brian more… but in revealing only PORTIONS of it, i only made it harder for him to trust me. it's best to put it all out there so everyone knows what they're dealing with.
thanks for posting this… miss you guys!
[...] posted his points here but you REALLY need to read everything in between for the full picture. CLICK HERE to read all of [...]
I found out my husband had been having an affair for 8 months with a person he works with. They still work together and it is really difficult for me to trust AND forgive when they are still in the building together. Reading your blog has been a great tool to try and help know that I am not alone. Great blog.
ckfall09…wow…I am so sorry. Trisha and I will be praying for you. You are not alone and there is hope and healing that are possible through it! Please let us know if we can serve you in any way!
My husband had an affair during his first marriage. That affair led to two children. He obviously divorced his first wife, and is now married to me. He HAS to maintain contact with the woman with whom he had the affair, because they share custody of the children. He shares ALL of their communication with me, and it is clearly (on his side) 100% about the children – he shuts down any attempts on her part to engage in personal conversation (including her angry/jealous attacks).
While I know he is faithful now, and through redemption has become a new creation – I still fear that having those ties with her may hurt us if our marriage hits a bad spot. But I also don't see how he cuts his children out of his life – being raised by her alone will only hurt them (she has not changed her lifestyle in any way).
Affairs hurt so many…
#5 works in addiction, as well. I wasn't a street drug user, but pain pills & muscle relaxers. As a pharmacist, people put their trust in me. I do have chronic pain due to nerve damage. I had legal Rx's, but chose to supplement my habit by helping myself. And was terminated from 2 dif chains. I can never go back to work for either. I didn't tell my husband everything. Like the fact that I lost the 2nd job for the same thing as the 1st. A year apart. I was clean 2 years before I told him. The look of disappointment on his face shook me. I may not know what he was thinking, but I can imagine it had to do with trust. And honesty. And what other lies was I omitting from the conversation. And then the guilt and shame run me over. Again. Thankfully, I have a God that helps me get back up, dust myself off, and continue on this journey.
Thanks @jclayville for the link.
you're welcome, shellie! you'll find great stuff here!
Shellie…thank you so much for your transparency in sharing your story! I love that we have a God that is there for us when we need Him the most. I appreciate you encouraging all of us on our journey with yours!
Anonymous ~
This is something that Justin and I just talked about. You are right #2 is NOT cut and dry. Sin is messy and even when you are on the right track in your relationships the consequences can still follow for years to come. I think you would find it helpful to read Cindy Beall"s Blog. You can find it at CindyBeall.com Her story is amazing and deals with the reality of having to be a part of a child's life that is not hers but from the women with whom her husband had an affair with.
I don't have all the answers and even as great as these steps are they are not a sure thing but they are a great place to start! You can go through each and every step but if ALL involved are not fully broken and willing to choose God first those relationships will continue to be difficult. Justin's sister is divorced and has a daughter with her first husband. She is remarried and had a another daughter. She and her husband have a very strong faith. Her ex-husband struggles in his faith but some how they have maintained a good relationship even through all the hurt. So much so that her ex-husband's wife works for her and they have a great relationship.
In some ways I envy where Cindy and my sister-in-law are at. Our story did not end that way. Although Justin and I restored our relationship, my relationship with my best friend has not been repaired even after reaching out. Again sin is messy.
What I have learned is that regardless of how people choose to respond to the hurt sin has caused I (me) always have the choice to choose God. Its not easy and sometimes its just down right painful but God has always been there! He has never left me! When things felt impossible He would whisper through His would that nothing is impossible for Him. When I have no more margin to forgive He gives me the margin I need. The list can go on and on.
I pray that in those very tough moments of fear (which I totally get) you will surrender them in prayer and ask God to examine your heart and give you wisdom. Seek wise counsel from those you trust to help you along the way. But in the end you will have to choose to believe that God will be enough no matter what happens. Although hard, there is such a freedom to love others in the security of knowing you are loved by HIM!
Great post…. I have to say I cried as I read it. We have been able to conquer our crisis, but the memories are always there & the emotions begin to flood in. It's so tough when trying to recover from an affair. As I write in our blog.. I always wish no one ever has to deal with these issues. Yet, I know all too well how easy it is to fall into the seductive trap of sin. Each time when posting, I always wish that no one needs to hear this stuff. What we know too well is that infidelity affects so many marriages. I whole heartedly agree with EACH of these items… (& plan to link you today in our blog)…. Thanks for your openness…..
Kristina…thank you for your honestly, your transparency and your commitment to use your experience, as hard as it is, to bless others and help change their future. God's blessings to you and your husband as you help restore others lives!
Thanks for your post. I have been using your blog in addition to Jenni, Sarah Markley and Cindy Beall’s blogs and trusting God in my restoration process. After 23 years of marriage my wife recently had a 1 year affair (we are both Christians). I have forgiven her and we are seeking restoration of our marriage. The 6 things you mention are all critical in the restoration process. Two months into the affair I felt in my heart that something was wrong. Every time I confronted her with evidence, my wife would somehow have an explanation. Eventually, I found a cell phone that they were using to communicate with and at this point she could not deny the affair anymore. This was 6 months into the affair. Although she told me that it was over she still had not surrendered to repented to God, she had not cut ties, she didn’t want to be accountable to no one, although we went to counseling she lied to me and the counselors that the affair was over, she didn’t come clean, she wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to restore the marraige.
She made me move out as if I had been the one to do something wrong. She asked me to move back and stated that she was willing to work on our marriage. We celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary and 2 week after this she asked me to move out again. She filed for divorce which completly devestated me. I lost 50 lbs, had to rely on sleeping medication for sleep, was prescribed anti-depresents and even attempted suicide. Even with all of this, my wife telling me the divorce was not about another man, she was continuely involved in the affair. It wasn’t until I walked in on them in our bedroom that she couldn’t deny her involvement, lies and deception. I still do not know if she has told me the truth as the deception continued for 7 months. When she had filed for divorce she was going out to clubs and was communicating with males she would meet. I know God can restore my marriage but the trauma, lies and deception is at times to much. I know I have forgiven her, however, she really has never asked for forgivness. She also countinues to communicate with a female friend that helped her maintain the affair from me. I have protected her and have not disclosed her affair to her family and mine. She does not want any one to know. Please pray for comlete restoration of my marriage.
[...] You can Read a post by my husband Justin Here: 5 Things You Must Do to Restore Your Marriage After You’ve Had an Affair [...]
I agree Jason.. Porn was the root of my problem and like any addiction, its progressive. For total healing, we've got to kill the root, the deepest part of ourselves thats trying to somehow fill an empty void.