5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair
The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Sigh… not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.
As I (Trisha), write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.
1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.
Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!
2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.
I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.
3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.
Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.
4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.
Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.
5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?
I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.
26 Comments to “5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair”
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Justin Davis, Justin Davis. Justin Davis said: My wife @trishadavis23 wrote a powerful Post! 5 Things You Must Do To When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair http://ow.ly/1nn4v2 #fb [...]
This is beautifuuly and truthfully written. This WILL bless someone. Thank you for sharing and I am praising God for healing and restoring what only He can!
Thank you Fran.
Excellent post.
Thanks Jason!
Amazingly written, dear friend!
Thanks for tearing open your heart again in sharing this. I love you, Trish!!!
Thank you for allowing me into your heart as well. I have learned so much from you as a woman who has had an affair and now the amazing woman of God you are today. Your love and pursuit for truth and righteousness has been so healing to my heart! I love you!
[...] Update: For Trisha’s response… CLICK HERE! [...]
Thank you, Trish. Thank you for being a voice of hope in a hopeless situation. It's been 2 years for us, and I still feel lost and alone most of the time. I hope time will help heal.
I'm sorry you are still hurting so badly. It is a tough journey but I know for me without opening-up to others and my counselor while leaning into God's word I would have never moved towards healing. I would be stuck in what felt like a complete state of depression. I know for my journey there was a season that I had to get on an anti-depressant. It was hard to admit but was so worth it to be able to function and engage with my boys and all the other parts of my daily life. I pray you feel the love and joy your Heavenly Father has for you!
Awesome and powerfully written! It is very evident that God has and is using you through your experience. Thanks for sharing. :0)
Trisha…thank you for taking something that was so painful and so destructive in your life and using it to help others. You inspire me every day to be more of who God longs for me to be! I love you!
Never really understood the verse "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation the Old has GONE and the NEW has come" Although this journey has been painful to see the new creation He has created us both to be as well as our marriage… I'm just really grateful! I love you deeply!
What a powerful post — your post translates, teaches, and counsels all types of hurts in our lives — your post is universal toward wounds we receive as we walk through this journey on earth. May God continue to bless both of you and the other people you encounter on this long, winding road that can lead us to a final destination with Christ!
Thank you Susan!
Thanks for your post. I have been using your blog in addition to Jenni, Sarah Markley and Cindy Beall’s blogs and trusting God in my restoration process. After 23 years of marriage my wife recently had a 1 year affair (we are both Christians). I have forgiven her and we are seeking restoration of our marriage. The 6 things you mention are all critical in the restoration process. Two months into the affair I felt in my heart that something was wrong. Every time I confronted her with evidence, my wife would somehow have an explanation. Eventually, I found a cell phone that they were using to communicate with and at this point she could not deny the affair anymore. This was 6 months into the affair. Although she told me that it was over she still had not surrendered to repented to God, she had not cut ties, she didn’t want to be accountable to no one, although we went to counseling she lied to me and the counselors that the affair was over, she didn’t come clean, she wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to restore the marraige.
She made me move out as if I had been the one to do something wrong. She asked me to move back and stated that she was willing to work on our marriage. We celebrated our 24th wedding anniversary and 2 week after this she asked me to move out again. She filed for divorce which completly devestated me. I lost 50 lbs, had to rely on sleeping medication for sleep, was prescribed anti-depresents and even attempted suicide. Even with all of this, my wife telling me the divorce was not about another man, she was continuely involved in the affair. It wasn’t until I walked in on them in our bedroom that she couldn’t deny her involvement, lies and deception. I still do not know if she has told me the truth as the deception continued for 7 months. When she had filed for divorce she was going out to clubs and was communicating with males she would meet. I know God can restore my marriage but the trauma, lies and deception is at times to much. I know I have forgiven her, however, she really has never asked for forgivness. She also countinues to communicate with a female friend that helped her maintain the affair from me. I have protected her and have not disclosed her affair to her family and mine. She does not want any one to know. Please pray for comlete restoration of my marriage.
BaBaloo
I know how you feel. Your story is very similar to our story. I sensed in my heart that something was going on with my wife. I too found a cell phone they were using to communicate. She denied everything also.
With prayer & God's help our story has changed. We have been restored. Keep praying & we will pray for your marriage also.
BaBaloo ~ Thank you for your honesty. I echo the words of Duane. Its all so hard and honestly it just sucks! Sin is messy. YOU could do all the "steps" Justin and I talked about but if your spouse doesn't choose God or choose change then they most-likely won't choose your marriage. I know what it feels like not to be chosen. As unfair and cruel as it all felt eventually I felt a sense of peace that Jesus will be enough. I know that sound so Christianeese but when I'm making that statement looking into the eyes of my three precious boys I really mean it. When I became anchored in the simple fact that Jesus was enough the fears of the "what if's" didn't have as tight of a hold on my heart. Rather than dwelling only on what was lost each new day He would give me a little bit more sense of peace and hope only found in him. We will pray for restoration!
Powerful and right on. Thanks for sharing your heart.
Wonderful teaching Trish. Let us strive to know that in all our heartaches God loves us and He is enough even when we don't know it or can't feel it.
"In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' . . . I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD." (Hosea 2:16, 19-20)
Mom!
I love you and I can't wait for our readers to get to hear from you and your amazing story of love, leadership and heartache! I treasure you beyond words!! Thank you for your post!
There is tremendous freedom in having your worst fears realized, and finding out that Jesus is enough. It wasn't until my heart was able to believe and feel that truth that I was able to breathe again, and start doing the things I needed to do to reclaim my marriage. Thanks, Trisha!
Thanks for sharing this Trish. God is showing me what a horrible person I have been to her for ten years only culminating in the affair. Looking back i can't believe she had the character to stay with me this long. I pray she takes the steps through the process of healing for herself. It helps to understand a little what she is going through right now. I keep praying that God can shine a little light into her life through all the pain, hurt, and anger. My prayer is that she has the opportunity to see the man God is only beginning to chisel me into. Please continue to pray for her and us.
Desperate and Broken…we are praying for you and your family daily!
I can not express how much gratitude i have for you two, your story, and your prayers. Thank You
Thank you so much for your blog and your words of wisdom. I found out 3 weeks ago today that my husband has had an affair for the last 1 1/2 years, and God is graciously drawing us both back to Him and slowly restoring our marriage, but of course, we both want all the pain to be gone in an instant. It is such a comfort to see other people who have gone through this and survived it. Thank you for being willing to share your story of God's rescue and hope in your lives!