January 18, 2010 in Uncategorized with 26 Comments

Fans Vs. Friends

I wasn’t popular in junior high…I take that back…I was popular. It was the popular thing to make fun of me, to pick on me, to beat me up. I saw basketball as my way out…as my way to have friends. If I could make the basketball team, people would like me. If I could be good at basketball, people would cheer for me. If I could excel at basketball, then people would want to date me, to invite me to parties, to hang out with me on weekends. Looking back, I realize that all of my relationships in high school and college revolved around basketball…not shared values; not shared authenticity or really knowing someone. I became very good at attracting fans, but not at being friends.

After a lot of counseling, introspection and time with God, I realized my first 10 years in ministry replaced basketball in my life. I had a desire to be known, a desire to be accepted, a desire to be loved and valued. I shared parts of my heart with my friends that was risky but not too risky, vulnerable but not too vulnerable, intimate but not too intimate. I felt more comfortable talking to 100 people for 20 seconds on a Sunday morning, than I did 2 people for 20 minutes. Here is what I’ve realized the past few years…Ministry is a great place to have a lot of fans, and pretend like I have a lot of friends.

When EVERYTHING imploded in 2005, I realized the huge difference between fans and friends. I had a ton of fans, but very few friends. Almost immediately the fans faded away, and my true friends rose to the occasion. The friends I did have, saved my life, my marriage, my family, and my ministry.

Proverbs 27:8 says this: Wounds from a sincere friend
are better than many kisses from an enemy.

As Trisha and I have gone back into ministry, the lure to have fans and not friends is real, and its easier. But what I have found is that the richest life, the most abundant life, the life lived at the deepest levels is the life that won’t settle for superficial, casual and surface level relationships. Fans are a dime a dozen…friends are priceless a gift from God.

Question: Are you better at cultivating fans or are you determined to dig deep and build true friendships?

About Justin and Trisha:

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  • Lisa

    Great post!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you Lisa!

  • Lisa

    Great post!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you Lisa!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    I'm a Justin fan. But appreciate you and Trish's friendship most of all!

    I crave deep relationships. I need to do a better job of knowing who likes me for me and who is a fan of my mad skillz ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you so much Lindsey! It has been a true joy to begin to know you, and both Trisha and I look forward to continuing to build our friendship.
      PS…I am a Lindsey fan too! :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    I'm a Justin fan. But appreciate you and Trish's friendship most of all!

    I crave deep relationships. I need to do a better job of knowing who likes me for me and who is a fan of my mad skillz ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thank you so much Lindsey! It has been a true joy to begin to know you, and both Trisha and I look forward to continuing to build our friendship.
      PS…I am a Lindsey fan too! :)

  • Gary Keener

    Thanks for sharing these thoughts Justin, I have been exploring this whole concept for the past month or so. What is my motivations behind the things I do each day. Sadly, I am finding the same things, I disguised a part of my ministries as a way to build my own self worth. God is revealing the true child of His that I am without abandon. Thanks for calling last week appreciate you guys as true friends.

  • Gary Keener

    Thanks for sharing these thoughts Justin, I have been exploring this whole concept for the past month or so. What is my motivations behind the things I do each day. Sadly, I am finding the same things, I disguised a part of my ministries as a way to build my own self worth. God is revealing the true child of His that I am without abandon. Thanks for calling last week appreciate you guys as true friends.

  • http://www.spintheaxis.com/ Jason

    Yet another home run post! Your honesty and transparency is so rare in a pastor these days. I love that you don’t hide your mistakes.

    I can say outside of my wife I have no real friends. I have a guy in South Carolina who’s pretty close but there are boundaries with him too. And if blog traffic totals are any indication I don’t really have any fans either. :)

    I know the friend part I need to work on.

  • http://www.spintheaxis.com Jason

    Yet another home run post! Your honesty and transparency is so rare in a pastor these days. I love that you don’t hide your mistakes.

    I can say outside of my wife I have no real friends. I have a guy in South Carolina who’s pretty close but there are boundaries with him too. And if blog traffic totals are any indication I don’t really have any fans either. :)

    I know the friend part I need to work on.

  • http://cmludwick.blogspot.com/ Christina Ludwick

    Justin – I fully appreciate your honesty in this. Much like you, I found my worth in sports in high school. I was extremely popular for the mere fact I was a talented athlete and I led my team to victories. My "best friends" were teammates, typically the upper classmen. Once college came, I was stuck in the habit of gaining friends through popularity. I played volleyball at my school and immediately fell back in to the same rhythm. It was much easier to just be popular than to be real. Cultivating friendships came at a price, and I found myself friends with people who cared less about me and more about what I could do. Many tears have been shed over my popularity. It really isn't all its cracked up to be.

    Thankfully I've been able to really work on this (its a daily struggle for sure) and since moving here to Nashville have been given the opportunity to truly cultivate friendships, rather than fans. I'm a work in progress but I'm on my way!

  • http://cmludwick.blogspot.com/ Christina Ludwick

    Justin – I fully appreciate your honesty in this. Much like you, I found my worth in sports in high school. I was extremely popular for the mere fact I was a talented athlete and I led my team to victories. My "best friends" were teammates, typically the upper classmen. Once college came, I was stuck in the habit of gaining friends through popularity. I played volleyball at my school and immediately fell back in to the same rhythm. It was much easier to just be popular than to be real. Cultivating friendships came at a price, and I found myself friends with people who cared less about me and more about what I could do. Many tears have been shed over my popularity. It really isn't all its cracked up to be.

    Thankfully I've been able to really work on this (its a daily struggle for sure) and since moving here to Nashville have been given the opportunity to truly cultivate friendships, rather than fans. I'm a work in progress but I'm on my way!

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  • Mom J

    Pops and I have been very frustrated with this very thing! We NEED friends to laugh, cry, be real and do ministry with. Looks like we're not alone in this challenge. We will HAVE to make this a priority. Help us Lord!

  • Mom J

    Pops and I have been very frustrated with this very thing! We NEED friends to laugh, cry, be real and do ministry with. Looks like we're not alone in this challenge. We will HAVE to make this a priority. Help us Lord!

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  • Angi Goodwin

    You know, Justin, I've never been your fan…but I will always be your friend. I love you guys and am so proud of the immensely difficult journey you have been through and are continuing on.

  • Angi Goodwin

    You know, Justin, I've never been your fan…but I will always be your friend. I love you guys and am so proud of the immensely difficult journey you have been through and are continuing on.