January 28, 2010 in Uncategorized with 130 Comments

What Makes a Family Healthy?

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A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

When I was growing up, my parents fought a lot. My dad would often lose his temper and say things he regretted, things that hurt, things that stayed with everyone for a while. You can forgive, but it is hard to forget. By God’s grace, the prayers that I prayed that I wouldn’t be like my dad in this area were answered. I don’t struggle with anger and rage, (one of the few things I don’t struggle with.)

We are in a series at our church, Cross Point, called Pursuit. In the series we are talking about pursuing wisdom, through the book of Proverbs. I have been asked to speak in a few weeks on Pursuing a Healthy Family.

I thought it would be cool today to ask you to help me write the message for that week. I’d love to hear from you on what you feel like are the ingredients to a healthy family.

One ingredient I feel a healthy family has is gentleness with one another.

So, take a few seconds and leave a comment of ONE OR TWO ingredients that YOU feel are necessary to have a healthy family…if you’re single, think about your family of origin. Help a brotha out with his message prep!

About Justin and Trisha:

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Laurie Hildreth

Spending time together doing simple things, playing games, weekend canoe trips, sometimes just being quiet together.

http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

You can’t replace time! You can replace toys, clothes, and video games but you can’t get time back! Thanks Laurie!

Laurie Hildreth

Spending time together doing simple things, playing games, weekend canoe trips, sometimes just being quiet together.

http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

You can’t replace time! You can replace toys, clothes, and video games but you can’t get time back! Thanks Laurie!

http://www.prosperimage.com/ paula

2 things that have really helped is build a strong marriage and family (outside the obvious of having God as our center):
1 – communication. never stop communicating and take the time to learn HOW to effectively communicate to each member. it's important for others to know your thoughts, dreams, desires, needs, and when something is bothering you. UNDERSTANDING those in your family and how they communicate helps you better say what needs to be addressed.
Everything from understanding my husband inside and out, to continuously changing forms of communication as our child grows through each stage of life.

2 – CHOOSE TO LOVE AND COMMIT: I don't know why 90% of people still believe that love is a feeling and commitment is from yearning. That could not be more false! Truly understanding that these are choices we make is what gets us through tough "days" – which help to reduce tough "times". If I'm not "feeling" very mom or wife, but I choose to give my family the same attention, love, respect and commitment to caring for them, the feeling is usually shifted as a result of that commitment. When I let my feelings take over my commitments, it continues to build leading to trouble for several days and beyond.

Look forward to hearing it!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Paula! GREAT thoughts! I appreciate your thoughts on feelings overtaking commitments!
http://intensedebate.com/people/CharlesFlemming CharlesFlemming

That's a great word, Paula. Thanks for the reminder!

http://www.prosperimage.com paula

2 things that have really helped is build a strong marriage and family (outside the obvious of having God as our center):
1 – communication. never stop communicating and take the time to learn HOW to effectively communicate to each member. it's important for others to know your thoughts, dreams, desires, needs, and when something is bothering you. UNDERSTANDING those in your family and how they communicate helps you better say what needs to be addressed.
Everything from understanding my husband inside and out, to continuously changing forms of communication as our child grows through each stage of life.

2 – CHOOSE TO LOVE AND COMMIT: I don't know why 90% of people still believe that love is a feeling and commitment is from yearning. That could not be more false! Truly understanding that these are choices we make is what gets us through tough "days" – which help to reduce tough "times". If I'm not "feeling" very mom or wife, but I choose to give my family the same attention, love, respect and commitment to caring for them, the feeling is usually shifted as a result of that commitment. When I let my feelings take over my commitments, it continues to build leading to trouble for several days and beyond.

Look forward to hearing it!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Paula! GREAT thoughts! I appreciate your thoughts on feelings overtaking commitments!
http://intensedebate.com/people/CharlesFlemming CharlesFlemming

That's a great word, Paula. Thanks for the reminder!

Kathyanna74

Do life together, that’s what you signed up for, right? This may sound silly, but I am totally serious. “Husbands and wives should go to bed at the same time”. It's tough when one is a morning person and the other a night owl, but it's so important. Bedtime, (with no TV in the bedroom), is download time for us. We lie quietly and talk about what's going on in our day, our life and our head. It’s hard to avoid being open and transparent. Without that time quiet time together, so many things can get swept under the rug and left to build into huge problems.

http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

Doesn’t sound silly at all! Thank you for sharing!

Kathyanna74

Do life together, that’s what you signed up for, right? This may sound silly, but I am totally serious. “Husbands and wives should go to bed at the same time”. It's tough when one is a morning person and the other a night owl, but it's so important. Bedtime, (with no TV in the bedroom), is download time for us. We lie quietly and talk about what's going on in our day, our life and our head. It’s hard to avoid being open and transparent. Without that time quiet time together, so many things can get swept under the rug and left to build into huge problems.

http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

Doesn’t sound silly at all! Thank you for sharing!

cshell

1. Communication

2. Turn the TV off

http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

@cshell…good word!

cshell

1. Communication

2. Turn the TV off

http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

@cshell…good word!

dweber

Goose Island Honkers Ale…and plenty of it!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Classic Doug!

dweber

Goose Island Honkers Ale…and plenty of it!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Classic Doug!

http://bethwittenbach.blogspot.com/ Beth Wittenbach

Wow! The previous comments were the exact ones I was thinking of.
Communication
Time together
Making your family a priority

Another thing that I think is really important is to never criticize members of your family in front of other people. Nothing good comes from it, and it just creates more bad feelings.
http://bethwittenbach.blogspot.com Beth Wittenbach

Wow! The previous comments were the exact ones I was thinking of.
Communication
Time together
Making your family a priority

Another thing that I think is really important is to never criticize members of your family in front of other people. Nothing good comes from it, and it just creates more bad feelings.
http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Beth!
http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Beth!
http://onethingfamily.com/ mandy

one of the things we do every day that has really helped us is, Pat prays for our family and marriage everynight before we go to bed. This has been so crucial for our marriage and it keeps us from ever going to bed angry!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Mandy! Prayer has been a huge thing for us in our family too!

http://onethingfamily.com mandy

one of the things we do every day that has really helped us is, Pat prays for our family and marriage everynight before we go to bed. This has been so crucial for our marriage and it keeps us from ever going to bed angry!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Mandy! Prayer has been a huge thing for us in our family too!

Gena

Be a parent first to your kids not their friends. This is especially crutical during those teen years. They may hate you now ( but really they don't. They might resist the rules and discipline but when there isn't any they think you don't care about them ), but they will love you for it in the future…..and so will society

Remember to take time for family day. Life is too busy, but family is too important not to make time for it. We are not promised tomorrow. Keep date night fun and exciting. Dont be too complacent. Husbands and wifes need their own time weekly too

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts on parenting. I said to Trisha this morning, "I wish we could freeze time. The boys are getting so big!" Thanks for your thoughts!

Gena

Be a parent first to your kids not their friends. This is especially crutical during those teen years. They may hate you now ( but really they don't. They might resist the rules and discipline but when there isn't any they think you don't care about them ), but they will love you for it in the future…..and so will society

Remember to take time for family day. Life is too busy, but family is too important not to make time for it. We are not promised tomorrow. Keep date night fun and exciting. Dont be too complacent. Husbands and wifes need their own time weekly too

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts on parenting. I said to Trisha this morning, "I wish we could freeze time. The boys are getting so big!" Thanks for your thoughts!

http://www.munroestorage.com/ POPS

FIRST, put the other family members first! ALWAYS, even when it's hard to do so. That will give you JOY! Jesus Others You, in that order! Can't wait to see your thoughts on this subject Justin, love ya man!

http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

POPS…thanks so much. Such wisdom in what you said. I think Jesus said something very similar Love you!

http://www.munroestorage.com POPS

FIRST, put the other family members first! ALWAYS, even when it's hard to do so. That will give you JOY! Jesus Others You, in that order! Can't wait to see your thoughts on this subject Justin, love ya man!

http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

POPS…thanks so much. Such wisdom in what you said. I think Jesus said something very similar Love you!

http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

1. Real communication
2. Genuine interest in each other
3. Honesty
4. Discipline on children (not harsh but firm)
5. Hitting each other with eggs (or some other fun, nonsense thing that builds joyful feelings when together)

That list assumes devotion to God is assumed in your question.
http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

1. Real communication
2. Genuine interest in each other
3. Honesty
4. Discipline on children (not harsh but firm)
5. Hitting each other with eggs (or some other fun, nonsense thing that builds joyful feelings when together)

That list assumes devotion to God is assumed in your question.
Susan

I agree with the other posts — we add lots of laughter!!
Susan

I agree with the other posts — we add lots of laughter!!
http://hisfirefly.blogspot.com/ HisFireFly

1) Choose grace! Each of us is a work in progress. Realizing that God isn’t finished with His work makes it easier to forgive issues that don’t really matter anyway.

2) Keep Jesus as your centre. Acknowledge each and every day that it’s not about us anyway.

3) Find time to pray together. Sharing those moments in conversation with each other and with God are priceless.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great List! Thank you for sharing this. I love how you put "Choose Grace" first!

http://hisfirefly.blogspot.com HisFireFly

1) Choose grace! Each of us is a work in progress. Realizing that God isn’t finished with His work makes it easier to forgive issues that don’t really matter anyway.

2) Keep Jesus as your centre. Acknowledge each and every day that it’s not about us anyway.

3) Find time to pray together. Sharing those moments in conversation with each other and with God are priceless.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great List! Thank you for sharing this. I love how you put "Choose Grace" first!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great list Jason!
http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great list Jason!
http://www.armor-bearer.com/ Doug Less

Pick up a copy of Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families". Key takeaways: Nurture your family physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

i haven't read that book doug…thanks for suggesting it!

http://www.armor-bearer.com Doug Less

Pick up a copy of Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective Families". Key takeaways: Nurture your family physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

i haven't read that book doug…thanks for suggesting it!

Carlos

Hey Brotha,
I don't know how good my input would be having a failed marriage, but I do know where I don't wanna be with my beautiful bride now and that is having to repeat the same cycles that were very much in the way of Being who God wanted me to be. God has brought me into a new discovery of finding out my true identity in him and not the identity of past hurts and pain which distorted my ability to be a good husband and father in the past. As a young family man I ran my family based on how I was raised and in some ways it wasn't so bad but in a lot a ways it was severly dysfunctional. Anger and rage was how I dealt with conflict for one; not being able to show love and affection the way God intended was another. I know that God has a plan for how we should live life but when you have so much yoke and bondage that you're carrying around than tell me how are you supposed to be what God wants?!…..
Keep it real! Thats my two cents!
Carlos (los)

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Carlos…wow, thanks for your honesty and openness. Great words of wisdom here from your experience! Thank you for sharing!

Carlos

Hey Brotha,
I don't know how good my input would be having a failed marriage, but I do know where I don't wanna be with my beautiful bride now and that is having to repeat the same cycles that were very much in the way of Being who God wanted me to be. God has brought me into a new discovery of finding out my true identity in him and not the identity of past hurts and pain which distorted my ability to be a good husband and father in the past. As a young family man I ran my family based on how I was raised and in some ways it wasn't so bad but in a lot a ways it was severly dysfunctional. Anger and rage was how I dealt with conflict for one; not being able to show love and affection the way God intended was another. I know that God has a plan for how we should live life but when you have so much yoke and bondage that you're carrying around than tell me how are you supposed to be what God wants?!…..
Keep it real! Thats my two cents!
Carlos (los)

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Carlos…wow, thanks for your honesty and openness. Great words of wisdom here from your experience! Thank you for sharing!

http://intensedebate.com/people/lantzhoward Lantz Howard

Service.

Living a life of service.

Especially on the families on accord without the organization of someone else offering an opportunity to serve (ie church, youth groups etc).

The life of service will speak more volumes because the families choose to serve instead of "signing up" to serve.

Make sense?

My prayers are with you!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Lantz…makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing!

http://intensedebate.com/people/lantzhoward Lantz Howard

Service.

Living a life of service.

Especially on the families on accord without the organization of someone else offering an opportunity to serve (ie church, youth groups etc).

The life of service will speak more volumes because the families choose to serve instead of "signing up" to serve.

Make sense?

My prayers are with you!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Lantz…makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing!

Jonathan

…patience.

Where my heart needs the most work right now is as a Dad. In the process of raising my oldest child, I am finding weaknesses in this area. I find myself struggling and doing more to keep him in his ‘boundaries’ rather than striving to cultivate a relationship that will strengthen his character far more than just obeying rules will.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

LOVE you bring up patience…I struggle with patience so often. What a key ingredient! Thank you!

Jonathan

…patience.

Where my heart needs the most work right now is as a Dad. In the process of raising my oldest child, I am finding weaknesses in this area. I find myself struggling and doing more to keep him in his ‘boundaries’ rather than striving to cultivate a relationship that will strengthen his character far more than just obeying rules will.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

LOVE you bring up patience…I struggle with patience so often. What a key ingredient! Thank you!

http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

Honesty
Extending Grace to family members
Time spent together

Can't wait to watch the sermon online!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Alison!

http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

Honesty
Extending Grace to family members
Time spent together

Can't wait to watch the sermon online!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thanks Alison!

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Nancy

Respect for one another. I think if you can respect someone you will always try hard to treat them with love. You won't be as likely to hurl hurtful words or make fun of a person.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Respect is huge…thanks for sharing!

Nancy

Respect for one another. I think if you can respect someone you will always try hard to treat them with love. You won't be as likely to hurl hurtful words or make fun of a person.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Respect is huge…thanks for sharing!

Pam

Communication, being open and honest….being real. Plenty of time together. One of my regrets is that maybe we didn't do enough as a family. We were too busy with extracurricular activities. Slowing down and listening.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Pam…thank you for sharing your heart! Praying for you!

Pam

Communication, being open and honest….being real. Plenty of time together. One of my regrets is that maybe we didn't do enough as a family. We were too busy with extracurricular activities. Slowing down and listening.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Pam…thank you for sharing your heart! Praying for you!

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http://mikeymo1741.blogspot.com/ Michael Mahoney

Time
Trust
Humility

Time to build, rebuild, and demonstrate that family members are more important than TV, jobs, church (yes, church) sports, the car, money…. Nothing says "I Love You" like time.

Trust needs to be earned, especually when coming out of a bad situation. You earn trust by being trustworthy. 'nuff said.

Humility. It's not about you. It's about them. Doesn't matter who the "you" and "them" is.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Humility is HUGE! Great word!

http://mikeymo1741.blogspot.com Michael Mahoney

Time
Trust
Humility

Time to build, rebuild, and demonstrate that family members are more important than TV, jobs, church (yes, church) sports, the car, money…. Nothing says "I Love You" like time.

Trust needs to be earned, especually when coming out of a bad situation. You earn trust by being trustworthy. 'nuff said.

Humility. It's not about you. It's about them. Doesn't matter who the "you" and "them" is.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Humility is HUGE! Great word!

Rhonda

I think that full acceptance of one another is crucial because my husband never accepted me as I am which caused me to resent and reject him. He was always pointing out my flaws and was critical of me. It seemed to me that no matter how hard I would try to please him he always found something else to belittle me with.

I put up Big walls and shut him out. He continued to be angry and frustrated with me. We quit communicating on any intimate level and our marriage died.

In Nov. I discovered he has been having an affair for the past 2-3 years with a coworker. During which time I had a one night stand and turned to porno.

He immediately ended his affair and began counseling and is ashamed that everyone knows about his double life. We are trying to work through this crisis. He still works with her which is torture for me. We are praying that he can find another job soon.

Unconditional love and acceptance are essential in a family, without it Satan will sift everything like wheat.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Wow, Rhonda. Your transparency is so brave and appreciated. Thank you for being so honest. If we can do anything to serve you or your husband on this journey, please let us know. Praying for your marriage and your complete healing as a couple!

Rhonda

I think that full acceptance of one another is crucial because my husband never accepted me as I am which caused me to resent and reject him. He was always pointing out my flaws and was critical of me. It seemed to me that no matter how hard I would try to please him he always found something else to belittle me with.

I put up Big walls and shut him out. He continued to be angry and frustrated with me. We quit communicating on any intimate level and our marriage died.

In Nov. I discovered he has been having an affair for the past 2-3 years with a coworker. During which time I had a one night stand and turned to porno.

He immediately ended his affair and began counseling and is ashamed that everyone knows about his double life. We are trying to work through this crisis. He still works with her which is torture for me. We are praying that he can find another job soon.

Unconditional love and acceptance are essential in a family, without it Satan will sift everything like wheat.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Wow, Rhonda. Your transparency is so brave and appreciated. Thank you for being so honest. If we can do anything to serve you or your husband on this journey, please let us know. Praying for your marriage and your complete healing as a couple!

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What Makes a Family Healthy?

I thought it would be cool today to ask you to help me write the message for that week. I’d love to hear from you on what you feel like are the ingredients to a healthy family.

So, take a few seconds and leave a comment of ONE OR TWO ingredients that YOU feel are necessary to have a healthy family…if you’re single, think about your family of origin. Help a brotha out with his message prep!

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