What’s Destroying Your Marriage?

I'd have to say it's finances. As for the church being effective in helping with that problem…eh…not so much. Sure, folks offer the Dave Ramsey program and that IS a good, helpful program but that doesn't really address the stress financial issues cause within the marriage as deeply as the problem runs.

I'd have to say it's finances. As for the church being effective in helping with that problem…eh…not so much. Sure, folks offer the Dave Ramsey program and that IS a good, helpful program but that doesn't really address the stress financial issues cause within the marriage as deeply as the problem runs.

One year ago my world came crashing down, God led me to your sight…perfect timing. I have followed since then, always reading and being encouraged and pointed in the right direction. Thank you. If no one else is ever touched, changed, or reached because of your blog please know that you have impacted me and my marriage.

I would say to question #1 if I'm being honest, there is no way there is just one thing. And I will just assume you are leaving out "Putting God First" because that should be a given. So i will say, Communication. The lack of that led to so many other problems.

To question #2. I have a real hard time "blaming" or "pointing fingers" at the church for the choices I have made. So please keep that in mind, but i would answer "no".

One year ago my world came crashing down, God led me to your sight…perfect timing. I have followed since then, always reading and being encouraged and pointed in the right direction. Thank you. If no one else is ever touched, changed, or reached because of your blog please know that you have impacted me and my marriage.

I would say to question #1 if I'm being honest, there is no way there is just one thing. And I will just assume you are leaving out "Putting God First" because that should be a given. So i will say, Communication. The lack of that led to so many other problems.

To question #2. I have a real hard time "blaming" or "pointing fingers" at the church for the choices I have made. So please keep that in mind, but i would answer "no".

I will definitely say communication causes the most problems in my marriage. It's not just the lack of communication, but also the way we communicate with each other. Sometimes I surprise myself with the tone I take with my husband.

I don't know that I can honestly answer the second question because that would assume I've looked to the Chuch to help solve the problem. I don't think I've really done that. Instead, I've tried things on my own. Or if I'm completely honest, it's sometimes easier not to try.

I will definitely say communication causes the most problems in my marriage. It's not just the lack of communication, but also the way we communicate with each other. Sometimes I surprise myself with the tone I take with my husband.

I don't know that I can honestly answer the second question because that would assume I've looked to the Chuch to help solve the problem. I don't think I've really done that. Instead, I've tried things on my own. Or if I'm completely honest, it's sometimes easier not to try.

Justin,

1. I would say that my biggest problem is in making good, quality time for each other. Between ministry, kids, and everything else, I've failed in this regard. She's been patient and understanding, but her ability to endure doesn't make it right. I really need to lay down some boundaries, as well as better use the time we do spend together.

2. Sadly, I say "No." From my vantage point, the reasons are too numerous to list.

Justin,

1. I would say that my biggest problem is in making good, quality time for each other. Between ministry, kids, and everything else, I've failed in this regard. She's been patient and understanding, but her ability to endure doesn't make it right. I really need to lay down some boundaries, as well as better use the time we do spend together.

2. Sadly, I say "No." From my vantage point, the reasons are too numerous to list.

1. I would say communication. There are a few elephants in the room, and it is easier to let life take over than confront the big issues. Thankfully, God has been working in our lives to open some of these doors. But, communication is key.

2. Nope. It seems like many of the 'churched' sit as if they do not have these problems. If they do, they do not really take the time to focus on them to a large degree. Therefore, many people act asd if the problems are okay to ignore, and act as if there are no problems.

1. I would say communication. There are a few elephants in the room, and it is easier to let life take over than confront the big issues. Thankfully, God has been working in our lives to open some of these doors. But, communication is key.

2. Nope. It seems like many of the 'churched' sit as if they do not have these problems. If they do, they do not really take the time to focus on them to a large degree. Therefore, many people act asd if the problems are okay to ignore, and act as if there are no problems.

Jason…we spent so many years getting our finances wrong. Sadly in my case it was my own pride and not the church that was at fault. We are just now coming above water for air after years of jacking this area up. Thank you for your honesty!

Jason…we spent so many years getting our finances wrong. Sadly in my case it was my own pride and not the church that was at fault. We are just now coming above water for air after years of jacking this area up. Thank you for your honesty!

1. communicating respect (or our lack of respect) and patience for each other.
2. i see programmed, structured things that can serve as quick fixes but they don't provide sustainable and deep growth. i have experienced the sustainable, deep growth with professional counseling/therapists (not at churches).

@cshell…thanks for your encouragement and your honesty! The list I provided wasn't an exhaustive list, but one just to get people thinking. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your marriage.

1. communicating respect (or our lack of respect) and patience for each other.
2. i see programmed, structured things that can serve as quick fixes but they don't provide sustainable and deep growth. i have experienced the sustainable, deep growth with professional counseling/therapists (not at churches).

@cshell…thanks for your encouragement and your honesty! The list I provided wasn't an exhaustive list, but one just to get people thinking. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your marriage.

Jennifer…wow! Your brutal honesty is tough, but refreshing. So many people are unwilling to admit what you just said. Thank you for sharing here, and please let me know if we can be a resource for you in any way!

Jennifer…wow! Your brutal honesty is tough, but refreshing. So many people are unwilling to admit what you just said. Thank you for sharing here, and please let me know if we can be a resource for you in any way!

#1 – After 20 yrs. of marriage, I would say "Expectations" are the key. For instance, "What are the expectations we put on ourselves vs. the expectations we have of each other? How much of that did we bring into our marriage from our family of origin? How do we deal with it? Explore TOGETHER (and with a trusted and Godly therapist) God's expectation of us individually and as a couple.

#2 – In my experience The Church is all over the board in terms of it's view on therapy. It varies from community to community. Thankfully, my wife and I have a community that does it well.

#1 – After 20 yrs. of marriage, I would say "Expectations" are the key. For instance, "What are the expectations we put on ourselves vs. the expectations we have of each other? How much of that did we bring into our marriage from our family of origin? How do we deal with it? Explore TOGETHER (and with a trusted and Godly therapist) God's expectation of us individually and as a couple.

#2 – In my experience The Church is all over the board in terms of it's view on therapy. It varies from community to community. Thankfully, my wife and I have a community that does it well.

@anon…when I was a senior pastor, I looked at a 5 week family series as what we needed to do to build strong families. Not only was I not living out what I was preaching, the people coming and listening were leaving unchanged…there has to be more to it than that! Great thoughts.

@anon…when I was a senior pastor, I looked at a 5 week family series as what we needed to do to build strong families. Not only was I not living out what I was preaching, the people coming and listening were leaving unchanged…there has to be more to it than that! Great thoughts.

I think the church needs to encourage more transparency on this issue. That is one reason I think you guys are such a credible resource on marriage. Your honesty in sharing where you've been and what you've dealt with gives people permission to share. Unfortunately, often times the church unintentionally (mostly) conveys this atmosphere of pretending we have it all together.

I think the church needs to encourage more transparency on this issue. That is one reason I think you guys are such a credible resource on marriage. Your honesty in sharing where you've been and what you've dealt with gives people permission to share. Unfortunately, often times the church unintentionally (mostly) conveys this atmosphere of pretending we have it all together.

1. I feel the biggest problem in my marriage is respect, and it's not the lack thereof from my husband, but from his family. We have been together for 15 years and so many times, they still manage to treat me like an outsider and to further the angst and pain of it, my husband doesn't stand up for me or my honor. We joke and say it's because he has middle child syndrome and is afraid to stand up to his family, which is pretty bad since he is 40 yrs old. We try, or shall I say, I try to ignore a lot of the negative behavior from them or the lack of respect they give to me as a parent to their grandchildren, but it's not easy. Then we get into their poor relational treatment towards him as well. It's a slippery and spiral slope. I am still waiting and praying for the day that my husband stands up to his family's attitudes and declares that we (our marriage/life) are more important than they are. I know he would feel so free and liberated! That's when I rely heavily on #2….
2. Many times I get lessons, solace, re-establishment and reassurance from God, church and fellow Christian friends and family when it comes to learning how to deal with relational frustrations especially in a marriage.

1. I feel the biggest problem in my marriage is respect, and it's not the lack thereof from my husband, but from his family. We have been together for 15 years and so many times, they still manage to treat me like an outsider and to further the angst and pain of it, my husband doesn't stand up for me or my honor. We joke and say it's because he has middle child syndrome and is afraid to stand up to his family, which is pretty bad since he is 40 yrs old. We try, or shall I say, I try to ignore a lot of the negative behavior from them or the lack of respect they give to me as a parent to their grandchildren, but it's not easy. Then we get into their poor relational treatment towards him as well. It's a slippery and spiral slope. I am still waiting and praying for the day that my husband stands up to his family's attitudes and declares that we (our marriage/life) are more important than they are. I know he would feel so free and liberated! That's when I rely heavily on #2….
2. Many times I get lessons, solace, re-establishment and reassurance from God, church and fellow Christian friends and family when it comes to learning how to deal with relational frustrations especially in a marriage.

1. I've been married a few years.We have a some issues but the biggest one is he wasn't always faithful to the covenant we maid. He never physically had an affair but emotionally has. And has also searched out for "others" to send pictures back and forth and have sexual conversations with. I always seem to find things and when confronted about he says he sorry but excuses it as though he drawn to the excitement of it. With dealing with the lack of trust with my husband there is now a lack of respect. I feel as though respect should be earned. He feels as though no matter what he does good or bad he deserves respect because he is the "man of the house". But I feel as though he doesn't respect me enough to not search out others for sexual pleasures then why should I respect him. Which is not biblical Love but it's hard to not feel this way. Because there is a lack of trust and respect I don't want to be sexually close to him. In which he now feel rejected by me but it's kind of hard to "get in the mood" when you don't know if he want you or just a need met.

2. No I don't feel as though the church is a place of help. I know Jesus is. And I continually go into pray about this subject. And above all he has healed parts of my heart. But the issue is still there because my husband has not searched out help to fix this. There is not anyone who sill stand as though they have has these problems and talk frank about them. If you have a perfect marriage the church is a good place to maintain it.

1. I've been married a few years.We have a some issues but the biggest one is he wasn't always faithful to the covenant we maid. He never physically had an affair but emotionally has. And has also searched out for "others" to send pictures back and forth and have sexual conversations with. I always seem to find things and when confronted about he says he sorry but excuses it as though he drawn to the excitement of it. With dealing with the lack of trust with my husband there is now a lack of respect. I feel as though respect should be earned. He feels as though no matter what he does good or bad he deserves respect because he is the "man of the house". But I feel as though he doesn't respect me enough to not search out others for sexual pleasures then why should I respect him. Which is not biblical Love but it's hard to not feel this way. Because there is a lack of trust and respect I don't want to be sexually close to him. In which he now feel rejected by me but it's kind of hard to "get in the mood" when you don't know if he want you or just a need met.

2. No I don't feel as though the church is a place of help. I know Jesus is. And I continually go into pray about this subject. And above all he has healed parts of my heart. But the issue is still there because my husband has not searched out help to fix this. There is not anyone who sill stand as though they have has these problems and talk frank about them. If you have a perfect marriage the church is a good place to maintain it.

I've been thinking alot about how my marriage was in the beginning. So happy to see each other. All those *little things* didn't bother us. We would cuddle up and watch a movie, hold hands.

Now…nothing.

How do we get back to that *butterfly feeling* again. And being happy.

I've been thinking alot about how my marriage was in the beginning. So happy to see each other. All those *little things* didn't bother us. We would cuddle up and watch a movie, hold hands.

Now…nothing.

How do we get back to that *butterfly feeling* again. And being happy.

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage?
Honestly, I would have to say that our biggest source of disagreement and friction in our marriage comes from parenting-related issues. For some reason cranky kids can bring out the worst in us. Probably the second biggest area of struggle is finances for us.

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?
I can't speak for all churches – I know there are some great churches who help by offering parenting classes and such. Sometimes it's just being able to be around people in a small group setting to help you realize you're not the only one struggling with these issues.

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage?
Honestly, I would have to say that our biggest source of disagreement and friction in our marriage comes from parenting-related issues. For some reason cranky kids can bring out the worst in us. Probably the second biggest area of struggle is finances for us.

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?
I can't speak for all churches – I know there are some great churches who help by offering parenting classes and such. Sometimes it's just being able to be around people in a small group setting to help you realize you're not the only one struggling with these issues.

So many people are listing "communication" but I think it really comes down to "connection" and appreciation. If you feel connected [and appreciated] by your spouse, communication is almost a no-brainer.

The biggest stress for us right now is parenting. We have very different styles/approaches & it can be insanely frustrating. [our kids are now teens, so this isn't exactly a new thing] Even though we do our best to show a united front, it can get dicey in the moment.

As for the church.. as an organization it's done more harm than good. God, on the other hand, is the only thing that saved our relationship.

So many people are listing "communication" but I think it really comes down to "connection" and appreciation. If you feel connected [and appreciated] by your spouse, communication is almost a no-brainer.

The biggest stress for us right now is parenting. We have very different styles/approaches & it can be insanely frustrating. [our kids are now teens, so this isn't exactly a new thing] Even though we do our best to show a united front, it can get dicey in the moment.

As for the church.. as an organization it's done more harm than good. God, on the other hand, is the only thing that saved our relationship.

1. The one issue that creates the most problems in my marriage is finances. I was expected to "run" the finances for the first 10 years of marriage, and with having numerous military moves, adding 6 children, buying cars, and using credit cards (both of us) too much, our finances were a problem. My husband decided to "take charge" at that point, has now almost completely excluded me from the decisions, and we are in a worse position now than before.

1. The one issue that creates the most problems in my marriage is finances. I was expected to "run" the finances for the first 10 years of marriage, and with having numerous military moves, adding 6 children, buying cars, and using credit cards (both of us) too much, our finances were a problem. My husband decided to "take charge" at that point, has now almost completely excluded me from the decisions, and we are in a worse position now than before.

1 contd – Probably second by a narrow margin in our marriage is issues with my husband's family. I am the black sheep in-law, excluded and ignored usually but when there is any attention given it is to make fun of me, my kids, or to ensure that I know that I am not good enough for their brother/son. Then there is the MIL who has always tried to interfere. Everyone calls my husband on a regular basis, but ignores/excludes myself and the kids. When I try to say that something should be done about it to my husband, I am told that he "doesn't want the stress in his life that he grew up with between his mother and his father's family". I don't either, just resolution. My husband prefers to sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist. Meanwhile our kids would probably walk right by their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins on the street if they ever saw them and not even know who they are.

1 contd – Probably second by a narrow margin in our marriage is issues with my husband's family. I am the black sheep in-law, excluded and ignored usually but when there is any attention given it is to make fun of me, my kids, or to ensure that I know that I am not good enough for their brother/son. Then there is the MIL who has always tried to interfere. Everyone calls my husband on a regular basis, but ignores/excludes myself and the kids. When I try to say that something should be done about it to my husband, I am told that he "doesn't want the stress in his life that he grew up with between his mother and his father's family". I don't either, just resolution. My husband prefers to sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist. Meanwhile our kids would probably walk right by their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins on the street if they ever saw them and not even know who they are.

2. My church does not help in any way to resolve the problems here. If I ask a pastor about ideas, I am told that I need to make an appointment with the licensed counselor available through the church. I want a solution, real, Biblical, and relevant. I tried their counselor, by the way, and going by yourself to a counselor doesn't solve the problem. It appears that at my church, the pastoral staff doesn't want to really come down from their lofty existance and get involved on a personal level. Disappointing.

2. My church does not help in any way to resolve the problems here. If I ask a pastor about ideas, I am told that I need to make an appointment with the licensed counselor available through the church. I want a solution, real, Biblical, and relevant. I tried their counselor, by the way, and going by yourself to a counselor doesn't solve the problem. It appears that at my church, the pastoral staff doesn't want to really come down from their lofty existance and get involved on a personal level. Disappointing.

We've been together for 20 yrs and the key is to be really intentional. It takes work, but you can take the first step, even if it's small & everything inside you doesn't want to right now.

Do you know her love language? http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Gifts: Maybe leave her little post-it notes in the bathroom one morning telling her how beautiful she is & you can't wait to see her

Time: sit with her one morning for a cup of coffee before heading to work

Touch: sneak up from behind, wrap your arms around her & whisper in her ear how much you love her

Acts of service: do something unexpected. Make her breakfast. Fold the laundry or make the bed. If she asks why, just tell her you want her to know how much you appreciate her

Words of affirmation: Write an email telling her how much she means to you. Or list the things you appreciate about her.

When your spouse feels appreciated, he/she naturally wants to return the favor. It helps with communication, the *butterfly feelings* and when you hit the rough spots.

Hope it helps & good luck

We've been together for 20 yrs and the key is to be really intentional. It takes work, but you can take the first step, even if it's small & everything inside you doesn't want to right now.

Do you know her love language? http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Gifts: Maybe leave her little post-it notes in the bathroom one morning telling her how beautiful she is & you can't wait to see her

Time: sit with her one morning for a cup of coffee before heading to work

Touch: sneak up from behind, wrap your arms around her & whisper in her ear how much you love her

Acts of service: do something unexpected. Make her breakfast. Fold the laundry or make the bed. If she asks why, just tell her you want her to know how much you appreciate her

Words of affirmation: Write an email telling her how much she means to you. Or list the things you appreciate about her.

When your spouse feels appreciated, he/she naturally wants to return the favor. It helps with communication, the *butterfly feelings* and when you hit the rough spots.

Hope it helps & good luck

The church has not been helpful in the area of spiritually mismatched couples. When you are a Christ follower and your spouse is not, or one spouse is far more spiritually mature, this causes unique marital conflict for which very few sermons and/or books can be found. Usually, it is a wife who is far more spiritually hungry than her husband who is in great pain because she no longer wants to be the spiritual leader but her husband is unwilling or unable to lead.

The church has not been helpful in the area of spiritually mismatched couples. When you are a Christ follower and your spouse is not, or one spouse is far more spiritually mature, this causes unique marital conflict for which very few sermons and/or books can be found. Usually, it is a wife who is far more spiritually hungry than her husband who is in great pain because she no longer wants to be the spiritual leader but her husband is unwilling or unable to lead.

Here's my story. I was 28 unmarried. I came to a church as an alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict. One Sunday I put on a tee shirt and jeans and went to the only church in town that I had never heard of. I was an agnostic, mostly an athiest, but someone explain salvation to me a week earlier and I had never understood it before. So I went to the church, it was called Evangelical Free. I liked the word free. I saw all these fine dressed up people inside and I felt very out of place.. I sat in the back. At the end of the sermon the preacher asked anyone who wanted forgiveness to come down and pray with him. I couldn't do that. When the service ended I snuck out quickly. Within minutes of getting home the preacher was at my door asking me if I'd like to go out to eat with his family. I said no but eventually others from the church came by and asked if I needed anything, prayer, food. I decided to go to a mens Bible study one night and I told them about my addictions, I was welcomed! My new family loved me into God's kingdom. It's been many years ago that that all happened.

Here's my story. I was 28 unmarried. I came to a church as an alcoholic, sex addict, drug addict. One Sunday I put on a tee shirt and jeans and went to the only church in town that I had never heard of. I was an agnostic, mostly an athiest, but someone explain salvation to me a week earlier and I had never understood it before. So I went to the church, it was called Evangelical Free. I liked the word free. I saw all these fine dressed up people inside and I felt very out of place.. I sat in the back. At the end of the sermon the preacher asked anyone who wanted forgiveness to come down and pray with him. I couldn't do that. When the service ended I snuck out quickly. Within minutes of getting home the preacher was at my door asking me if I'd like to go out to eat with his family. I said no but eventually others from the church came by and asked if I needed anything, prayer, food. I decided to go to a mens Bible study one night and I told them about my addictions, I was welcomed! My new family loved me into God's kingdom. It's been many years ago that that all happened.

His Daughter,

I strongly recommend your man read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. That book along with Sacred Romance saved my life and marriage.

His Daughter,

I strongly recommend your man read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. That book along with Sacred Romance saved my life and marriage.

I think it's strange but the biggest source of "arrangements" in our house is about food, or the lack there of. I tend to go on the defense which turns into I'm a failure as a wife.

*that should be arguments.

I think it's strange but the biggest source of "arrangements" in our house is about food, or the lack there of. I tend to go on the defense which turns into I'm a failure as a wife.

*that should be arguments.

After being married for 17 years I can honestly say we have struggled with nearly everything on the list above. Giving our marriage over to Christ is the only reason we made it past year 10.

Currently our marriage is in a pretty good place. The issue we are struggling most with is finding quality time for one another and also just investing into conversations with each other that are above and beyond the utilities of getting through our day.

There are allot of hurting marriages out there we used to have one sometimes I do feel the Church could do more especially for new believers. Having been in one myself we had no idea what to do where to go or how to handle any of it. Even though we were at a church during this time it was the couple of Christians in Gerald's everyday life (his workplace) that got us on the path without judging. Sometimes I actually think about the fact the church missed us somehow and maybe that was partially our fault not sure , but luckily God did not miss us . I've learned one thing for sure God always has a back up plan !

After being married for 17 years I can honestly say we have struggled with nearly everything on the list above. Giving our marriage over to Christ is the only reason we made it past year 10.

Currently our marriage is in a pretty good place. The issue we are struggling most with is finding quality time for one another and also just investing into conversations with each other that are above and beyond the utilities of getting through our day.

There are allot of hurting marriages out there we used to have one sometimes I do feel the Church could do more especially for new believers. Having been in one myself we had no idea what to do where to go or how to handle any of it. Even though we were at a church during this time it was the couple of Christians in Gerald's everyday life (his workplace) that got us on the path without judging. Sometimes I actually think about the fact the church missed us somehow and maybe that was partially our fault not sure , but luckily God did not miss us . I've learned one thing for sure God always has a back up plan !

Justin…I am so grateful to see you focused on the restoration of marriages. You can truly speak with authority on this issue because of the brokeness that you have walked through. The comments generated from this post are incredible and it makes me want to really wake up and pay attention to the many weaknesses that our family continually works through. Thanks for leading in such a powerful way around here!!

Blake

Justin…I am so grateful to see you focused on the restoration of marriages. You can truly speak with authority on this issue because of the brokeness that you have walked through. The comments generated from this post are incredible and it makes me want to really wake up and pay attention to the many weaknesses that our family continually works through. Thanks for leading in such a powerful way around here!!

Blake

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Anne Jackson, Jenni Clayville, Seth Jones, Justin Davis, sarahmarkley and others. sarahmarkley said: What's destroying your marriage? blog post by @justindavis33 http://bit.ly/5kzWSE [...]

My marriage is being destroyed by the selfishness exhibited by both parties. In him by his refusal to address his unhealthy anger bursts and apathy towards me and my feelings. The emotional abuse is worse than the anger, my health problems magnify this. I then retreat into pornography and illicit phone calls with random men. I want out, I want help, I've been seeing a counselor and he's meeting with a pastor, but so far I am discouraged and tired of trying. I pray sometimes that God would take my life.

My marriage is being destroyed by the selfishness exhibited by both parties. In him by his refusal to address his unhealthy anger bursts and apathy towards me and my feelings. The emotional abuse is worse than the anger, my health problems magnify this. I then retreat into pornography and illicit phone calls with random men. I want out, I want help, I've been seeing a counselor and he's meeting with a pastor, but so far I am discouraged and tired of trying. I pray sometimes that God would take my life.

I'm praying for you and your relationship right now. Don't give up!

I'm praying for you and your relationship right now. Don't give up!

I think it is unfair to think the church can be everything to everyone. I think we have to take responsibility for our own lives. If we need help it is our responsibility to seek it whether it is through the church or a professional counselor. Realizing and being willing to admit we need the help can be hard. Putting pride away and stepping out and asking for help can be even harder. I am glad I go to a church like Crosspoint where they are not afraid to face tough issues openly and honestly on both public and private level.

I think it is unfair to think the church can be everything to everyone. I think we have to take responsibility for our own lives. If we need help it is our responsibility to seek it whether it is through the church or a professional counselor. Realizing and being willing to admit we need the help can be hard. Putting pride away and stepping out and asking for help can be even harder. I am glad I go to a church like Crosspoint where they are not afraid to face tough issues openly and honestly on both public and private level.

To Anonymous, Tell Satan to get behind you. he is trying to get you and his grip is strong. he will just keep digging and digging at you. he is digging at the root of your very being. Tell Satan to go and then run (fast) to the Lord!

Praying for you!!!

Take care,
Amy

To Anonymous, Tell Satan to get behind you. he is trying to get you and his grip is strong. he will just keep digging and digging at you. he is digging at the root of your very being. Tell Satan to go and then run (fast) to the Lord!

Praying for you!!!

Take care,
Amy

1. PRIDE!! That is the single most destructive thing in our marriage. And pride is such a 'sneaky' little destroyer! There is not a giant, catastrophic event that has come crashing in on us, but PRIDE has crept in and repeatedly done damage to our marriage! We find ourselves to be too proud to say "I'm sorry", too proud to "give in" and let the other have preference in decision making, and too proud to be the one that "cares more". PRIDE is more harmful than we even realize. Christ was humble and selfless and I pray that our marriage can take on those characteristics.

2. In a word, NO. Pride is often in the driver's seat in churches, too, so it is difficult to find a ministry source that is real enough to address the core issues of failing marriages. THAT'S WHY I COME TO THIS BLOG!! You are real and honest and, as mentioned in an earlier comment, credible. Thanks!!

1. PRIDE!! That is the single most destructive thing in our marriage. And pride is such a 'sneaky' little destroyer! There is not a giant, catastrophic event that has come crashing in on us, but PRIDE has crept in and repeatedly done damage to our marriage! We find ourselves to be too proud to say "I'm sorry", too proud to "give in" and let the other have preference in decision making, and too proud to be the one that "cares more". PRIDE is more harmful than we even realize. Christ was humble and selfless and I pray that our marriage can take on those characteristics.

2. In a word, NO. Pride is often in the driver's seat in churches, too, so it is difficult to find a ministry source that is real enough to address the core issues of failing marriages. THAT'S WHY I COME TO THIS BLOG!! You are real and honest and, as mentioned in an earlier comment, credible. Thanks!!

We have had a lot of issues, big and small, but most of them stemmed from a lack of communication. We didn’t discuss the little things which led to much bigger problems for us. At our lowest point we lived in a place where we didn’t belong to a church, but we attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference. That weekend saved our marriage. We try to go every year because it’s good to be reminded of how important even the little things are. We still aren’t great at communicating, but at least we recognize it now and are working on it.

We have had a lot of issues, big and small, but most of them stemmed from a lack of communication. We didn’t discuss the little things which led to much bigger problems for us. At our lowest point we lived in a place where we didn’t belong to a church, but we attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference. That weekend saved our marriage. We try to go every year because it’s good to be reminded of how important even the little things are. We still aren’t great at communicating, but at least we recognize it now and are working on it.

1) Communication. I sometimes expect my husband to read my mind. It is frustrating for him. I constantly have to talk myself out of "If he loved me, he'd know me well enough to know….
2) I think the Church offers plenty of opportunity to help couples work on communication skills.

1) Communication. I sometimes expect my husband to read my mind. It is frustrating for him. I constantly have to talk myself out of "If he loved me, he'd know me well enough to know….
2) I think the Church offers plenty of opportunity to help couples work on communication skills.

How do you state whats wrong without more space… our biggest issue now, after 20 years, is that we just don't know each other any more. We have lived such different lives since I began to follow Christ. From the beginning we had issues, typical ones. Then finances, then communication. You know, typical. Then things started to get better, but now, well, I don't even know how to speak to my spouse about anything deeper then the surface stuff, you know, how was your day, stuff in the news. There is no intimacy, and I mean none. It comes up every once in awhile, but never more then a comment. We don't go out, we don't have dinner together, we don't, well, we just don't. Is there one thing that caused it? No. Just years, and differences. I'm not placing blame, it takes two to make a marriage work. But, i've tried more. My fear is even if my spouse begins to run after Christ, we still won't have a marriage… My spouse won't talk to anyone, won't go to a marriage conference, nothing. Used to read the bible, but lately that isn't very often. I hold on to God's plan, that God desires' more from us, that He has plans beyond my wildest imagination and wants my marriage. I know God hates divorce and so do I. I am grateful we have not divorced yet sometimes I wonder if I should have left. Anyway, there it is, in a nutshell…

How do you state whats wrong without more space… our biggest issue now, after 20 years, is that we just don't know each other any more. We have lived such different lives since I began to follow Christ. From the beginning we had issues, typical ones. Then finances, then communication. You know, typical. Then things started to get better, but now, well, I don't even know how to speak to my spouse about anything deeper then the surface stuff, you know, how was your day, stuff in the news. There is no intimacy, and I mean none. It comes up every once in awhile, but never more then a comment. We don't go out, we don't have dinner together, we don't, well, we just don't. Is there one thing that caused it? No. Just years, and differences. I'm not placing blame, it takes two to make a marriage work. But, i've tried more. My fear is even if my spouse begins to run after Christ, we still won't have a marriage… My spouse won't talk to anyone, won't go to a marriage conference, nothing. Used to read the bible, but lately that isn't very often. I hold on to God's plan, that God desires' more from us, that He has plans beyond my wildest imagination and wants my marriage. I know God hates divorce and so do I. I am grateful we have not divorced yet sometimes I wonder if I should have left. Anyway, there it is, in a nutshell…

Great questions, Justin, and great discussion.

This past Monday would have been my 18th wedding anniversary with my wife Melody. I wrote about it here. Because of issues that I brought to the marriage, we divorced in 2002, but were reconciled and re-married in October of 2008.

As I look back over our 11 years of marriage before the divorce and see how we relate to each other now, I have to say that cowardice, or a lack of courage, was one of the major factors from a negative perspective.

I was the poster boy for the Christian Nice Guy syndrome and felt that righteous living was avoiding conflict at all costs. As a result of this, I lived to make Melody happy and would carefully avoid situations where there could possibly be a misunderstanding. Pornography is the ultimate symptom of cowardice because with it we can "get the goods" without having to work for it or give anything of yourself. There is absolutely no risk of rejection.

Great questions, Justin, and great discussion.

This past Monday would have been my 18th wedding anniversary with my wife Melody. I wrote about it here. Because of issues that I brought to the marriage, we divorced in 2002, but were reconciled and re-married in October of 2008.

As I look back over our 11 years of marriage before the divorce and see how we relate to each other now, I have to say that cowardice, or a lack of courage, was one of the major factors from a negative perspective.

I was the poster boy for the Christian Nice Guy syndrome and felt that righteous living was avoiding conflict at all costs. As a result of this, I lived to make Melody happy and would carefully avoid situations where there could possibly be a misunderstanding. Pornography is the ultimate symptom of cowardice because with it we can "get the goods" without having to work for it or give anything of yourself. There is absolutely no risk of rejection.

Unfortunately we spend so much time and energy focused on our behavior and fail to see cowardice on the same plane as murder, idolatry, and sexual immorality (Rev 21:8). We are often taught by the church to sanctify mildness rather than be the assertive men and women that God has called us to be.

Unfortunately we spend so much time and energy focused on our behavior and fail to see cowardice on the same plane as murder, idolatry, and sexual immorality (Rev 21:8). We are often taught by the church to sanctify mildness rather than be the assertive men and women that God has called us to be.

1) Alcohol – it turns more "date nights" into arguments and fights.

2) Unsure if The Church helps much here. Might be one of those topics too difficult to handle.

1) Alcohol – it turns more "date nights" into arguments and fights.

2) Unsure if The Church helps much here. Might be one of those topics too difficult to handle.

Unforgiveness. I examine my marriage and believe unforgiveness is the root. There are many things such as lack of communication, finances, resentment but they all stem from the inability to lay the hurts of the past to rest and truly forgive. Since there are forgiveness issues I believe it hinders our ability to be open and honest with each other. I also feel that we try to move around the root problem and ignore it so the conflict happens outside of that issue and creates a separate issue all together.

I think the church is failing many people, not just the married couples, the single, the widowed,the divorced. We make problems in our life seem like sin instead of hardships and trials, which they are.

Unforgiveness. I examine my marriage and believe unforgiveness is the root. There are many things such as lack of communication, finances, resentment but they all stem from the inability to lay the hurts of the past to rest and truly forgive. Since there are forgiveness issues I believe it hinders our ability to be open and honest with each other. I also feel that we try to move around the root problem and ignore it so the conflict happens outside of that issue and creates a separate issue all together.

I think the church is failing many people, not just the married couples, the single, the widowed,the divorced. We make problems in our life seem like sin instead of hardships and trials, which they are.

I meant to say that as for the question about the church helping, in the past, no, people actually told me to divorce. Now people say they "watch" me and think about what God is doing through me, that I can stay positive during this time. But directly, how does anyone help when 1 person doesn't think they need help. The church in general, and by "the church" i mean global believers, I don't think they know how to help. We've strayed from turning to God so much that there are many of us trying to get back to the way God intended it to be, but we just aren't quite sure how to do it. The conferences are great, but many can be too expensive. Not only that, but what about the rest of the year? anyway, that's just my answer…

I meant to say that as for the question about the church helping, in the past, no, people actually told me to divorce. Now people say they "watch" me and think about what God is doing through me, that I can stay positive during this time. But directly, how does anyone help when 1 person doesn't think they need help. The church in general, and by "the church" i mean global believers, I don't think they know how to help. We've strayed from turning to God so much that there are many of us trying to get back to the way God intended it to be, but we just aren't quite sure how to do it. The conferences are great, but many can be too expensive. Not only that, but what about the rest of the year? anyway, that's just my answer…

1) The lies and cheating over the years, and my inability to forgive him for that. Now we add finances, lack of medical insurance, and my constant bitterness to the mix and the last 2 years have been the worst of my life.

2) I can't remember last time I stepped in a church. I have a personal relationship with God, and have the backing of good friends who keep me on the right path. Do I think actually "attending" a church would help?? I don't know right now- I honesty don't. And I used to go EVERY single Sunday for years.

1) The lies and cheating over the years, and my inability to forgive him for that. Now we add finances, lack of medical insurance, and my constant bitterness to the mix and the last 2 years have been the worst of my life.

2) I can't remember last time I stepped in a church. I have a personal relationship with God, and have the backing of good friends who keep me on the right path. Do I think actually "attending" a church would help?? I don't know right now- I honesty don't. And I used to go EVERY single Sunday for years.

Doug, my first run in ministry I really struggled with balance. I felt like my ministry, the church, people's relationship with God rose and fell with me…I talked about trusting God, but really thought I was more in control of my ministry than He was. Having lost it all, I see now that God longs for us to be who He's called us to be before we do what He's called us to do! Thanks for your honesty!

Doug, my first run in ministry I really struggled with balance. I felt like my ministry, the church, people's relationship with God rose and fell with me…I talked about trusting God, but really thought I was more in control of my ministry than He was. Having lost it all, I see now that God longs for us to be who He's called us to be before we do what He's called us to do! Thanks for your honesty!

James…great thoughts…."it is easier to let life take over than to confront the big issues." Sadly, I've been there, and it is a miserable way to live. So thankful God is moving you guys through that!

James…great thoughts…."it is easier to let life take over than to confront the big issues." Sadly, I've been there, and it is a miserable way to live. So thankful God is moving you guys through that!

Scott…I resisted counseling and therapy for so long…partly because of pride and partly because I didn't want to know how broken I was..I guess that would be considered stupidity! Thanks for sharing from your heart!

Scott…I resisted counseling and therapy for so long…partly because of pride and partly because I didn't want to know how broken I was..I guess that would be considered stupidity! Thanks for sharing from your heart!

Natalie…thanks for sharing something so close to your heart. I don't have an answer for you, but I'd like to offer some encouragement…if you haven't done this yet, I would challenge you to pray for them and pray for your husband. The truth is, you can't change him, and you can't change them. But God can. And if your husband doesn't ever stand up to his family, you will still be in a better place because God will change you through your prayers. Your prayers will unleash the power of God in your marriage and family in a way that will allow you to rise above the treatment you are getting.

Natalie…thanks for sharing something so close to your heart. I don't have an answer for you, but I'd like to offer some encouragement…if you haven't done this yet, I would challenge you to pray for them and pray for your husband. The truth is, you can't change him, and you can't change them. But God can. And if your husband doesn't ever stand up to his family, you will still be in a better place because God will change you through your prayers. Your prayers will unleash the power of God in your marriage and family in a way that will allow you to rise above the treatment you are getting.

His Daughter…I know that the issues that are weighing on your marriage are bigger than a book can fix or I can fix with this one response…but I want you to know that Trisha and I are praying for you. I do believe anything is possible with God…the price is often high, but the payment (if willing to be paid by both people) is worth it. A book that I would highly recommend is a book called "Love and Respect". Here is a link http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desper... . Please let us know if we can serve you in any way!

His Daughter…I know that the issues that are weighing on your marriage are bigger than a book can fix or I can fix with this one response…but I want you to know that Trisha and I are praying for you. I do believe anything is possible with God…the price is often high, but the payment (if willing to be paid by both people) is worth it. A book that I would highly recommend is a book called "Love and Respect". Here is a link http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desper... . Please let us know if we can serve you in any way!

Bob…wow…thank you for sharing your story and your journey. It is an awesome thing when the church loves people where they are and believe that they can be all that God created them to be!

Bob…wow…thank you for sharing your story and your journey. It is an awesome thing when the church loves people where they are and believe that they can be all that God created them to be!

Crumbs…we have been there…in fact I wrote about what you are talking about in this post http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy... . You aren't going to be able to get back to where you were over night or easily. It is going to take time and it is going to take hard work. You are going to have to make a decision that no matter what, you are on the same team, and you are in this together. That perspective alone changes how you receive info and give info. I'd also encourage you to begin praying for one another, out loud, together. It will feel weird, but it will be a game changer. Thank you for sharing!

Crumbs…we have been there…in fact I wrote about what you are talking about in this post http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy... . You aren't going to be able to get back to where you were over night or easily. It is going to take time and it is going to take hard work. You are going to have to make a decision that no matter what, you are on the same team, and you are in this together. That perspective alone changes how you receive info and give info. I'd also encourage you to begin praying for one another, out loud, together. It will feel weird, but it will be a game changer. Thank you for sharing!

We all have a deep need to be loved. Simply saying a prayer to receive Jesus is not the end all to fill that void. Even as Christians we still take that need to everything and everyone but God…our wives, husbands, family, careers, sports, porn, facebook, church activity…the list goes on.

The only One who can fill that need is God. The "Good News" is that God desires a relationship with us, intimate, daily, every moment. Who do you think put the need to be loved in our hearts? Also, it is more then the 5-15 minute devotional you do every (few) day(s)!

The things listed in the question and the things shared in the comments are still 'symptoms' of taking our heart to everything but God.

The 'church' cannot address this until they do away with the religion, rules, and 'christian duty'. There is more concern about appearances and accountability then the Heart, God's love for us, His desire to have a relationship with us.

We all have a deep need to be loved. Simply saying a prayer to receive Jesus is not the end all to fill that void. Even as Christians we still take that need to everything and everyone but God…our wives, husbands, family, careers, sports, porn, facebook, church activity…the list goes on.

The only One who can fill that need is God. The "Good News" is that God desires a relationship with us, intimate, daily, every moment. Who do you think put the need to be loved in our hearts? Also, it is more then the 5-15 minute devotional you do every (few) day(s)!

The things listed in the question and the things shared in the comments are still 'symptoms' of taking our heart to everything but God.

The 'church' cannot address this until they do away with the religion, rules, and 'christian duty'. There is more concern about appearances and accountability then the Heart, God's love for us, His desire to have a relationship with us.

Brad…so many people who have young kids don't take into account the pressure and stress they can add to a marriage…before long you are arguing about things that you would have never argued about before…thanks for sharing!

Brad…so many people who have young kids don't take into account the pressure and stress they can add to a marriage…before long you are arguing about things that you would have never argued about before…thanks for sharing!

Nicole…I think you are right on with the connection and appreciation factor! Great thoughts. I know that for Trisha and I some of the most miserable times we have had is when we are on different pages as parents. What we did a few years ago was take an evening and go out for dinner and discuss issues we had with our kids…and then we decided together how to deal with it. That way, we weren't making a decision in front of the kids that the other parent didn't agree with…we were on the same page in front of the kids, and that has made a huge difference!

Nicole…I think you are right on with the connection and appreciation factor! Great thoughts. I know that for Trisha and I some of the most miserable times we have had is when we are on different pages as parents. What we did a few years ago was take an evening and go out for dinner and discuss issues we had with our kids…and then we decided together how to deal with it. That way, we weren't making a decision in front of the kids that the other parent didn't agree with…we were on the same page in front of the kids, and that has made a huge difference!

See the response I gave to His Daughter above…she is in the same position to some degree!

We've been married for 14 years and are still figuring this out…but one step we took this year was to take Financial Peace University together and be absolutely honest about where we are financially. It has been hard and embarrassing and not fun, but has opened up a new level of intimacy and conversation in our relationship!

We've been married for 14 years and are still figuring this out…but one step we took this year was to take Financial Peace University together and be absolutely honest about where we are financially. It has been hard and embarrassing and not fun, but has opened up a new level of intimacy and conversation in our relationship!

See the response I gave to His Daughter above…she is in the same position to some degree!

Anita…I am sorry that you have experienced that at church. I know it is already difficult, but to add the lack of support you feel from those at church make it even more hard…I am praying for you!

Anita…I am sorry that you have experienced that at church. I know it is already difficult, but to add the lack of support you feel from those at church make it even more hard…I am praying for you!

Prudence…one of the things we realized when we were separated is that Trisha hates cooking and grocery shopping…I don't mind it. So I have started doing that and it has transformed our marriage in so many ways! I'd at least have that conversation.

Prudence…one of the things we realized when we were separated is that Trisha hates cooking and grocery shopping…I don't mind it. So I have started doing that and it has transformed our marriage in so many ways! I'd at least have that conversation.

1. infertility
2. no

Great thoughts Rosacola! Thank you for sharing.

Great thoughts Rosacola! Thank you for sharing.

1. infertility
2. no

Lisa, I think you make a great point. I think historically in the Church (with a capital C) we have assumed that people who become followers of Christ will just know what to do without any guidance. Magically all of their habits will just transform and they will not struggle with the baggage of their past…the result is that we train people to be fake when they realize that it doesn't work like that, they pretend like it does. Thank yo for your honesty!

Lisa, I think you make a great point. I think historically in the Church (with a capital C) we have assumed that people who become followers of Christ will just know what to do without any guidance. Magically all of their habits will just transform and they will not struggle with the baggage of their past…the result is that we train people to be fake when they realize that it doesn't work like that, they pretend like it does. Thank yo for your honesty!

even though I don't know who you are, God does, and I am praying for you and your marriage!

even though I don't know who you are, God does, and I am praying for you and your marriage!

We were married for 25 years before our marriage ended in divorce. From the beginning we fought about sex(lack of from me), never about money and seldom about kids. I think there was a lack of emotional intimacy which is probably a communication problem. I want to tell you all not once through all these years did I ever think about my marriage vows or the covenant I made before God. Why? I don't know. I was so caught up in my fantasy that I married the wrong person, that someone else could make me happy. I want to tell all you married folks to wake up! Get up everyday and die to self, put yourself aside. Cherish and adore the person you married!
As far as the church goes, my husband taught a marriage covenant class and I sat right there in it. I must have had ear plugs in. I'm hear to say that you can sit in a church every week and not hear what is being said. Its about a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that really makes the difference.

Thank you so much Blake!

Thank you so much Blake!

We were married for 25 years before our marriage ended in divorce. From the beginning we fought about sex(lack of from me), never about money and seldom about kids. I think there was a lack of emotional intimacy which is probably a communication problem. I want to tell you all not once through all these years did I ever think about my marriage vows or the covenant I made before God. Why? I don't know. I was so caught up in my fantasy that I married the wrong person, that someone else could make me happy. I want to tell all you married folks to wake up! Get up everyday and die to self, put yourself aside. Cherish and adore the person you married!
As far as the church goes, my husband taught a marriage covenant class and I sat right there in it. I must have had ear plugs in. I'm hear to say that you can sit in a church every week and not hear what is being said. Its about a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that really makes the difference.

I agree with Trisha and with Cshell…we are praying for you and don't give up…the fight is worth it!

I agree with Trisha and with Cshell…we are praying for you and don't give up…the fight is worth it!

Newlywed, thank you for sharing your heart. Baggage is only baggage if you continue to carry it. My greatest encouragement to you would be to talk about everything you are feeling…get it out in the open and off of your heart and mind. Don't allow any of that baggage to come between you and your wife. When all of the hurt and brokenness and mistrust and guilt is out, it will not have any power over you anymore. I am thankful that you shared what you did, because I am sure there are people reading your comment that are struggling with the same thing!

Newlywed, thank you for sharing your heart. Baggage is only baggage if you continue to carry it. My greatest encouragement to you would be to talk about everything you are feeling…get it out in the open and off of your heart and mind. Don't allow any of that baggage to come between you and your wife. When all of the hurt and brokenness and mistrust and guilt is out, it will not have any power over you anymore. I am thankful that you shared what you did, because I am sure there are people reading your comment that are struggling with the same thing!

My wife and I have both been married before and are newly married. I think the thing we are struggling with the most is the "baggage" that we carry with us from previous relationships. When you are part of a broken relationship and come to a new one it is amazing how much you carry. Guilt, mistrust, being set in old ways, old ways of communicating that weren't successful then and aren't now. Children from previous marriages and the guilt that can come from being the parent that left. It is such a reality that no matter what all marriages face some issue, some test, and the ever constant – change. It is almost reassuring to read a page like this and understand that we aren't the only ones facing challenges and that we can overcome. I have faith in God and faith that He will honor us if we put Him first not only in our individual lives but in our marriage as well.

My wife and I have both been married before and are newly married. I think the thing we are struggling with the most is the "baggage" that we carry with us from previous relationships. When you are part of a broken relationship and come to a new one it is amazing how much you carry. Guilt, mistrust, being set in old ways, old ways of communicating that weren't successful then and aren't now. Children from previous marriages and the guilt that can come from being the parent that left. It is such a reality that no matter what all marriages face some issue, some test, and the ever constant – change. It is almost reassuring to read a page like this and understand that we aren't the only ones facing challenges and that we can overcome. I have faith in God and faith that He will honor us if we put Him first not only in our individual lives but in our marriage as well.

Lamentations 3 is a passage of scripture I read often…it is basically a prayer describing God crushing the writer. I heard Chuck Swindall give a talk earlier this year where he simply said "Leave room for the crushing." When I don't care who gets the credit and I'm more concerned about being healthy than being right, pride gets defeated!

Lamentations 3 is a passage of scripture I read often…it is basically a prayer describing God crushing the writer. I heard Chuck Swindall give a talk earlier this year where he simply said "Leave room for the crushing." When I don't care who gets the credit and I'm more concerned about being healthy than being right, pride gets defeated!

Unspoken expectations are unmet expectations! Great thoughts Helen!

Unspoken expectations are unmet expectations! Great thoughts Helen!

1) Temptation. Giving into that temptation. Then not allowing myself to be forgiven by anyone, not even my wife, is what led to the destruction of my marriage. In the course of 2 1/2 years, I lost my father to cancer, who was my beacon of hope and my rock, slipped into a depression that I didn't even know that I had until it was too late. I got married, spent 2 months on a futon couch riddled with severe panic attacks. I was agoraphobic. I couldn't leave the house, or even that room with out having another attack. My wife, stayed by my side through it all. And yet, while I couldn't pinpoint the problem, or figure out exactly why I was so outside of myself with depression, I laid the blame on her. After all, I might have been depressed before the marriage, but it didn't manifest itself till after the wedding day. I was oh so terribly wrong. I thought I had pulled myself through it. I started running. I lost weight. And began searching for happiness elsewhere. Some sort of thrill, and that's when I snapped. I allowed myself to be tempted by another woman, and I pursued that temptation to the point of no return. Then I completely lost myself. The guilt that I felt was so overwhelming, all I could do was run. So I did, but I didn't run alone…instead I ran with the only person that knew what I had done, the only person that promised me to be there no matter what…I ran to the other woman.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I swear to this day, I had lived as good of a Christian life as anyone could have possibly lived. But somewhere along the way, I completely snapped. I lost all identity. All of my upbringing…and I completely, single handedly destroyed the hearts of people that truly loved me and wanted to help me. But I didn't let them. Not even my own wife who wanted to work things out…I couldn't do it. I was so ashamed. Temptation was just a symptom of a much larger problem, but it’s what led me to our demise. I'm still fighting with my past regrets every single day. It's a quiet war and the battles within really have taken a tole. I've been forgiven by my now ex-wife, but we have no contact whatsoever. And that's only fair to her. Even while typing this I'm fighting back a flood of tears at the thought of who I hurt along the way. Sorry for this short novel, but I guess I needed to share this story with others who may be fighting with temptation of some sort. Do not rely on your own strength. You may think you have it, but don’t fool yourself…you don’t. Never be ashamed to let others know the struggles you’re having. Communicate with your spouse. Share everything. Cling to every moment, good or bad, and for God’s sake, when you run, run to her. When you cry, cry on her shoulder. When you pray, put her at the top of your list. Cherish your wife. Love her with all of your heart, and thank God every step of the way.

2) I had stopped going to church all together at that point. I had never found “my place”. But the church I attend now has been the single best thing that’s happened in my life over the last 3 years. I finally know I’m forgiven. For me, that’s some serious progress☺ God bless you guys. Thank you for sharing your story to those of us that have struggled along the way. Your impact on my life is just a tip of the iceberg for the work you’ve done and will continue to do.

1) Temptation. Giving into that temptation. Then not allowing myself to be forgiven by anyone, not even my wife, is what led to the destruction of my marriage. In the course of 2 1/2 years, I lost my father to cancer, who was my beacon of hope and my rock, slipped into a depression that I didn't even know that I had until it was too late. I got married, spent 2 months on a futon couch riddled with severe panic attacks. I was agoraphobic. I couldn't leave the house, or even that room with out having another attack. My wife, stayed by my side through it all. And yet, while I couldn't pinpoint the problem, or figure out exactly why I was so outside of myself with depression, I laid the blame on her. After all, I might have been depressed before the marriage, but it didn't manifest itself till after the wedding day. I was oh so terribly wrong. I thought I had pulled myself through it. I started running. I lost weight. And began searching for happiness elsewhere. Some sort of thrill, and that's when I snapped. I allowed myself to be tempted by another woman, and I pursued that temptation to the point of no return. Then I completely lost myself. The guilt that I felt was so overwhelming, all I could do was run. So I did, but I didn't run alone…instead I ran with the only person that knew what I had done, the only person that promised me to be there no matter what…I ran to the other woman.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I swear to this day, I had lived as good of a Christian life as anyone could have possibly lived. But somewhere along the way, I completely snapped. I lost all identity. All of my upbringing…and I completely, single handedly destroyed the hearts of people that truly loved me and wanted to help me. But I didn't let them. Not even my own wife who wanted to work things out…I couldn't do it. I was so ashamed. Temptation was just a symptom of a much larger problem, but it’s what led me to our demise. I'm still fighting with my past regrets every single day. It's a quiet war and the battles within really have taken a tole. I've been forgiven by my now ex-wife, but we have no contact whatsoever. And that's only fair to her. Even while typing this I'm fighting back a flood of tears at the thought of who I hurt along the way. Sorry for this short novel, but I guess I needed to share this story with others who may be fighting with temptation of some sort. Do not rely on your own strength. You may think you have it, but don’t fool yourself…you don’t. Never be ashamed to let others know the struggles you’re having. Communicate with your spouse. Share everything. Cling to every moment, good or bad, and for God’s sake, when you run, run to her. When you cry, cry on her shoulder. When you pray, put her at the top of your list. Cherish your wife. Love her with all of your heart, and thank God every step of the way.

2) I had stopped going to church all together at that point. I had never found “my place”. But the church I attend now has been the single best thing that’s happened in my life over the last 3 years. I finally know I’m forgiven. For me, that’s some serious progress☺ God bless you guys. Thank you for sharing your story to those of us that have struggled along the way. Your impact on my life is just a tip of the iceberg for the work you’ve done and will continue to do.

I want to recommend this book to you…it won't "fix" anything, but it will give you hope if you engage with it. http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-...

You may never be able to change your husband, but God still longs to change you…and He can and will do that as you pray. It seems cheesy at first, but I promise you it works!

I want to recommend this book to you…it won't "fix" anything, but it will give you hope if you engage with it. http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-...

You may never be able to change your husband, but God still longs to change you…and He can and will do that as you pray. It seems cheesy at first, but I promise you it works!

Traylor! Powerful story! God's redemption is amazing! Thank you for sharing it with us! We have a lot in common, that is for sure!

Traylor! Powerful story! God's redemption is amazing! Thank you for sharing it with us! We have a lot in common, that is for sure!

Totally understand the fear of counseling/therapy. I can't think of one person that looks forward to laying out all their crap to a complete stranger. I always advise people to have someone they trust recommend a counselor/therapist.

But here's the deal, you all are proving why Jesus came. There is healing that goes beyond our understanding. Proud of you all!

Totally understand the fear of counseling/therapy. I can't think of one person that looks forward to laying out all their crap to a complete stranger. I always advise people to have someone they trust recommend a counselor/therapist.

But here's the deal, you all are proving why Jesus came. There is healing that goes beyond our understanding. Proud of you all!

Family Life Weekend to Remember have been marriage savers for a lot of people we know. If anyone is interested you can find more about them here:

http://www.shopfamilylife.com/familylife-resource...

Family Life Weekend to Remember have been marriage savers for a lot of people we know. If anyone is interested you can find more about them here:

http://www.shopfamilylife.com/familylife-resource...

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for sharing!

Lael…thank you for sharing. Sometimes examining our life/marriage is the hardest thing to do because there is a good chance we won't like what we find. Trisha wrote a post on her struggle with this, you can find it here:

http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy...

Lael…thank you for sharing. Sometimes examining our life/marriage is the hardest thing to do because there is a good chance we won't like what we find. Trisha wrote a post on her struggle with this, you can find it here:

http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy...

My husband now and I have a Great relationship. If we have disagreements at all it is over children issues related to being in a blended family. It is hard when you do not have total control over finances or discipline issues. It is a huge stressor. We do pretty well with it, but we work at it constantly.

My husband now and I have a Great relationship. If we have disagreements at all it is over children issues related to being in a blended family. It is hard when you do not have total control over finances or discipline issues. It is a huge stressor. We do pretty well with it, but we work at it constantly.

My first marriage ended mainly because of extreme verbal abuse among a host of other things. You name it is was an issue. Oddly enough we could actually get along fine at times and had a great deal in common.But that is another story in and of itself. The thing that killed our marriage was really based on the essence of this one statement" I really don't care about your day or what you did today, would you rather me pretend to care? Can you leave now so I can watch TV" "I said no I would prefer you really cared" Yes this was actually said and yes he meant it and admitted he meant it when I stood in awe of his statement and asked him about it. There is nothing worse than the person you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with could care less about you and your life or any part of it. Love your spouse. Work hard at knowing what makes them tick and gets them excited. Allow time for both of you to express your dreams and desires and frustrations. It is a 2 way street. Just listening to each other and encouraging each other can go a long way when everything else is a mess.It can't be all one person

Cont. I love my church, but I would have to answer NO to helping with the blended family issue. Most things in the church are geared toward the " traditional family" They may say otherwise, but as a blended family the activities are set up with the traditional family in mind and do not really take in to consideration the schedules of divorced, single parents or blended families. Sadly we are the majority.This can leave you feeling very isolated and makes it hard to get involved especially with your children. It would be great if there were classes or resources to help with parents and people preparing for a 2nd marriage or tools for blended families. I think that 2nd marriages fail due to the lack of support and tools to deal with some of these issues. It is great if you can stay married the first time, but if you didn't you are going to need all the help you can get the next go around because you have even more baggage and more issues from the get go. It is definetly something that needs to be addressed in the church today if they really want to reach all families. I believe this would help a great deal of marriages. There are a lot of stressors. Just my thoughts.

Cont. I love my church, but I would have to answer NO to helping with the blended family issue. Most things in the church are geared toward the " traditional family" They may say otherwise, but as a blended family the activities are set up with the traditional family in mind and do not really take in to consideration the schedules of divorced, single parents or blended families. Sadly we are the majority.This can leave you feeling very isolated and makes it hard to get involved especially with your children. It would be great if there were classes or resources to help with parents and people preparing for a 2nd marriage or tools for blended families. I think that 2nd marriages fail due to the lack of support and tools to deal with some of these issues. It is great if you can stay married the first time, but if you didn't you are going to need all the help you can get the next go around because you have even more baggage and more issues from the get go. It is definetly something that needs to be addressed in the church today if they really want to reach all families. I believe this would help a great deal of marriages. There are a lot of stressors. Just my thoughts.

My first marriage ended mainly because of extreme verbal abuse among a host of other things. You name it is was an issue. Oddly enough we could actually get along fine at times and had a great deal in common.But that is another story in and of itself. The thing that killed our marriage was really based on the essence of this one statement" I really don't care about your day or what you did today, would you rather me pretend to care? Can you leave now so I can watch TV" "I said no I would prefer you really cared" Yes this was actually said and yes he meant it and admitted he meant it when I stood in awe of his statement and asked him about it. There is nothing worse than the person you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with could care less about you and your life or any part of it. Love your spouse. Work hard at knowing what makes them tick and gets them excited. Allow time for both of you to express your dreams and desires and frustrations. It is a 2 way street. Just listening to each other and encouraging each other can go a long way when everything else is a mess.It can't be all one person

Trust, resentment & unforgiveness. I have been married for 7 years and and we have battled these three things since day one. Last year was probably the worst…I did not think we were going to make it. We have been attending church for the last couple of years but we did not have a real relationship with God. I turned to everyone that I thought could "fix" us, our pastors, a church counselor, but once we finally turned to God and let HIM in our hearts it is amazing the way HE is changing our marriage now. We still have a long way to go but I feel that we are on the right track.

Trust, resentment & unforgiveness. I have been married for 7 years and and we have battled these three things since day one. Last year was probably the worst…I did not think we were going to make it. We have been attending church for the last couple of years but we did not have a real relationship with God. I turned to everyone that I thought could "fix" us, our pastors, a church counselor, but once we finally turned to God and let HIM in our hearts it is amazing the way HE is changing our marriage now. We still have a long way to go but I feel that we are on the right track.

I do feel that the church could be more effective helping couples go through tough times. I know that I was searching hard to talk to anyone that I thought could help, guide us in a better direction, give us hope to fight for our marriage. The first person I turned to was our pastor which took a lot for me to make that call. Once we met with one of the pastors it was a disappointing experience. I'm not sure what I expected, but I know I expected way more than what we got in that meeting. Here we were pouring our hearts out about the most private, humiliating issues that we were facing in our marriage and I do not think that he even took the time to ask us our names. No follow up call…nothing. We even saw him at church a couple of weeks later and I do not even think he recognized us. It felt like a slap in the face. We were begging for a spiritual direction. Luckily, we did not give up and we are now finding our way. When people come to the church for help when they are as "broken" as we were I feel that the church could make a huge impact. If people are willing to ask the church for help then I feel that they are also willing to accept the help if offered to them.

I do feel that the church could be more effective helping couples go through tough times. I know that I was searching hard to talk to anyone that I thought could help, guide us in a better direction, give us hope to fight for our marriage. The first person I turned to was our pastor which took a lot for me to make that call. Once we met with one of the pastors it was a disappointing experience. I'm not sure what I expected, but I know I expected way more than what we got in that meeting. Here we were pouring our hearts out about the most private, humiliating issues that we were facing in our marriage and I do not think that he even took the time to ask us our names. No follow up call…nothing. We even saw him at church a couple of weeks later and I do not even think he recognized us. It felt like a slap in the face. We were begging for a spiritual direction. Luckily, we did not give up and we are now finding our way. When people come to the church for help when they are as "broken" as we were I feel that the church could make a huge impact. If people are willing to ask the church for help then I feel that they are also willing to accept the help if offered to them.

Jason…thank you so much for commenting. I love your heart and your thoughts here! I am praying for you bro!

Jason…thank you so much for commenting. I love your heart and your thoughts here! I am praying for you bro!

Pam…Wow! Thank you for your honesty, your words of wisdom and allowing your brokenness to be used for God's ultimate good in the lives of others.

Pam…Wow! Thank you for your honesty, your words of wisdom and allowing your brokenness to be used for God's ultimate good in the lives of others.

Regretful…God can redeem anything. I know you will always wish that the past played out different, but I know that God has a future and a plan in store for you that you can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing from your heart tonight!

Regretful…God can redeem anything. I know you will always wish that the past played out different, but I know that God has a future and a plan in store for you that you can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing from your heart tonight!

Communication. But not between us, exactly. My husbands family is very close…too close. His parents separated when he was six, and he's pretty much been the man of the house ever since. So when we got married, she still called him for everything. From the leaky pipe to the out of control 16 year old. And if he wouldn't drop everything (once leaving me throwing up with a sick 6 month old for 12 hours because his brother was out of control) she would cry and say that he didn't care of his handicapped brother got hurt. It took a while for him to learn to say, Mom, he's your child. I have my own child to take care of. It also helped that we moved too far for him to just run over. The church made our marriage stronger….only after trying to tear it apart when my husband's preacher tried to destroy it by calling out my husband for being a bad husband because he allowed me to go out with friends without him. My husband was so hurt by this, it has turned him away from church definately, and not too sure about God. I'm now stuck trying to undo the damage, encouraging without pushing, trying to get him to believe God loves in, in very, very tiny steps

Communication. But not between us, exactly. My husbands family is very close…too close. His parents separated when he was six, and he's pretty much been the man of the house ever since. So when we got married, she still called him for everything. From the leaky pipe to the out of control 16 year old. And if he wouldn't drop everything (once leaving me throwing up with a sick 6 month old for 12 hours because his brother was out of control) she would cry and say that he didn't care of his handicapped brother got hurt. It took a while for him to learn to say, Mom, he's your child. I have my own child to take care of. It also helped that we moved too far for him to just run over. The church made our marriage stronger….only after trying to tear it apart when my husband's preacher tried to destroy it by calling out my husband for being a bad husband because he allowed me to go out with friends without him. My husband was so hurt by this, it has turned him away from church definately, and not too sure about God. I'm now stuck trying to undo the damage, encouraging without pushing, trying to get him to believe God loves in, in very, very tiny steps

Anita…there are some great thoughts here. Some of the things you talk about and point out I never would have thought about without your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

Anita…there are some great thoughts here. Some of the things you talk about and point out I never would have thought about without your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

I have the book. And I truly believe praying for our spouses is very critical. I am not giving up. And, I don't believe I can change my spouse, that is not my job I ask God to change me. It's just, there are days I feel so alone. Our kids have been affected too, of course, and I feel as though at times I have raised them on my own. I try not to focus on what is wrong but instead remember that we are still married, that divorce is NOT an answer (no one wins) and that he still works & provides for the family and so much more. I encourage people to stand for their marriage, that it really is worth the fight. I tell others to look to the Lord for their strength and to continue to pursue their own relationship with Christ. I have come to understand that it really isn't about our marriage anyway, its about our relationship with Christ and that as we pursue Him, we change and desire that others will know Him. And in that, we see the need to pray for others, including our spouse. and I continuously ask God to show me how to be a better example of Christ to my spouse and to those around me. Wow, I'm preaching, sorry. I pray God continues to strengthen your marriage and that He continues to use you to help others see their need for Christ and their need to do whatever it takes to stay married.

I have the book. And I truly believe praying for our spouses is very critical. I am not giving up. And, I don't believe I can change my spouse, that is not my job I ask God to change me. It's just, there are days I feel so alone. Our kids have been affected too, of course, and I feel as though at times I have raised them on my own. I try not to focus on what is wrong but instead remember that we are still married, that divorce is NOT an answer (no one wins) and that he still works & provides for the family and so much more. I encourage people to stand for their marriage, that it really is worth the fight. I tell others to look to the Lord for their strength and to continue to pursue their own relationship with Christ. I have come to understand that it really isn't about our marriage anyway, its about our relationship with Christ and that as we pursue Him, we change and desire that others will know Him. And in that, we see the need to pray for others, including our spouse. and I continuously ask God to show me how to be a better example of Christ to my spouse and to those around me. Wow, I'm preaching, sorry. I pray God continues to strengthen your marriage and that He continues to use you to help others see their need for Christ and their need to do whatever it takes to stay married.

unforgiven…I am so sorry for the past two years. I know what you have gone through is hell. Please know I am praying for you, my wife Trisha is praying for you, and this community is a testimony of how God can take marriages that are virtually dead, and bring them back to life!

unforgiven…I am so sorry for the past two years. I know what you have gone through is hell. Please know I am praying for you, my wife Trisha is praying for you, and this community is a testimony of how God can take marriages that are virtually dead, and bring them back to life!

There have been "white lies" here and there for no reason since the beginning of our marriage. These LITTLE lies have caused lots of distrust issues. These issues put such a wedge between us that I always feared he would have an affair. One year ago I caught him having online sexual conversations with a old high school friend which also led to him telling me about a couple of other online affairs. I have really struggled ….do I believe that he is telling me the truth that there was never any physical contact??? after all the lies that he has told me through out our marriage? This to me was just as bad as a full blown affair. It's been hard and one of the most hurtful things that I have experienced.

Thank you for being so open and honest with your story. It has given me so much hope for my marriage this past year.

There have been "white lies" here and there for no reason since the beginning of our marriage. These LITTLE lies have caused lots of distrust issues. These issues put such a wedge between us that I always feared he would have an affair. One year ago I caught him having online sexual conversations with a old high school friend which also led to him telling me about a couple of other online affairs. I have really struggled ….do I believe that he is telling me the truth that there was never any physical contact??? after all the lies that he has told me through out our marriage? This to me was just as bad as a full blown affair. It's been hard and one of the most hurtful things that I have experienced.

Thank you for being so open and honest with your story. It has given me so much hope for my marriage this past year.

Anonymous ~ My heart hurts for where you are right now. Please know that there was never a guarantee that our marriage would be put back together. When I told my boys Justin wasn't coming home… that's all I new at that point. I couldn't choose brokenness for Justin and he couldn't choose it for me. Thats what makes our story a miracle. We both choose God and in response choose each other.

I believe with all my heart that you can find healing. I don't have a map or a five step program but you are on the right track regardless if your spouse is. YES, it will be hard. Yes you will have layers of pain and dysfunction to deal with. Yes It will take time to heal and understand your addictions and baggage BUT God's love for you never changes. He loves you broken and bleeding and desires nothing more but for you to be healed.

My wounds from our story have left huge ugly scares. They use to haunt me but now they remind me of how amazing God is and the miracle He has done in me and our marriage. Both you and I will not experience complete healing until we are in heaven. But while here… God is always with you and nothing, not pornography, illness or affairs can keep his love for you… but there is a catch.

You have to be willing to choose. Choose to believe that He loves you. Choose joy that is found only in Him. Choose to lean into God's word and the instructions it gives us for life and healing. Choose to believe that the hard steps you are taking are impacting you for the better but will take time. I know this is easier said than done but I've been there. I'm still on the journey just further down the road. I had to take the first steps too and I am proud that you are as well! Don't give up! Praying for you! ~ Trish

Anonymous ~ My heart hurts for where you are right now. Please know that there was never a guarantee that our marriage would be put back together. When I told my boys Justin wasn't coming home… that's all I new at that point. I couldn't choose brokenness for Justin and he couldn't choose it for me. Thats what makes our story a miracle. We both choose God and in response choose each other.

I believe with all my heart that you can find healing. I don't have a map or a five step program but you are on the right track regardless if your spouse is. YES, it will be hard. Yes you will have layers of pain and dysfunction to deal with. Yes It will take time to heal and understand your addictions and baggage BUT God's love for you never changes. He loves you broken and bleeding and desires nothing more but for you to be healed.

My wounds from our story have left huge ugly scares. They use to haunt me but now they remind me of how amazing God is and the miracle He has done in me and our marriage. Both you and I will not experience complete healing until we are in heaven. But while here… God is always with you and nothing, not pornography, illness or affairs can keep his love for you… but there is a catch.

You have to be willing to choose. Choose to believe that He loves you. Choose joy that is found only in Him. Choose to lean into God's word and the instructions it gives us for life and healing. Choose to believe that the hard steps you are taking are impacting you for the better but will take time. I know this is easier said than done but I've been there. I'm still on the journey just further down the road. I had to take the first steps too and I am proud that you are as well! Don't give up! Praying for you! ~ Trish

1) communication. not in that we dont communicate – we do, we always have. but one of us usually always have to be right. and that one of us isnt me. yah…go ahead, call brent on it in a few weeks when we're in nashville. so…what this does, and he knows, is prevents me from talkin about some things. which is also wrong….i still need to share. so we both can be at fault in this.

i think our church does well in showing, through action and through teaching, how to treat others. so, yes.

but like anything in life – we can be shown and walked through a process til everyone is blue in the face…but unless we apply what we learn and know it doesnt matter.

1) communication. not in that we dont communicate – we do, we always have. but one of us usually always have to be right. and that one of us isnt me. yah…go ahead, call brent on it in a few weeks when we're in nashville. so…what this does, and he knows, is prevents me from talkin about some things. which is also wrong….i still need to share. so we both can be at fault in this.

i think our church does well in showing, through action and through teaching, how to treat others. so, yes.

but like anything in life – we can be shown and walked through a process til everyone is blue in the face…but unless we apply what we learn and know it doesnt matter.

Great discussion…couldn't wait to get home tonight to add to it.

1. Lots of things, really. Since my wife isn't here to present her side, I'll discuss my contributions to our current situation. Anger issues leading to verbal abuse, lack of attention/affection and some unhealthy desires. I do believe that the most damage was done by my anger, which stripped away her ability and willingness to trust me with her emotional safety, and blinded me to the damage I was doing. I also did not step up to the plate as the spritiual head of our household as I should have

Great discussion…couldn't wait to get home tonight to add to it.

1. Lots of things, really. Since my wife isn't here to present her side, I'll discuss my contributions to our current situation. Anger issues leading to verbal abuse, lack of attention/affection and some unhealthy desires. I do believe that the most damage was done by my anger, which stripped away her ability and willingness to trust me with her emotional safety, and blinded me to the damage I was doing. I also did not step up to the plate as the spritiual head of our household as I should have

2. I feel that the church is failing miserably in the area of marriage. When things reached the initial crisis point (as in the point where I finally realized the depth of our problem), we approached our pastor, separately and together, for help, and were sorely dissappointed in the very little help we got.

What the church really needs to do, IMO, is to develop mentor couples. Couples who are seasoned in marriage and are willing to come alongside other, younger couples (or even older couples) and guide them through the trials of marriage. Sort of like a marriage discipleship.

2. I feel that the church is failing miserably in the area of marriage. When things reached the initial crisis point (as in the point where I finally realized the depth of our problem), we approached our pastor, separately and together, for help, and were sorely dissappointed in the very little help we got.

What the church really needs to do, IMO, is to develop mentor couples. Couples who are seasoned in marriage and are willing to come alongside other, younger couples (or even older couples) and guide them through the trials of marriage. Sort of like a marriage discipleship.

I do not blame the church for our current situation – the responsibility for that is squarely on my wife and I's shoulders (and as the leader, more on mine than hers). I do however stand by my statement that the church is failing miserably in the marriage department (and it's something that I hope to have a positive impact in some day).

You two are a blessing – I hope you realize that. I found you blog late one lonely night last summer, and have been reading it since. I look forward to seeing where God will take you and RefineUs.

I do not blame the church for our current situation – the responsibility for that is squarely on my wife and I's shoulders (and as the leader, more on mine than hers). I do however stand by my statement that the church is failing miserably in the marriage department (and it's something that I hope to have a positive impact in some day).

You two are a blessing – I hope you realize that. I found you blog late one lonely night last summer, and have been reading it since. I look forward to seeing where God will take you and RefineUs.

What's Destroying Your Marriage? | Refine Us: There is no intimacy, and I mean none. It comes up every once.. http://bit.ly/5NHTtb

If you haven't yet, I'd love your honest input on What's Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/4Gqi3C #fb

Jen…was there or is there a reason that you have trust issues and resentment issues? Have you talked about those issues with your husband? I am so glad you have been able to allow God to change you and your marriage. You are in our prayers!

Jen…was there or is there a reason that you have trust issues and resentment issues? Have you talked about those issues with your husband? I am so glad you have been able to allow God to change you and your marriage. You are in our prayers!

Jen,

I feel compelled to reply, b/c I can relate to your story and your husband's story. There are no "white lies", especially when it comes to marriage.

There must be accountability for him. If that means you watch everything he does on his computer AND phone you must do it. If he fights you on this then he is hiding something.

No matter how hard he "tries" or thinks "i can do this" …you can't do it on your own. You need God and accountability.

You don't want to end up where we did. This was just a stepping stone…

Jen,

I feel compelled to reply, b/c I can relate to your story and your husband's story. There are no "white lies", especially when it comes to marriage.

There must be accountability for him. If that means you watch everything he does on his computer AND phone you must do it. If he fights you on this then he is hiding something.

No matter how hard he "tries" or thinks "i can do this" …you can't do it on your own. You need God and accountability.

You don't want to end up where we did. This was just a stepping stone…

Selfishness destroyed mine. As well as marrying far too young. I would also say that God was not the center, which is imperative. I too strayed from my marriage, it caused paramount damage to not only her, but to myself as well. So many marriage are an "I'' instead of a "we" When the communication goes, that's when the devils workshop sets in. I have finally forgiven myself, as has she. We're no longer together, but I found redemption in His blood.

Selfishness destroyed mine. As well as marrying far too young. I would also say that God was not the center, which is imperative. I too strayed from my marriage, it caused paramount damage to not only her, but to myself as well. So many marriage are an "I'' instead of a "we" When the communication goes, that's when the devils workshop sets in. I have finally forgiven myself, as has she. We're no longer together, but I found redemption in His blood.

Fearfulness caused anger and trust issues of past relationships has caused a lot of issues in our marriage. We love each other dearly but but because of that fear, we feel like we are walking on eggshells all the time. We feel like we have to explain everything we do, Iwe say, and where we go to the other spouse just so it doesn't start an argument. Therefore, we don't communicate a lot of things because we are afraid of causing an argument. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. We have only been married for a short period of time, and we knew there were going to be adjustments but we argue a lot and we are already in counseling. When we argue it gets to the point that one of us is ready to just give up and move on with our lives. It seems hopeless at times. We just want to be happy………..

Fearfulness caused anger and trust issues of past relationships has caused a lot of issues in our marriage. We love each other dearly but but because of that fear, we feel like we are walking on eggshells all the time. We feel like we have to explain everything we do, Iwe say, and where we go to the other spouse just so it doesn't start an argument. Therefore, we don't communicate a lot of things because we are afraid of causing an argument. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. We have only been married for a short period of time, and we knew there were going to be adjustments but we argue a lot and we are already in counseling. When we argue it gets to the point that one of us is ready to just give up and move on with our lives. It seems hopeless at times. We just want to be happy………..

@bentwingedbird…thank you so much for just laying it out there and being vulnerable! To own all that you have owned shows that God is moving in your life an marriage! Thank for you for sharing!

@bentwingedbird…thank you so much for just laying it out there and being vulnerable! To own all that you have owned shows that God is moving in your life an marriage! Thank for you for sharing!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!

Fouramdesignes…thank you for sharing from your heart and from your mistakes. God is a God of second chances, even when we feel as though we don't deserve them. I am so thankful that you have found forgiveness and have begun healing!

Fouramdesignes…thank you for sharing from your heart and from your mistakes. God is a God of second chances, even when we feel as though we don't deserve them. I am so thankful that you have found forgiveness and have begun healing!

fearful…thank you so much for sharing….walking on egg shells in marriage is a miserable way to live…I wrote about that in this post http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy...

Talking about your fears and having some gut wrenching conversations up front will take away the fear in the moment of tension. Let me know if we can serve you in any way.

fearful…thank you so much for sharing….walking on egg shells in marriage is a miserable way to live…I wrote about that in this post http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy...

Talking about your fears and having some gut wrenching conversations up front will take away the fear in the moment of tension. Let me know if we can serve you in any way.

In general, to be honest, i don't feel we have "problems" in our marriage. We sometimes misunderstand each other. We want to have children, & it is becoming obvious to us that it won't happen. (Please do not write me to tell me all the things we could do – like "just adopt" or be foster parents. We have explored them. There are reasons it won't work for us.)

As far as the church helping? Ah, not much they can do. I do have fairly severe chronic illness & the church wants to be supportive, but that comes out in a weekly, "Are you better yet?" that is kind of discouraging. And one lady has taken me to task for "Not trusting God enough & praying the scripture promises." She rejects the idea that God may be calling me to live with this illness. She keeps telling me "God wants you to be healthy." When reminded that Paul carried a physical ailment & that i may be called to do the same, she rejects it, saying again, "God wants you to be healthy." I avoid her.

The problems we have in our marriage come more from outside, folks who can't understand this, that from our relationship.

In general, to be honest, i don't feel we have "problems" in our marriage. We sometimes misunderstand each other. We want to have children, & it is becoming obvious to us that it won't happen. (Please do not write me to tell me all the things we could do – like "just adopt" or be foster parents. We have explored them. There are reasons it won't work for us.)

As far as the church helping? Ah, not much they can do. I do have fairly severe chronic illness & the church wants to be supportive, but that comes out in a weekly, "Are you better yet?" that is kind of discouraging. And one lady has taken me to task for "Not trusting God enough & praying the scripture promises." She rejects the idea that God may be calling me to live with this illness. She keeps telling me "God wants you to be healthy." When reminded that Paul carried a physical ailment & that i may be called to do the same, she rejects it, saying again, "God wants you to be healthy." I avoid her.

The problems we have in our marriage come more from outside, folks who can't understand this, that from our relationship.

Regretful and I share a common past, He'll take it from you. You've just got to let go. Satan will try his hardest to hold you to your own guilt, YOUR OWN. God forgave the moment you uttered it from your heart. We are, our own worst enemy at times. Christ be with you brother, time to live a new life and move forward.

Regretful and I share a common past, He'll take it from you. You've just got to let go. Satan will try his hardest to hold you to your own guilt, YOUR OWN. God forgave the moment you uttered it from your heart. We are, our own worst enemy at times. Christ be with you brother, time to live a new life and move forward.

Still a daily struggle. I believe once you open your heart to such sin, Satan latches on to it, tries to flog you daily. But He has the shield to protect, the love, to let go and move forward.

Still a daily struggle. I believe once you open your heart to such sin, Satan latches on to it, tries to flog you daily. But He has the shield to protect, the love, to let go and move forward.

For us I think the biggest distraction to us in our marriage is when we haven’t been intentional about spending time together. When we get to the end of the week and realize we haven’t said more than a few words to each other everything else is affected: communication,sex, affection. We become selfish, hurried and withdrawn. We find that when we spend time together,intentionally connecting, so much else falls into place well.

For us I think the biggest distraction to us in our marriage is when we haven’t been intentional about spending time together. When we get to the end of the week and realize we haven’t said more than a few words to each other everything else is affected: communication,sex, affection. We become selfish, hurried and withdrawn. We find that when we spend time together,intentionally connecting, so much else falls into place well.

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage?

My wife and I are very close and committed. We'll celebrate 20 years of marriage this year. However, our problems with MONEY have been a constant stress all these years. We've lived paycheck-to-paycheck through some years where we could've socked away a BUNCH, but blew it. Now, the kids are bigger, the cars are older, the problems are bigger requiring solutions with more zeroes on the end of them. This MONEY problem has led to a LACK OF TRUST in our marriage. She doesn't trust me anymore… at least not much. it's going to take months, probably years, to earn it back. To be honest, we're hurting. Divorce is not an option. But how do we find the energy and hope to press into the problems every DAY? It's tough sledding every day.

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?
We have been GREATLY helped by "FamilyLife Today" and the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference from FamilyLife out of Little Rock, Arkansas. have we found hope? Yes, but not sustained through EVERYTHING. Hope leaks, I guess. Have we found ANSWERS? Yes, BUT APPLICATION is tough. KNOWING the right thing to do and DOING it are two different things. I long to be courageous enough to do the right thing at the right time. That includes doing the right thing in the heat of the an argument or crisis.

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage?

My wife and I are very close and committed. We'll celebrate 20 years of marriage this year. However, our problems with MONEY have been a constant stress all these years. We've lived paycheck-to-paycheck through some years where we could've socked away a BUNCH, but blew it. Now, the kids are bigger, the cars are older, the problems are bigger requiring solutions with more zeroes on the end of them. This MONEY problem has led to a LACK OF TRUST in our marriage. She doesn't trust me anymore… at least not much. it's going to take months, probably years, to earn it back. To be honest, we're hurting. Divorce is not an option. But how do we find the energy and hope to press into the problems every DAY? It's tough sledding every day.

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?
We have been GREATLY helped by "FamilyLife Today" and the Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference from FamilyLife out of Little Rock, Arkansas. have we found hope? Yes, but not sustained through EVERYTHING. Hope leaks, I guess. Have we found ANSWERS? Yes, BUT APPLICATION is tough. KNOWING the right thing to do and DOING it are two different things. I long to be courageous enough to do the right thing at the right time. That includes doing the right thing in the heat of the an argument or crisis.

#1…lack of trust. I learned 15 yrs ago that he was addicted to porn – two months after learning he had had an affair within the first four months of our marriage. Just a few weeks ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary…by GOD'S GRACE! However, he still does one continual thing that whether he is acting out or not, leads me to not trust him.

#2 Well, when my father-in-law tells my dear husband that no young man raised in a Christian home can have this addiction….the church hasn't failed but most Christians don't know what to do with it!

#1…lack of trust. I learned 15 yrs ago that he was addicted to porn – two months after learning he had had an affair within the first four months of our marriage. Just a few weeks ago, we celebrated our 21st anniversary…by GOD'S GRACE! However, he still does one continual thing that whether he is acting out or not, leads me to not trust him.

#2 Well, when my father-in-law tells my dear husband that no young man raised in a Christian home can have this addiction….the church hasn't failed but most Christians don't know what to do with it!

I'm not trying to stir up a hornet's nest but my dear hubs has been addicted to porn for more than 30 yrs…and we've been married for 21. At no time in our marriage were we closer to divorce than when I tried to 'hold him accountable' myself! I am not a control freak and I am not his Mom, nor his authority….can you tell what HIS issues are???
The thing that has kept our marriage, and me sane, is giving him over to God on a daily basis. I still stuggle with trust, as he continues to be selfish in one simple (at least to me!) area. I know that in the last year God has placed righteous, unperfect men in his life that will be there for him when he is ready to ask.
He has asked in the past, and our pastor was not equipped to deal with the issues, other than to continue to tell my sweetie that with his choices, he was choosing hell. Now, new church, new pastor, better friends. Hope and grace are my daily portion!

I'm not trying to stir up a hornet's nest but my dear hubs has been addicted to porn for more than 30 yrs…and we've been married for 21. At no time in our marriage were we closer to divorce than when I tried to 'hold him accountable' myself! I am not a control freak and I am not his Mom, nor his authority….can you tell what HIS issues are???
The thing that has kept our marriage, and me sane, is giving him over to God on a daily basis. I still stuggle with trust, as he continues to be selfish in one simple (at least to me!) area. I know that in the last year God has placed righteous, unperfect men in his life that will be there for him when he is ready to ask.
He has asked in the past, and our pastor was not equipped to deal with the issues, other than to continue to tell my sweetie that with his choices, he was choosing hell. Now, new church, new pastor, better friends. Hope and grace are my daily portion!

Brutally honest- MUST READ for any couple. RT @justindavis33 What’s Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/5GclUm

RT @pwilson: RT @justindavis33: Great discussion going on. What's Destroying Your Marriage? I'd love your thoughts! http://bit.ly/4Gqi3C

RT @shaversrazor: Brutally honest- MUST READ for any couple. RT @justindavis33 What’s Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/5GclUm

Dig into the 8 Things posts RT @shaversrazor: MUST READ for couples. RT @justindavis33 What’s Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/5GclUm

Hey married folk – Have you answered @justindavis33 & @trishdavis23 questions on marriage? http://bit.ly/4Dxplu

Sarah…great insight. So much of our marriage we spend co-existing rather than pursuing intimacy. Thanks so much for your openness and sharing your experience and journey!

Sarah…great insight. So much of our marriage we spend co-existing rather than pursuing intimacy. Thanks so much for your openness and sharing your experience and journey!

Chris…great thoughts. What you hit on is key…because most people say "We have money issues." But what you are realizing is you have a trust issue. So making more money isn't really going to fix the problem. Earning trust at this point is so much more important than earning money. If you earn trust, then the money problem will get better. If you earn money, but not trust, then nothing will get better. Thank you for your honesty, and putting something out there that so many of us struggle with! You are not alone my friend!

Chris…great thoughts. What you hit on is key…because most people say "We have money issues." But what you are realizing is you have a trust issue. So making more money isn't really going to fix the problem. Earning trust at this point is so much more important than earning money. If you earn trust, then the money problem will get better. If you earn money, but not trust, then nothing will get better. Thank you for your honesty, and putting something out there that so many of us struggle with! You are not alone my friend!

@anon…wow! You have been through so much and hung in there for so long. I hope that your husband's shares the same commitment to you now that you have to him. Let me know if we can serve you in any way!

@anon…wow! You have been through so much and hung in there for so long. I hope that your husband's shares the same commitment to you now that you have to him. Let me know if we can serve you in any way!

anon…what helped me in my struggle with pornography was going to counseling and going back to the place in my life where sexuality was first broken. For me, that was being sexually abused as a child. Once I had admitted that, come to terms with it and sought help for it, the desire and the grip of pornography was replaced by the desire for true intimacy with my wife. I am not saying I have a magic pill or I have a formula for a 30 year addiction…I am saying that the addiction is the manifestation of something that is broken…if he is willing to dig into that, the desire for pornography may be less. Not sure if that helps or hurts, but it is what I’ve experienced.

anon…what helped me in my struggle with pornography was going to counseling and going back to the place in my life where sexuality was first broken. For me, that was being sexually abused as a child. Once I had admitted that, come to terms with it and sought help for it, the desire and the grip of pornography was replaced by the desire for true intimacy with my wife. I am not saying I have a magic pill or I have a formula for a 30 year addiction…I am saying that the addiction is the manifestation of something that is broken…if he is willing to dig into that, the desire for pornography may be less. Not sure if that helps or hurts, but it is what I’ve experienced.

Kathryn….I don't feel like it is my place to write and tell you what you should or shouldn't do in the area of becoming a parent. I do know from having several friends that have struggled with that how it can weigh on each spouse and make the marriage tense. I am sorry that people in the church impose more problems on you than they help resolve.

Kathryn….I don't feel like it is my place to write and tell you what you should or shouldn't do in the area of becoming a parent. I do know from having several friends that have struggled with that how it can weigh on each spouse and make the marriage tense. I am sorry that people in the church impose more problems on you than they help resolve.

Praying for wisdom and grace as I try to respond to the people who have shared what's destroying their marriage http://bit.ly/4Gqi3C

Alcohol was an issue in my marriage for 6 years. I found a Celebrate Recovery group (Biblical recovery program) and it helped me tremendously.

Alcohol was an issue in my marriage for 6 years. I found a Celebrate Recovery group (Biblical recovery program) and it helped me tremendously.

In a word – me. Selfishness, anger, pride, shame. Sure, my wife isn't perfect and I feel that she shoulders some of the blame, but the bottom line to any relational problem with another person is a relational problem between myself and God. I know all the pat answers and solutions, but as one other commenter pointed out, KNOWING and DOING are two very different things. We've been married a long time, been to many marriage conferences and studied marriage several times in church, but what's getting in the head is missing the heart for both of us.

As far as the church, we haven't involved the church and aren't too inclined to do so. One thing I can point to is that the church hasn't traditionally done a great job in equipping men to be true men of God. The pastor of the church that I attend came to this conclusion over the last year and has made this a priority by working to build the men's ministry up. This is what's slowly opening my eyes and my heart to what changes need to occur IN me to make my marriage work.

I want to snap my fingers and make it all work, but I realize it's going to take a tremendous amount of time as well as trust in Jesus to effect the change that needs to be made. I also realize that in order for anything to change with her, my heart needs to change.

In a word – me. Selfishness, anger, pride, shame. Sure, my wife isn't perfect and I feel that she shoulders some of the blame, but the bottom line to any relational problem with another person is a relational problem between myself and God. I know all the pat answers and solutions, but as one other commenter pointed out, KNOWING and DOING are two very different things. We've been married a long time, been to many marriage conferences and studied marriage several times in church, but what's getting in the head is missing the heart for both of us.

As far as the church, we haven't involved the church and aren't too inclined to do so. One thing I can point to is that the church hasn't traditionally done a great job in equipping men to be true men of God. The pastor of the church that I attend came to this conclusion over the last year and has made this a priority by working to build the men's ministry up. This is what's slowly opening my eyes and my heart to what changes need to occur IN me to make my marriage work.

I want to snap my fingers and make it all work, but I realize it's going to take a tremendous amount of time as well as trust in Jesus to effect the change that needs to be made. I also realize that in order for anything to change with her, my heart needs to change.

Thanks. When i said, "Please don't write me . . . " i wasn't speaking to you specifically! There are some folks who seem to need to do this. I've also read comments at articles & blogs that are fairly caustic to folks who have said "Adoption is not for us."

God has sincerely blessed us in our marriage relationship.

Thanks. When i said, "Please don't write me . . . " i wasn't speaking to you specifically! There are some folks who seem to need to do this. I've also read comments at articles & blogs that are fairly caustic to folks who have said "Adoption is not for us."

God has sincerely blessed us in our marriage relationship.

From @justindavis33 What’s Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/4Gqi3C

RT @CFlemmingVisual: From @justindavis33 What’s Destroying Your Marriage? http://bit.ly/4Gqi3C

Communication, distrust, disrespect, finances. My marriage has been in a miserable state for the past few years. I have been very bitter and resentful. The final straw was my husbands confession of infidelity. Our marriage is over after 18 years and 5 kids.

I do not think the church was very helpful. We tried counseling through the church, but that didn't work, and there was no accountability. Further, a church leader actually told my husband NOT to tell me of the affair. What kind of marriage/intamacy can you expect when a spouse is hiding something of this signifigance from his spouse?

Communication, distrust, disrespect, finances. My marriage has been in a miserable state for the past few years. I have been very bitter and resentful. The final straw was my husbands confession of infidelity. Our marriage is over after 18 years and 5 kids.

I do not think the church was very helpful. We tried counseling through the church, but that didn't work, and there was no accountability. Further, a church leader actually told my husband NOT to tell me of the affair. What kind of marriage/intamacy can you expect when a spouse is hiding something of this signifigance from his spouse?

2) Churches have failed to stand up for the covenant of marriage. The church is marrying persons to their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc spouse. Where did God ever say you could marry someone else? Only after death of your spouse. I have been dissappointed by the lack of support that I was able to receive from local churches, when I was trying to save my marriage. Most only offered after divorce support groups. Never marriage intervention groups, or marriage support. Sure they have men's bible study, and women's bible study, but what about keeping a family together for bible study? Churches today are afraid of standing for what GOD says about marriage. It is never an option. No today we have a watered down faith, that wants to never step on toes. Instead the church will turn its head from this issue, and focus on tithing, and missions, yes lets save someone else while our church families are being broken as fast as Satan can get to them.

1) Putting your own wants and desires above all else. When your desire to seek your own pleasure and happiness becomes greater than your desire to please God, greater than your vow to your spouse, and greater than your love for your children, you will chose the wrong path everytime. Marriage is not about what we can get from someone else. Marriage is about becoming more holy not happy. But holyness does not have the immediate gratafication that pursueing your own happiness falsly promises.

1) Putting your own wants and desires above all else. When your desire to seek your own pleasure and happiness becomes greater than your desire to please God, greater than your vow to your spouse, and greater than your love for your children, you will chose the wrong path everytime. Marriage is not about what we can get from someone else. Marriage is about becoming more holy not happy. But holyness does not have the immediate gratafication that pursueing your own happiness falsly promises.

2) Churches have failed to stand up for the covenant of marriage. The church is marrying persons to their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc spouse. Where did God ever say you could marry someone else? Only after death of your spouse. I have been dissappointed by the lack of support that I was able to receive from local churches, when I was trying to save my marriage. Most only offered after divorce support groups. Never marriage intervention groups, or marriage support. Sure they have men's bible study, and women's bible study, but what about keeping a family together for bible study? Churches today are afraid of standing for what GOD says about marriage. It is never an option. No today we have a watered down faith, that wants to never step on toes. Instead the church will turn its head from this issue, and focus on tithing, and missions, yes lets save someone else while our church families are being broken as fast as Satan can get to them.

I meant to write ..It is never an option to divorce in God's plan for marriage….

I meant to write ..It is never an option to divorce in God's plan for marriage….