What’s Destroying Your Marriage?

I'd have to say it's finances. As for the church being effective in helping with that problem…eh…not so much. Sure, folks offer the Dave Ramsey program and that IS a good, helpful program but that doesn't really address the stress financial issues cause within the marriage as deeply as the problem runs.

One year ago my world came crashing down, God led me to your sight…perfect timing. I have followed since then, always reading and being encouraged and pointed in the right direction. Thank you. If no one else is ever touched, changed, or reached because of your blog please know that you have impacted me and my marriage.

I would say to question #1 if I'm being honest, there is no way there is just one thing. And I will just assume you are leaving out "Putting God First" because that should be a given. So i will say, Communication. The lack of that led to so many other problems.

To question #2. I have a real hard time "blaming" or "pointing fingers" at the church for the choices I have made. So please keep that in mind, but i would answer "no".

I will definitely say communication causes the most problems in my marriage. It's not just the lack of communication, but also the way we communicate with each other. Sometimes I surprise myself with the tone I take with my husband.

I don't know that I can honestly answer the second question because that would assume I've looked to the Chuch to help solve the problem. I don't think I've really done that. Instead, I've tried things on my own. Or if I'm completely honest, it's sometimes easier not to try.

Justin,

1. I would say that my biggest problem is in making good, quality time for each other. Between ministry, kids, and everything else, I've failed in this regard. She's been patient and understanding, but her ability to endure doesn't make it right. I really need to lay down some boundaries, as well as better use the time we do spend together.

2. Sadly, I say "No." From my vantage point, the reasons are too numerous to list.

1. I would say communication. There are a few elephants in the room, and it is easier to let life take over than confront the big issues. Thankfully, God has been working in our lives to open some of these doors. But, communication is key.

2. Nope. It seems like many of the 'churched' sit as if they do not have these problems. If they do, they do not really take the time to focus on them to a large degree. Therefore, many people act asd if the problems are okay to ignore, and act as if there are no problems.

1. communicating respect (or our lack of respect) and patience for each other.
2. i see programmed, structured things that can serve as quick fixes but they don't provide sustainable and deep growth. i have experienced the sustainable, deep growth with professional counseling/therapists (not at churches).

#1 – After 20 yrs. of marriage, I would say "Expectations" are the key. For instance, "What are the expectations we put on ourselves vs. the expectations we have of each other? How much of that did we bring into our marriage from our family of origin? How do we deal with it? Explore TOGETHER (and with a trusted and Godly therapist) God's expectation of us individually and as a couple.

#2 – In my experience The Church is all over the board in terms of it's view on therapy. It varies from community to community. Thankfully, my wife and I have a community that does it well.

I think the church needs to encourage more transparency on this issue. That is one reason I think you guys are such a credible resource on marriage. Your honesty in sharing where you've been and what you've dealt with gives people permission to share. Unfortunately, often times the church unintentionally (mostly) conveys this atmosphere of pretending we have it all together.

1. I feel the biggest problem in my marriage is respect, and it's not the lack thereof from my husband, but from his family. We have been together for 15 years and so many times, they still manage to treat me like an outsider and to further the angst and pain of it, my husband doesn't stand up for me or my honor. We joke and say it's because he has middle child syndrome and is afraid to stand up to his family, which is pretty bad since he is 40 yrs old. We try, or shall I say, I try to ignore a lot of the negative behavior from them or the lack of respect they give to me as a parent to their grandchildren, but it's not easy. Then we get into their poor relational treatment towards him as well. It's a slippery and spiral slope. I am still waiting and praying for the day that my husband stands up to his family's attitudes and declares that we (our marriage/life) are more important than they are. I know he would feel so free and liberated! That's when I rely heavily on #2….
2. Many times I get lessons, solace, re-establishment and reassurance from God, church and fellow Christian friends and family when it comes to learning how to deal with relational frustrations especially in a marriage.

1. I've been married a few years.We have a some issues but the biggest one is he wasn't always faithful to the covenant we maid. He never physically had an affair but emotionally has. And has also searched out for "others" to send pictures back and forth and have sexual conversations with. I always seem to find things and when confronted about he says he sorry but excuses it as though he drawn to the excitement of it. With dealing with the lack of trust with my husband there is now a lack of respect. I feel as though respect should be earned. He feels as though no matter what he does good or bad he deserves respect because he is the "man of the house". But I feel as though he doesn't respect me enough to not search out others for sexual pleasures then why should I respect him. Which is not biblical Love but it's hard to not feel this way. Because there is a lack of trust and respect I don't want to be sexually close to him. In which he now feel rejected by me but it's kind of hard to "get in the mood" when you don't know if he want you or just a need met.

2. No I don't feel as though the church is a place of help. I know Jesus is. And I continually go into pray about this subject. And above all he has healed parts of my heart. But the issue is still there because my husband has not searched out help to fix this. There is not anyone who sill stand as though they have has these problems and talk frank about them. If you have a perfect marriage the church is a good place to maintain it.

I've been thinking alot about how my marriage was in the beginning. So happy to see each other. All those *little things* didn't bother us. We would cuddle up and watch a movie, hold hands.

Now…nothing.

How do we get back to that *butterfly feeling* again. And being happy.

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage?
Honestly, I would have to say that our biggest source of disagreement and friction in our marriage comes from parenting-related issues. For some reason cranky kids can bring out the worst in us. Probably the second biggest area of struggle is finances for us.

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?
I can't speak for all churches – I know there are some great churches who help by offering parenting classes and such. Sometimes it's just being able to be around people in a small group setting to help you realize you're not the only one struggling with these issues.

So many people are listing "communication" but I think it really comes down to "connection" and appreciation. If you feel connected [and appreciated] by your spouse, communication is almost a no-brainer.

The biggest stress for us right now is parenting. We have very different styles/approaches & it can be insanely frustrating. [our kids are now teens, so this isn't exactly a new thing] Even though we do our best to show a united front, it can get dicey in the moment.

As for the church.. as an organization it's done more harm than good. God, on the other hand, is the only thing that saved our relationship.

1. The one issue that creates the most problems in my marriage is finances. I was expected to "run" the finances for the first 10 years of marriage, and with having numerous military moves, adding 6 children, buying cars, and using credit cards (both of us) too much, our finances were a problem. My husband decided to "take charge" at that point, has now almost completely excluded me from the decisions, and we are in a worse position now than before.

1 contd – Probably second by a narrow margin in our marriage is issues with my husband's family. I am the black sheep in-law, excluded and ignored usually but when there is any attention given it is to make fun of me, my kids, or to ensure that I know that I am not good enough for their brother/son. Then there is the MIL who has always tried to interfere. Everyone calls my husband on a regular basis, but ignores/excludes myself and the kids. When I try to say that something should be done about it to my husband, I am told that he "doesn't want the stress in his life that he grew up with between his mother and his father's family". I don't either, just resolution. My husband prefers to sweep it under the rug and pretend that it doesn't exist. Meanwhile our kids would probably walk right by their grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins on the street if they ever saw them and not even know who they are.

2. My church does not help in any way to resolve the problems here. If I ask a pastor about ideas, I am told that I need to make an appointment with the licensed counselor available through the church. I want a solution, real, Biblical, and relevant. I tried their counselor, by the way, and going by yourself to a counselor doesn't solve the problem. It appears that at my church, the pastoral staff doesn't want to really come down from their lofty existance and get involved on a personal level. Disappointing.

The church has not been helpful in the area of spiritually mismatched couples. When you are a Christ follower and your spouse is not, or one spouse is far more spiritually mature, this causes unique marital conflict for which very few sermons and/or books can be found. Usually, it is a wife who is far more spiritually hungry than her husband who is in great pain because she no longer wants to be the spiritual leader but her husband is unwilling or unable to lead.

I think it's strange but the biggest source of "arrangements" in our house is about food, or the lack there of. I tend to go on the defense which turns into I'm a failure as a wife.

After being married for 17 years I can honestly say we have struggled with nearly everything on the list above. Giving our marriage over to Christ is the only reason we made it past year 10.

Currently our marriage is in a pretty good place. The issue we are struggling most with is finding quality time for one another and also just investing into conversations with each other that are above and beyond the utilities of getting through our day.

There are allot of hurting marriages out there we used to have one sometimes I do feel the Church could do more especially for new believers. Having been in one myself we had no idea what to do where to go or how to handle any of it. Even though we were at a church during this time it was the couple of Christians in Gerald's everyday life (his workplace) that got us on the path without judging. Sometimes I actually think about the fact the church missed us somehow and maybe that was partially our fault not sure , but luckily God did not miss us . I've learned one thing for sure God always has a back up plan !

Justin…I am so grateful to see you focused on the restoration of marriages. You can truly speak with authority on this issue because of the brokeness that you have walked through. The comments generated from this post are incredible and it makes me want to really wake up and pay attention to the many weaknesses that our family continually works through. Thanks for leading in such a powerful way around here!!

Blake

My marriage is being destroyed by the selfishness exhibited by both parties. In him by his refusal to address his unhealthy anger bursts and apathy towards me and my feelings. The emotional abuse is worse than the anger, my health problems magnify this. I then retreat into pornography and illicit phone calls with random men. I want out, I want help, I've been seeing a counselor and he's meeting with a pastor, but so far I am discouraged and tired of trying. I pray sometimes that God would take my life.

I think it is unfair to think the church can be everything to everyone. I think we have to take responsibility for our own lives. If we need help it is our responsibility to seek it whether it is through the church or a professional counselor. Realizing and being willing to admit we need the help can be hard. Putting pride away and stepping out and asking for help can be even harder. I am glad I go to a church like Crosspoint where they are not afraid to face tough issues openly and honestly on both public and private level.

To Anonymous, Tell Satan to get behind you. he is trying to get you and his grip is strong. he will just keep digging and digging at you. he is digging at the root of your very being. Tell Satan to go and then run (fast) to the Lord!

Praying for you!!!

Take care,
Amy

1. PRIDE!! That is the single most destructive thing in our marriage. And pride is such a 'sneaky' little destroyer! There is not a giant, catastrophic event that has come crashing in on us, but PRIDE has crept in and repeatedly done damage to our marriage! We find ourselves to be too proud to say "I'm sorry", too proud to "give in" and let the other have preference in decision making, and too proud to be the one that "cares more". PRIDE is more harmful than we even realize. Christ was humble and selfless and I pray that our marriage can take on those characteristics.

2. In a word, NO. Pride is often in the driver's seat in churches, too, so it is difficult to find a ministry source that is real enough to address the core issues of failing marriages. THAT'S WHY I COME TO THIS BLOG!! You are real and honest and, as mentioned in an earlier comment, credible. Thanks!!