January 13, 2010 in Uncategorized with 250 Comments

What’s Destroying Your Marriage?

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**Based on the response to this post we are keeping it posted as today’s post as well. Please feel free to join the discussion!**

One year ago, Trisha and I launched a series of posts entitled 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage. The response to the series has been incredible. What we have realized over the past year is that we as people and we in the Church are really good at discussing symptoms of our problems so we can avoid the problems themselves. The truth is the affair that I had in 2005 was a symptom of much bigger problems that nearly destroyed our marriage.

As we start 2010, our prayer is that God uses RefineUs to restore even more marriages, but we need your help. We’d like to hear from you so we can be even more effective in providing a place that God uses to bring people back to Him and each other. We’d like you to answer two questions and you can answer COMPLETELY ANONYMOUSLY! If you don’t want to use your real name, just make one up and answer these two questions. (no email address is required)

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage? (Communication, lust, finances, lack of trust, pornography, resentment, unforgivness, etc…)

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?

If you are NOT married, please feel free to answer based on what you see in the marriages you observe and what you have experienced through the Church.

Our goal with these questions is to provide a place where people, no matter where they are in their relationship with God, no matter where they are in their marital status can find hope, healing and a fresh perspective on God’s redemptive power. Please be brutally honest as you help us create even more of that community in 2010.

About Justin and Trisha:

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Praying4Change

1. PRIDE!! That is the single most destructive thing in our marriage. And pride is such a 'sneaky' little destroyer! There is not a giant, catastrophic event that has come crashing in on us, but PRIDE has crept in and repeatedly done damage to our marriage! We find ourselves to be too proud to say "I'm sorry", too proud to "give in" and let the other have preference in decision making, and too proud to be the one that "cares more". PRIDE is more harmful than we even realize. Christ was humble and selfless and I pray that our marriage can take on those characteristics.

2. In a word, NO. Pride is often in the driver's seat in churches, too, so it is difficult to find a ministry source that is real enough to address the core issues of failing marriages. THAT'S WHY I COME TO THIS BLOG!! You are real and honest and, as mentioned in an earlier comment, credible. Thanks!!

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Lamentations 3 is a passage of scripture I read often…it is basically a prayer describing God crushing the writer. I heard Chuck Swindall give a talk earlier this year where he simply said "Leave room for the crushing." When I don't care who gets the credit and I'm more concerned about being healthy than being right, pride gets defeated!

cassie eldridge

We have had a lot of issues, big and small, but most of them stemmed from a lack of communication. We didn’t discuss the little things which led to much bigger problems for us. At our lowest point we lived in a place where we didn’t belong to a church, but we attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference. That weekend saved our marriage. We try to go every year because it’s good to be reminded of how important even the little things are. We still aren’t great at communicating, but at least we recognize it now and are working on it.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Family Life Weekend to Remember have been marriage savers for a lot of people we know. If anyone is interested you can find more about them here:

http://www.shopfamilylife.com/familylife-resource…

cassie eldridge

We have had a lot of issues, big and small, but most of them stemmed from a lack of communication. We didn’t discuss the little things which led to much bigger problems for us. At our lowest point we lived in a place where we didn’t belong to a church, but we attended a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember conference. That weekend saved our marriage. We try to go every year because it’s good to be reminded of how important even the little things are. We still aren’t great at communicating, but at least we recognize it now and are working on it.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Family Life Weekend to Remember have been marriage savers for a lot of people we know. If anyone is interested you can find more about them here:

http://www.shopfamilylife.com/familylife-resource…

http://intensedebate.com/people/Randommusings Helen

1) Communication. I sometimes expect my husband to read my mind. It is frustrating for him. I constantly have to talk myself out of "If he loved me, he'd know me well enough to know….
2) I think the Church offers plenty of opportunity to help couples work on communication skills.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Unspoken expectations are unmet expectations! Great thoughts Helen!

http://intensedebate.com/people/Randommusings Helen

1) Communication. I sometimes expect my husband to read my mind. It is frustrating for him. I constantly have to talk myself out of "If he loved me, he'd know me well enough to know….
2) I think the Church offers plenty of opportunity to help couples work on communication skills.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Unspoken expectations are unmet expectations! Great thoughts Helen!

guest

How do you state whats wrong without more space… our biggest issue now, after 20 years, is that we just don't know each other any more. We have lived such different lives since I began to follow Christ. From the beginning we had issues, typical ones. Then finances, then communication. You know, typical. Then things started to get better, but now, well, I don't even know how to speak to my spouse about anything deeper then the surface stuff, you know, how was your day, stuff in the news. There is no intimacy, and I mean none. It comes up every once in awhile, but never more then a comment. We don't go out, we don't have dinner together, we don't, well, we just don't. Is there one thing that caused it? No. Just years, and differences. I'm not placing blame, it takes two to make a marriage work. But, i've tried more. My fear is even if my spouse begins to run after Christ, we still won't have a marriage… My spouse won't talk to anyone, won't go to a marriage conference, nothing. Used to read the bible, but lately that isn't very often. I hold on to God's plan, that God desires' more from us, that He has plans beyond my wildest imagination and wants my marriage. I know God hates divorce and so do I. I am grateful we have not divorced yet sometimes I wonder if I should have left. Anyway, there it is, in a nutshell…

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

I want to recommend this book to you…it won't "fix" anything, but it will give you hope if you engage with it. http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-…

You may never be able to change your husband, but God still longs to change you…and He can and will do that as you pray. It seems cheesy at first, but I promise you it works!

guest

I have the book. And I truly believe praying for our spouses is very critical. I am not giving up. And, I don't believe I can change my spouse, that is not my job I ask God to change me. It's just, there are days I feel so alone. Our kids have been affected too, of course, and I feel as though at times I have raised them on my own. I try not to focus on what is wrong but instead remember that we are still married, that divorce is NOT an answer (no one wins) and that he still works & provides for the family and so much more. I encourage people to stand for their marriage, that it really is worth the fight. I tell others to look to the Lord for their strength and to continue to pursue their own relationship with Christ. I have come to understand that it really isn't about our marriage anyway, its about our relationship with Christ and that as we pursue Him, we change and desire that others will know Him. And in that, we see the need to pray for others, including our spouse. and I continuously ask God to show me how to be a better example of Christ to my spouse and to those around me. Wow, I'm preaching, sorry. I pray God continues to strengthen your marriage and that He continues to use you to help others see their need for Christ and their need to do whatever it takes to stay married.

guest

How do you state whats wrong without more space… our biggest issue now, after 20 years, is that we just don't know each other any more. We have lived such different lives since I began to follow Christ. From the beginning we had issues, typical ones. Then finances, then communication. You know, typical. Then things started to get better, but now, well, I don't even know how to speak to my spouse about anything deeper then the surface stuff, you know, how was your day, stuff in the news. There is no intimacy, and I mean none. It comes up every once in awhile, but never more then a comment. We don't go out, we don't have dinner together, we don't, well, we just don't. Is there one thing that caused it? No. Just years, and differences. I'm not placing blame, it takes two to make a marriage work. But, i've tried more. My fear is even if my spouse begins to run after Christ, we still won't have a marriage… My spouse won't talk to anyone, won't go to a marriage conference, nothing. Used to read the bible, but lately that isn't very often. I hold on to God's plan, that God desires' more from us, that He has plans beyond my wildest imagination and wants my marriage. I know God hates divorce and so do I. I am grateful we have not divorced yet sometimes I wonder if I should have left. Anyway, there it is, in a nutshell…

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

I want to recommend this book to you…it won't "fix" anything, but it will give you hope if you engage with it. http://www.amazon.com/Power-Praying-Wife-Stormie-…

You may never be able to change your husband, but God still longs to change you…and He can and will do that as you pray. It seems cheesy at first, but I promise you it works!

guest

I have the book. And I truly believe praying for our spouses is very critical. I am not giving up. And, I don't believe I can change my spouse, that is not my job I ask God to change me. It's just, there are days I feel so alone. Our kids have been affected too, of course, and I feel as though at times I have raised them on my own. I try not to focus on what is wrong but instead remember that we are still married, that divorce is NOT an answer (no one wins) and that he still works & provides for the family and so much more. I encourage people to stand for their marriage, that it really is worth the fight. I tell others to look to the Lord for their strength and to continue to pursue their own relationship with Christ. I have come to understand that it really isn't about our marriage anyway, its about our relationship with Christ and that as we pursue Him, we change and desire that others will know Him. And in that, we see the need to pray for others, including our spouse. and I continuously ask God to show me how to be a better example of Christ to my spouse and to those around me. Wow, I'm preaching, sorry. I pray God continues to strengthen your marriage and that He continues to use you to help others see their need for Christ and their need to do whatever it takes to stay married.

http://intensedebate.com/people/tlovvorn Traylor Lovvorn

Great questions, Justin, and great discussion.

This past Monday would have been my 18th wedding anniversary with my wife Melody. I wrote about it here. Because of issues that I brought to the marriage, we divorced in 2002, but were reconciled and re-married in October of 2008.

As I look back over our 11 years of marriage before the divorce and see how we relate to each other now, I have to say that cowardice, or a lack of courage, was one of the major factors from a negative perspective.

I was the poster boy for the Christian Nice Guy syndrome and felt that righteous living was avoiding conflict at all costs. As a result of this, I lived to make Melody happy and would carefully avoid situations where there could possibly be a misunderstanding. Pornography is the ultimate symptom of cowardice because with it we can "get the goods" without having to work for it or give anything of yourself. There is absolutely no risk of rejection.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Traylor! Powerful story! God's redemption is amazing! Thank you for sharing it with us! We have a lot in common, that is for sure!

http://intensedebate.com/people/tlovvorn Traylor Lovvorn

Great questions, Justin, and great discussion.

This past Monday would have been my 18th wedding anniversary with my wife Melody. I wrote about it here. Because of issues that I brought to the marriage, we divorced in 2002, but were reconciled and re-married in October of 2008.

As I look back over our 11 years of marriage before the divorce and see how we relate to each other now, I have to say that cowardice, or a lack of courage, was one of the major factors from a negative perspective.

I was the poster boy for the Christian Nice Guy syndrome and felt that righteous living was avoiding conflict at all costs. As a result of this, I lived to make Melody happy and would carefully avoid situations where there could possibly be a misunderstanding. Pornography is the ultimate symptom of cowardice because with it we can "get the goods" without having to work for it or give anything of yourself. There is absolutely no risk of rejection.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Traylor! Powerful story! God's redemption is amazing! Thank you for sharing it with us! We have a lot in common, that is for sure!

http://intensedebate.com/people/tlovvorn Traylor Lovvorn

Unfortunately we spend so much time and energy focused on our behavior and fail to see cowardice on the same plane as murder, idolatry, and sexual immorality (Rev 21:8). We are often taught by the church to sanctify mildness rather than be the assertive men and women that God has called us to be.
http://intensedebate.com/people/tlovvorn Traylor Lovvorn

Unfortunately we spend so much time and energy focused on our behavior and fail to see cowardice on the same plane as murder, idolatry, and sexual immorality (Rev 21:8). We are often taught by the church to sanctify mildness rather than be the assertive men and women that God has called us to be.
This_one

1) Alcohol – it turns more "date nights" into arguments and fights.

2) Unsure if The Church helps much here. Might be one of those topics too difficult to handle.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thank you for sharing!
http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

Alcohol was an issue in my marriage for 6 years. I found a Celebrate Recovery group (Biblical recovery program) and it helped me tremendously.

This_one

1) Alcohol – it turns more "date nights" into arguments and fights.

2) Unsure if The Church helps much here. Might be one of those topics too difficult to handle.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Thank you for sharing!
http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

Alcohol was an issue in my marriage for 6 years. I found a Celebrate Recovery group (Biblical recovery program) and it helped me tremendously.

Lael

Unforgiveness. I examine my marriage and believe unforgiveness is the root. There are many things such as lack of communication, finances, resentment but they all stem from the inability to lay the hurts of the past to rest and truly forgive. Since there are forgiveness issues I believe it hinders our ability to be open and honest with each other. I also feel that we try to move around the root problem and ignore it so the conflict happens outside of that issue and creates a separate issue all together.

I think the church is failing many people, not just the married couples, the single, the widowed,the divorced. We make problems in our life seem like sin instead of hardships and trials, which they are.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Lael…thank you for sharing. Sometimes examining our life/marriage is the hardest thing to do because there is a good chance we won't like what we find. Trisha wrote a post on her struggle with this, you can find it here:

http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy…

Lael

Unforgiveness. I examine my marriage and believe unforgiveness is the root. There are many things such as lack of communication, finances, resentment but they all stem from the inability to lay the hurts of the past to rest and truly forgive. Since there are forgiveness issues I believe it hinders our ability to be open and honest with each other. I also feel that we try to move around the root problem and ignore it so the conflict happens outside of that issue and creates a separate issue all together.

I think the church is failing many people, not just the married couples, the single, the widowed,the divorced. We make problems in our life seem like sin instead of hardships and trials, which they are.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Lael…thank you for sharing. Sometimes examining our life/marriage is the hardest thing to do because there is a good chance we won't like what we find. Trisha wrote a post on her struggle with this, you can find it here:

http://refineus.org/2009/02/8-things-that-destroy…

guest

I meant to say that as for the question about the church helping, in the past, no, people actually told me to divorce. Now people say they "watch" me and think about what God is doing through me, that I can stay positive during this time. But directly, how does anyone help when 1 person doesn't think they need help. The church in general, and by "the church" i mean global believers, I don't think they know how to help. We've strayed from turning to God so much that there are many of us trying to get back to the way God intended it to be, but we just aren't quite sure how to do it. The conferences are great, but many can be too expensive. Not only that, but what about the rest of the year? anyway, that's just my answer…
guest

I meant to say that as for the question about the church helping, in the past, no, people actually told me to divorce. Now people say they "watch" me and think about what God is doing through me, that I can stay positive during this time. But directly, how does anyone help when 1 person doesn't think they need help. The church in general, and by "the church" i mean global believers, I don't think they know how to help. We've strayed from turning to God so much that there are many of us trying to get back to the way God intended it to be, but we just aren't quite sure how to do it. The conferences are great, but many can be too expensive. Not only that, but what about the rest of the year? anyway, that's just my answer…
unforgiven

1) The lies and cheating over the years, and my inability to forgive him for that. Now we add finances, lack of medical insurance, and my constant bitterness to the mix and the last 2 years have been the worst of my life.

2) I can't remember last time I stepped in a church. I have a personal relationship with God, and have the backing of good friends who keep me on the right path. Do I think actually "attending" a church would help?? I don't know right now- I honesty don't. And I used to go EVERY single Sunday for years.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

unforgiven…I am so sorry for the past two years. I know what you have gone through is hell. Please know I am praying for you, my wife Trisha is praying for you, and this community is a testimony of how God can take marriages that are virtually dead, and bring them back to life!

unforgiven

1) The lies and cheating over the years, and my inability to forgive him for that. Now we add finances, lack of medical insurance, and my constant bitterness to the mix and the last 2 years have been the worst of my life.

2) I can't remember last time I stepped in a church. I have a personal relationship with God, and have the backing of good friends who keep me on the right path. Do I think actually "attending" a church would help?? I don't know right now- I honesty don't. And I used to go EVERY single Sunday for years.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

unforgiven…I am so sorry for the past two years. I know what you have gone through is hell. Please know I am praying for you, my wife Trisha is praying for you, and this community is a testimony of how God can take marriages that are virtually dead, and bring them back to life!

http://intensedebate.com/people/rosacola rosacola

We all have a deep need to be loved. Simply saying a prayer to receive Jesus is not the end all to fill that void. Even as Christians we still take that need to everything and everyone but God…our wives, husbands, family, careers, sports, porn, facebook, church activity…the list goes on.

The only One who can fill that need is God. The "Good News" is that God desires a relationship with us, intimate, daily, every moment. Who do you think put the need to be loved in our hearts? Also, it is more then the 5-15 minute devotional you do every (few) day(s)!

The things listed in the question and the things shared in the comments are still 'symptoms' of taking our heart to everything but God.

The 'church' cannot address this until they do away with the religion, rules, and 'christian duty'. There is more concern about appearances and accountability then the Heart, God's love for us, His desire to have a relationship with us.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Rosacola! Thank you for sharing.

http://intensedebate.com/people/rosacola rosacola

We all have a deep need to be loved. Simply saying a prayer to receive Jesus is not the end all to fill that void. Even as Christians we still take that need to everything and everyone but God…our wives, husbands, family, careers, sports, porn, facebook, church activity…the list goes on.

The only One who can fill that need is God. The "Good News" is that God desires a relationship with us, intimate, daily, every moment. Who do you think put the need to be loved in our hearts? Also, it is more then the 5-15 minute devotional you do every (few) day(s)!

The things listed in the question and the things shared in the comments are still 'symptoms' of taking our heart to everything but God.

The 'church' cannot address this until they do away with the religion, rules, and 'christian duty'. There is more concern about appearances and accountability then the Heart, God's love for us, His desire to have a relationship with us.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Great thoughts Rosacola! Thank you for sharing.

n/a

1. infertility
2. no
n/a

1. infertility
2. no
http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

even though I don't know who you are, God does, and I am praying for you and your marriage!
http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

even though I don't know who you are, God does, and I am praying for you and your marriage!
Pam

We were married for 25 years before our marriage ended in divorce. From the beginning we fought about sex(lack of from me), never about money and seldom about kids. I think there was a lack of emotional intimacy which is probably a communication problem. I want to tell you all not once through all these years did I ever think about my marriage vows or the covenant I made before God. Why? I don't know. I was so caught up in my fantasy that I married the wrong person, that someone else could make me happy. I want to tell all you married folks to wake up! Get up everyday and die to self, put yourself aside. Cherish and adore the person you married!
As far as the church goes, my husband taught a marriage covenant class and I sat right there in it. I must have had ear plugs in. I'm hear to say that you can sit in a church every week and not hear what is being said. Its about a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that really makes the difference.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Pam…Wow! Thank you for your honesty, your words of wisdom and allowing your brokenness to be used for God's ultimate good in the lives of others.

Pam

We were married for 25 years before our marriage ended in divorce. From the beginning we fought about sex(lack of from me), never about money and seldom about kids. I think there was a lack of emotional intimacy which is probably a communication problem. I want to tell you all not once through all these years did I ever think about my marriage vows or the covenant I made before God. Why? I don't know. I was so caught up in my fantasy that I married the wrong person, that someone else could make me happy. I want to tell all you married folks to wake up! Get up everyday and die to self, put yourself aside. Cherish and adore the person you married!
As far as the church goes, my husband taught a marriage covenant class and I sat right there in it. I must have had ear plugs in. I'm hear to say that you can sit in a church every week and not hear what is being said. Its about a intimate relationship with Jesus Christ that really makes the difference.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Pam…Wow! Thank you for your honesty, your words of wisdom and allowing your brokenness to be used for God's ultimate good in the lives of others.

Newlywed

My wife and I have both been married before and are newly married. I think the thing we are struggling with the most is the "baggage" that we carry with us from previous relationships. When you are part of a broken relationship and come to a new one it is amazing how much you carry. Guilt, mistrust, being set in old ways, old ways of communicating that weren't successful then and aren't now. Children from previous marriages and the guilt that can come from being the parent that left. It is such a reality that no matter what all marriages face some issue, some test, and the ever constant – change. It is almost reassuring to read a page like this and understand that we aren't the only ones facing challenges and that we can overcome. I have faith in God and faith that He will honor us if we put Him first not only in our individual lives but in our marriage as well.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Newlywed, thank you for sharing your heart. Baggage is only baggage if you continue to carry it. My greatest encouragement to you would be to talk about everything you are feeling…get it out in the open and off of your heart and mind. Don't allow any of that baggage to come between you and your wife. When all of the hurt and brokenness and mistrust and guilt is out, it will not have any power over you anymore. I am thankful that you shared what you did, because I am sure there are people reading your comment that are struggling with the same thing!

Newlywed

My wife and I have both been married before and are newly married. I think the thing we are struggling with the most is the "baggage" that we carry with us from previous relationships. When you are part of a broken relationship and come to a new one it is amazing how much you carry. Guilt, mistrust, being set in old ways, old ways of communicating that weren't successful then and aren't now. Children from previous marriages and the guilt that can come from being the parent that left. It is such a reality that no matter what all marriages face some issue, some test, and the ever constant – change. It is almost reassuring to read a page like this and understand that we aren't the only ones facing challenges and that we can overcome. I have faith in God and faith that He will honor us if we put Him first not only in our individual lives but in our marriage as well.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Newlywed, thank you for sharing your heart. Baggage is only baggage if you continue to carry it. My greatest encouragement to you would be to talk about everything you are feeling…get it out in the open and off of your heart and mind. Don't allow any of that baggage to come between you and your wife. When all of the hurt and brokenness and mistrust and guilt is out, it will not have any power over you anymore. I am thankful that you shared what you did, because I am sure there are people reading your comment that are struggling with the same thing!

Regretful

1) Temptation. Giving into that temptation. Then not allowing myself to be forgiven by anyone, not even my wife, is what led to the destruction of my marriage. In the course of 2 1/2 years, I lost my father to cancer, who was my beacon of hope and my rock, slipped into a depression that I didn't even know that I had until it was too late. I got married, spent 2 months on a futon couch riddled with severe panic attacks. I was agoraphobic. I couldn't leave the house, or even that room with out having another attack. My wife, stayed by my side through it all. And yet, while I couldn't pinpoint the problem, or figure out exactly why I was so outside of myself with depression, I laid the blame on her. After all, I might have been depressed before the marriage, but it didn't manifest itself till after the wedding day. I was oh so terribly wrong. I thought I had pulled myself through it. I started running. I lost weight. And began searching for happiness elsewhere. Some sort of thrill, and that's when I snapped. I allowed myself to be tempted by another woman, and I pursued that temptation to the point of no return. Then I completely lost myself. The guilt that I felt was so overwhelming, all I could do was run. So I did, but I didn't run alone…instead I ran with the only person that knew what I had done, the only person that promised me to be there no matter what…I ran to the other woman.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I swear to this day, I had lived as good of a Christian life as anyone could have possibly lived. But somewhere along the way, I completely snapped. I lost all identity. All of my upbringing…and I completely, single handedly destroyed the hearts of people that truly loved me and wanted to help me. But I didn't let them. Not even my own wife who wanted to work things out…I couldn't do it. I was so ashamed. Temptation was just a symptom of a much larger problem, but it’s what led me to our demise. I'm still fighting with my past regrets every single day. It's a quiet war and the battles within really have taken a tole. I've been forgiven by my now ex-wife, but we have no contact whatsoever. And that's only fair to her. Even while typing this I'm fighting back a flood of tears at the thought of who I hurt along the way. Sorry for this short novel, but I guess I needed to share this story with others who may be fighting with temptation of some sort. Do not rely on your own strength. You may think you have it, but don’t fool yourself…you don’t. Never be ashamed to let others know the struggles you’re having. Communicate with your spouse. Share everything. Cling to every moment, good or bad, and for God’s sake, when you run, run to her. When you cry, cry on her shoulder. When you pray, put her at the top of your list. Cherish your wife. Love her with all of your heart, and thank God every step of the way.

2) I had stopped going to church all together at that point. I had never found “my place”. But the church I attend now has been the single best thing that’s happened in my life over the last 3 years. I finally know I’m forgiven. For me, that’s some serious progress☺ God bless you guys. Thank you for sharing your story to those of us that have struggled along the way. Your impact on my life is just a tip of the iceberg for the work you’ve done and will continue to do.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Regretful…God can redeem anything. I know you will always wish that the past played out different, but I know that God has a future and a plan in store for you that you can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing from your heart tonight!
http://intensedebate.com/people/fouramdesigns fouramdesigns

Regretful and I share a common past, He'll take it from you. You've just got to let go. Satan will try his hardest to hold you to your own guilt, YOUR OWN. God forgave the moment you uttered it from your heart. We are, our own worst enemy at times. Christ be with you brother, time to live a new life and move forward.

Regretful

1) Temptation. Giving into that temptation. Then not allowing myself to be forgiven by anyone, not even my wife, is what led to the destruction of my marriage. In the course of 2 1/2 years, I lost my father to cancer, who was my beacon of hope and my rock, slipped into a depression that I didn't even know that I had until it was too late. I got married, spent 2 months on a futon couch riddled with severe panic attacks. I was agoraphobic. I couldn't leave the house, or even that room with out having another attack. My wife, stayed by my side through it all. And yet, while I couldn't pinpoint the problem, or figure out exactly why I was so outside of myself with depression, I laid the blame on her. After all, I might have been depressed before the marriage, but it didn't manifest itself till after the wedding day. I was oh so terribly wrong. I thought I had pulled myself through it. I started running. I lost weight. And began searching for happiness elsewhere. Some sort of thrill, and that's when I snapped. I allowed myself to be tempted by another woman, and I pursued that temptation to the point of no return. Then I completely lost myself. The guilt that I felt was so overwhelming, all I could do was run. So I did, but I didn't run alone…instead I ran with the only person that knew what I had done, the only person that promised me to be there no matter what…I ran to the other woman.
I take full responsibility for what I did. I swear to this day, I had lived as good of a Christian life as anyone could have possibly lived. But somewhere along the way, I completely snapped. I lost all identity. All of my upbringing…and I completely, single handedly destroyed the hearts of people that truly loved me and wanted to help me. But I didn't let them. Not even my own wife who wanted to work things out…I couldn't do it. I was so ashamed. Temptation was just a symptom of a much larger problem, but it’s what led me to our demise. I'm still fighting with my past regrets every single day. It's a quiet war and the battles within really have taken a tole. I've been forgiven by my now ex-wife, but we have no contact whatsoever. And that's only fair to her. Even while typing this I'm fighting back a flood of tears at the thought of who I hurt along the way. Sorry for this short novel, but I guess I needed to share this story with others who may be fighting with temptation of some sort. Do not rely on your own strength. You may think you have it, but don’t fool yourself…you don’t. Never be ashamed to let others know the struggles you’re having. Communicate with your spouse. Share everything. Cling to every moment, good or bad, and for God’s sake, when you run, run to her. When you cry, cry on her shoulder. When you pray, put her at the top of your list. Cherish your wife. Love her with all of your heart, and thank God every step of the way.

2) I had stopped going to church all together at that point. I had never found “my place”. But the church I attend now has been the single best thing that’s happened in my life over the last 3 years. I finally know I’m forgiven. For me, that’s some serious progress☺ God bless you guys. Thank you for sharing your story to those of us that have struggled along the way. Your impact on my life is just a tip of the iceberg for the work you’ve done and will continue to do.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Regretful…God can redeem anything. I know you will always wish that the past played out different, but I know that God has a future and a plan in store for you that you can't even imagine. Thank you for sharing from your heart tonight!
http://intensedebate.com/people/fouramdesigns fouramdesigns

Regretful and I share a common past, He'll take it from you. You've just got to let go. Satan will try his hardest to hold you to your own guilt, YOUR OWN. God forgave the moment you uttered it from your heart. We are, our own worst enemy at times. Christ be with you brother, time to live a new life and move forward.

Anita R.

My husband now and I have a Great relationship. If we have disagreements at all it is over children issues related to being in a blended family. It is hard when you do not have total control over finances or discipline issues. It is a huge stressor. We do pretty well with it, but we work at it constantly.
Anita R.

My husband now and I have a Great relationship. If we have disagreements at all it is over children issues related to being in a blended family. It is hard when you do not have total control over finances or discipline issues. It is a huge stressor. We do pretty well with it, but we work at it constantly.
Anita R

My first marriage ended mainly because of extreme verbal abuse among a host of other things. You name it is was an issue. Oddly enough we could actually get along fine at times and had a great deal in common.But that is another story in and of itself. The thing that killed our marriage was really based on the essence of this one statement" I really don't care about your day or what you did today, would you rather me pretend to care? Can you leave now so I can watch TV" "I said no I would prefer you really cared" Yes this was actually said and yes he meant it and admitted he meant it when I stood in awe of his statement and asked him about it. There is nothing worse than the person you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with could care less about you and your life or any part of it. Love your spouse. Work hard at knowing what makes them tick and gets them excited. Allow time for both of you to express your dreams and desires and frustrations. It is a 2 way street. Just listening to each other and encouraging each other can go a long way when everything else is a mess.It can't be all one person
Anita R

Cont. I love my church, but I would have to answer NO to helping with the blended family issue. Most things in the church are geared toward the " traditional family" They may say otherwise, but as a blended family the activities are set up with the traditional family in mind and do not really take in to consideration the schedules of divorced, single parents or blended families. Sadly we are the majority.This can leave you feeling very isolated and makes it hard to get involved especially with your children. It would be great if there were classes or resources to help with parents and people preparing for a 2nd marriage or tools for blended families. I think that 2nd marriages fail due to the lack of support and tools to deal with some of these issues. It is great if you can stay married the first time, but if you didn't you are going to need all the help you can get the next go around because you have even more baggage and more issues from the get go. It is definetly something that needs to be addressed in the church today if they really want to reach all families. I believe this would help a great deal of marriages. There are a lot of stressors. Just my thoughts.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Anita…there are some great thoughts here. Some of the things you talk about and point out I never would have thought about without your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

Anita R

Cont. I love my church, but I would have to answer NO to helping with the blended family issue. Most things in the church are geared toward the " traditional family" They may say otherwise, but as a blended family the activities are set up with the traditional family in mind and do not really take in to consideration the schedules of divorced, single parents or blended families. Sadly we are the majority.This can leave you feeling very isolated and makes it hard to get involved especially with your children. It would be great if there were classes or resources to help with parents and people preparing for a 2nd marriage or tools for blended families. I think that 2nd marriages fail due to the lack of support and tools to deal with some of these issues. It is great if you can stay married the first time, but if you didn't you are going to need all the help you can get the next go around because you have even more baggage and more issues from the get go. It is definetly something that needs to be addressed in the church today if they really want to reach all families. I believe this would help a great deal of marriages. There are a lot of stressors. Just my thoughts.

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

Anita…there are some great thoughts here. Some of the things you talk about and point out I never would have thought about without your perspective. Thank you so much for sharing your heart!

Anita R

My first marriage ended mainly because of extreme verbal abuse among a host of other things. You name it is was an issue. Oddly enough we could actually get along fine at times and had a great deal in common.But that is another story in and of itself. The thing that killed our marriage was really based on the essence of this one statement" I really don't care about your day or what you did today, would you rather me pretend to care? Can you leave now so I can watch TV" "I said no I would prefer you really cared" Yes this was actually said and yes he meant it and admitted he meant it when I stood in awe of his statement and asked him about it. There is nothing worse than the person you are suppose to spend the rest of your life with could care less about you and your life or any part of it. Love your spouse. Work hard at knowing what makes them tick and gets them excited. Allow time for both of you to express your dreams and desires and frustrations. It is a 2 way street. Just listening to each other and encouraging each other can go a long way when everything else is a mess.It can't be all one person
Jen

Trust, resentment & unforgiveness. I have been married for 7 years and and we have battled these three things since day one. Last year was probably the worst…I did not think we were going to make it. We have been attending church for the last couple of years but we did not have a real relationship with God. I turned to everyone that I thought could "fix" us, our pastors, a church counselor, but once we finally turned to God and let HIM in our hearts it is amazing the way HE is changing our marriage now. We still have a long way to go but I feel that we are on the right track.
Jen

Trust, resentment & unforgiveness. I have been married for 7 years and and we have battled these three things since day one. Last year was probably the worst…I did not think we were going to make it. We have been attending church for the last couple of years but we did not have a real relationship with God. I turned to everyone that I thought could "fix" us, our pastors, a church counselor, but once we finally turned to God and let HIM in our hearts it is amazing the way HE is changing our marriage now. We still have a long way to go but I feel that we are on the right track.
Jen

I do feel that the church could be more effective helping couples go through tough times. I know that I was searching hard to talk to anyone that I thought could help, guide us in a better direction, give us hope to fight for our marriage. The first person I turned to was our pastor which took a lot for me to make that call. Once we met with one of the pastors it was a disappointing experience. I'm not sure what I expected, but I know I expected way more than what we got in that meeting. Here we were pouring our hearts out about the most private, humiliating issues that we were facing in our marriage and I do not think that he even took the time to ask us our names. No follow up call…nothing. We even saw him at church a couple of weeks later and I do not even think he recognized us. It felt like a slap in the face. We were begging for a spiritual direction. Luckily, we did not give up and we are now finding our way. When people come to the church for help when they are as "broken" as we were I feel that the church could make a huge impact. If people are willing to ask the church for help then I feel that they are also willing to accept the help if offered to them.
Jen

I do feel that the church could be more effective helping couples go through tough times. I know that I was searching hard to talk to anyone that I thought could help, guide us in a better direction, give us hope to fight for our marriage. The first person I turned to was our pastor which took a lot for me to make that call. Once we met with one of the pastors it was a disappointing experience. I'm not sure what I expected, but I know I expected way more than what we got in that meeting. Here we were pouring our hearts out about the most private, humiliating issues that we were facing in our marriage and I do not think that he even took the time to ask us our names. No follow up call…nothing. We even saw him at church a couple of weeks later and I do not even think he recognized us. It felt like a slap in the face. We were begging for a spiritual direction. Luckily, we did not give up and we are now finding our way. When people come to the church for help when they are as "broken" as we were I feel that the church could make a huge impact. If people are willing to ask the church for help then I feel that they are also willing to accept the help if offered to them.
http://twitter.com/witchyangl @witchyangl

Communication. But not between us, exactly. My husbands family is very close…too close. His parents separated when he was six, and he's pretty much been the man of the house ever since. So when we got married, she still called him for everything. From the leaky pipe to the out of control 16 year old. And if he wouldn't drop everything (once leaving me throwing up with a sick 6 month old for 12 hours because his brother was out of control) she would cry and say that he didn't care of his handicapped brother got hurt. It took a while for him to learn to say, Mom, he's your child. I have my own child to take care of. It also helped that we moved too far for him to just run over. The church made our marriage stronger….only after trying to tear it apart when my husband's preacher tried to destroy it by calling out my husband for being a bad husband because he allowed me to go out with friends without him. My husband was so hurt by this, it has turned him away from church definately, and not too sure about God. I'm now stuck trying to undo the damage, encouraging without pushing, trying to get him to believe God loves in, in very, very tiny steps
http://twitter.com/witchyangl @witchyangl

Communication. But not between us, exactly. My husbands family is very close…too close. His parents separated when he was six, and he's pretty much been the man of the house ever since. So when we got married, she still called him for everything. From the leaky pipe to the out of control 16 year old. And if he wouldn't drop everything (once leaving me throwing up with a sick 6 month old for 12 hours because his brother was out of control) she would cry and say that he didn't care of his handicapped brother got hurt. It took a while for him to learn to say, Mom, he's your child. I have my own child to take care of. It also helped that we moved too far for him to just run over. The church made our marriage stronger….only after trying to tear it apart when my husband's preacher tried to destroy it by calling out my husband for being a bad husband because he allowed me to go out with friends without him. My husband was so hurt by this, it has turned him away from church definately, and not too sure about God. I'm now stuck trying to undo the damage, encouraging without pushing, trying to get him to believe God loves in, in very, very tiny steps
Jen

There have been "white lies" here and there for no reason since the beginning of our marriage. These LITTLE lies have caused lots of distrust issues. These issues put such a wedge between us that I always feared he would have an affair. One year ago I caught him having online sexual conversations with a old high school friend which also led to him telling me about a couple of other online affairs. I have really struggled ….do I believe that he is telling me the truth that there was never any physical contact??? after all the lies that he has told me through out our marriage? This to me was just as bad as a full blown affair. It's been hard and one of the most hurtful things that I have experienced.

Thank you for being so open and honest with your story. It has given me so much hope for my marriage this past year.

cshell

Jen,

I feel compelled to reply, b/c I can relate to your story and your husband's story. There are no "white lies", especially when it comes to marriage.

There must be accountability for him. If that means you watch everything he does on his computer AND phone you must do it. If he fights you on this then he is hiding something.

No matter how hard he "tries" or thinks "i can do this" …you can't do it on your own. You need God and accountability.

You don't want to end up where we did. This was just a stepping stone…

anon

I'm not trying to stir up a hornet's nest but my dear hubs has been addicted to porn for more than 30 yrs…and we've been married for 21. At no time in our marriage were we closer to divorce than when I tried to 'hold him accountable' myself! I am not a control freak and I am not his Mom, nor his authority….can you tell what HIS issues are???
The thing that has kept our marriage, and me sane, is giving him over to God on a daily basis. I still stuggle with trust, as he continues to be selfish in one simple (at least to me!) area. I know that in the last year God has placed righteous, unperfect men in his life that will be there for him when he is ready to ask.
He has asked in the past, and our pastor was not equipped to deal with the issues, other than to continue to tell my sweetie that with his choices, he was choosing hell. Now, new church, new pastor, better friends. Hope and grace are my daily portion!

http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

anon…what helped me in my struggle with pornography was going to counseling and going back to the place in my life where sexuality was first broken. For me, that was being sexually abused as a child. Once I had admitted that, come to terms with it and sought help for it, the desire and the grip of pornography was replaced by the desire for true intimacy with my wife. I am not saying I have a magic pill or I have a formula for a 30 year addiction…I am saying that the addiction is the manifestation of something that is broken…if he is willing to dig into that, the desire for pornography may be less. Not sure if that helps or hurts, but it is what I’ve experienced.

Jen

There have been "white lies" here and there for no reason since the beginning of our marriage. These LITTLE lies have caused lots of distrust issues. These issues put such a wedge between us that I always feared he would have an affair. One year ago I caught him having online sexual conversations with a old high school friend which also led to him telling me about a couple of other online affairs. I have really struggled ….do I believe that he is telling me the truth that there was never any physical contact??? after all the lies that he has told me through out our marriage? This to me was just as bad as a full blown affair. It's been hard and one of the most hurtful things that I have experienced.

Thank you for being so open and honest with your story. It has given me so much hope for my marriage this past year.

cshell

Jen,

I feel compelled to reply, b/c I can relate to your story and your husband's story. There are no "white lies", especially when it comes to marriage.

There must be accountability for him. If that means you watch everything he does on his computer AND phone you must do it. If he fights you on this then he is hiding something.

No matter how hard he "tries" or thinks "i can do this" …you can't do it on your own. You need God and accountability.

You don't want to end up where we did. This was just a stepping stone…

anon

I'm not trying to stir up a hornet's nest but my dear hubs has been addicted to porn for more than 30 yrs…and we've been married for 21. At no time in our marriage were we closer to divorce than when I tried to 'hold him accountable' myself! I am not a control freak and I am not his Mom, nor his authority….can you tell what HIS issues are???
The thing that has kept our marriage, and me sane, is giving him over to God on a daily basis. I still stuggle with trust, as he continues to be selfish in one simple (at least to me!) area. I know that in the last year God has placed righteous, unperfect men in his life that will be there for him when he is ready to ask.
He has asked in the past, and our pastor was not equipped to deal with the issues, other than to continue to tell my sweetie that with his choices, he was choosing hell. Now, new church, new pastor, better friends. Hope and grace are my daily portion!

http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

anon…what helped me in my struggle with pornography was going to counseling and going back to the place in my life where sexuality was first broken. For me, that was being sexually abused as a child. Once I had admitted that, come to terms with it and sought help for it, the desire and the grip of pornography was replaced by the desire for true intimacy with my wife. I am not saying I have a magic pill or I have a formula for a 30 year addiction…I am saying that the addiction is the manifestation of something that is broken…if he is willing to dig into that, the desire for pornography may be less. Not sure if that helps or hurts, but it is what I’ve experienced.

http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

1) communication. not in that we dont communicate – we do, we always have. but one of us usually always have to be right. and that one of us isnt me. yah…go ahead, call brent on it in a few weeks when we're in nashville. so…what this does, and he knows, is prevents me from talkin about some things. which is also wrong….i still need to share. so we both can be at fault in this.

i think our church does well in showing, through action and through teaching, how to treat others. so, yes.

but like anything in life – we can be shown and walked through a process til everyone is blue in the face…but unless we apply what we learn and know it doesnt matter.
http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

1) communication. not in that we dont communicate – we do, we always have. but one of us usually always have to be right. and that one of us isnt me. yah…go ahead, call brent on it in a few weeks when we're in nashville. so…what this does, and he knows, is prevents me from talkin about some things. which is also wrong….i still need to share. so we both can be at fault in this.

i think our church does well in showing, through action and through teaching, how to treat others. so, yes.

but like anything in life – we can be shown and walked through a process til everyone is blue in the face…but unless we apply what we learn and know it doesnt matter.
http://twitter.com/bentwingedbird @bentwingedbird

Great discussion…couldn't wait to get home tonight to add to it.

1. Lots of things, really. Since my wife isn't here to present her side, I'll discuss my contributions to our current situation. Anger issues leading to verbal abuse, lack of attention/affection and some unhealthy desires. I do believe that the most damage was done by my anger, which stripped away her ability and willingness to trust me with her emotional safety, and blinded me to the damage I was doing. I also did not step up to the plate as the spritiual head of our household as I should have

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

@bentwingedbird…thank you so much for just laying it out there and being vulnerable! To own all that you have owned shows that God is moving in your life an marriage! Thank for you for sharing!

http://twitter.com/bentwingedbird @bentwingedbird

Great discussion…couldn't wait to get home tonight to add to it.

1. Lots of things, really. Since my wife isn't here to present her side, I'll discuss my contributions to our current situation. Anger issues leading to verbal abuse, lack of attention/affection and some unhealthy desires. I do believe that the most damage was done by my anger, which stripped away her ability and willingness to trust me with her emotional safety, and blinded me to the damage I was doing. I also did not step up to the plate as the spritiual head of our household as I should have

http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

@bentwingedbird…thank you so much for just laying it out there and being vulnerable! To own all that you have owned shows that God is moving in your life an marriage! Thank for you for sharing!

http://twitter.com/bentwingedbird @bentwingedbird

2. I feel that the church is failing miserably in the area of marriage. When things reached the initial crisis point (as in the point where I finally realized the depth of our problem), we approached our pastor, separately and together, for help, and were sorely dissappointed in the very little help we got.

What the church really needs to do, IMO, is to develop mentor couples. Couples who are seasoned in marriage and are willing to come alongside other, younger couples (or even older couples) and guide them through the trials of marriage. Sort of like a marriage discipleship.

What’s Destroying Your Marriage?

1. What is the one issue that creates the most problems for you in your marriage? (Communication, lust, finances, lack of trust, pornography, resentment, unforgivness, etc…)

2. Do you feel like the Church is effective in helping you find Godly hope and answers to this problem?

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