February 23, 2010 in Uncategorized with 44 Comments

A Formula for Health

Last week, a lady name Deb made a comment on One Thing Part 5. What she said was so valuable, I wanted to make sure all of us got to take it in…here’s what she said:

We’ve been married almost 33 years and it has had some rough spots. One of the major turning points in our marriage came after a period of not being able to communicate well with each other about anything! We went to our pastor and these words have changed the way I communicate with my husband as well as others. “Speak without offending (you can tell the truth in love or wait until you can) and Listen without defending (building the debate in your head while they are talking closes your ears and heart to what is really being said.)” Speak without offending and listen without defending. Saved my marriage.

Speak without offending…listen without defending. This really applies to all relationships. As I think through most of the arguments I have had with Trisha, I am guilty of one, sometimes both. I’d love to know which one gives you the greatest challenge? For me, I tend to listen in order to defend. Before my wife is done talking, I’ve only listened to enough of what they are saying so I can build an argument for my next point.

What about you? Do you most often struggle to speak without offending or do you struggle to listen without defending?

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  • cshell

    I thought that post from Deb was pure gold as well. "Listen without defending" is still ringing in my head and heart. I have a LONG way to go in this area…i'm awesome at debating :(

    Just yesterday I had it ringing in my ears with a conversation with my wife. I thought as the "listen without defending" popped into my thoughts…"thank you Lord" b/c in the past I would have waxed eloquent, but today I listen.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is awesome! One day at a time! :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is awesome! One day at a time! :)

  • cshell

    I thought that post from Deb was pure gold as well. "Listen without defending" is still ringing in my head and heart. I have a LONG way to go in this area…i'm awesome at debating :(

    Just yesterday I had it ringing in my ears with a conversation with my wife. I thought as the "listen without defending" popped into my thoughts…"thank you Lord" b/c in the past I would have waxed eloquent, but today I listen.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is awesome! One day at a time! :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is awesome! One day at a time! :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    I struggle with a little of both. Good post. Thanks.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Jason!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    I struggle with a little of both. Good post. Thanks.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Jason!

  • http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

    Thanks for pulling out that comment…good stuff. I believe I struggle with both of those at times.

    Just wanted you and Trish to know that I appreciate the guest posts last week. They were very inspirational and made me in earnest re-evaluate some things in my marriage. This post today does the same as well.

    Thanks for the challenges!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      I agree…the guests posts last week were awesome. I think we are going to try to incorporate more of those as we move forward with our blog. The fresh voice and perspective were great!

  • http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

    Thanks for pulling out that comment…good stuff. I believe I struggle with both of those at times.

    Just wanted you and Trish to know that I appreciate the guest posts last week. They were very inspirational and made me in earnest re-evaluate some things in my marriage. This post today does the same as well.

    Thanks for the challenges!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      I agree…the guests posts last week were awesome. I think we are going to try to incorporate more of those as we move forward with our blog. The fresh voice and perspective were great!

  • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

    that was definitely a comment that stuck with me too.

    ive a problem mostly with the speaking part.

    so ive been thinking about it a lot since…and speaking less…for now ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      I can't imagine you having an issue with speaking…wow! Seriously…thanks for sharing!

  • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

    that was definitely a comment that stuck with me too.

    ive a problem mostly with the speaking part.

    so ive been thinking about it a lot since…and speaking less…for now ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      I can't imagine you having an issue with speaking…wow! Seriously…thanks for sharing!

  • Kerry

    I need to work on both. I used to think I was pretty good at the "speak without offending" part but I found out that when I'm truly trying to be gentle, it comes across as condescension to my wife, so I need to find out how to be "gentle" without being "mr.-holier-than-thou." The defending thing is even harder because anything that even remotely sounds like a criticism of me flips a switch and sends my brain into defense mode. Defense mode does seem to preclude listening mode every time…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Good stuff! I can be so condescending too!

  • Kerry

    I need to work on both. I used to think I was pretty good at the "speak without offending" part but I found out that when I'm truly trying to be gentle, it comes across as condescension to my wife, so I need to find out how to be "gentle" without being "mr.-holier-than-thou." The defending thing is even harder because anything that even remotely sounds like a criticism of me flips a switch and sends my brain into defense mode. Defense mode does seem to preclude listening mode every time…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Good stuff! I can be so condescending too!

  • http://melissabrotherton.com/ Melissa Brotherton

    Definitely the “listen without defending” part is the toughest for me. This is something God is slowly working on in me. Nine years of marriage tomorrow – hopefully there’s been some improvement. :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Happy Anniversary!

  • http://melissabrotherton.com Melissa Brotherton

    Definitely the “listen without defending” part is the toughest for me. This is something God is slowly working on in me. Nine years of marriage tomorrow – hopefully there’s been some improvement. :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Happy Anniversary!

  • http://www.jenniclayville.com/ Jenni

    i don't know what you're talking about.

    i NEVER do this ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      WHATEVER!

  • http://www.jenniclayville.com Jenni

    i don't know what you're talking about.

    i NEVER do this ;)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      WHATEVER!

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  • Moranda

    To me, they go hand in hand. Mainly because when I listen to defend, I then speak to offend. I can play back many discussion that I had with my husband and this was taking place with both of us. I know that I was terrible at it. I can still hear my husband telling me that I always have excuses for everything. I would try to reason with them, but basically I had listened to his converstation and thought of every defense that I had for the things we were discussing. If I would have just been more relaxed, listened, and discussed, things could have went smoothly. We can still have our opinions, but there is a different way of going about things. I do believe that this is the biggest setback that I established to my marriage and probably why I am divorced today. It causes such disrespect for our husbands. I pray that I can be more aware of it and do better in the future.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Moranda…I am so humbled by your honesty. Thank you for sharing from your heart!

  • Moranda

    To me, they go hand in hand. Mainly because when I listen to defend, I then speak to offend. I can play back many discussion that I had with my husband and this was taking place with both of us. I know that I was terrible at it. I can still hear my husband telling me that I always have excuses for everything. I would try to reason with them, but basically I had listened to his converstation and thought of every defense that I had for the things we were discussing. If I would have just been more relaxed, listened, and discussed, things could have went smoothly. We can still have our opinions, but there is a different way of going about things. I do believe that this is the biggest setback that I established to my marriage and probably why I am divorced today. It causes such disrespect for our husbands. I pray that I can be more aware of it and do better in the future.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Moranda…I am so humbled by your honesty. Thank you for sharing from your heart!

  • http://www.InteriorGal.com/ Anita

    If I were to choose it would be the speaking to offend part. I work really hard at not doing it but occassionally, it gets the best of me..
    Here is the thing that got me about that line when I read it last week. I don't necessarily speak everytime what I think nor do I not listen but what I do do that I think can be just as or more dangerous is this.
    I hear a comment that my spouse or someone else makes I don't necessarily respond verbally, I listen to their side and not say much of anything. Then I go back and ponder it all day or for days or weeks and have conversations about it in my head and those conversations are not very good. Quite scary sometimes. The thing is what is in my head and heart even if it is not said will show in some form that is not going to be good. Since I compartmentalize I don't always deal with my hurts and pains, which is not a good thing. I need to work at actually sharing my thoughts and hurts even if it is not pleasant.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Compartmentalizing is something I think we all struggle with! Thank you for sharing. You're not alone in how you deal with this!

  • http://www.InteriorGal.com/ Anita

    If I were to choose it would be the speaking to offend part. I work really hard at not doing it but occassionally, it gets the best of me..
    Here is the thing that got me about that line when I read it last week. I don't necessarily speak everytime what I think nor do I not listen but what I do do that I think can be just as or more dangerous is this.
    I hear a comment that my spouse or someone else makes I don't necessarily respond verbally, I listen to their side and not say much of anything. Then I go back and ponder it all day or for days or weeks and have conversations about it in my head and those conversations are not very good. Quite scary sometimes. The thing is what is in my head and heart even if it is not said will show in some form that is not going to be good. Since I compartmentalize I don't always deal with my hurts and pains, which is not a good thing. I need to work at actually sharing my thoughts and hurts even if it is not pleasant.

  • http://www.InteriorGal.com Anita

    If I were to choose it would be the speaking to offend part. I work really hard at not doing it but occassionally, it gets the best of me..
    Here is the thing that got me about that line when I read it last week. I don't necessarily speak everytime what I think nor do I not listen but what I do do that I think can be just as or more dangerous is this.
    I hear a comment that my spouse or someone else makes I don't necessarily respond verbally, I listen to their side and not say much of anything. Then I go back and ponder it all day or for days or weeks and have conversations about it in my head and those conversations are not very good. Quite scary sometimes. The thing is what is in my head and heart even if it is not said will show in some form that is not going to be good. Since I compartmentalize I don't always deal with my hurts and pains, which is not a good thing. I need to work at actually sharing my thoughts and hurts even if it is not pleasant.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Compartmentalizing is something I think we all struggle with! Thank you for sharing. You're not alone in how you deal with this!

  • http://www.InteriorGal.com Anita

    If I were to choose it would be the speaking to offend part. I work really hard at not doing it but occassionally, it gets the best of me..
    Here is the thing that got me about that line when I read it last week. I don't necessarily speak everytime what I think nor do I not listen but what I do do that I think can be just as or more dangerous is this.
    I hear a comment that my spouse or someone else makes I don't necessarily respond verbally, I listen to their side and not say much of anything. Then I go back and ponder it all day or for days or weeks and have conversations about it in my head and those conversations are not very good. Quite scary sometimes. The thing is what is in my head and heart even if it is not said will show in some form that is not going to be good. Since I compartmentalize I don't always deal with my hurts and pains, which is not a good thing. I need to work at actually sharing my thoughts and hurts even if it is not pleasant.

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