February 10, 2010 in Uncategorized with 43 Comments

God Will Change You First

Trisha and I meet with and talk to couples all the time. One of the first things they express to us is how much they wish their marriage was different. They wish there was more forgiveness, more communication, more respect, more intimacy, more joy, more time together, more patience, more romance, more prayer, more unity, more of a desire to even work on the marriage.

Today, I want to share a principle with you that goes for all relationships, not just marriage: If you want God to change your relationship(s), you must be willing to allow God to change you first. So often in my life, I long to have God improve a friendship or transform my marriage, or repair my relationship with my dad, or deepen my relationship with my son, and my prayer is “God, please change them. God please change this relationship, help them to see their attitude, their choices, their behavior, their….”

Maybe God is using the marriage you are in or the friendship you are struggling to deepen or the friction you are feeling with your parents, to change you, not them. Am I saying that they don’t have baggage or junk or wrongs that they are bringing into your relationship? No, I am not saying that. I am saying you can’t change them. I am saying you will not be held accountable to God or anyone else for their choices, their behavior, their decisions. But so often we have our eyes so focused on what the other person could do to improve, we lose sight of our blind spots, our dysfunctions, our baggage and our attitudes.

Here is what I know today: if you make a decision to begin praying “God use this marriage or use this relationship to change me into the person you want me to be”, God will answer that prayer. Even if the person you are struggling with NEVER changes, your relationship with them will be better…because you will be better. You will be different. You will be more capable of loving them in the way God desires.

It is so difficult to lay aside your rights, what you are owed, what you deserve, what they need to give you and simply say “God, change me first.” But the long term, soul level change you are looking for and desiring in that relationship is only found as you find soul level change for your life, first, then the relationship will follow.

Do you find it difficult to pray that prayer “God change me” before you pray for Him to change someone else?

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  • candice

    Praying "God use…" is a scary thing. You are pretty much guaranteed that everything is going to be turned upside down.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      When everything is turned upside down, that is usually how God works best!

  • candice

    Praying "God use…" is a scary thing. You are pretty much guaranteed that everything is going to be turned upside down.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      When everything is turned upside down, that is usually how God works best!

  • http://twitter.com/lelenash @lelenash

    You're not kidding! Great post guys.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Lisa!

  • http://twitter.com/lelenash @lelenash

    You're not kidding! Great post guys.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Lisa!

  • http://rebeccannb.wordpress.com/ Becky

    I used to have a hard time praying that prayer but that changed about four years ago. I now look to see how I can be changed in a situation. Its not easy at all! But the outcome is so much better when I do that!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks for sharing Becky!

  • http://rebeccannb.wordpress.com Becky

    I used to have a hard time praying that prayer but that changed about four years ago. I now look to see how I can be changed in a situation. Its not easy at all! But the outcome is so much better when I do that!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks for sharing Becky!

  • http://4junkdna.blogspot.com/ Elaine

    Great post. Thanks.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Elaine!

  • http://4junkdna.blogspot.com/ Elaine

    Great post. Thanks.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Elaine!

  • mommycub`

    Naahhh. I'm pretty near perfect, so I really don't have ego problems that would cause me to have difficulty praying that prayer. KURPOW!!!!!! Wow that was weird. The house just got struck by lightning, and there aren't any storm clouds around. Anyway, as I was saying, I am totally aware of all my faults which makes me able to see other's faults with extreme ease.

    NNNNNOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great post! Exactly what God "refined" a little more in me this past year. Now, if I can just hang on to that mindset and not fall back into the old "splinter/log in the eye" syndrome. :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      I think we are all in the same boat! I struggle with the same "splinter/log" issue!

  • mommycub`

    Naahhh. I'm pretty near perfect, so I really don't have ego problems that would cause me to have difficulty praying that prayer. KURPOW!!!!!! Wow that was weird. The house just got struck by lightning, and there aren't any storm clouds around. Anyway, as I was saying, I am totally aware of all my faults which makes me able to see other's faults with extreme ease.

    NNNNNOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great post! Exactly what God "refined" a little more in me this past year. Now, if I can just hang on to that mindset and not fall back into the old "splinter/log in the eye" syndrome. :)

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      I think we are all in the same boat! I struggle with the same "splinter/log" issue!

  • ian black

    Love it! You are so right, the only attitude we can change is our own. Thanks for the great post!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Ian!

  • ian black

    Love it! You are so right, the only attitude we can change is our own. Thanks for the great post!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks Ian!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Great post guys.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks so much Jason!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Great post guys.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks so much Jason!

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  • Rainer

    This was great. Standing for my marriage, I learned that this was exactly what I needed to follow. I actually forwarded this to my 20-year-old daughter who is having some relationship issues with her boyfriend. It really does have relevance for all relationships, not just marriages. Keep blogging and blessing us!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks so much! I appreciate your encouragement!

  • Rainer

    This was great. Standing for my marriage, I learned that this was exactly what I needed to follow. I actually forwarded this to my 20-year-old daughter who is having some relationship issues with her boyfriend. It really does have relevance for all relationships, not just marriages. Keep blogging and blessing us!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 davisfamily05

      Thanks so much! I appreciate your encouragement!

  • Jessica

    So timely! I am new to your blog and have consumed every post since 1/1/10 and the Lord has blessed me and my husband immensely through your words.
    After reading your 8 Things post, God has spoken so loudly to both of us. It was great for both of us to read things from someone else's perspective. It really did speak volumes about the restorative power of Jesus Christ.

    We have been struggling for the last 4 years because I have had problems being honest about my behaviors of that time. We are getting ready to celebrate our 20th anniversary next week and I am thrilled because I didn't think we would make it. I became a liar, yet he is still with me. He is forgiving me, but it's a process (I don't enjoy that, quick and easy is what I want.) He keeps telling me that I have to stop saying what HE should do and start praying about what I HAVE to do! Just yesterday he reminded me of that very thing. TELL THE TRUTH!

    I'm so grateful that Sarah Markely connected with you two because that's how I found you. Thank you for blessing everyone that reads your posts and for your openness and honesty about REAL LIFE.

  • Jessica

    So timely! I am new to your blog and have consumed every post since 1/1/10 and the Lord has blessed me and my husband immensely through your words.
    After reading your 8 Things post, God has spoken so loudly to both of us. It was great for both of us to read things from someone else's perspective. It really did speak volumes about the restorative power of Jesus Christ.

    We have been struggling for the last 4 years because I have had problems being honest about my behaviors of that time. We are getting ready to celebrate our 20th anniversary next week and I am thrilled because I didn't think we would make it. I became a liar, yet he is still with me. He is forgiving me, but it's a process (I don't enjoy that, quick and easy is what I want.) He keeps telling me that I have to stop saying what HE should do and start praying about what I HAVE to do! Just yesterday he reminded me of that very thing. TELL THE TRUTH!

    I'm so grateful that Sarah Markely connected with you two because that's how I found you. Thank you for blessing everyone that reads your posts and for your openness and honesty about REAL LIFE.

  • Mpwilliams15

    Thanks all of your for your words of enouragemnt! I been married over a year and i am aware it still all very new, but i really want what i want and how i want and it is that kind of child like thinking that is keeping me from being happy all the time! Today I take a stand GOD CHANGE ME! I may not like the process and that is ok! I need to change, because i am sick and tired of being sick tired! I want to enjoy the blessing you have given me! My Husband!!