One Thing: Part 1-Justin and Trisha
In February 2009, Trisha and I made the decision to begin writing about the destruction of our marriage. We launched our 8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Series, Valentines week. We had no idea that our blog would reach so many people, would lead us to start a non-profit ministry and would connect us with so many people from around the world. We just wanted to be faithful to share our story of hope and redemption…God has done the rest. We spend a lot of our time talking to couples who have had their marriage fall apart. They are broken, they are hurting, many are on life support, some don’t recover.
One of the passions we have is to not just be a reaction to a broken marriage, but to be a proactive catalyst to prevent marriages from taking the path in which our marriage traveled. What if our experience could help save a marriage before it implodes?
So today, we are kicking off a series of posts called “One Thing“. The theme of each post this week will be centered around this question: “What is one thing you know NOW that you wish you would have known before you got married?” Our hope is that the collective wisdom of the people who will be writing this week can be used to help illuminate some things in your life and marriage that can change before you make the mistakes we’ve made.
Our “One Thing” was the area of sexual intimacy.
Until the affair, I (Trish) didn’t understand how God created both Justin and me for sexual intimacy. I assumed if he was wanting to go there after I spent the day “giving” to kids, laundry, friends and regular life events then he was just plain SELFISH! At some point in our relationship I permanently camped out in this mindset and found that not only did I not understand sex, I didn’t really care to. I believe that our marriage would have been different if both Justin and I had a better understanding of what God’s intentions and purpose was for sexual intimacy. I believe that our tendency to hide from conversations about sexual sin would have decreased. I believe that our desire to be more open and honest with each other would have increased. We can’t go back, but my desire is to be as in tune with my husband in this area of our marriage, as I am in every other area. It isn’t easy, but it is so worth it.
Intimacy for me (Justin) was just sex. I was never taught how to develop true intimacy, never realized the spiritual aspect of intimacy and never considered there could be any deeper level of intimacy than having sex. Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I fell into the trap of withholding parts of my heart from Trisha. It wasn’t always sin or struggles that I withheld…fears that I was ashamed of, things I didn’t have figured out, issues that I thought would stress her out, financial struggles I knew would worry her, dreams that I thought she would never understand. Each time I chose not to share, I diminished the level of intimacy we were capable of experiencing in our marriage. I wish we could have a do over in this area, and I could go back in time and share everything with her from the beginning. It would have saved us so much hurt. Because I can’t, I have made a decision to share my whole heart with my wife, and model for my boys what true intimacy looks like. The way that God has grown the intimacy we experience in our marriage is incredible. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable at times, but what we have as a result of intimacy, I wouldn’t trade for anything!
This week you are going to hear from some amazing couples as they write about their “One Thing”. I hope you will join our conversation as we share our stories with you.
Tuesday: Brian and Jenni Clayville
Wednesday: Chad and Sarah Markley
Thursday: Brent and Tammy Hodge
Friday: Pete and Brandi Wilson
Anyone else clueless like we were in the area of sexual intimacy?
16 Comments to “One Thing: Part 1-Justin and Trisha”
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Wow..can't wait to see what this week brings to us. This issue is a major one in so many marriages and I know it contributed to the downfall of my first marriage. I know there are many marriages out there who seem doomed that are really just in need of restoration in this area…and once that big hurdle is climbed all the others seem a little bit smaller.
Great perspective Jason on how this hurdle makes others look bigger than they are! Thank you!
Going to be a great week of posts! My one thing is intimacy as well…I felt much like Justin and withheld things that I thought would hurt my husband or that he wouldn't understand. This dishonesty developed a wedge between us that eventually led to my infidelity and years later my husbands. We are still battling back from this and now have a daughter that is getting married, so we're trying to share our wisdom with her and her fiance'.
Ginger…I think it is great how you are using your experience to help prepare your daughter. Redemption comes in many forms, and you are going to be able to redeem your situation through your daughter not experiencing what you did.
Intimacy….could not of said it better. We were married for 25 years and we struggled from the very beginning with this very issue. I wish I knew then what I know now and I wish we could have had better communication about it.
Thanks Pam!
Can't wait to check back here this week! A much needed topic…something we tend to brush under the rug. We have not struggled in this area as much as some of our friends and I have always felt this passion/need/desire to help others have the abundant sex life that God has designed for marriages, by talking about, seeking help if needed, etc…I am def. sending others to this site this week, as well.
Thanks Tracy! We are hoping to reach a lot of people this week!
Lack of intimacy for me has been lack of honesty. Dishonesty and fear of the reception of that honesty breeds destruction of intimacy.
I’ve been there! Thank you for your honesty here! Praying for you.
I believe one of our many things was intimacy as well. I believe that my husbands lack of opening up and sharing things led him to withhold all intimacy. We went without sex all together and it was his choice. We had absolutely no intimacy at all! I know that things that I did or didn't do led to this though.
Moranda…physical intimacy is ALWAYS tied to something else…our physical intimacy is an expression of the condition of our heart. I hope that our site and the sites of others that are writing this week can be a resource for you and your husband.
[...] far justin and trish, brian and jenni clayville and chad and sarah markley have all written fabulous posts. i mean, [...]
Hey guys, I want to thank you for sharing your story! We have friends that are on the brink of separation and Amy and I are heartbroken, I'm going to send them this site and hopefully it can help.
Thanks so much Tracy! Let us know how we can help! We’ll be praying for them!
Going to be a great week of posts! My one thing is intimacy as well…I felt much like Justin and withheld things that I thought would hurt my husband or that he wouldn't understand. This dishonesty developed a wedge between us that eventually led to my infidelity and years later my husbands. We are still battling back from this and now have a daughter that is getting married, so we're trying to share our wisdom with her and her fiance'.