One Thing: Part 2-Brian and Jenni
Today’s guest post comes from two very good friends. You can read here how Trisha and I met Brian and Jenni Clayville…and see how God’s hand was all over introduction. Brian and Jenni are courageous, honest and in the process of refining their marriage to be all that God intended. I encourage you to take some time and read their story, it is powerful!
———————————————————————————————————————-
When we got married Brian was 26 & Jenni, was 22, our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing:
Our STATUS.
We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.
The thought of getting married meant I (Jenni) would finally BE someone… well… someone’s WIFE. I wanted the diamond ring, big white dress and a small, elegant and tasteful wedding… but since I was the first of my siblings to marry, my wedding soon became the three-ringed circus of the year.
I allowed my mother to change everything I ever wanted for my special day in order to keep the peace. Instead of the 100 guests and a dessert reception we had budgeted for, I let my mother talk me into 450 guests and a full buffet dinner that Brian and I continued to pay for at least three years after our wedding day. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers. I just wanted to get to THAT day and be someone’s wife.
However, the day came and went… and I didn’t stop allowing people to dictate my life and days for me. Just like how I allowed my mother to change my dream wedding into hers, I allowed people to control my career, my ministry and just about soak up every last minute of my time and efforts. I loved that people needed me… WANTED me.
Everyone got my attention. Everyone got my time. Everyone but Brian, that is.
My status was “Married”… but my facebook page (if I had one at the time) would have said, “Is In An Open Relationship”.
I (Brian) knew I was marrying the “hot chick”. I was proud of that. The wedding was an expensive reason to see all my friends and a great thing to celebrate. However, I just wanted to get back to life and make my millions with my trophy wife folding my laundry.
This all comes out sounding horrible, I know… but I grew up with my father working and mother at home cooking, cleaning and taking care of us. This was all I knew. I pictured that once we got married, Jenni would automatically become some sort of a sexy “Stepford Wife” never mind that she had a pretty impressive and striving career of her own.
Of course I thought sex and romance would be automatic in marriage. I didn’t think I would have to pursue my wife after our wedding day, just as I had while we were dating… so I never did.
We never had control over our finances. But I didn’t talk to Jenni about it. Jenni rarely cooked or did “house duties” back then (she had a career). But I didn’t tell her that’s what I would have preferred. I had specific hobbies, so I found ways to have my recreation time independently, rather than together with my wife. But, of course, I never talked to her about that either.
I never talked to Jenni… PERIOD. I recognized the lack of intimacy and emotional barrier in our marriage, but I wasn’t willing to address these issues. I didn’t pursue her… not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how. I’d never seen my own parents talk relationally… at least not in front of us. I’ve only ever seen them argue about money, and that’s the last thing I wanted with Jenni.
On the outside, we looked like a very happy and successful couple, but I entered into our marriage emotionally bankrupt and didn’t know how to fill up.
My status was “Married”… but my facebook page would have said “Gone Fishing”.
It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted the same things.
Just like our prideful façade, the status symbols have been stripped away. Our life (ONE life… not two separate) is now lived in the simple reality of love. The reality is simple… but the work is hard.
Love is honest, beautiful, ugly, pursued, raw, passionate, patient, forgiving, and so much more. But most importantly… real love is UNCONDITIONAL.
It’s time to drop the status… and begin experiencing love.
What’s Your Status?
30 Comments to “One Thing: Part 2-Brian and Jenni”
Leave a Reply
I so know what you mean about love being unconditional…and it's so hard to love unconditionally if only one of the two in the marriage is even making an effort to pull their part of the equation. It gets to the point where the facade is easier to throw up because at least then you don't have to deal with the rejection from your other spouse.
I love the Clayville's blogs…they're so honest and straightforward. Thanks for hosting them today, Justin.
Thanks, Jason, for always reading and commenting. I love that you participate!
Jason…my first thought when I read your comment is unconditional means unconditional. There are no conditions. I know I don’t know everyones situation, but to say you love someone unconditionally means it doesn’t matter if they ever return that love…it is theirs anyway.
That's what I meant although I guess it wasn't clear enough. Since we're humans, we'll be challenged in our unconditional love toward a spouse. When it's a one-way kind of situation, it can get hard sometimes to fight the temptations to love in ways other than unconditionally because of our human nature. Does that make more sense as to what I'm thinking?
There is a fine line between unconditional love, and doormat don't you think? We love unconditionally, but I think reciprocity does matter! The Word comands us as men to love our wives unconditionlly, and when we do, the wives will return their love naturally and unconditionally! If they don't, love must be tough. We simply can't lay down and become doormats for a spouse that is not honoring their vows!
Many in the church endorse a tough-love approach to wayward spouses – others do not. My own personal opinion is that conviction should come from the Holy Spirit, not from our actions to set someone straight. God draws us to Him with kindness, not condemnation (Rom. 2:4).
Don't misunderstand "tough love" my friend! It's not about "a desire to set someone straight" it's about loving yourself enough not to be walked on, while your partner is away from God! BIG differance! I agree with you, Love comes from God! John 4 says, "He that loves not knows not God; for God is love."
I agree – sometimes there have to be boundaries. But I also see unconditional love as just that – no conditions attached, no reciprocity expected. Its how we are loved by Him, and how we are called to love. Dying to self goes against our flesh, but its a call for husbands (Eph. 5:25). BTW, I've read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough," and although my flesh was elated and I wanted to throw my wife out of the house for her continued betrayal, I knew that's not what God was calling me to do.
I love your comments, POPS. I think I know what you're getting at… but let me ask you a few questions.
What if "loving yourself" isn't connected to "being a doormat"? I mean… what about Hosea and his pursuance of Gomer? What about Jesus and his pursuance of us? What if the two aren't connected? What if your sense of "being a doormat" is really pride?
Yes… the Bible gives us a "way out" of marriage when adultery presents itself… but I believe God wants restoration first and foremost.
This is the part when leaving comments can get a bit muddy! Sometimes we too quickly assume we know each others stories. In all reality SIN IS SIN. We can't try to figure it out or say one way is better than the other because sin was not meant to make sense. You can pray; read God's word; go to counseling to try to heal your marriage but you can't CHOOSE God for your spouse. They have to be wiling to choose Him.
Because I know POPS, I can tell you that he loved Justin unconditionally when Justin wasn't so loving. He also pursued his first wife relentlessly even though she continued with multiple affairs. He does not take lightly divorce as he has seen it almost destroy his girls.
I'm not "taking-sides" but at the same time over the past year I have connected with A LOT of people who have prayed, stayed and trusted only to see their spouse walk away. I have seen my sister stay married because of this very argument and it almost cost her, her life! The shame, pain and guilt of divorce regardless of who's at fault is very real!
Honestly this is why I am responding. To YOU who have broken your vows. To YOU who's heart has been broken from your spouses choices. I believe with all my heart that if you lean into the Holy Spirit he will lead you!! He will lead you to kindness that leads to repentance. Jesus will heal YOU regardless if your marriage is healed or fails. Your marraige is NEVER to far gone for Him to heal it but in His amazing love both will have to choose Him. Then and only then will the natural response be for both to choose each other.
Thank you Friends for your honesty and willingness to share!! Praying for those of you who are in the thick of the painful journey!
I think you just hit the nail right on the head, Justin. We DEFINITELY can choose for ourselves… but we can't choose for our spouse. Or our children… but that's a WHOLE 'notha post!
My questions weren't to judge or assume I knew anyone's story as much as they were questions pointing more to our own choices to pursue Jesus and God's desire for us.
On my goodness my Chinese Chicken…. I so know your heart!!!! My response was not directed at any 1 person and I am so sorry if you thought that. I would have just called your west cost butt!
When I am reading through the post I am always thinking about the ONE… you know the one person who has completely lost hope… and honestly that's who I am responding to. I love you deeply and think you are an amazing person when you are not correcting my speeling 
Oh its Trish writing
GOOD GLORY, WOMAN!
This is when I KNOW it's Trish and not Justin writing.
Just so you know… I didn't think your comment was directed at me. I rarely think anything negative is about me… cuz i'm just THAT awesome.
… and I will almost ALWAYS correct your "speeling".
Oh sorry… its me Trish writing
but really makes my last response HILARIOUS thinking JD wrote it!!
Jason..Makes total sense. I wasn't saying you should be walked on if your spouse isn't honoring their marriage vows, but I was saying that when we say "I'll love you, but or I'll love you when" that isn't unconditional.
Justin,
Thanks for allowing us to post some thoughts on your blog today. It is an honor to be a friend of you and Trisha. Keep up the great work you are doing to help marriages around the World!
Brian…proud of you guys! I love how you are so honest about what we as guys don’t do very well, and that is pursue our wives! Thanks for leading us in that area!
I agree with Brian. Love you both! Thank you for this privileged opportunity to partner with you on your blog
You guys hit the nail on the head in so many ways with this post! Great job!
Good Post.Now I think I will go spend some needed quality time with my husband. : )
Good for you, Anita!!!
[...] To read more…Click Here [...]
if i were to put a status on you two right now i would say…renewed and reinvented.
im so proud to know you both and to see how your journey has effected so many others.
thanks for being willing to recognize the places that needed tending to and for being willing to do the hard work to rise above it.
we love you.
we love you too, tammitha!
and if it weren't for your relentless prayers (along with many others), I don't know if Brian and I would have experienced healing to the level we did.
THANK YOU for your intercession and love!
i am so in awe of how God has not only restored your marriage, but has literally refined you both in the process. the marriage is new. the love you have for each other is new. and even the love and grace you have for others is new. i am so dang honored to call you my family. i love you!
love you too, friend! can't wait to see you at our renewal in may.
Justin,
Thanks for allowing us to post some thoughts on your blog today. It is an honor to be a friend of you and Trisha. Keep up the great work you are doing to help marriages around the World!
I feel so very blessed to have you in my life, and opening yourselves up to me during the most interesting, challenging, changed portion of my life.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You
Desmond Allbert Murray
How do people avoid ever getting into a place where they need their relationship renewed, redeemed and recreated? I'm at the onset, we are still dating – we want it to be forever… we need to know how to never get to that point cause that can be inspiring too.