One Thing: Part 2-Brian and Jenni

Today’s guest post comes from two very good friends. You can read here how Trisha and I met Brian and Jenni Clayville…and see how God’s hand was all over introduction. Brian and Jenni are courageous, honest and in the process of refining their marriage to be all that God intended. I encourage you to take some time and read their story, it is powerful!

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When we got married Brian was 26 & Jenni, was 22, our thoughts and concerns at the time were about one thing:

Our STATUS.

We’re not saying we didn’t love each other or that we shouldn’t have gotten married… we’re simply stating that our new “status” was more attractive than thinking about the reality of what marriage meant.

The thought of getting married meant I (Jenni) would finally BE someone… well… someone’s WIFE. I wanted the diamond ring, big white dress and a small, elegant and tasteful wedding… but since I was the first of my siblings to marry, my wedding soon became the three-ringed circus of the year.

I allowed my mother to change everything I ever wanted for my special day in order to keep the peace. Instead of the 100 guests and a dessert reception we had budgeted for, I let my mother talk me into 450 guests and a full buffet dinner that Brian and I continued to pay for at least three years after our wedding day. I didn’t want to ruffle feathers. I just wanted to get to THAT day and be someone’s wife.

However, the day came and went… and I didn’t stop allowing people to dictate my life and days for me. Just like how I allowed my mother to change my dream wedding into hers, I allowed people to control my career, my ministry and just about soak up every last minute of my time and efforts. I loved that people needed me… WANTED me.

Everyone got my attention. Everyone got my time. Everyone but Brian, that is.

My status was “Married”… but my facebook page (if I had one at the time) would have said, “Is In An Open Relationship”.

I (Brian) knew I was marrying the “hot chick”. I was proud of that. The wedding was an expensive reason to see all my friends and a great thing to celebrate. However, I just wanted to get back to life and make my millions with my trophy wife folding my laundry.

This all comes out sounding horrible, I know… but I grew up with my father working and mother at home cooking, cleaning and taking care of us. This was all I knew. I pictured that once we got married, Jenni would automatically become some sort of a sexy “Stepford Wife” never mind that she had a pretty impressive and striving career of her own.

Of course I thought sex and romance would be automatic in marriage. I didn’t think I would have to pursue my wife after our wedding day, just as I had while we were dating… so I never did.

We never had control over our finances. But I didn’t talk to Jenni about it. Jenni rarely cooked or did “house duties” back then (she had a career). But I didn’t tell her that’s what I would have preferred. I had specific hobbies, so I found ways to have my recreation time independently, rather than together with my wife. But, of course, I never talked to her about that either.

I never talked to Jenni… PERIOD. I recognized the lack of intimacy and emotional barrier in our marriage, but I wasn’t willing to address these issues. I didn’t pursue her… not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how. I’d never seen my own parents talk relationally… at least not in front of us. I’ve only ever seen them argue about money, and that’s the last thing I wanted with Jenni.

On the outside, we looked like a very happy and successful couple, but I entered into our marriage emotionally bankrupt and didn’t know how to fill up.

My status was “Married”… but my facebook page would have said “Gone Fishing”.

It wasn’t till after we divorced our old marriage that we FINALLY began to talk about these things. We talked about our dreams, our desires, our goals… and soon realized we both wanted the same things.

Just like our prideful façade, the status symbols have been stripped away. Our life (ONE life… not two separate) is now lived in the simple reality of love. The reality is simple… but the work is hard.

Love is honest, beautiful, ugly, pursued, raw, passionate, patient, forgiving, and so much more. But most importantly… real love is UNCONDITIONAL.

It’s time to drop the status… and begin experiencing love.

What’s Your Status?