February 17, 2010 in Uncategorized with 143 Comments

One Thing: Part 3-Chad and Sarah

I (Trisha) am blessed and thankful to have had Chad and Sarah Markley introduced into my life. I had the opportunity to meet with Sarah over a cup of coffee when she came to Nashville for the Blissdom Conference in February. Sarah spoke hard truth to me and helped bring healing to a part of my heart that I desperately needed from her perspective.  I’m thankful to have them speak over you today, on ONE THING.

You can find their story beautifully told here:

Sarah’s blog: http://www.sarahmarkley.com/
Chad’s blog: http://www.chadmarkley.com/
Their story posts: http://www.sarahmarkley.com/story

—————————————————————————————————————-

It’s difficult.

You can’t quantify a question like this.

Because we DID get married when we were 21. We DID have problems with communication. We DID use pornography in our early marriage as a means to quell the disturbing divide between us. We DID yell and scream and belittle and hurt. We DID bring baggage into our fragile relationship, a full set of new Samsonites each.

We DID get married early and young and a little stupid.

And we have the battle scars to prove it.

Yet we could never go back to fix it. That’s the frustrating thing about time — you can’t really ever go back except in your mind to carefully plan out how you would decide or react if you were in an alternate universe 13 years in the past.

But we are here.

Fourteen years ago as we were planning our wedding, we were selfish and absorbed in just getting to the next event in our lives as unscathed as possible.  This is why we got married young and relatively devoid of the follow-through that should accompany deliberate decision making.

So in 1996 just two weeks after I graduated from college, with Chad barely bringing in just a few cents over minimum wage, we got married.

And even though we don’t regret the sweet times so young and married in our tiny apartment, having other couple friends over for dinner and arguing over who was going to take out the trash, we should have waited.

We should have grown up a little more before we invited 400 people to watch us exchange vows that would be broken just four years later.

We should have done the necessary self-analysis and self- searching that SHOULD go before people get married.

We should have grown closer to God individually and began a life that follows hard after a Savior rather than followed hard after a person. Or a wedding. Or an idea of love.

We should have become people who were whole and wholly healed in order to present each other with the best possible gift a new spouse can: a heart that has been broken first for Christ and put back together again.

We should have…

But we didn’t.

And of course (alternate universe notwithstanding) we can’t go back.

So we are here, 13 ½ years later, with an affair and an almost-divorce under our belts. We aren’t proud of it. But we see what getting married young and relatively thoughtless did for us.

It provided a fertile garden for pride, self-absorption and emotional instability that still haunts us today.

What we wish we would have known before we got married?

That life doesn’t get easier when you get married. It actually gets harder. We didn’t understand that our success would be directly tied to both our spiritual and emotional maturity.

We should have grown up a little before we got married. But instead we forced ourselves to grow up WITH each other.

And a lot of marriages don’t make it through something like that. In fact, most don’t.

Somehow ours did.

Marriage is like any large purchase we make that requires financing over an extended period of time. The larger the payment and cost up front, the lower, and shorter, the payments are over the life of the ownership.

This requires sacrifice, patience and long term vision. You can always pay a smaller amount now and “drive it home” today, but the monthly burden of ownership quickly grows heavy.

To do it over, we would go back and pay the larger down payment up front.

The cost of patience and putting of the marriage until we were better prepared.

The added down payment of learning to serve and put each other’s needs before our own.

We would have put wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self; the Cross before our future.

About Justin and Trisha:

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  • http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

    Thanks to Chad and Sarah for sharing their story and thanks to Justin and Trisha for this week of ONE THING posts.

    "Wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self and the Cross before the future"…LOVE this! My husband and I got married young as well (22 and 19). I believe had we made the "larger payment up front", things could have been different for us. Our story has different addicitions-alcohol and co-dependency. Now that we are both currently in a Christian recovery program with stong mentors guiding us, Romans 8:28 has become real. Even the "bad" things are working out for the "good".

    Thanks again for these posts! Looking forward to the rest of the week to see the restoration power of God!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Alison!

  • http://johnandalisonkerr.blogspot.com/ Alison

    Thanks to Chad and Sarah for sharing their story and thanks to Justin and Trisha for this week of ONE THING posts.

    "Wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self and the Cross before the future"…LOVE this! My husband and I got married young as well (22 and 19). I believe had we made the "larger payment up front", things could have been different for us. Our story has different addicitions-alcohol and co-dependency. Now that we are both currently in a Christian recovery program with stong mentors guiding us, Romans 8:28 has become real. Even the "bad" things are working out for the "good".

    Thanks again for these posts! Looking forward to the rest of the week to see the restoration power of God!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Alison!

  • http://www.prudychick.com/ Prudence

    I like this: "Marriage is like any large purchase we make that requires financing over an extended period of time. The larger the payment and cost up front, the lower, and shorter, the payments are over the life of the ownership."

  • http://www.prudychick.com Prudence

    I like this: "Marriage is like any large purchase we make that requires financing over an extended period of time. The larger the payment and cost up front, the lower, and shorter, the payments are over the life of the ownership."

  • Linda

    I got married young and I'm so glad that I did. We have weathered storms and celebrated joys over the years… together. In our relationship, it would have been simply agreeing to prolong adolescence if we hadn't gotten married. God has used marriage to mature us, refine us, and draw us closer to Him. I am so grateful for that.

    I am not sure that life is necessarily "harder" when you get married, it's just different. People who have not found "the one" yet face hardships that I will never know. Life is just hard… and single or married, we need to pursue Jesus with all our hearts.

    I guess I would just like to encourage that woman or man reading who is being discouraged from being married young. Every couple is different. Submitted your relationship to the Lord and follow His leading.

  • Linda

    I got married young and I'm so glad that I did. We have weathered storms and celebrated joys over the years… together. In our relationship, it would have been simply agreeing to prolong adolescence if we hadn't gotten married. God has used marriage to mature us, refine us, and draw us closer to Him. I am so grateful for that.

    I am not sure that life is necessarily "harder" when you get married, it's just different. People who have not found "the one" yet face hardships that I will never know. Life is just hard… and single or married, we need to pursue Jesus with all our hearts.

    I guess I would just like to encourage that woman or man reading who is being discouraged from being married young. Every couple is different. Submitted your relationship to the Lord and follow His leading.

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  • http://growing-in-rejoicing.blogspot.com/ Blessedw5mom

    THANK YOU, Linda! You put to words what I have been thinking but not sure how to communicate. My husband and I were married at 19 and 21 … yes young, but as we look back now (17 years later) there are no regrets and we can even see God's hand all over it. If we had listend to many who "warned" us we were too young or tried to talk us out of it we would have been outright dissobeying God's call for our lives. But those last few words are the key … for our lives. I really don't think age is that big of a factor … it all boils down to commiting your life to the Lord, truly and wholy wanting to put others first and spending time in prayer and in the word to hear God's call on your life. This of corse applies to ALL of life, not just marriage, but it is especially important if you want to enjoy your marriage the way God intends. Marriage is not always easy, but then neither is life … this life lived on earth is a temporary and imperfect home … but we need to keep our eyes on "the prize" on Christ and on eternity.

  • http://growing-in-rejoicing.blogspot.com/ Blessedw5mom

    THANK YOU, Linda! You put to words what I have been thinking but not sure how to communicate. My husband and I were married at 19 and 21 … yes young, but as we look back now (17 years later) there are no regrets and we can even see God's hand all over it. If we had listend to many who "warned" us we were too young or tried to talk us out of it we would have been outright dissobeying God's call for our lives. But those last few words are the key … for our lives. I really don't think age is that big of a factor … it all boils down to commiting your life to the Lord, truly and wholy wanting to put others first and spending time in prayer and in the word to hear God's call on your life. This of corse applies to ALL of life, not just marriage, but it is especially important if you want to enjoy your marriage the way God intends. Marriage is not always easy, but then neither is life … this life lived on earth is a temporary and imperfect home … but we need to keep our eyes on "the prize" on Christ and on eternity.

  • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

    Sarah and Chad, I am so sorry that some have chosen to focus one one small part of your post and not to really listen to your heart and your concern for marriage.

    I love that you both are willing to I understand that marriage is tough. Daily it is a sacrifice. Daily we choose to give instead of receive. Marriage IS harder. It is way easier to live life single and selfish. But in marriage, we choose to live for the other person.

    I love what you said, “We would have put wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self; the Cross before our future.”

    Thank you for your wisdom and example!

  • http://brenthodge.com brent(inWorship)

    Sarah and Chad, I am so sorry that some have chosen to focus one one small part of your post and not to really listen to your heart and your concern for marriage.

    I love that you both are willing to I understand that marriage is tough. Daily it is a sacrifice. Daily we choose to give instead of receive. Marriage IS harder. It is way easier to live life single and selfish. But in marriage, we choose to live for the other person.

    I love what you said, “We would have put wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self; the Cross before our future.”

    Thank you for your wisdom and example!

  • http://persimmon-pulp.com/ Jennifer

    I too got married young (19) but my husband was 25. Two years into our marriage he had an affair. We chose to stay the course and try to rebuild and we seemed to have done that. We celebrated 14 years of marriage 3 months ago, and now almost on the day he formerly told me of his affair, he told me last night that he doesn't know what the future holds.

    To say that I was blindsided may be fairly accurate. I knew that something was up, the intimacy (not necessarily sexual) was not quite right, and I have been feeling many of the same feelings of being unwanted that I felt 12 years ago for a couple of weeks. However nothing prepared me for our conversation last night.

    I KNOW that God can heal this! I KNOW that my marriage is in His capable hands! However, I also know that the next season of my life will be difficult. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that I will do my best to protect our children, and that I need to invest more into our relationship… however I also know that we BOTH need to invest more into that relationship.

    I have been reading the blogs of most of the couples that are posting this week for a while now, and I am encouraged. Thank you for your willingness to share your stories. Thank you for being examples that it can work out – it is hard, yes, but it can be done.

    Neither of us are the same people we were when we made those vows, however I am hopeful that somewhere in the core of who we are there is still something is still there.

    Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability… you are being used to bring hope and encouragement!

  • http://persimmon-pulp.com Jennifer

    I too got married young (19) but my husband was 25. Two years into our marriage he had an affair. We chose to stay the course and try to rebuild and we seemed to have done that. We celebrated 14 years of marriage 3 months ago, and now almost on the day he formerly told me of his affair, he told me last night that he doesn't know what the future holds.

    To say that I was blindsided may be fairly accurate. I knew that something was up, the intimacy (not necessarily sexual) was not quite right, and I have been feeling many of the same feelings of being unwanted that I felt 12 years ago for a couple of weeks. However nothing prepared me for our conversation last night.

    I KNOW that God can heal this! I KNOW that my marriage is in His capable hands! However, I also know that the next season of my life will be difficult. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that I will do my best to protect our children, and that I need to invest more into our relationship… however I also know that we BOTH need to invest more into that relationship.

    I have been reading the blogs of most of the couples that are posting this week for a while now, and I am encouraged. Thank you for your willingness to share your stories. Thank you for being examples that it can work out – it is hard, yes, but it can be done.

    Neither of us are the same people we were when we made those vows, however I am hopeful that somewhere in the core of who we are there is still something is still there.

    Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability… you are being used to bring hope and encouragement!

  • Deidrah

    I got married at 28 my husband was 5 years older. We knew each other a short period of time before we got married (less than 1 year). Not only is growing up important but you can be older and not really know how someone is spiritually. My marriage has ended in divorce after trying everything for 10 years. I should have waited also. I was the oldest single in church and everyone kept asking "When is it your turn?" This article is so true in more ways than one. If God every puts someone in my life again, I will definitely not jump to quickly.

  • Deidrah

    I got married at 28 my husband was 5 years older. We knew each other a short period of time before we got married (less than 1 year). Not only is growing up important but you can be older and not really know how someone is spiritually. My marriage has ended in divorce after trying everything for 10 years. I should have waited also. I was the oldest single in church and everyone kept asking "When is it your turn?" This article is so true in more ways than one. If God every puts someone in my life again, I will definitely not jump to quickly.

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