One Thing: Part 3-Chad and Sarah
I (Trisha) am blessed and thankful to have had Chad and Sarah Markley introduced into my life. I had the opportunity to meet with Sarah over a cup of coffee when she came to Nashville for the Blissdom Conference in February. Sarah spoke hard truth to me and helped bring healing to a part of my heart that I desperately needed from her perspective. I’m thankful to have them speak over you today, on ONE THING.
You can find their story beautifully told here:
Sarah’s blog: http://www.sarahmarkley.com/
Chad’s blog: http://www.chadmarkley.com/
Their story posts: http://www.sarahmarkley.com/story
—————————————————————————————————————-
It’s difficult.
You can’t quantify a question like this.
Because we DID get married when we were 21. We DID have problems with communication. We DID use pornography in our early marriage as a means to quell the disturbing divide between us. We DID yell and scream and belittle and hurt. We DID bring baggage into our fragile relationship, a full set of new Samsonites each.
We DID get married early and young and a little stupid.
And we have the battle scars to prove it.
Yet we could never go back to fix it. That’s the frustrating thing about time — you can’t really ever go back except in your mind to carefully plan out how you would decide or react if you were in an alternate universe 13 years in the past.
But we are here.
Fourteen years ago as we were planning our wedding, we were selfish and absorbed in just getting to the next event in our lives as unscathed as possible. This is why we got married young and relatively devoid of the follow-through that should accompany deliberate decision making.
So in 1996 just two weeks after I graduated from college, with Chad barely bringing in just a few cents over minimum wage, we got married.
And even though we don’t regret the sweet times so young and married in our tiny apartment, having other couple friends over for dinner and arguing over who was going to take out the trash, we should have waited.
We should have grown up a little more before we invited 400 people to watch us exchange vows that would be broken just four years later.
We should have done the necessary self-analysis and self- searching that SHOULD go before people get married.
We should have grown closer to God individually and began a life that follows hard after a Savior rather than followed hard after a person. Or a wedding. Or an idea of love.
We should have become people who were whole and wholly healed in order to present each other with the best possible gift a new spouse can: a heart that has been broken first for Christ and put back together again.
We should have…
But we didn’t.
And of course (alternate universe notwithstanding) we can’t go back.
So we are here, 13 ½ years later, with an affair and an almost-divorce under our belts. We aren’t proud of it. But we see what getting married young and relatively thoughtless did for us.
It provided a fertile garden for pride, self-absorption and emotional instability that still haunts us today.
What we wish we would have known before we got married?
That life doesn’t get easier when you get married. It actually gets harder. We didn’t understand that our success would be directly tied to both our spiritual and emotional maturity.
We should have grown up a little before we got married. But instead we forced ourselves to grow up WITH each other.
And a lot of marriages don’t make it through something like that. In fact, most don’t.
Somehow ours did.
Marriage is like any large purchase we make that requires financing over an extended period of time. The larger the payment and cost up front, the lower, and shorter, the payments are over the life of the ownership.
This requires sacrifice, patience and long term vision. You can always pay a smaller amount now and “drive it home” today, but the monthly burden of ownership quickly grows heavy.
To do it over, we would go back and pay the larger down payment up front.
The cost of patience and putting of the marriage until we were better prepared.
The added down payment of learning to serve and put each other’s needs before our own.
We would have put wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self; the Cross before our future.
66 Comments to “One Thing: Part 3-Chad and Sarah”
Leave a Reply
As another young marry-er who has had to grown up with my husband through our own unique difficulties, I agree whole-heartedly. It isn't something I regret now, but neither is it something I recommend. Wisdom before desire and sacrifice before self… I just couldn't comprehend those at 18. I suffered and caused suffering as a result.
I think getting married young is as dangerous as getting married old, if you aren't committed to becoming the person God has called you to be.
Right on!I agree totally.
Though your journey was difficult, God is using it to bless others and further His Kingdom work.
Amen to that!
We REALLY messed things up earlier in our marraige but it has been amazing what God has done to heal us and allow us to be part of such an amazing community of like minded people.
Justin and Tricia, you guys rock!
So thankful for you Chad. I often tell Trisha that she is evidence that God's grace is real. To be forgiven and to be loved after failing so deeply is such a gift. Thank you for demonstrating God's grace, most importantly to your wife, but also to the rest of us that need to see it!
I'm in my late 20's, not married, and everything you're saying is as relevant to me as it would be to someone 5-10 years my junior. There's no guarantee that you'll grow out of bad behavior as you age, It's good to hear this, because in waiting for my soulmate, if I have one, it becomes easy to settle on 'living in debt', to follow the metaphor, rather than make the payments. And it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking true growth will come once I join my life with another. But that's a lie, and one that keeps me in the muck of my own failures.
So while age is a factor, consider the need for spiritual growth no matter when the wedding.
I think your spiritual age is much more relevant than your physical age. The problem usually is that we think we are much more spiritually healthy than we really are…
Oo, please tell me more about what you mean. How can we look honestly at our spiritual maturity? How can we see when we might actually be ready? Any tips?
One gauge of spiritual maturity: being quick to forgive.
and, of course, there is the Epistle of James. Lots of signs of spiritual maturity in that one. For example: how are we at controlling our tongues? Where are we at in terms of friendship with the world? Is my life marked by outbursts of wrath or by longsuffering love? Am I a doer of the Word? All these are signs of spiritual maturity. A word of caution: if you think you have them, then perhaps you don't. What does your spouse think? What do those closest to you think?
perhaps I should have used the word "patient" or "enduring" instead of longsuffering. Nowadays, in our buy-the-Bible-translation-that-makes-you-feel-good era, people don't like the word "longsuffering" very much.
Thank you for being so bold and transparent. Our marriage was VERY similar. Thankfully God has restored it. I can tell you, one of the most difficult parts of allowing Him to work, was (shamefully) my lack of faith, but also a lack of guidance that contained truth and transparency. I stumbled on Jenni Clayville's blog one night, when I was ready to leave my marriage for good. I didn't and thanks to all of you and your willingness to serve God through your testimony, our marriage began to heal. Thank you. We have listed your blog on the World Prayer Facebook Fan Page, so as to reach others who also need this encouragement. Be blessed in your ministry and marriages.
Franchesca…thank you so much. Your marriage is a testimony to the restoring work of Christ!
Darn that's good.
It is so easy to look and think that the grass is greener, married folks have it so easy, how wonderful life would be if only…All I can say is that if I had married either of guys I dated when I was in college, that would have been a much harder path.
I am thankful for the time God has given to grow up. Maybe he still thinks I have some growing up to do? He may be right
For all the single people out there I want to say THANK YOU. For giving us a glimpse of REAL married life. Even though it might not always be pretty…still praying the right guy is in my future.
Lindsey….maybe God is using this time to prepare your husband to be ready as well. It may not have anything to do with you, other than God longing to honor your faithfulness while you wait and grow.
Great post.
I also got married at 21 but mine ended in divorce.
I like the line about making a bigger down payment up front.
Lindsey & Jen,
"All the single ladies, all the single ladies…
Now put your hands up….
uh uh oh ah ah oh"
Sorry I couldn't resist
Thanks. Now that's stuck in my head.
oh Chad. *sigh*
its now stuck in my head too!
What an inspiring couple.
"That life doesn’t get easier when you get married. It actually gets harder. We didn’t understand that our success would be directly tied to both our spiritual and emotional maturity."
That should be the basis for a required pre-marriage class for anyone wanting to walk down the aisle…and printed on handy desktop wallpapers that you require to put on someone's computer the moment they start to consider marriage.
Yup..there is no looking back, I can attest to that first hand, there is only moving forward in Him! IF…does not exsist…your path, was divine…God knew…and now…look…look what HE did! Its never about "us" either as a couple or individually. HE did what was needed, when needed. Refining, no matter what the issue, isn't comfortable, but necessary…because, as you can see in your own marriage, worth the process HE chose for you!
Really chewing on this one…I have some many IF's…
"your path was divine"…."HE did what was needed, WHEN needed"
really struggling with alot of that…right or wrong…some good food for thought, thanks.
I really appreciated this post! I just want to add something though. Not every couple that marries young goes through these problems. I am 21 and have been married for 2 years in a few months. We have a VERY VERY happy marriage and also an 11 month old little boy. We have MANY other friends who are in the same boat and have incredibly strong marriages. Love the Lord and serve wonderfully together. I am just not convinced that people getting married in their mid 20's are any more selfless than those married young. In fact, to me it would be opposite. To be single much longer would mean to me that you would be more selfish. You would only be having to only take care of "yourself" longer.
At some point, maturity shouldn't be measured by how old you are, but individually, because there are plenty 26 or 30 year olds who act like they are 18 still. And really, to be completely honest, the longer that people wait to be married, the higher the chances of premarital sex and many sex partners. It's our nature to want it and not so many are strong enough to actually wait.
Now, marriage is HARD. It is about being completely selfless and putting someone else's needs first. We even expectantly got pregnant early on and have had the stress of having a baby right off the bat. But we LOVE our life. We love our sweet baby boy and we love each other and most of all we love the Lord. But marriage is the same at any age. You can be 20 and have the maturity of a 30 year old or be 30 and have the maturity of a 20 year old. Wisdom comes with age and experience…But I strongly advise to not discourage young marriage all together. It isn't fair and really casts a bad shadow on marriage to young people. What do they have to look forward to if all it is is PROBLEMS? Marriage IS hard work, but to do it together, to not let it get to that breaking point is the key. Try to encourage HOW to make a marriage work instead of young marriages= doom.
Hmmm… is that what you got out of the post? I don't see that Sarah or Chad said that at all. I see they were just talking about their personal experience… but it could definitely be adapted universally for all ages.
My sister was 28 when she got married. She's actually experiencing a lot of what Sarah and Chad wrote about above… but then again, she's probably emotionally in her early twenties.
Wow, I whole heartedly agree with you!
Marriage is hard but some early 20 year olds are more mature spiritually and emotionally than some 30 year olds and are ready to get married.
I got married young and it's the best thing we could have ever done. Most people warned us that the 1st year was going to be super tough..but it isn't. But I also feel that I am more spiritually and emotionally mature than most my age.
I think that most people are not mature enought at such a young age to get married but I also don't think that you should discourage people from getting married young. Often the marriages that last the longest are the one's that got married very young.
I dunno, just my opinion. But yeah I would advise other college ageish students to just be very very cautious and to NOT enter into this eternal bond lightly!!
It was definitely true in our Grandparents time, and perhaps our parents time, that those who got married younger have the longest lasting marriages, but I'm not so sure that is still the case.
There are so many things that have changed, and so many new stressors that marriages generations ago didn't have to deal with. A single income family is definitely still possible now, but society is constantly telling us what we need to be happy, and that's often more stuff, or a bigger house, and that's always going to make it difficult for us to live the life we want, and avoid arguements with our spouse.
Replying to Whitney and also to Jami – our really big problems (with both of us, not just me) didn't really happen until about four years in.
At least with other couples we talk to, that seems to be kind of a typical time for problems. Even if you start out great.
Just wanted to make sure you guys knew that being that both of you seem to be newly married.
not everyone has issues like we did, but it's just a thing to keep your eyes opened for. the enemy will do everything he can to divide couples and families.
I'd also like to add that something also happens at around 7 years. That's why "they" (whoever they are) have named it the "seven year itch".
We've been married 7 years. And sometimes the itches that happen then are good
Just sayin'
Uhhhhmmmm…
hahahhaa!
i agree, whitney…marriage is HARD….and i don't think chad or sarah are saying that 'all it is is problems.' i'm not sure they are saying, either that they are discouraging young marriages….just that for them (and for us, too) it brought some problems. it might not bring problems for you, but it does for others……
sometimes getting to the 'breaking point' occurs right before our very eyes and sadly, we don't even see it happening. i wish i had a dollar for every time i said ' I will never let it get to this point or that point' when we were in the first few years of marriage…after 17 years, we've reached some of those points.
things happen AND God redeems the darkest places.
i feel confident that no one means to say that ' young marriages=doom.'
Well said!
I think Jenni may be on to something…or I totally missed something?
I'm always on to something… but I've usually almost always also missed something too. Just sayin'…
The real key here is relational, spiritual and emotional maturity. We are all so unique that we cannot generalize the right age for marriage. Some of us bet better with age and some get more self absorbed and selfish as we age. So age is not the only factor but often times it can be a key factor. What are we doing to grow and get more Christ like either as a single person or a married person.
I love the conversation that is taking place here.
Thanks for sharing Chad and Sarah! Thanks for pulling everyone together Justin.
Hmmm… you're handsome.
Great thoughts Brian…thanks for your help with this great discussion this week!
what i love about your story is that without all of it, even in its discomfort and sometimes dysfunction, youre here now. like jenni and brian…having an impact on other mariages. creating a safe place to share and be honest. all the "wish we wouldve" stuff has served to strengthen your marriage in beautiful ways.
Hmmm… you're pretty.
this would be our 'one' thing too. i agree. waiting might have been better for us….not that we wouldn't have gotten married if we waited….just matured more…….so, we matured together. and we survived~hopefully stronger together on the other end of it all…… somehow~we, too survived "an affair and almost-divorce." He is fully capable when we are not. so glad for that. great post guys. love the transparency.
Read your story and am amazed how often God directs the fallen to Psalm 51. When I hot rock bottom and was left sitting there alone I picked up my Bible and Psalm 51 is where I went. God telling me that I may have dug my way to rock bottom, but I wasn't alone and I didn't have to stay there.
Right there with you Paul…my life vest many, many times….
4-6 You're the One I've violated, and you've seen
it all, seen the full extent of my evil.
You have all the facts before you;
whatever you decide about me is fair.
I've been out of step with you for a long time,
in the wrong since before I was born.
What you're after is truth from the inside out.
Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.
Powerful! My verse was Lamentations 3….but I love Psalm 51
i read psalm 51 my first day "back" too. =)
Sam and I married in our late '20's – he had already been divorced, and I had experienced a 7 year relationship with another guy before moving to TN and meeting Sam. When it came to relationships, we felt we'd had a half a lifetime of experience.
So yes, the communication was there, the commitment was there…many of these described heartaches we didn't experience. BUT, we had the opposite issue – we were settled in our ways, we were stubborn, we had both already sacrificed things in our previous relationships that made us hesitate to do again. And we were often way too picky because of this. Our first year of marriage was difficult as we both had to work very hard to adjust our lives to accommodate this other person who was constantly in our way!!
But we that stubbornness along with our growing commitment to having God in our marriage gave us the patience to work through it – together.
So I guess, no matter what age you marry, there are always challenges to overcome in the early years.
Paula. i grew up with parents that had similar circumstances as you and your husband. I was able to see the strengths and the weaknesses in marrying later. thanks for sharing your struggles and strengths. i honestly didnt know that people got married young, and i think my childhood and high school relationships were less stressful because of it
Natalie – that's so good to hear of the positive influence it had on you. My parents did marry young, and so did one of my sisters….but I'nm naturally stubborn and refused to let anyone convince me to do something I didn't want to do.
I may not have been wise, per say, but definitely followed that little voice (the Holy Spirit) that made me run from a couple opportunities to marry young. There were definitely heartaches along the way as a result and many, many other stupid mistakes. But by the time God introduced Sam to me – I heard God say – literally – "he is why you are in TN". It's one of only 3 times in my life where I heard, without question, God's audible words to me. If it weren't for those experiences, along with the time to mature, I would not have been able to hear God as clear. As a result, we were engaged after 10 weeks and married within the year we met (I know, I know) and are loving life and marriage more than ever, now 9 years later.
I hope that our experience can benefit our son, as your parent's experience benefitted you.
Great thoughts Paula!
I have to agree with Chad and Sarah. My husband and I got married at 22 & 24, and we're now 24 & 26, and we had a more difficult first year than we had to, b/c we didn't invest as much as we could into developing ourselves first, and readying ourselves as future spouses. NOW, we also had the added stress of being a military family, and spending probably 40% of our first year apart. So when the guy comes home from work and just wants to relax and rest, and the girl just wants to talk about their day and everything under the sun, it was always exaggerated because he had a weeks worth of exhaustion, and I had a weeks worth of conversation saved up.
That said, I don't think that waiting a few more years until we were older would have necessarily made a difference. At least not the older part. More of an investment prior to getting married would have been helpful, but it wasn't entirely related to maturity for us. We needed an attitude adjustment and to learn to be selfless, and I'm not sure if aging a couple of years would have taught us that.
May I pose a daring question on this matter of "marrying young"?
I have had a few childhood friends admit that they married young as a result of the sexual pressure – or the sexual guilt if they had an intimate relationship before marriage.
How much of a role might this play in the decision to marry young – especially those who know the parameters that God provided when it comes to sex?
My husband and I got married at 20. We started dating at 17 in high school. Sexual pressure was definitely part of the reason, in all honesty. I know some people who dated for 8 years before marrying, and were able to wait. Wow! kudos to them
My parents strongly encouraged us to get married sooner rather than later. But they also paid for "pre-engagement" counseling. My father made that a requirement for his blessing on our engagement. I am so thankful he made that investment in our relationship. Taking a relationship from high school to college can sometimes cause immature patterns that were started early on to continue. We needed to learn to grow up and develop as individuals but stay together. That was pretty difficult!
For those who say the first year is the hardest-it wasn't true for us. Mostly because we had been together for a while, and went through a LOT of counseling that gave us the tools we need to keep up open communication.
For us we were also going to college in separate states and just ready to live life together. Also in response to Whitney and others that talked about emotional maturity, that had a lot to do with it. Looking at the other guys that were 20 years old at the time-NONE of them held any appeal to me. None seemed ready for that type of a commitment. My husband (I believe) is the exception, not the rule! We have been married for over a year and a half, and have a 2 month old little boy
One difficulty we are having now, that could have been avoided if we had married later is the job search. Now that we have both graduated from college-"We" are choosing his career, instead of him choosing it and inviting me to join him in his life. We are forging ahead together. He also has the pressure of having a child to support already as well! We are just thankful he was able to graduate in time (our son was born during his week of final exams!)
Garrett and I don't regret our decision (granted we are still really young!) But we recognize in some aspects we are doing things the hard way, as Sarah said-forced to grow up together. So far-hard but good. And thankful we got married when we did for several reasons, but recognize we have quite the journey ahead of us : )
We appreciate the honesty of difficulties to watch out for, and we are building our family on Christ (or trying our best!) and I'm constantly praying for our future
absolutely it does.
I'm pretty open about that when i talk about our journey. we really didn't want to keep waiting to have sex. this is one of the reasons why we got married young. absolutely.
insightful, paula. thanks for asking the question.
I think that for US waiting would have been much better. For us.
Yes, some couples get married young and make it work. I just think that even if a young person is on a healthy trajectory of maturity, in our current culture 19 and 20 is very young to get married. Not impossible, but more difficult.
I hear ya, sistah! I think your point is waiting doesn't hurt anything.
So many just want to get married because it means they've somehow "checked off" another box in their to-do's list. When it comes to marriage and purity… If you can wait… then it shows a lot more maturity and patience that you can later implement into you marriage.
Love you and Chad! Thank you again, for sharing your hearts with us.
Read this post early yesterday … loved it! I can agree with all of it & tell you our story is soooo similiar. Even as we read Sarah's story on her site, it was as if she could've been writing our story, with a couple minor details which were different. As she said, most marriages don't survive what we have went through. I am so thankful that we did survive & now we all have to opportunity to share the Hope we found with others! Keep sharing! =)
Thanks to Chad and Sarah for sharing their story and thanks to Justin and Trisha for this week of ONE THING posts.
"Wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self and the Cross before the future"…LOVE this! My husband and I got married young as well (22 and 19). I believe had we made the "larger payment up front", things could have been different for us. Our story has different addicitions-alcohol and co-dependency. Now that we are both currently in a Christian recovery program with stong mentors guiding us, Romans 8:28 has become real. Even the "bad" things are working out for the "good".
Thanks again for these posts! Looking forward to the rest of the week to see the restoration power of God!
Thank you Alison!
I like this: "Marriage is like any large purchase we make that requires financing over an extended period of time. The larger the payment and cost up front, the lower, and shorter, the payments are over the life of the ownership."
I got married young and I'm so glad that I did. We have weathered storms and celebrated joys over the years… together. In our relationship, it would have been simply agreeing to prolong adolescence if we hadn't gotten married. God has used marriage to mature us, refine us, and draw us closer to Him. I am so grateful for that.
I am not sure that life is necessarily "harder" when you get married, it's just different. People who have not found "the one" yet face hardships that I will never know. Life is just hard… and single or married, we need to pursue Jesus with all our hearts.
I guess I would just like to encourage that woman or man reading who is being discouraged from being married young. Every couple is different. Submitted your relationship to the Lord and follow His leading.
THANK YOU, Linda! You put to words what I have been thinking but not sure how to communicate. My husband and I were married at 19 and 21 … yes young, but as we look back now (17 years later) there are no regrets and we can even see God's hand all over it. If we had listend to many who "warned" us we were too young or tried to talk us out of it we would have been outright dissobeying God's call for our lives. But those last few words are the key … for our lives. I really don't think age is that big of a factor … it all boils down to commiting your life to the Lord, truly and wholy wanting to put others first and spending time in prayer and in the word to hear God's call on your life. This of corse applies to ALL of life, not just marriage, but it is especially important if you want to enjoy your marriage the way God intends. Marriage is not always easy, but then neither is life … this life lived on earth is a temporary and imperfect home … but we need to keep our eyes on "the prize" on Christ and on eternity.
Sarah and Chad, I am so sorry that some have chosen to focus one one small part of your post and not to really listen to your heart and your concern for marriage.
I love that you both are willing to I understand that marriage is tough. Daily it is a sacrifice. Daily we choose to give instead of receive. Marriage IS harder. It is way easier to live life single and selfish. But in marriage, we choose to live for the other person.
I love what you said, “We would have put wisdom before desire; sacrifice before self; the Cross before our future.”
Thank you for your wisdom and example!
I too got married young (19) but my husband was 25. Two years into our marriage he had an affair. We chose to stay the course and try to rebuild and we seemed to have done that. We celebrated 14 years of marriage 3 months ago, and now almost on the day he formerly told me of his affair, he told me last night that he doesn't know what the future holds.
To say that I was blindsided may be fairly accurate. I knew that something was up, the intimacy (not necessarily sexual) was not quite right, and I have been feeling many of the same feelings of being unwanted that I felt 12 years ago for a couple of weeks. However nothing prepared me for our conversation last night.
I KNOW that God can heal this! I KNOW that my marriage is in His capable hands! However, I also know that the next season of my life will be difficult. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I do know that I will do my best to protect our children, and that I need to invest more into our relationship… however I also know that we BOTH need to invest more into that relationship.
I have been reading the blogs of most of the couples that are posting this week for a while now, and I am encouraged. Thank you for your willingness to share your stories. Thank you for being examples that it can work out – it is hard, yes, but it can be done.
Neither of us are the same people we were when we made those vows, however I am hopeful that somewhere in the core of who we are there is still something is still there.
Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability… you are being used to bring hope and encouragement!
I got married at 28 my husband was 5 years older. We knew each other a short period of time before we got married (less than 1 year). Not only is growing up important but you can be older and not really know how someone is spiritually. My marriage has ended in divorce after trying everything for 10 years. I should have waited also. I was the oldest single in church and everyone kept asking "When is it your turn?" This article is so true in more ways than one. If God every puts someone in my life again, I will definitely not jump to quickly.