February 18, 2010 in Uncategorized with 90 Comments

One Thing: Part 4-Brent and Tammy

Have you ever met someone for the first time only to feel like you have known him or her your whole life? This has been our experience with Brent and Tammy. I (Trisha) first met them via Twitter but then had the opportunity to hang-out with them at the re:create conference here in Nashville.  They are both FUNNY, honest, loving and passionate about life. But what I love about them the most is that after 17 years of marriage they still are truly in love with each other! I don’t mean play the part well… I mean they love being together, dreaming together and playing together! I’m very excited to have them as our guest writers today. You can find their story of love and worship on their blogs:

Tammy’s Blog

Brent’s Blog

——————————————————————————————————-

to be honest…brent and i have thought for days now what to write about here. its not that there weren’t things we wished we would’ve known before we had gotten married, its just that we both come from such extreme different backgrounds.

i came into this relationship very wounded. i was a frightened little 19 year old girl, widowed little girl, with more secrets stuffed in the closet that the doors were about to burst open. i hid it well on the outside, but on the inside – the memories, the words, the guilt and the fear were eating my very spirit away.

so, how does that leave a young woman who is face to face with marriage and another, potential, mistake?

guarded.

it took years for brent to receive all of me…the whole of who i am. if i gave him too much it would leave me exposed and vulnerable and give him permission to trample over my fragile soul.

funny thing is, brent never gave me the impression that he couldn’t be trusted. not once did he act like he would hurt me. and although i knew this, still, deep within me resided a guarded fear. i was certain brent would snap one day and the castle would come tumbling down.

So, although I never “snapped”, Tammy had reason to be guarded. She had been deeply hurt. Wounds that would scar for life. The layers of life would have to be pealed away for me to know her. For me to see her.

As time went along, Tammy opened those layers to me. She exposed areas of her life that some will never choose to expose. She allowed me into her life, heart mind and soul. A beautiful union and example of a Godly marriage. I loved her more and adored her more because of it.

The thing was, I wasn’t honest with her. I chose to conceal things about my life. I chose to live compartmentalized. This perfect Baptist boy had secrets too. And, I never told her these things. She found them out. All through high school and into the beginning of our marriage, I looked at porn. Reasons are not important here. But, my dishonesty and ultimately choosing to keep it a secret is important. What Tammy did for me, was everything I should have done for her. Her honesty and desire for me to know her, led us to a deeper relationship. My dishonesty and hope of hiding my faults led us to a scary, dark place. It broke trust. It divided our home. And, if not for Tammy’s grace, it could have separated us for good.

Honesty. It’s easy to say, but hard to do. But as Tammy and I have grown together in relationship and communication, we have come to realize more and more, that honesty pays. Honesty opens. Honesty brings us together. Whether good news or bad. Whether successes or failures. Honesty builds trust and intimacy.

About Justin and Trisha:

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Talk about two people who are inspiring to others to be better for God and for their spouse. You guys rock.

    You know, there's a real common theme I see in so many stories like yours…porn. Not to go off on a rant here but it's amazing to me how many marriages have issues because of it but so many churches & Christians do everything to avoid talking about THAT problem.

    "Honesty builds trust and intimacy." That was one thing that my counselor hammered during my time in therapy for my porn addiction. You have to be honest or everything falls down. He once told me: "If you leave a dark shadow even in the corner of the room, Satan will eventually find a way to make the whole room dark." That's stuck with me.

    • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

      Thanks Jason! I believe it is beyond addiction as well.

      Addiction is so dark, but so is the justification of something simple. I know guys that only dabble once a month or every once in a while. None of it is healthy.

      In sexual sin, I personally do not believe there is a "moderate" amount. Unlike drinking, where we can have a beer and not get drunk, pornography takes us in immediately. The minute we look, we are drunk. There is no "one drink" in pornography. There is no value in even the little bit.

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

        I LOVE this comment…there is not a "moderate". I think so often with all kinds of sexual content, not just pornography, we think a little won't hurt. There is no "one drink" thought is totally awesome, Brent. I am stealing it and using it…I"ll give you credit for a while :)

        • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

          I take check or cash :)

      • cshell

        i'm assuming you don't watch TV then :) Love that take on it, so true.

        • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

          Ha :)

          In all seriousness though. Pornography is a very dark and horrid thing. The smut we see on TV is truly something that can lead us towards pornography. It is something that needs to be considered and a decision needs to be made as to how it affects and fills our lives.

          Sometimes its just good to turn the TV off…

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      thank you, jason.

      porn is definitely a big issue for men, and women. and not just outside the church. i agree, it needs to be addressed much more than it is now. im grateful our church does a good job with this topic with Celebrate Recovery.

    • Krista

      Great post, Brent. I really appreciate your candidness. I always find it incredibly encouraging to know that I wasn't the only person hiding a "shadow side" of myself in high school. It's a blessing to hear how God has worked in your life and marriage. In my mind, we'll always be 16, but I'm really glad we're not. =)

      • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

        Im glad we aren't as well :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    Talk about two people who are inspiring to others to be better for God and for their spouse. You guys rock.

    You know, there's a real common theme I see in so many stories like yours…porn. Not to go off on a rant here but it's amazing to me how many marriages have issues because of it but so many churches & Christians do everything to avoid talking about THAT problem.

    "Honesty builds trust and intimacy." That was one thing that my counselor hammered during my time in therapy for my porn addiction. You have to be honest or everything falls down. He once told me: "If you leave a dark shadow even in the corner of the room, Satan will eventually find a way to make the whole room dark." That's stuck with me.

    • http://brenthodge.com brent(inWorship)

      Thanks Jason! I believe it is beyond addiction as well.

      Addiction is so dark, but so is the justification of something simple. I know guys that only dabble once a month or every once in a while. None of it is healthy.

      In sexual sin, I personally do not believe there is a "moderate" amount. Unlike drinking, where we can have a beer and not get drunk, pornography takes us in immediately. The minute we look, we are drunk. There is no "one drink" in pornography. There is no value in even the little bit.

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

        I LOVE this comment…there is not a "moderate". I think so often with all kinds of sexual content, not just pornography, we think a little won't hurt. There is no "one drink" thought is totally awesome, Brent. I am stealing it and using it…I"ll give you credit for a while :)

        • http://brenthodge.com brent(inWorship)

          I take check or cash :)

      • cshell

        i'm assuming you don't watch TV then :) Love that take on it, so true.

        • http://brenthodge.com brent(inWorship)

          Ha :)

          In all seriousness though. Pornography is a very dark and horrid thing. The smut we see on TV is truly something that can lead us towards pornography. It is something that needs to be considered and a decision needs to be made as to how it affects and fills our lives.

          Sometimes its just good to turn the TV off…

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      thank you, jason.

      porn is definitely a big issue for men, and women. and not just outside the church. i agree, it needs to be addressed much more than it is now. im grateful our church does a good job with this topic with Celebrate Recovery.

    • Krista

      Great post, Brent. I really appreciate your candidness. I always find it incredibly encouraging to know that I wasn't the only person hiding a "shadow side" of myself in high school. It's a blessing to hear how God has worked in your life and marriage. In my mind, we'll always be 16, but I'm really glad we're not. =)

      • http://brenthodge.com brent(inWorship)

        Im glad we aren't as well :)

  • http://www.jenniclayville.com/ Jenni

    Brian and I are thankful for both of your friendship and all the time you two have invested into us. Your story has helped and will continue to help SO many.

    Thank you! LOVE you two… but mostly Tammitha!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      thank you, friend.

      i love you too, ching chong ding dong.

      • http://www.jenniclayville.com/ Jenni

        btw… brent spelled "peel" special. but that's what makes this post so BOTH of you ;)

        • http://brenthodge.com/ brent(inWorship)

          :)

  • http://www.jenniclayville.com Jenni

    Brian and I are thankful for both of your friendship and all the time you two have invested into us. Your story has helped and will continue to help SO many.

    Thank you! LOVE you two… but mostly Tammitha!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      thank you, friend.

      i love you too, ching chong ding dong.

      • http://www.jenniclayville.com Jenni

        btw… brent spelled "peel" special. but that's what makes this post so BOTH of you ;)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/pinkhairedgirl Crystal Renaud

    yours is an example of marriage i only hope to come close to emulating when i get married. thank you for your vulnerability and amazing friendship.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      crystal, thank you. we love you and pray that your perfect one will adore you like crazy! the way you should be adored. love you!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/pinkhairedgirl Crystal Renaud

    yours is an example of marriage i only hope to come close to emulating when i get married. thank you for your vulnerability and amazing friendship.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      crystal, thank you. we love you and pray that your perfect one will adore you like crazy! the way you should be adored. love you!

  • http://www.sarahmarkley.com/ Sarah Markley

    honesty.

    the most difficult thing, but also the most freeing. ah…

    well said, hodges. =)

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      stinks sometimes how the right thing is almost always the hardest. at least initially. but always worth it.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      It is a costly decision, to be honest…but it is a price worth paying as it is the only thing that pays you back down the road!

  • http://www.sarahmarkley.com Sarah Markley

    honesty.

    the most difficult thing, but also the most freeing. ah…

    well said, hodges. =)

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      stinks sometimes how the right thing is almost always the hardest. at least initially. but always worth it.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      It is a costly decision, to be honest…but it is a price worth paying as it is the only thing that pays you back down the road!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    "Honesty opens. Honesty brings us together. Whether good news or bad. Whether successes or failures. Honesty builds trust and intimacy." — Good stuff.

    Man, I'm ready for you two to move to NashVegas.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      well, will work for food and shelter there. k, brent will. i'll be home calming my frantic kids down from ripping them away from all theyve known. but theyd get over it, right? :?

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

        yea! can't wait. just let me know when ya'll land. we will take the kids to eat some pancakes and to see some live music and they'll be over it.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Agreed…we'll send the moving truck :)

      • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

        um. job? we need one of those first.

        but thanks for playing

        =D

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    "Honesty opens. Honesty brings us together. Whether good news or bad. Whether successes or failures. Honesty builds trust and intimacy." — Good stuff.

    Man, I'm ready for you two to move to NashVegas.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      well, will work for food and shelter there. k, brent will. i'll be home calming my frantic kids down from ripping them away from all theyve known. but theyd get over it, right? :?

      • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

        yea! can't wait. just let me know when ya'll land. we will take the kids to eat some pancakes and to see some live music and they'll be over it.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Agreed…we'll send the moving truck :)

      • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

        um. job? we need one of those first.

        but thanks for playing

        =D

  • http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/ gitz

    Here’s what I loved about what you and Brent wrote: it’s not just about marriage. It’s about all relationships. The people I am closest to in my life, I would have missed out on so much learning and growth and friendship if it would have been kept at a surface level. Honesty is freeing for the person talking, but it’s also a gift to the person listening.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      you are absolutely right. it does go beyond marriage. im thinking of a few friendships right now that ive had to be brutally honest with, and they with me, and we are the better because of it.

      truth wins out. every time.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      "Honesty is freeing for the person talking, but its also a gift to the person listening." I'm stealing that too! Such a rich statement! Thanks!

      • http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com/ gitz

        It's all yours :)

  • http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com gitz

    Here’s what I loved about what you and Brent wrote: it’s not just about marriage. It’s about all relationships. The people I am closest to in my life, I would have missed out on so much learning and growth and friendship if it would have been kept at a surface level. Honesty is freeing for the person talking, but it’s also a gift to the person listening.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      you are absolutely right. it does go beyond marriage. im thinking of a few friendships right now that ive had to be brutally honest with, and they with me, and we are the better because of it.

      truth wins out. every time.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      "Honesty is freeing for the person talking, but its also a gift to the person listening." I'm stealing that too! Such a rich statement! Thanks!

      • http://gitzengirl.blogspot.com gitz

        It's all yours :)

  • http://www.ricianne.com/ patricia

    thanks for sharing this story. =] your story has so much redemption.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      you are welcome, friend…

  • http://www.ricianne.com patricia

    thanks for sharing this story. =] your story has so much redemption.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      you are welcome, friend…

  • Mandy

    Just finding this blog today from the Markleys. Been searching for a while to find hope, answers…someone's story who is on the other side and living in victory. Struggling so hard with discovering my husband of 3 years has had 3 affairs and almost left me and our 2 baby daughters behind. Trying to place my hope in Christ and lean on Him. Very inspiring to read all of this-thank you, all, for sharing.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Mandy, Trisha and I read your comment tonight and our heart just broke for you. We hope our site and the blogs of the people who have written this week can be a resource for you. If we can do anything to serve you or your husband, please let us know. You are in our prayers!

      • Mandy

        Thank you for your encouragement and prayers! God is doing a powerful work in both our hearts and we are holding on for dear life. I hope that some day our story is a testimony to HIS glory, like yours is.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      mandy, i cant imagine going thru what youre going thru. im so sorry. along with justin and trish…we are praying for you. if theres anything we can do for you, please let us know.

  • Mandy

    Just finding this blog today from the Markleys. Been searching for a while to find hope, answers…someone's story who is on the other side and living in victory. Struggling so hard with discovering my husband of 3 years has had 3 affairs and almost left me and our 2 baby daughters behind. Trying to place my hope in Christ and lean on Him. Very inspiring to read all of this-thank you, all, for sharing.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Mandy, Trisha and I read your comment tonight and our heart just broke for you. We hope our site and the blogs of the people who have written this week can be a resource for you. If we can do anything to serve you or your husband, please let us know. You are in our prayers!

      • Mandy

        Thank you for your encouragement and prayers! God is doing a powerful work in both our hearts and we are holding on for dear life. I hope that some day our story is a testimony to HIS glory, like yours is.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      mandy, i cant imagine going thru what youre going thru. im so sorry. along with justin and trish…we are praying for you. if theres anything we can do for you, please let us know.

  • http://cheskafaith.wordpress Franchesca

    "funny thing is, brent never gave me the impression that he couldn’t be trusted. not once did he act like he would hurt me. and although i knew this, still, deep within me resided a guarded fear. i was certain brent would snap one day and the castle would come tumbling down."

    This could have been my writing (not as eloquent and exchange "Tom" for "Brent'). Powerful. Thank you for your transparency it is so encouraging.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      it makes you think how much our actions effect others. how powerful and long lasting they are…good OR bad. all the injustices in my childhood, the poor decision as a teen, couldve easily destroyed what i have today with brent…all because i was programmed to be afraid of him.

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  • http://allm92.wordpress.com/ Heidi

    Wow… an incredible post. I copy and pasted into an email and sent it to someone who really needed this …. me. Honesty is also being honest with ourselves to say " dang it, I need this, or I hate this, or this really gets my groove on" I need to be honest and stop pretending. Be of action and not reactionary. Sometimes our "health" depends on it. Thank you Love, Thanks B. You guys rock me each every time yoy peel back a layer. Great teachers, awesome friends!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      "Sometimes our "health" depends on it"

      you and i know this much to be true.

      love you, sis!

  • http://allm92.wordpress.com Heidi

    Wow… an incredible post. I copy and pasted into an email and sent it to someone who really needed this …. me. Honesty is also being honest with ourselves to say " dang it, I need this, or I hate this, or this really gets my groove on" I need to be honest and stop pretending. Be of action and not reactionary. Sometimes our "health" depends on it. Thank you Love, Thanks B. You guys rock me each every time yoy peel back a layer. Great teachers, awesome friends!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      "Sometimes our "health" depends on it"

      you and i know this much to be true.

      love you, sis!

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  • http://www.InteriorGal.com/ Anita

    I am a big compartmentalizer. The Queen! It is how I have managed alot of pain and feelings for so many years. When Cary and I started dating that was one thing that he really wanted me to work on. More than anything he wanted me to be honest with him and my feelings and just be open. It is so hard to be open and vunerable and that honest but I can tell you it has strengthened our relationship and mine with my Lord.

    • http://www.refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

      Great words Anita! I think so many people struggle with that!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      amen! its proof how freeing honesty is. the thing that kept me from being honest with brent for so long was my fear of rejection. fortunately…he surprised me. im grateful your marriage is stronger too!

  • http://www.InteriorGal.com Anita

    I am a big compartmentalizer. The Queen! It is how I have managed alot of pain and feelings for so many years. When Cary and I started dating that was one thing that he really wanted me to work on. More than anything he wanted me to be honest with him and my feelings and just be open. It is so hard to be open and vunerable and that honest but I can tell you it has strengthened our relationship and mine with my Lord.

    • http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Great words Anita! I think so many people struggle with that!

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com tam

      amen! its proof how freeing honesty is. the thing that kept me from being honest with brent for so long was my fear of rejection. fortunately…he surprised me. im grateful your marriage is stronger too!

  • http://allm92.wordpress.com/ Heidi

    "You guys rock me each every time yoy peel back a layer"

    You guys rock me each and every time you peel back a layer

  • http://allm92.wordpress.com Heidi

    "You guys rock me each every time yoy peel back a layer"

    You guys rock me each and every time you peel back a layer

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  • Franchesca

    "funny thing is, brent never gave me the impression that he couldn’t be trusted. not once did he act like he would hurt me. and although i knew this, still, deep within me resided a guarded fear. i was certain brent would snap one day and the castle would come tumbling down." This could have been my writing (not as eloquent and exchange "Tom" for "Brent'). Powerful. Thank you for your transparency it is so encouraging.

    • http://kassota.wordpress.com/ tam

      it makes you think how much our actions effect others. how powerful and long lasting they are…good OR bad. all the injustices in my childhood, the poor decision as a teen, couldve easily destroyed what i have today with brent…all because i was programmed to be afraid of him.