You Are Not Alone
About 6 weeks before the affair started, I was sitting next to a creek with a great friend. He was talking to me about some issues that he and his wife were going through. He wasn’t an emotional guy by nature, not the type of guy to open up easily. Yet, here he was being vulnerable, honest, transparent. He was admitting that he didn’t have it all together. He and his wife had helped us start the church, and this conversation represented my vision of “community” that I’d been talking about since the church began. Life on life…messy…raw…honest.
In that moment, talking to my friend, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me and tell me “He is safe. You can talk to him. You can be honest. You can be real. You can tell him of your struggles. You can tell him of your marriage issues. This is your chance to come clean.” At the same time, another voice in my head, one that I had listened to for years, told me “If you share anything with him, he can ruin you. If you talk about the pornography, if you talk about the lust, if you talk about your marriage issues, you will lose it all.”
I felt all alone. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on inside of me, or I’d lose everything. So by holding it all in, I lost it all.
I know this post isn’t for everyone…but it is for SOMEONE. No matter what you’ve done, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what thoughts you have had, or what web sites you’ve gone to…YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The enemy of your heart wants to convince you that you are the only one, that no one else has been there, no one would understand, and if you get real, if you are honest, it will destroy you.
I’m not here to tell you that confessing whatever it is that holds you prisoner won’t destroy you…I’m not here to tell you it won’t cost you…I’m not here to say that if you confess your junk things will be okay in your marriage, in your ministry, in your relationships. I am here to tell you that you won’t have to wake up tomorrow and pretend to be who you are pretending to be right now. I am saying that the freedom that you long for is on the other side of brokenness and honesty and confession. I am telling you that the price you are paying by staying in bondage is far greater than the price you will pay if you share the dark parts of you heart.
I spent 15 years believing the lie that being honest about my struggles would cost me everything…and that lie cost me everything.
My prayer for you is that you have more courage and greater faith than I had and believe me when I say to you that you are not alone.
24 Comments to “You Are Not Alone”
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A great follow-up to yesterday. Thanks.
Thank you Lindsey!
I can't seem to get this part of a song out of my head since the first time I heard it almost a year ago…
"And I, have wasted so much time, pretending I'm not lying about who I am"
Pretty much sums me up…
But, please let me remind you that God is a God of redemption…and I can't get those 15 years back, and neither can you…but they don't define me. They empower me to never go back…to always be real…to always pay the price. That is my hope for you!
I'm going to stop blogging and just point my domain over here. Sheesh man…you're making it hard on the rest of us!
You're too kind…but you know its all God and not me!
Thanks shep. Posts like this could make you one of the most understood or mis-understood people in the church. As for me I get it. Thanks for risking for us.
Thank you Gene!
[...] You Are Not Alone by Justin at Refine Us Marriage Ministry is a must read for everyone. [...]
All the years I was married I lived a lie , not being able to be real and honest in my relationship, and in the end I lost it all anyway. Hind site… maybe I could have saved it by voicing my struggles and being honest. I don't want to live under that bondage ever again…its honesty all the way!
So proud of you Pam! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for sharing this! We need to hear this! I was headed straight to this place you are describing and thankfully, the Lord surrounded me with a handful of trusting girlfriends…every once in awhile the embarassement of my sin still overwhelms me and the fact the someone else knows……(darn enemy) But Praise the Lord, I am set FREE!! Thanks again!
Praise God, Tracy! So glad that your path has been redirected!
I'm being more transparent than I want to be but feel very strongly that I should not post this anonymously….my dear hubs has been thrown under the bus by church leadership and his own Dad in the issue of sex addiction. He still struggles and we have changed churches, thankfully. I am so ready for him to find complete healing, but I know he has to do the hard work for that, I can't do it for him.
Thank you for your heart of love for many!
I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing right now. So often, and I am not saying this is the case, the people that are quick to judge are the people that haven't come to terms with their own sin and faults. We are praying for you.
Isn't it interesting how we will invite a "reformed murderer" to testify of God's grace while stoning the sexual sinner?
That's not what Jesus taught us…
BLUEGOOSE: I am so thankful that you are standing, and fighting, right beside your husband. One day he will know fully what a treasure you are! May God strengthen and bless you!
Thank you for this, Justin.
Thank you Grant!
Thanks Grant!
I discovered that my husband has been living a lie for a few years when I discovered his affair. He continued to lie to me about the affair saying it wasn't true…until his mistress told me. He then confessed.
I can see that he is relieved that his secret is out in the light…he has begun sex addiction therapy and we are going to marriage counseling. He is still suffering consequences from his lie but God is taking his mess and slowly making a miracle out of it. Thank God.
The brokeness, shame and guilt the truth has brought upon him has been a blessing. He is now praying and reading his bible again, and seeking treatment for his problem…that is a miracle! This is a man that has pretended to be near perfect for years!
It is so nice to see him being honest with me and himself. It's only been a couple of weeks since he started his sex addiction program and I can already see a change in him.
Your site gives me hope that we can weather this storm, and that I can someday soon truly forgive him.
God Bless
Rhonda,
Wow…the journey that you both are on is one that is painful and long…but I am so grateful your husband is embracing this and owning it. My guess is that you won't recognize the person that comes out on the other side of this as God recreates his heart, mind and soul. We are praying for you, grateful that we have been able to give you a glimpse of hope.
The bondage of a lie is damaging to the soul and you earthly body. To be forgiven we must first confess our sins. There are consequences but I will take that over bondage any day. I am forgiven and free and God equips me to deal with my consequences every day and I am not alone anymore! : ) Confession puts you on the way to healing.I have found this to be a much better place to be.
I love how you say you are forgiven and free. A lot of people allow God to forgive them, but don't experience freedom because they don't forgive themselves!
Thanks shep. Posts like this could make you one of the most understood or mis-understood people in the church. As for me I get it. Thanks for risking for us.