Affair Proofing Your Marriage
A few weeks ago, Trisha did a powerful post on 5 Things to Do When Your Spouse Has Had An Affair. I wrote a post on 5 Things You Must Do When You’ve Had An Affair. While we know that part of our ministry is to help couples who are in marital crisis, our heart beats just as much for marriages that haven’t experienced infidelity. We hope to provide resources for couples that help them prevent the destruction of their marriage.
With that said, we wanted to share today what we believe to be key decisions in preventing an affair (emotional, physical, virtual) in your marriage.
- Pray consistently with and for each other
- Carve out time to talk and dream together
- Have sex AT LEAST once per week
We have talked to couples that haven’t been intimate with one another in over 6 months, sometimes a year. This is a huge issue you need to resolve.
- Extinguish Fatal Attractions
If you are feeling an attraction to someone other than your spouse, tell your spouse. That confession will cost you something, but not nearly as much as hiding it.
- Confess temptations and struggles
- Commit to choose what’s right and not what’s easy
- It’s easy to go to bed mad
- It’s easy to avoid talking about a struggle
- It’s easy to see your spouse as the enemy
- It’s easy to compromise time together
- It’s easy to not set moral boundaries
- It’s easy to not resolve conflict
- It’s easy to hide rather than live in truth
Choose to do what’s right, not just what’s easy.
We know that we haven’t created an exhaustive list here. What would you add to this that we can all learn from?
17 Comments to “Affair Proofing Your Marriage”
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This will probably make the Dave Ramsey devotees cringe and yell but I would add that you need to do something fun with your spouse on a regular basis. A "date night" where you do something that's enjoyable for both of you. It doesn't have to cost money…a walk in the park, etc….but don't be afraid to spend $10 on some picnic foods at the grocery store and have a picnic together. Those moments can help defuse building stress and allow you to grow closer.
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They won't cringe too much, Ramsey actually advocates for money for this sort of thing.
My recent post A little interruption to the resolutions…
Great thoughts Jason…we do budget for date nights too. Great add.
Good one.Date nights are great! Date lunches during the middle of the work week are great too! You get a chance to talk to your spouse when things are fresh on your mind. It helps bridge the gap between work and home. I love my Tuesday dates with my husband. It is a protected time and helps us stay connected.
I am not married yet but I do have a girlfriend of almost 2 years now. God willing we will be married and this site has helped me to understand what it actually takes to have a good godly marriage/relationship. It so easy to get caught up in the "love," but there is so much more to focus on. Thank you for your obedience even though it may cause you disconfort.
Frank…that is awesome…thanks so much for sharing. We want this blog to not be a blog for married people, but a blog for people…all people. So your comment means so much.
Return to "dating"…send texts, make unnecessary phone calls, send notes, buy small unnecessary gifts throughout the day/week.
LOVE It. This has made such a huge difference in our life.
You can not stress this enough. too many people think they could never have an affair, but every single person who slipped, felt the exact same way. this is how it happens.
I don't think any Christian man (or woman) sets out to be unfaithful. Over time they have taken a series of little steps away from God, giving the enemy a foothold to speak lies into their life as they move farther and farther down a sinful path.
Tom, you are so right. No one stands at the altar hoping to be unfaithful…it is a slow fade.
Perhaps they are disappointed with how their life has turned out; harboring and nurturing resentment over unmet needs – "my husband is a thoughtless jerk," or "my wife doesn't appreciate me" and the enemy whispers, "You deserve better than this."
Along comes an attentive, attractive co-worker or a helpful, understanding neighbor, and soon they are daydreaming about how much happier they would be with someone else other than the horrible spouse God gave them. Sometimes it is just someone giving you attention at just the right time.
A flirty comment or a lingering look or touch, and the Holy Spirit convicts them, but the enemy says, "God doesn't want you to be happy," and they push God away thinking "I'm not doing anything wrong." Now they're miserable under conviction and the enemy says, "Your spouse is making your life miserable."
Pretty soon all the lies have drowned out the truth and they're unable to stand firm against temptation because our help comes from the Lord (who they've pushed away). Now they're entangled in such a sinful mess, they can't find a way out of the darkness. The longer this goes on, the harder it is to stop. The guilt grows until you are too afraid to confess, and running from your marriage seems like your only option.
So true Tom…thank you for sharing.
Pray daily that you children will know and live for Christ and imagine what your wrong living could do to harm that.
Communicate with your spouse the way they can receive it, not the way you think it should be. Learn their love language. Mine is acts of service. You would be amazed at how excited I can get when I come home and the dishwasher is empty or some other chore I have wanted done is finished. When you speak the right language it is much easier to communicate and everyone is happier. : )
I would also add – Speak encouraging words mutiple times daily. Everyone needs to hear words of encouragement. We are drawn to it. So it is natural to be drawn to those who make you feel special and important. Make your spouse feel special and important or something or someone else will and that is where it all begins…..
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This is kind of a "don't", but – Think very, very carefully before saying anything negative about your spouse or marriage to anyone else.
If it's someone of the same gender who might give foolish advice, gossip, or fan your anger/frustration, that's a mistake.
If it's someone of the opposite gender, that is a HUGE mistake unless they are a pastor or counselor acting in their official capacity AND they are not the object of your attraction.
I have had very close friends of the opposite gender, and years later I realize that was a mistake and a disaster waiting to happen. However, there were a number of boundaries that I think prevented anything serious from happening, and this is one of them.
Great word Carrie! I totally agree with you!