Incomprehensible (Lindsey Nobles)

We are honored to have Lindsey Nobles sharing today. If you haven’t read her blog, it is a must read. Our prayer is that her words speak to your heart.

You can find Lindsey’s blog here: I’m Just Saying

Follow her on Twitter: Lindsey Nobles

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When I was younger, my friends and I loved to play this game “MASH.” I know, it sounds like a war game, but it was far from that. MASH was a game where your future was randomly laid out for you: what kind of home you’d have (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House), who you were going to marry, how many kids you would have, what kind of car you’d drive, what kind of job you’d hold. Worst-case scenario you’d drive a mini-van and live in a shack with Arnold, the dorky guy from algebra class, raising eight kids and struggling to make ends meet as a librarian.

Looking back, the peculiar thing about MASH is that being a single child-less Volvo-driving Corporate Communications Director was never an option. Because being single at 33 was just plain incomprehensible.

Candidly some days I wake up and it still feels a little incomprehensible. I wake up thinking, “Is this my life?”

Don’t get me wrong. I have a good great life. I have friends, a lot of interesting and loyal friends. I have a supportive family. I travel. I have the cutest dog on the planet. I have a challenging but stable job. I feel loved.

But still this is not the life I envisioned myself living.

Over the years, I have dated a handful of boys seriously. And each relationship was filled with its own set of problems, its own dose of dysfunction. As the song goes “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated…” Sometimes they were to blame. Sometimes I was to blame.

In each relationship. I allowed a level of intimacy that I feel was inappropriate. In each relationship, I gave an undeserving suitor too much of myself, too much of my heart. In each relationship, I fell for the temptation of letting what was good become what was ultimate. As each relationship ended, I walked away feeling hurt, betrayed, disappointed, and alone.
In the last couple of years, I have really been through a heart transformation. Today I am hoping and praying to find something, someone, different. To find something, someone, right for me. To find something, someone, who will lead and encourage me on my journey with God through life.

But my years of dysfunctional relationships, leave me grappling with questions. Questions that are hard to voice. Questions I feel stupid asking.

What does a healthy dating relationship when you are in your late twenties or thirties look like?
What is an appropriate level of intimacy?
Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?

Yet in the midst of my questions and confusion, I am 100% confident that He has me right where he wants me. And that His plan for me, albeit incomprehensible at times, is carefully crafted and sure to be full of wondrous surprises.