Incomprehensible (Lindsey Nobles)
We are honored to have Lindsey Nobles sharing today. If you haven’t read her blog, it is a must read. Our prayer is that her words speak to your heart.
You can find Lindsey’s blog here: I’m Just Saying
Follow her on Twitter: Lindsey Nobles
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When I was younger, my friends and I loved to play this game “MASH.” I know, it sounds like a war game, but it was far from that. MASH was a game where your future was randomly laid out for you: what kind of home you’d have (Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House), who you were going to marry, how many kids you would have, what kind of car you’d drive, what kind of job you’d hold. Worst-case scenario you’d drive a mini-van and live in a shack with Arnold, the dorky guy from algebra class, raising eight kids and struggling to make ends meet as a librarian.
Looking back, the peculiar thing about MASH is that being a single child-less Volvo-driving Corporate Communications Director was never an option. Because being single at 33 was just plain incomprehensible.
Candidly some days I wake up and it still feels a little incomprehensible. I wake up thinking, “Is this my life?”
Don’t get me wrong. I have a good great life. I have friends, a lot of interesting and loyal friends. I have a supportive family. I travel. I have the cutest dog on the planet. I have a challenging but stable job. I feel loved.
But still this is not the life I envisioned myself living.
Over the years, I have dated a handful of boys seriously. And each relationship was filled with its own set of problems, its own dose of dysfunction. As the song goes “I’ve been cheated, been mistreated…” Sometimes they were to blame. Sometimes I was to blame.
In each relationship. I allowed a level of intimacy that I feel was inappropriate. In each relationship, I gave an undeserving suitor too much of myself, too much of my heart. In each relationship, I fell for the temptation of letting what was good become what was ultimate. As each relationship ended, I walked away feeling hurt, betrayed, disappointed, and alone.
In the last couple of years, I have really been through a heart transformation. Today I am hoping and praying to find something, someone, different. To find something, someone, right for me. To find something, someone, who will lead and encourage me on my journey with God through life.
But my years of dysfunctional relationships, leave me grappling with questions. Questions that are hard to voice. Questions I feel stupid asking.
What does a healthy dating relationship when you are in your late twenties or thirties look like?
What is an appropriate level of intimacy?
Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?
Yet in the midst of my questions and confusion, I am 100% confident that He has me right where he wants me. And that His plan for me, albeit incomprehensible at times, is carefully crafted and sure to be full of wondrous surprises.
I could have written this post myself…or in other words, you could be writing it about me. I just turned 35 this month, and find myself with those same questions and so many more: do I need a man in my life? Is that the path He has chosen for me? I too am happy with my single life…but wonder. I have faith it'll all be revealed for me on His time though.
Nice to feel understood. Thank you!
Lindsey, 1 word, 3 syllables… A-MAZ-ING! I can completely relate to this. God is faithful even when where we find ourselves is "incomprehensible". Thank you so much for sharing your heart! You have encouraged me today.
My recent post I’m Getting My $7 Worth
Thank you Grant. Felt good to get it off my chest.
First, Lindsey's blog IS must-read. Seriously.
:"Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?"
The answer to both of those is Y-E-S, Linds (can I call you Linds? How about Lynds? How about Lindo Calrissian?) If we weren't to allow ourselves to hang onto dreams that haven't come true yet I wouldn't be going to my first writer's conference at age 39.
I rushed into a marriage in my mid-20s because I felt like no one would ever love me and I had to marry the girl who was paying me attention. After all, I hadn't had a girlfriend in six years so I better marry the one I've got now. I have two wonderful kids because of that union but I'm also divorced with a ton of pain and baggage from it. It's better to wait on God, seek Him and don't push anything outside where you feel Him leading you to go.
Trust me. It's better to wait and do it right.
My recent post Electronic worth
First, Lindsey's blog IS must-read. Seriously.
:"Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?"
The answer to both of those is Y-E-S, Linds (can I call you Linds? How about Lynds? How about Lindo Calrissian?) If we weren't to allow ourselves to hang onto dreams that haven't come true yet I wouldn't be going to my first writer's conference at age 39.
I rushed into a marriage in my mid-20s because I felt like no one would ever love me and I had to marry the girl who was paying me attention. After all, I hadn't had a girlfriend in six years so I better marry the one I've got now. I have two wonderful kids because of that union but I'm also divorced with a ton of pain and baggage from it. It's better to wait on God, seek Him and don't push anything outside where you feel Him leading you to go.
Trust me. It's better to wait and do it right.
My recent post Electronic worth
First, Lindsey's blog IS must-read. Seriously.
:"Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one?"
The answer to both of those is Y-E-S, Linds (can I call you Linds? How about Lynds? How about Lindo Calrissian?) If we weren't to allow ourselves to hang onto dreams that haven't come true yet I wouldn't be going to my first writer's conference at age 39.
I rushed into a marriage in my mid-20s because I felt like no one would ever love me and I had to marry the girl who was paying me attention. After all, I hadn't had a girlfriend in six years so I better marry the one I've got now. I have two wonderful kids because of that union but I'm also divorced with a ton of pain and baggage from it. It's better to wait on God, seek Him and don't push anything outside where you feel Him leading you to go.
Trust me. It's better to wait and do it right.
My recent post Electronic worth
Thanks Jason!
Dear Lindsey,
Well, shoot a monkey. I had the greatest. comment. ever. written and ready to post, and when I signed in with my WP login, it all went away.
I was you, 20 years ago. I never imagined I would be in my 30's with no husband and no children. I gave myself to men who didn't deserve me, trying to force the situation and make marriage happen. When I was about to turn 35, being alone for quite a while, I took stock of my life. I had a super church family, alot of close girlfriends, health, a good job, the freedom to travel and spend money as I wanted. I literally threw up my hands to God and said, "This marriage thing. It's Yours." I open my hands and gave it to him, asking that he show me what he wanted me to do with all these pieces of my life. What was I supposed to be learning? For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace, content and happy, enjoying what I had and the life I was living.
About 8 months later, I met my husband. We will be married 18 years in April. It has been a tough marriage. There have been many many times that I have questioned and begged and wept to God to tell me why he would put me in such a situation. Again, I started looking for the lessons to be learned. And I hesitantly, quietly began to see how God was shaping me. As metal on the anvil. As gold being refined. Ouch! There is quite a bit of pain associated with both of those examples. I began to see that every lesson in my life pre-marriage, was preparation for what was to come in marriage. Stepping stone after stepping stone lined the pathway to the point where I am standing today.
Is it the marriage I intended and wanted? No. Is it the marriage that my friends have? No. (And who knows what kind of marriage they really have behind closed doors?) Is it the marriage I have? Yes. And slowly, slowly, (sometimes gindingly) slowly, we are becoming one. I continue to search and beg for help in lessons learned, and He continues to hold me, to walk beside me, to heal me, to mature me.
You are a daughter of the King, you are precious in His sight, you are worthy. Prayerfully, somewhere a man is being prepared for you. A man with a mature heart who's intent is to respect you, to treasure you, to walk with you towards a heavenly goal. In the meantime, open your mind, your hands and your heart to the lessons trying to be taught. If and when the time comes for you to marry, you will be such a blessing to your husband. And if that is not the plan, I know, just know, He has your best interest at heart and will not leave you behind.
To read my philosophy of living, read Part 1 http://wp.me/pyCBa-sy and Part 2 http://wp.me/pyCBa-sS.
I' m following you now so I can see what's going on with you. Take care.
In His Love,
LoneStarLifer
Paula
Paula,
Don't you hate that?
Faith is an amazing thing. It's funny I was chatting with a friend yesterday and telling him how amazing to be in the future and look back and understand God's plan for the current season he is in. Was so easy to say to someone else just need to have that faith about my plan.
Thanks for the encouraging words!
You could change a few facts in your post and it would be me. You write the things that I can't. I have much of the same sentiment, but if I try to say it, it becomes disjointed. I love how you help me bring some of the pieces of my brain together. Thanks for writing these hard posts.
My recent post LA Bound
Thank Kate.
Lindsey, __Thanks for the encouragement. I wish I had this kind of encouragement speaking into my life three years ago. ____But, life can change so fast. Two years ago I met and became engaged to the woman I would marry last year! And, in just two months, we'll be parents for the first time!__Maybe all that time being single was growing me and preparing me for becoming a husband & father in under 2 years time! …whew.
Awesome to hear your story!
So appreciate your post… i was single for a long time and asked many of these questions. thanks for your authenticity and transparency in this post…
My recent post Brokenness is not Optional
Thanks Jenny!
Incomprehensible is a good title for your post. That's really what it is. I look at some of my friends now almost with teenage children. That freaks me OUT! But, I feel lucky that I didn't get married at a young age, like I wanted. I know I would be divorced, I have changed dramatically. I can see God's work in my life, and I know His plan is way bigger than mine.
His plan is Incomprehensible!
I know. Incomprehensible is not necessarily a bad thing…
Love this…
God is Wondrous Lindsey. Truly. You must hang on to that fact that He DOES have you EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. Just wait on Him in obedience. He knows the desires of your heart.
That is what keeps me going.
I can so relate to "incomprehensible" I never saw divorce coming…I didn't want to be the first one, nor the second one in my entire extended family, yet decades later I am the mom and step mom I am…..
and yet, the time and relationships had their purpose in God's economy for my life…it just wasn't a line I was wishing to experience.
Lindsey, you are the one God loves…and I can't agree more with His choices to love you….you.are.amazing.
My recent post The Best Made Plans…
Thanks Sweetie!
so Lindsey, change one thing… i'm 32, not 33… and this could be my current story. i appreciate your honesty and openness. i have some of the same questions. i have girlfriends who seem extremely impatient and even hopeless about the whole marriage thing, but i have never been that girl. i was single for 6 years before my last relationship and i didn't worry then and i'm not worried now (we were together 9 months & ended it a couple months ago), but i still have questions and curiosity and i wonder… hmmm? How? When?
i am appreciative for the love in my life and even for the goofy guys that came along and tried to love me, but just didn't make any sense. i have a full life, but i desire partnership. i don't like doing life on my own. i want to be a partner to someone and i want someone to partner with me. i deeply desire the intimacy that comes with that. it's great having a roommate, because there is someone familiar to debrief with, eat with, chill with, have deep talks with, all that good stuff… but i desire intimacy within a covenant relationship. So i hear you chica and God hears you and all creation hears you.
Thanks again for sharing;)
yeah, the partnership is what i long for…maybe, someday?
I gotta say….having been married before and in many not so great relationships, it feels like God just isn't there or in it. I met my husband at church after getting out of an awful, awful, awful relationship after only finally having enough and DARING God (literally) to show me a real man. Next thing you know, there he was. We had our 7 months wedding anniversary yesterday and I cannot imagine not letting God run this crazy life. Hang in there. We each have a season of learning and growing where God is preparing our hearts and that of our mate. He will bless you beyond measure….PROMISE.
Thank you for your honesty today!
My recent post 7 months ago today….
I gotta say….having been married before and in many not so great relationships, it feels like God just isn't there or in it. I met my husband at church after getting out of an awful, awful, awful relationship after only finally having enough and DARING God (literally) to show me a real man. Next thing you know, there he was. We had our 7 months wedding anniversary yesterday and I cannot imagine not letting God run this crazy life. Hang in there. We each have a season of learning and growing where God is preparing our hearts and that of our mate. He will bless you beyond measure….PROMISE.
Thank you for your honesty today!
My recent post 7 months ago today….
I gotta say….having been married before and in many not so great relationships, it feels like God just isn't there or in it. I met my husband at church after getting out of an awful, awful, awful relationship after only finally having enough and DARING God (literally) to show me a real man. Next thing you know, there he was. We had our 7 months wedding anniversary yesterday and I cannot imagine not letting God run this crazy life. Hang in there. We each have a season of learning and growing where God is preparing our hearts and that of our mate. He will bless you beyond measure….PROMISE.
Thank you for your honesty today!
My recent post 7 months ago today….
I gotta say….having been married before and in many not so great relationships, it feels like God just isn't there or in it. I met my husband at church after getting out of an awful, awful, awful relationship after only finally having enough and DARING God (literally) to show me a real man. Next thing you know, there he was. We had our 7 months wedding anniversary yesterday and I cannot imagine not letting God run this crazy life. Hang in there. We each have a season of learning and growing where God is preparing our hearts and that of our mate. He will bless you beyond measure….PROMISE.
Thank you for your honesty today!
My recent post 7 months ago today….
my life turned out nothing like MASH ever predicted. divorced, living with someone else's family, and driving a borrowed car were never options i ever would have imagined.
i wrestle with the tension of living out what once seemed incomprehensible and trusting that His dreams for me are greater than i can fathom. i want His "incomprehensibles", even though i fight them in the process.
My recent post write now
oh dear. this keeps happening to me. THAT comment was from ME! (i didn't realize all the places Tracee had logged in when she borrowed my comp earlier! sorry for the confusion!)
My recent post write now
amen! (to your comment as tracee)
Such an honest post! And I'm rowing in the boat right beside you. 33 – still single – still wondering if that'll change. And definitely wondering what a relationship in your early 30's should look like for a Christian.
God is good and I have to trust His heart but I do so wish sometimes that I could see some of the strands coming together in some area!
-Gina
My recent post Change
i know…if we could just KNOW that it was all going to work out for us. the funny thing is that is the one thing we should KNOW.
Lindsey, I've been married since I was 23 years old, and in the last 14 years many of my most desired MASHes have come true. Yet I've also experienced the incomprehensible. (You can read my story here if you'd like: http://tinyurl.com/ycl3tuk) It seems that just like Job (who undoubtedly had the most incomprehensible story in history) we best learn about who we are, who God is, and that we are called to trust Him no matter through hard things. And His glory is also at stake. No matter what decisions you've made in the past, or what boundaries you wished you'd have observed (and every single person has regrets!), you are glorifying Him now. And who knows what kind of influence you are having even this very day – again for His glory. So Praise God. Your candor and authenticity are magnetic, as is your heart for pleasing God. Blessings on you for all of it.
My recent post Hebrews 9: Forgiveness
thank you Kristie!
Lindsey you so beautifully expressed the sentiments in my own heart. I am 37!! and still single (talk about feeling old). I have never been one of those people who live with an acute awareness that I am single but I have my moments and in those moments I wrestle with the idea that something is wrong with me, that somehow I am not good enough to be trusted with the gift of marriage. Other times I am so content that I tell God I"m okay if this is how its going to be from now on but every time I hear in my heart that marriage and children ARE a part of His plan of me. So I keep waiting and I keep trusting. Trusting that His plans for me are for good; trusting that His ways are higher than my ways; and trusting that He trusts me to be patient and wait on Him. It is not easy but God has proven Himself so faithful in so many other areas of my life that it feels wrong to not trust Him in this area too. I will definitely keep you in my prayers as we row these uncertain waters together.
i am the same way…good days where if feel total appreciation for my singleness and bad days when it just doesn't seem fair. thankfully most of the days are good days…and thankfully even in the bad days God is there working for our good.
well Linds… if there's one thing i love about you it's how you live your life with such honesty and transparency. You're a great woman, a great friend and i really appreciate what you have written here. life's little timings are always a mystery to me.
your words mean so much. thank you. i appreciate you. lots.
Wow. Just wow. I love the brutal honesty of this.
I can't say I know how you feel exactly, but I think we all can relate; in that our lives now are probably not what we pictured when we were younger.
My recent post Part 1: My Confession
So thankful for ALL of the honest dialogue going on here. Thank you Lindsey for leading the way in this conversation!
Lindsey,
I too, found myself in my late 20's and unmarried; on the rebound from an intense 3yr relationship. I didn't yet know the Lord as my Savior. But…I can't say I'm sorry about that. Yes, I married the man I met on the rebound. The first 8 years were crazy. (literally). But 20 years after those first 8, I can honestly say the Lord completely picked us for each other. We've raised 2 boys who are walking with the Lord, one in college, one a mid-20's father in his dream-job.
God is Wondrous Lindsey. Truly. You must hang on to that fact that He DOES have you EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. Just wait on Him in obedience. He knows the desires of your heart.
Great words, Lindsay. I was 31 when I married, and I had to ask myself each of the questions you ask before I met my husband and ALLOWED myself to be courted by him. I talked about that a little here: http://www.hannahbeth.com/?p=353
The waiting was hard. But what I'm learning is that we're all always waiting for something. The "trick" is learning to allow ourselves to rest in Him while we wait.
I understand exactly what you are feeling and went through it myself. I had to allow a major over-haul in my life of self-expectations. I’m now 41 and getting married June 13th to such a wonderful man. For the first time in my life I am attending church with the man I am going to marry and I love it!! Having that foundation in my relationship has made such a difference that I can’t help but smile even when I’m not fully aware I am thinking about it! Lindsey, continue to hang in there love, it can and will happen.
Thank you for the encouraging words!
Lindsey ~ My heart is so full reading through all these comments! Its amazing what happens when we are willing to step-out in faith and be vulnerable about our struggles. I believe that confession and validation are such powerful healing agents! Thank you for sharing your heart and giving hope to others! You are a wonderful friend and I love you very much!
Love you too. Even if you bully me and leave me for dead on long runs
A couple of thoughts from someone who was single for a long time: Lower your expectations and get rid of those stupid "rules." Stop waiting for God to bring you a man, and be your own best friend. Great post.
Thanks Claire!
Lindsey, this post is one I could have written. I'm sure there are others who have said that too. I'll be 34 in a few weeks. And my life is so far from what I dreamed growing up it's not even funny. When I was playing MASH with my friends, and probably further back from that, the thought of not being married and having children before 30 was impossible as you said. Except it was possible because here I am!
And like you, I too have those same questions. Even last night I was grappling with this, "Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children?" in particular. This is something after some fairly devastating relationships and my 34th birthday just a few weeks away, that scares me.
It's scary to dream, to hope. At least for me it is. But this is where I've just got to let go. My desire has always been to be married and have a family. Beyond that and writing, I've wanted a pretty simple life. That's not the life I have. But I do know those desires haven't changed. I have to let myself have those dreams and desires. And trust that whatever God has in store, whether those become a reality or not, that I'll feel fulfilled for trusting Him to give me good things. Whatever happens.
Thanks for putting this into words. I appreciate it so much. I am surrounded by married people all the dang time. I don't have any single friends and only one childless friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one in this place.
Isn't nice to not feel alone. Now if we can just find answers to all our questions.
congatulations…and thank you.
Thanks so much for your honesty! I have come to expect nothing less from this blog and it’s so refreshing. It sometimes amazes me how we think we are alone in our situations and struggles. It’s not until someone decides to talk about do we see we could have an entire community of people that can struggle along side us and also help us in the process. Thank you for your words. Being single is not always the most fun thing in the world but being single has allowed me to be able to just pick up and take the job of my dreams and move to LA to work inner city! Not that I couldn’t do it if I was married but it would have taken a lot more thought and planning to consider another persons. Thanks Justin and Trish for providing a place where I feel some tremendous healing is taking place!
Amazing the possibilities singleness provides. Trying to embrace them all.
Lindsey, I to am 32 going on 33 and have waited and continue to wait because I know that the plans I have for my life is minimal compared to the plans God have for my life. I am encoraged that love, my mate, my husband, the father of my children is out there. Just like God is preparing me for him, he is preparing him for me. He's getting us ready! Be encouraged, continue to keep the faith because your Boaz is on his way. All in God's time! Be blessed!
Love your faith Delly! You are so right.
Love your faith Delly! You are so right.
I think it's safe to say that most people can identify with what you've written in some way or other. I know there are aspects of my life I certainly never expected. I didn't think I'd be where I am now (which I won't go into detail but is not necessarily "ideal" or what I thought would be my reality at age 45). However, God is teaching me to be content in all of my circumstances the good and the difficult even when I don't understand His plan.
Thank you for your candid and honest blog.
My recent post I Love You AND I Like You!(Covenant Love)
Love your heart, Linds!
Lindsey ~ Great post! I love that every time I read something you have written it resounds in my heart big time and I feel that I am not the only one out there struggling. At the same time I also know that God is in control and no matter what I am fully loved and trust that He knows what is best for me. And no my life hasn't turned out like the MASH game either! And I am grateful for that!
My recent post My day and a picture
Yes, grateful…our stories would all be so boring if they turned out like the MASH game…
Sometimes you read something and you know you are not just reading words, you are reading a person. This was more than just a blog post, this was courage and beauty. It makes me feel honored to read it, and challenged to think about all the "what I wants" vs "what God wants" in my own life.
Thank you seem like small and common words. But really, thank you.
~Lisa-Jo
Thanks Lisa-Jo for the encouragement. It helps that I knew that this was a safe environment to throw up all my feelings
Lindsey,
Great work on this post!
I think this hits right on for so many people, including me. I can't say that my life now is what I envisioned while I was in high school or college, but I'm pretty confident I wouldn't trade it for that life I had imagined back then.
My recent post Open Swim
Thanks Jeremy. I'm learning there is mostly good mixed up in that word…incomprehensible.
Wow, thanks much for this post. I find myself in a similar stage, and it is definitely incomprehensible. Some days I have the confusing feeling that I've off-roaded, gone off the map, departed from the script (to mix a few metaphors) – this wasn't the plan (MY plan, anyways) so what do I do now that I'm here? It's good to know we're not alone. Thanks for stepping out in hope.
My recent post
Guess we just learn to trust that HIS plan is much better than OUR plan…
What does a healthy dating relationship when you are in your late twenties or thirties look like? — there is fire, and also friendship.
What is an appropriate level of intimacy? — when you find the right one – you and I will be able to figure that out together.
Is it okay to allow myself to still hope, to dream for a husband and children? YES! YES! YES!
Are there really men out there looking for a real woman to settle down with? And if so, do I deserve one? YES! YES! YES!
So honest & so real, Lindsey!
My recent post The First Easter BBQ
Thanks Bonnie. And I love that you tackled my big questions.
Oops! I meant you and **HE** will figure out that question together! … not me
My recent post An Ice Cream Trip: What Do You Really Want?
I think my game of MASH almost played out in my life 5 years ago and I am happy to say today that i threw the paper out before it did. GREAT post and thanks for walking this crazy single fun life with me right now. I cant wait for the day we sit over Ritas and say remember the day…. Love you and Im so greatful for you in my life!
Amen … and … sigh.