Reverse Messiah Complex
One of the things that Trisha and I realized early on when we left ministry in 2005 is that we both suffered from The Messiah Complex. Wikipedia defines this as: A messiah complex is a state of mind in which the individual believes he/she is, or is destined to become, a savior.
This isn’t something you set out to suffer from as a pastor…but over the course of time, it creeps in. You begin to think if I’m not at this event, then it won’t be the same. If I don’t speak this weekend, then people won’t come back to church. If we don’t get together with this couple, then their marriage will fail. If we don’t have them over for dinner then they will stop serving. Before you know it, you are relying more on what YOU do in ministry than what GOD can do. Very slowly, you become the savior, you become the Messiah, your ministry is mostly dependent on you.
We totally lived this way, and didn’t even realize it until it was too late. As much as we suffered from the Messiah Complex in ministry, we suffered from what we call the Reverse Messiah Complex in our marriage. Justin and Trisha define RMC as: A state of mind in which a husband or wife places God like or Messiah sized expectations on their spouse. (This syndrome could apply to friendships as well).
What we realized when were separated, is that as we experienced loneliness, anxiety, stress, fear, depression, insecurity or uncertainty, we looked to one another to save us. We each expected the other to fill a void in our life that only God is designed to fill. It was a lose/lose situation. The person that has the expectations is already hurting, and then they get hurt more as the spouse can’t meet their expectations. Then the spouse that fails to be the Messiah feels like a failure.
The results of RMC is a lot of resentment, a lack of trust and a loss of confidence. Here is our advice to you today for your marriage or for any relationship: If you are feeling unfulfilled in your marriage or in a friendship…if you are feeling resentful of your spouse or of a friend, ask yourself this question: Am I asking them to fill a role in my life or solve an issue in my life that only God can? Am I expecting them to be my Messiah?
This isn’t a “one and done” thing. This is an ongoing process to evaluate and navigate and talk. We still have conversations with one another to discuss our expectations and if they are fair to each other. But having this conversation will improve your marriage and your relationship with God.
Anyone else struggle with Reverse Messiah Complex?
14 Comments to “Reverse Messiah Complex”
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This is good stuff. I have had relationships where I was way too reliant on other people. I know this… it is unfufilling and unsustainable.
Thanks Lindsey! I too have looked to friends to be what only God can…it leaves me disappointed and hurt. I love how you put it as well…unsustainable!
Wow…been there, done that. Now I have a phrase to describe it.
Your blogging has really gone to the next level, man. I think the next person on the CP staff who's going to have a book out is you!
Thanks Jason. We are working on a book proposal right now…hope to have it done by the end of March…haven't talked about it much cause that would commit us
I appreciate your support and encouragement of our blog!
I liked how you mentioned at the end that it’s a process. I’m going through a time right now where some of the relationships I used to rely too heavily on are not available to me in the same way. God is teaching me (daily) that He is what I need to look to to fill that void.
Great word Melissa…it is a daily thing. We can easily look at the Old Testament and think "how could they worship idols, when they had God?" But so often I have made relationships in my life idols as well. It is a daily journey to stop, recognize and realign.
I was definitely guilty of this in my marriage. I expected my wife to fix me. I also saw my wife as someone who was infallible – someone who would never have an affair and leave me. I also realized that I put her on equal footing with God whenever I doubted that my marriage could be restored because "she's just too strong-willed." So there has been a constant pattern of overestimating her and underestimating God; overreliance on her and underreliance on God; How wonderful it is when He reveals this to us. It becomes so freeing, so liberating, so empowering when we put our faith where it needs to be – in Him.
Wow…I love that phrase you used "overestimating her and underestimating God." I think we have all been there! Thank you for sharing your heart!
My husband is gone too much to rely on him to save me… then again, I'm sure there are issues as a result of that in itself.
Can't help ya there!
Currently depressed to the point of wanting to die. Part of what keeps me going is wanting to be there for my husband. So, am i doing RMC? If i feel that my husband doesn't need me & things will be ok for him after i die, then i can die in peace. God will take care of it.
Kathryn…I am praying for you. I would strongly suggest you talking to your husband about your depression and going to see a counselor. Please let me know if we can serve you in any way!
Love this post guys.
Thanks bro!