Accountability Is Useless
When Trisha and I first got married and entered ministry in 1995, I prided myself on being a person that was accountable. I was accountable in my choices: I wouldn’t counsel with a woman behind a closed office door; I wouldn’t give a teenage girl a ride home from church without another person in the car. I wouldn’t do lunch with a female without my wife or another male at the lunch. At all costs I wanted to be accountable.
When we started the church in 2002, I knew that accountability would be of utmost importance. I sought out a guy in our core group and asked him if we could meet each Wednesday morning to “hold each other accountable.” As a church planter, I had a church planting coach. He and I would meet every Thursday morning and he would ask me questions about my relationship with God. He would ask me questions about my marriage, my struggles, my weaknesses. He wanted to hold me accountable. I had a group of Elders that I met with once a month that were the spiritual leaders of our church, and I was accountable to them.
So with all of these boundaries and all of these safe guards and all of these great leaders and friends holding me accountable how could I ever be unfaithful to God and my wife? That’s not possible right? But I was unfaithful, despite all of my accountability.
What I have discovered is accountability is useless.
Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency you and I offer in the context of that accountability.
We have a unique ability as humans to BS each other. It is easy for me to fake you out. It is easy for you to lie to my face. It is easy to pretend like your marriage is better than it really is. It is easy to offer just enough accountability to make yourself look spiritual. At the same time that partial accountability can be so dangerous because you are not only fooling me, you are fooling yourself.
The truth is you and I can meet every Wednesday and I can lie to you. The truth is that you can have several circles of accountability and unless you are 100% transparent in at least one of those circles, implosion is on the horizon.
I am not saying you should be 100% transparent with everyone, but I am saying you should be 100% transparent with someone. I have two people in my life that if I am asked a question I give 100% of the truth; I withhold nothing. I know if I am struggling or need to confess something, or am in a dark place, I can share that with these two people.
One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, my marriage and my ministry is I substituted accountability for transparency. Accountability without transparency is useless. It is easier in the short term to offer accountability and it seems more spiritual…but you experience more of the grace and mercy and love of Christ when you offer transparency.
In fact, when you are willing to offer transparency, you will find you don’t need to be “held accountable.”
Dang bro! You hit the nail right on the head. I know so many people who need to read this. Well written.
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You are so right. It could be an amazing thing if we allow it to be. At the church here in Vero Beach, Florida many of them do not even encourage it because I think they are afraid.
Thank you so much Brad…that means a lot to me!
this is so good, justin. i know i've been tempted to hide behind the idea of accountability, and it's all meaningless if i'm not being transparent. thank you for the reminder to expose 100% of my heart to at least one person. and that starts with a willingness to be completely honest with myself (and God).
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I think we're not only all tempted in that way, but all conditioned (most of the time by The Church) to live that way.
At last someone who has the courage to call things what they are. I am inspired by your "transparency" and I praise God that some amongst His Armies are willing to go the whole way, warts and all, to allow Mighty God to use them mightily.
I hope you don't mind if I post this on my twitter. Too good to miss!!
God bless you
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Thank you Mercedes.
BAM! Nailed that one.
Hard to find someone to be that 100% transparent with and know they won't judge or condemn.
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Thank you Faye!
Wow, so, so right!! Pete Wilson has talked about making sure we confess our last 2%. I think even worse than that though is believing you don't need transparency OR accountability. I once believed I could do it all on my own. If I screwed up, I could fix it in my own strength. The importance of community though is SO important!
Pete and I talked about this at length. I actually wrote this blog post the same week he gave that message. It was cool how God laid the same thing on our hearts at the same time. Thank you!
"It is easy to pretend like your marriage is better than it really is."
because we all want to believe that it seems… its easier to remind ourselves of the good cuz the bad hurts too much.
"Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency you and I offer in the context of that accountability"
yes. totally agree.
Great post
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Thank you Jenny!
Dang, didn't stikeout on this post…GRAND SLAM! I'm just sitting here thinking of all the times I was "accountable" …i.e. LYING in the past. It was all part of the slow fade…
Been there Chuck! Thanks for your encouragement!
Umm, WOW! Did you hack my computer last night???
I am meeting with one of our women's group leaders today to try and establish an accountability partner/time. Thanks for this bit of encouragement…I am praying that God's hand will be the one that moves these mountains!
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So glad that God showed up for you in this! Praying that it helps you in the coming days.
Wow…perfectly said, Justin. Since grows in even the smallest bit of darkness.
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Thanks Jason.
Well said! You hit the nail on the head, but I think before a lot of people we be 100% transparent they must feel they are in the company of people they can be 100% transparent. And of course people must be willing to be 100% transparent, be real.
We live in a country where image is everything, your personal brand is everything. That’s not an environment that fosters 100% transparent. Where so many are just looking for dirt on someone to discredit them.
Company do background checks to find even the smallest dirt, fault to not hire you or fire you. The news looks for any dirt on anyone to broadcast to the world. Even churches now dig deep to try to find any about you to discredit you from serving, even a low credit score and you are out. So why would anyone willing be 100% transparent even at church, knowing full well it most likely will be used against you.
For some reason we have created the church to be a place where people are the most fake, the least transparent…it is very sad for so many!
Powerful stuff, brother. This goes hand in hand with what Pete talked about recently with the "2 %"… it's that last 2% of your life that you don't open up that can ruin the other 98% that you do. This, as usual, is very timely for me.
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Oh, that's a great observation. I heard that rat poison is like 98 % corn and 2% stricknine. A little poison will do you in! My pastor once did an experiment with the youth. He offered them a choice between two glasses of water. One was pure water, the other had a few drops of Clorox added. It was a powerful illustration about the importance of purity in thought, word and deed.
I agree…Pete and I talked about this the week he wrote that message…I had written this blog post that week too…very cool how he works like that in our lives.
What a great question.
The answer, definitely.
Do this all the time.
But don't you think that is the system that we have built (not trying to make an excuse for it all)?
It seems from an early age that doing the right thing and saying the right thing is valued more then being honest and truthful.
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I totally think it is the system we have built and it flies in the face of new testament Christianity. What if we changed it?
My husband and I were talking about this very thing just the other night… You are spot on Justin! And I love your conclusion that when we are willing to offer transparency we don't need accountability.
I think this truth goes hand in hand with our (wrong) preoccupation with behavior modification as a substitute for heart transformation.
Thank you for this clear and precise invitation to an AUTHENTIC faith walk. God is truly speaking thru you and Trisha! Thank you again so much.
Sharmayn Stoves
Thank you so much Sharmayn!
Wanted to add…I've been following your blog for the past couple of weeks. I didn't post my story last week to your redemption thread altho it was 9 months ago today that I learned of my husband's infidelity. We were both church leaders in a small church that had been our family for the last 11 years. My husband had two brief affairs with two women in the church last year. You know the fallout… It killed what was left of my carnal self but that's a story for another time.
My husband was not initially broken or repentant and we were separated for 6 weeks. When he did finally surrender and allow the Lord to deal with his rebellion he decided to go before our church and publicly repent and apologize. He wrote several pages of notes of things he wanted to say ( I did not read them). That Sunday when he stood before the church he never looked down at his notes ( and didn't say anything he had written). He just looked out at the congregation and said these words, " I have been a fake."
He said a few other things and the Lord used his brokeness in a mighty way. I will never forget the truth he spoke that day.
(continued)
I think it is high time that we (Christians) stop pretending. Our personal righteousness is as "filthy rags." Even the "BEST" of us has nothing to offer the Lord except our poor pitiful selves. And God loves us anyhow. I say this all the time "WE ARE ALL, EACH ONE OF US, MESSED UP." We don't have to pretend to have it together or to have it more together than the next guy. He is messed up too! We all need Jesus! My pastor used to say we "fear the sneer of the peer." I want people to stop being afraid. The FEAR of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. When we fear the Lord and Him only, it FREES us to live authentic lives.
(continued)
The person across the street may not have done what I've done but they've most certainly done SOMETHING. None are righteous apart from the Lord. None means NONE! It's been said and is so true, the ground is level for everyone at the foot of the cross. I just want people to be free. I tell my story because I am free. The Lord is our judge and He, by the power of the blood of Jesus, has judged us FORGIVEN. We honor and obey Him as a response to His goodness to us and not in an effort to gain His favor (or the favor of those around us).
It is a mighty wonderful thing indeed to walk in freedom. Thanks again for this forum. You are a blessing to this hungry and thirsty world.
Sharmayn
Wow…wow….wow! What courage and what a journey you have been on. If we can come along side of you in any way or serve you in any way, please let us know. Trisha and I are praying for you and agreeing with you as you seek God's redemption in your marriage!
"I am not saying you should be 100% transparent with everyone, but I am saying you should be 100% transparent with someone."
i say this ALL the time to my group of friends…it's absolutely true. my former pastor used to say "Christians shouldn't have secrets" and even though it sounds kinda weird I totally agree.
Thanks Elizabeth!
preach.
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In fact, when you are willing to offer transparency, you will find you don’t need to be “held accountable.”
WOW! A very powerful post! Thanks for sharing from your experiences Justin!
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Thank you Kevin.
One of my frustrations has always been that too many of our churches are not safe places for transparency. It creates a "forced hypocrisy" …in order to be valued, respected and involved in many of our churches, one can't be real or authentic.
I am in complete agreement with you. Accountability is useless without transparency. Further, our churches often value hypocrisy over authenticity.
We have a lot of work to do individually and collectively.
I TOTALLY agree with you! We value hypocrisy over authenticity…how sad.
As always you have great insight! Yes it is a struggle. If you can't be authentic, how does anyone know what you really need accountability for. There is no point. Great post.
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Thank you Anita!
I couldn't agree more with this post. I know I've definitely hid behind accountability–it did completely the opposite of what it was meant to do. I remember when I asked my friend to be my "accountability partner," and he said that we should call it protection instead of accountability. I, too, have learned that accountability can have many negative connotations, and can create tension between people. I like the way my friend said it–we're just looking out for each other. And, you're definitely right…it's all about being transparent.
Thank you so much! You are so right!