May 17, 2010 in Authenticity,Faith,Forgiveness,Grace with 119 Comments

Radical Grace

Three days after the affair came out, Trisha’s brother came to stay with her. Trish and I were already separated, and weren’t talking to each other. Our marriage was on life-support. I had no way of knowing that her brother was in town…until he showed up at the house in which I was staying.

When my brother-in-law came in the house, I started to apologize. I wanted him to know how sorry I was. I wanted him to know how I wished I could take it back. I wanted him to know how regretful I was that I had betrayed Trisha…betrayed him. He didn’t say a word; he just came and gave me a hug. He wrapped his arms around my neck and cried with me. After a few minutes, he just said “I love you”.

Radical grace. What I realized in that moment is that my betrayed brother-in-law had demonstrated a more Christ-like love and grace to me than I had ever extended to him. He is gay. I was a pastor. We had a relationship, but it wasn’t based on grace.

When you’re desperate for grace and you’ve messed your life up beyond your ability to fix it, the “Christian” rules you’ve lived by no longer make sense. I loved my brother-in-law, but in my heart I judged him. I cared deeply for my brother in law, but in my mind I knew I was better than him. I spent a lot of time with my brother-in-law, but in my economy, God was getting a better deal with me.

When you think you don’t need radical grace, it is so much easier to withhold it from others. It is easy to judge the drunk on the corner, the single mom on your kid’s field trip, the abusive husband, the lady on food stamps buying cigarettes at the grocery store, the porn addict. It is easy to think that we are so much better, so much more deserving, so much more entitled to God’s love.

What I realized and continue to realize is I am those people. I am the drunk, the porn addict, the prostitute, the abusive husband, the crack addict, and the lady who’s had an abortion. I am them…maybe not with my lifestyle, but definitely in my heart…and I need grace.

Do I agree with my brother-in-laws lifestyle? No. That is the scandalous and audacious thing about grace: it is unmerited favor. It is unconditional love. It is unending and undeserved mercy. It has nothing to do with agreeing with a lifestyle or dispensing what someone deserves, or proving my point or being right. Grace flies in the face of all of that.

What kind of grace does it take to hug your sister’s husband three days after he’s admitted to an affair? What kind of grace does it take to say I love you to someone who’s betrayed you so deeply? Radical grace. My brother-in-law gave me something that day that I didn’t deserve and could never repay…and he extended more to me than I had ever been willing to extend to him. Radical grace…and I am forever grateful.

So I have two questions that I think will reach all of us:

Do you have trouble realizing your need for radical grace?

Do you have trouble extending radical grace to others?

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/dubdynomite dubdynomite

    Great post.

    I love how sometimes we find truth through things and through people we ordinarily would not have expected to find it.
    My recent post Plan B – Pete Wilson

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Me too!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/dubdynomite dubdynomite

    Great post.

    I love how sometimes we find truth through things and through people we ordinarily would not have expected to find it.
    My recent post Plan B – Pete Wilson

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Me too!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/gothiquefae gothiquefae

    Great post and such an amazing story!

    1 – I normally don't have trouble realizing my need for grace mostly because I'm good at beating myself up it's the fact that He is willing to GIVE me grace that blows me away.

    2 – this one is hard for me because I am usually very good at extending grace to those who I see are broken and in desperate need; the problem comes when I encounter people who seem to have everything and appear perfect and are arrogant. I oftentimes fail to see the need to extend them any grace.

    Thanks for the reminder!

    G
    My recent post Gypsy Woman part deux

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you…I too have a hard time extending grace to people who appear perfect!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/gothiquefae gothiquefae

    Great post and such an amazing story!

    1 – I normally don't have trouble realizing my need for grace mostly because I'm good at beating myself up it's the fact that He is willing to GIVE me grace that blows me away.

    2 – this one is hard for me because I am usually very good at extending grace to those who I see are broken and in desperate need; the problem comes when I encounter people who seem to have everything and appear perfect and are arrogant. I oftentimes fail to see the need to extend them any grace.

    Thanks for the reminder!

    G
    My recent post Gypsy Woman part deux

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you…I too have a hard time extending grace to people who appear perfect!

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/wellsoflifemusic Jonathan Wells

    I love this post man. Right now being in Iraq, I realize how true we need radical grace as a culture, and how we as Christians need to learn to give this grace with such fanatical abandon that everyone around us is affected and changed by it. I am an Infantryman, and being surrounded by Infantry soldiers in a combat zone, I'm struck daily by the amount of justice and judgment we want for others, but how we only want people to have mercy and give grace to us. The worst part of it is the ones that profess to be Christians are some of the most vocal about it! Now of course, I have to admit that I'm guilty of not giving such grace to the men around me, as I find myself wanting to condemn them for not giving GRACE! Wow, some cultural heart surgery is in order I think.
    My recent post Bullets In My Pocket

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      WOW…thank you for your comment. Praying for you and the men and women with you! I know God is using you in powerful ways right now!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/wellsoflifemusic Jonathan Wells

    I love this post man. Right now being in Iraq, I realize how true we need radical grace as a culture, and how we as Christians need to learn to give this grace with such fanatical abandon that everyone around us is affected and changed by it. I am an Infantryman, and being surrounded by Infantry soldiers in a combat zone, I'm struck daily by the amount of justice and judgment we want for others, but how we only want people to have mercy and give grace to us. The worst part of it is the ones that profess to be Christians are some of the most vocal about it! Now of course, I have to admit that I'm guilty of not giving such grace to the men around me, as I find myself wanting to condemn them for not giving GRACE! Wow, some cultural heart surgery is in order I think.
    My recent post Bullets In My Pocket

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      WOW…thank you for your comment. Praying for you and the men and women with you! I know God is using you in powerful ways right now!

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  • J.L.

    I am in deserate need of radical grace. I need it so badly that I ache for it. I have wronged my husband in the worst way…broken trust. I did it for two years almost and now, three years later he just can't seem to get past it. My marriage is, as you said, on life support and I just don't know how much longer before he gives up and pulls the plug. I cry out every day constantly that the Lord would help him see through to the me of now, the me from before. I hate knowing that I did this to him and caused our near destruction. I have always been willing to give radical grace. I have told him over and over for the 20 years that it is never what he does, I love him NO MATTER WHAT! I have stood by my man in the face of the worst thing imaginable to me and yet he just can't get past this issue. UGH!

    I trust the Lord completely but I also know that you have to be willing. He seems less wiling every day.
    Please pray for us. My heart is broken. My body is weak. My soul is weary. I love my man with every fiber of my being. I can't lose him now.
    Thank You both for your wonderful testimony and ministry.
    God Bless You!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      J.L…I am so sorry for your husband and for you. We are praying for you. If there is anything we can do to serve you, please let us know. You can email us as refineus (at) gmail.com Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt here!

  • J.L.

    I am in deserate need of radical grace. I need it so badly that I ache for it. I have wronged my husband in the worst way…broken trust. I did it for two years almost and now, three years later he just can't seem to get past it. My marriage is, as you said, on life support and I just don't know how much longer before he gives up and pulls the plug. I cry out every day constantly that the Lord would help him see through to the me of now, the me from before. I hate knowing that I did this to him and caused our near destruction. I have always been willing to give radical grace. I have told him over and over for the 20 years that it is never what he does, I love him NO MATTER WHAT! I have stood by my man in the face of the worst thing imaginable to me and yet he just can't get past this issue. UGH!

    I trust the Lord completely but I also know that you have to be willing. He seems less wiling every day.
    Please pray for us. My heart is broken. My body is weak. My soul is weary. I love my man with every fiber of my being. I can't lose him now.
    Thank You both for your wonderful testimony and ministry.
    God Bless You!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      J.L…I am so sorry for your husband and for you. We are praying for you. If there is anything we can do to serve you, please let us know. You can email us as refineus (at) gmail.com Thank you for sharing your heart and your hurt here!

  • Grace, Love, Faith

    "What I realized and continue to realize is I am those people."

    Your story reminds me a really great song that I encourage you to get; iTunes (or wherever) – "That Guy" – Andy Gullahorn

    Your wife's grace for you in this situation is second only to Christ's. God bless her for that! Don't take faith like that for granted.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      She is a huge example of Christ to me everyday…thank you for that reminder!

  • Grace, Love, Faith

    "What I realized and continue to realize is I am those people."

    Your story reminds me a really great song that I encourage you to get; iTunes (or wherever) – "That Guy" – Andy Gullahorn

    Your wife's grace for you in this situation is second only to Christ's. God bless her for that! Don't take faith like that for granted.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      She is a huge example of Christ to me everyday…thank you for that reminder!

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  • Lee

    Thanks for posting this. I am struggling with this right now. I am trying to show radical grace to my husband (I have written about our current situation on an earlier post) without keeping either of us from totally placing our trust in God. I want him to know that I understand that his sin is no worse than my sin (there are different consequences), without making him feel like he doesn't have to work for our marriage. Maybe I am not understanding what I am supposed to be doing. I want him to know that I love him despite this but that things have to change. He knows this, and wants to change, but I am so very afraid. We started counseling today and I am more confused than ever.

    • http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Lee, thank you so much for sharing your heart. This isn’t easy…and it is a process. My wife is a really great person to connect with on this. Let us know if we can serve you in any way. We are praying for you. You can always email us at refineus(at)gmail.com.

  • Lee

    Thanks for posting this. I am struggling with this right now. I am trying to show radical grace to my husband (I have written about our current situation on an earlier post) without keeping either of us from totally placing our trust in God. I want him to know that I understand that his sin is no worse than my sin (there are different consequences), without making him feel like he doesn't have to work for our marriage. Maybe I am not understanding what I am supposed to be doing. I want him to know that I love him despite this but that things have to change. He knows this, and wants to change, but I am so very afraid. We started counseling today and I am more confused than ever.

    • http://www.refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Lee, thank you so much for sharing your heart. This isn’t easy…and it is a process. My wife is a really great person to connect with on this. Let us know if we can serve you in any way. We are praying for you. You can always email us at refineus(at)gmail.com.

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