Facebook Destroying Marriages?

June 29, 2010 in Divorce,Life with View Comments

I read THIS post yesterday on how Facebook is becoming a prime source for evidence in divorce cases. It is a very eye-opening article. Here is a quote from the article that really caught my attention:

All in all, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says that around 81% of its members have had to deal with — or have themselves used — evidence from social media sources, including Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. And a UK site reported that the word “Facebook” alone appeared in around 20% of its cases last year.

81%…DANG! That is staggering! Last month alone, over 300 individual people found RefineUs by Google Searching a variation of the phrase “Facebook Destroyed My Marriage.” A few months ago, I wrote a post entitled Facebook Didn’t Destory Your Marriage. But after reading this article, I’m not so sure.

Here is what I’m wrestling with: Obviously, Trisha and I use social media. We use Facebook, we have a Fan Page for our Ministry, we use Twitter…and I think we use it responsibly and for redemptive purposes. But I also know that social media is a very slippery slope.

So my question today, that I’d love to discuss is this: Are self-imposed boundaries enough to protect our hearts in the social media arena, or are we sharing too much of ourselves with others?

What do you think?

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  • anewcreation

    Dear Justin and Trisha,

    This is a very interesting topic which must not be overlooked by those who are in Christian ministry, whether you are happily married or not, and I say that, because the question we have to ask ourselves is whether we are in marriage ministry, youth ministry, etc. or any other,: Is everything we are doing through social media or any other avenue pointing people towards Jesus or towards ourselves?
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • anewcreation

    Dear Justin and Trisha,

    This is a very interesting topic which must not be overlooked by those who are in Christian ministry, whether you are happily married or not, and I say that, because the question we have to ask ourselves is whether we are in marriage ministry, youth ministry, etc. or any other,: Is everything we are doing through social media or any other avenue pointing people towards Jesus or towards ourselves?
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • anewcreation

    I find it frightening that many blogs, sites, personal pages, etc draw a great gathering of people not because the Holy Spirit is working its redemptive power through those channels, but because they are all too much about the person in them, and little to do with pointing the lost to the light of Jesus. We end up with a very popular person who speaks on behalf of Jesus, but when we look closely and with objective eyes, it is the author/individual in charge of that site whom everybody looks up to and follows. Sadly, God does not even come into the equation.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    And so personally I tend to steer clear of those whose blog, etc is full of their personal information, achievements in ministry, and blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, it is God whom we need to share our deepest secrets, longings and aspirations with, and being a "jealous" God, His presence will depart from those vessels who use social media for self-marketing and self-promotion. Though in the eyes of the world, they may be regarded as the Christian leaders of today, in the spiritual realm they may be achieving close to nothing.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    You mention above that you and Trisha have a Fan page for your ministry on Facebook. I may well have misinterpreted what you mean by that, but as soon as I read it, this thought came across my mind: it is not our ministries which should build up a following and a fan club, but the person of Jesus Christ, so is this what we are achieving with the way we use social media? I pray that if we are not, the Holy Spirit will speak to us today, and we can repent and amend our ways.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • anewcreation

    I find it frightening that many blogs, sites, personal pages, etc draw a great gathering of people not because the Holy Spirit is working its redemptive power through those channels, but because they are all too much about the person in them, and little to do with pointing the lost to the light of Jesus. We end up with a very popular person who speaks on behalf of Jesus, but when we look closely and with objective eyes, it is the author/individual in charge of that site whom everybody looks up to and follows. Sadly, God does not even come into the equation.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    And so personally I tend to steer clear of those whose blog, etc is full of their personal information, achievements in ministry, and blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, it is God whom we need to share our deepest secrets, longings and aspirations with, and being a "jealous" God, His presence will depart from those vessels who use social media for self-marketing and self-promotion. Though in the eyes of the world, they may be regarded as the Christian leaders of today, in the spiritual realm they may be achieving close to nothing.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    You mention above that you and Trisha have a Fan page for your ministry on Facebook. I may well have misinterpreted what you mean by that, but as soon as I read it, this thought came across my mind: it is not our ministries which should build up a following and a fan club, but the person of Jesus Christ, so is this what we are achieving with the way we use social media? I pray that if we are not, the Holy Spirit will speak to us today, and we can repent and amend our ways.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://topsy.com/refineus.org/2010/06/facebook-destroying-marriages/?utm_source=pingback&utm_campaign=L2 Tweets that mention Facebook Destroying Marriages? | Refine Us — Topsy.com

    [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Justin Davis, Bethany Smith. Bethany Smith said: RT @justindavis33 Facebook Destroying Marriages? http://bit.ly/aQ4lnK [...]

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/ffandhb Chrissy

    Very interesting.

    I'm pretty careful what kind of deep, dark secrets I share via social media. That's probably due, in part, to the fact that I'm so private by nature. But a lot of people aren't, and they're willing to share anything and everything about their private lives, their love lives, their careers, etc. It's no wonder relationships end and careers are ruined by social media.

    Personally, though, I don't think "self-imposed" boundaries are always enough. It's easy to set a boundary for myself when I'm not feeling tempted, but let something come along and pique my interest, and those boundaries are out the window. That's why we need each other to keep us in check. It's not enough for me to tell myself that I want to behave in a certain way; it's important to have another people who is holding me accountable. In marriage, that should be your spouse.
    My recent post Tuesday Tunes- Legacy

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/ffandhb Chrissy

    Very interesting.

    I'm pretty careful what kind of deep, dark secrets I share via social media. That's probably due, in part, to the fact that I'm so private by nature. But a lot of people aren't, and they're willing to share anything and everything about their private lives, their love lives, their careers, etc. It's no wonder relationships end and careers are ruined by social media.

    Personally, though, I don't think "self-imposed" boundaries are always enough. It's easy to set a boundary for myself when I'm not feeling tempted, but let something come along and pique my interest, and those boundaries are out the window. That's why we need each other to keep us in check. It's not enough for me to tell myself that I want to behave in a certain way; it's important to have another people who is holding me accountable. In marriage, that should be your spouse.
    My recent post Tuesday Tunes- Legacy

  • Beth

    Having been in these shoes, being one who entered into a relationship with someone I reconnected with on FB, I would say the FB certainly makes it more convenient and "easier" to walk down that road. However, re-reading your original post of "Facebook Didn't Destroy Your Marriage", that still reads more true than ever. It wasn't FB that chose work over marriage. It wasn't FB that chose to coexist instead of pursuing a spouse. It wasn't FB that chose selfishness. FB didn't make MY choices either, I did. But I also wholeheartedly agree that social media gives us an opportunity to share more with perfect strangers than we do with our spouses. It definitely should makes us all stop and think a bit.

  • Beth

    Having been in these shoes, being one who entered into a relationship with someone I reconnected with on FB, I would say the FB certainly makes it more convenient and "easier" to walk down that road. However, re-reading your original post of "Facebook Didn't Destroy Your Marriage", that still reads more true than ever. It wasn't FB that chose work over marriage. It wasn't FB that chose to coexist instead of pursuing a spouse. It wasn't FB that chose selfishness. FB didn't make MY choices either, I did. But I also wholeheartedly agree that social media gives us an opportunity to share more with perfect strangers than we do with our spouses. It definitely should makes us all stop and think a bit.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jcdulaney Joseph

    This is a tough one because I LOVE social media and think it is a wonderful and powerful tool.
    I think that if someone is looking at Facebook or Twitter and it in turn causes them to stray, they were already looking for an excuse to do so. If Facebook and Twitter did not exist, it would be something else that would be in the discussion. In the good ole days in was a PI and a Camera that got people caught in their infidelities.
    In terms of sharing too much, I do think it is easy to share more on Twitter and Facebook than you might over a cup of coffee with a friend because it feels anonymous. That is where we have to be careful. If you have some decent self discipline however, you can avoid many of the traps of going to far on these mediums. Boundries are easy to set really and when used properly Twitter and Facebook are a lot of fun and can be wonderful tools.

    Just think about how the floods in our area would have gone without Twitter and FB? They were key sources of contact for many of us for weeks…

    OK, just rambling now…great post.
    My recent post Church Tweople

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jcdulaney Joseph

    This is a tough one because I LOVE social media and think it is a wonderful and powerful tool.
    I think that if someone is looking at Facebook or Twitter and it in turn causes them to stray, they were already looking for an excuse to do so. If Facebook and Twitter did not exist, it would be something else that would be in the discussion. In the good ole days in was a PI and a Camera that got people caught in their infidelities.
    In terms of sharing too much, I do think it is easy to share more on Twitter and Facebook than you might over a cup of coffee with a friend because it feels anonymous. That is where we have to be careful. If you have some decent self discipline however, you can avoid many of the traps of going to far on these mediums. Boundries are easy to set really and when used properly Twitter and Facebook are a lot of fun and can be wonderful tools.

    Just think about how the floods in our area would have gone without Twitter and FB? They were key sources of contact for many of us for weeks…

    OK, just rambling now…great post.
    My recent post Church Tweople

  • Danny

    Facebook? Sure. If the list includes public parks, sidewalks, shopping malls, beaches, pools and other places where people gather. Ryan posts that an elderly gentleman needs help moving and, within 15 minutes, four people volunteer and get the details. Facebook is only one among many vehicles of communication. If facebook is to blame, the internet is to blame, the internet service providers are to blame and … whoa … we wouldn't be somewhat responsible for our own behavior, would we?

  • Danny

    Facebook? Sure. If the list includes public parks, sidewalks, shopping malls, beaches, pools and other places where people gather. Ryan posts that an elderly gentleman needs help moving and, within 15 minutes, four people volunteer and get the details. Facebook is only one among many vehicles of communication. If facebook is to blame, the internet is to blame, the internet service providers are to blame and … whoa … we wouldn't be somewhat responsible for our own behavior, would we?

  • Danny

    Sorry for the incomplete thought – my point about helping the elderly man move is – facebook (or any other means of reaching many) can be effectively used for good also.

  • Danny

    Sorry for the incomplete thought – my point about helping the elderly man move is – facebook (or any other means of reaching many) can be effectively used for good also.

  • Jen

    Good question. I have a friend who is married. She and her husband both have their own Facebook accounts. She is friends on FB with a former boyfriend from high school. When she added him she thought nothing of it, until he started sending her messages about how great she looked, how he never should've let her go, etc.

    Now she had absolutely no intentions of giving into his advances whatsoever, but out of respect for her husband and her marriage, she told the ex that being a married woman, she found his messages highly inappropriate and deleted him as a friend.

    I'm not exactly sure what my point is, but I think you have to give yourself boundaries with Facebook–be open and honest about everything, just like anything else in a marriage.

  • Jen

    Good question. I have a friend who is married. She and her husband both have their own Facebook accounts. She is friends on FB with a former boyfriend from high school. When she added him she thought nothing of it, until he started sending her messages about how great she looked, how he never should've let her go, etc.

    Now she had absolutely no intentions of giving into his advances whatsoever, but out of respect for her husband and her marriage, she told the ex that being a married woman, she found his messages highly inappropriate and deleted him as a friend.

    I'm not exactly sure what my point is, but I think you have to give yourself boundaries with Facebook–be open and honest about everything, just like anything else in a marriage.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/morgsmsquared Morgan

    Justin & Trisha–I'm not married, but came very close up until 2 months ago. I have to be honest that Facebook and Twitter were sore subjects on occasion. When D & I began dating last January, I made changes in my posting habits out of respect for our relationship. He didn't and always claimed that "it's just the internet and it doesn't really reflect how (he felt)." But on several occasions we would get into a crazy arguement that generally was stemming from what could definitely be considered sharing too much. Ugly trust issues on my end, and a lack of concern for respect on his–reared their heads.____I think in the long run, you could successfully retain your social media outlets–but not without a strong foundation of things like trust and respect in the relationship. Again, though, I'm not married, soooo…really, it's just my 2 cents.
    My recent post Finding margin…

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/morgsmsquared Morgan

    Justin & Trisha–I'm not married, but came very close up until 2 months ago. I have to be honest that Facebook and Twitter were sore subjects on occasion. When D & I began dating last January, I made changes in my posting habits out of respect for our relationship. He didn't and always claimed that "it's just the internet and it doesn't really reflect how (he felt)." But on several occasions we would get into a crazy arguement that generally was stemming from what could definitely be considered sharing too much. Ugly trust issues on my end, and a lack of concern for respect on his–reared their heads.____I think in the long run, you could successfully retain your social media outlets–but not without a strong foundation of things like trust and respect in the relationship. Again, though, I'm not married, soooo…really, it's just my 2 cents.
    My recent post Finding margin…

  • cshell

    I find it interesting that you did not mention that she actually told her husband?

    That would be my answer to Justin's question…i think it is different for each person and their situation. I am not on FB, and my wife basically just has it for family members.

  • cshell

    I find it interesting that you did not mention that she actually told her husband?

    That would be my answer to Justin's question…i think it is different for each person and their situation. I am not on FB, and my wife basically just has it for family members.

  • http://twitter.com/justindavis33/status/17327007812 Justin Davis

    Facebook Destroying Marriages? http://bit.ly/aQ4lnK

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Beth…wow! Thank you for being so honest and so transparent. That was my point in my previous post about how Facebook can't destroy anything. Wow…I am so appreciative of your thoughts!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Beth…wow! Thank you for being so honest and so transparent. That was my point in my previous post about how Facebook can't destroy anything. Wow…I am so appreciative of your thoughts!

  • http://twitter.com/paperisdue/status/17327697296 Bethany Smith

    RT @justindavis33 Facebook Destroying Marriages? http://bit.ly/aQ4lnK

  • BigTsbutterfly

    Excellent point!

  • BigTsbutterfly

    Excellent point!

  • BigTsbutterfly

    Amen Beth.

  • BigTsbutterfly

    Amen Beth.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    You make some very good points in your comments. I was only stating what Facebook calls a page where people can show support for a particular person/business/entity. We are not building fans of US, but people who are supportive of our ministry. The people who I've found to have popular blogs, (most of them) did not set out to have popular blogs. Through the favor of God and the right circumstances, they have built an audience. It isn't up to us to judge their intentions or the reach that they are having for the Kingdom. Most of the people who criticize others for having popular blogs are jealous of their site traffic…I'm not saying that is what you were saying, but I many people who feel that way, it is born out of jealousy.

    The point of this post is to call attention to OUR hearts and not the social media platforms available to us. We can cut out TV, blogs, internet, twitter, facebook etc. But if our hearts are not pursuing God and our spouse, then we will choose to walk away from both at some point.

    thank you for your honesty and your thoughts.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    You make some very good points in your comments. I was only stating what Facebook calls a page where people can show support for a particular person/business/entity. We are not building fans of US, but people who are supportive of our ministry. The people who I've found to have popular blogs, (most of them) did not set out to have popular blogs. Through the favor of God and the right circumstances, they have built an audience. It isn't up to us to judge their intentions or the reach that they are having for the Kingdom. Most of the people who criticize others for having popular blogs are jealous of their site traffic…I'm not saying that is what you were saying, but I many people who feel that way, it is born out of jealousy.

    The point of this post is to call attention to OUR hearts and not the social media platforms available to us. We can cut out TV, blogs, internet, twitter, facebook etc. But if our hearts are not pursuing God and our spouse, then we will choose to walk away from both at some point.

    thank you for your honesty and your thoughts.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts Chrissy…I know anytime I have tried to keep something secret from my wife, it was never motivated out of a pure heart.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts Chrissy…I know anytime I have tried to keep something secret from my wife, it was never motivated out of a pure heart.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    I totally agree with you…I'm not doubting the use of these things for good…I'm questioning our acknowledgment of the danger of them…

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts Danny! I totally got what you were saying. :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    I totally agree with you…I'm not doubting the use of these things for good…I'm questioning our acknowledgment of the danger of them…

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts Danny! I totally got what you were saying. :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts…married or not married…you are right on!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    Great thoughts…married or not married…you are right on!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jcdulaney Joseph

    Oh absolutely. I think a strong marriage and good faith coupled with meaningful relationships with friends and family shields against the danger. If you have these things in your life and focus on them, then you can easily acknowledge the dangers of social media.
    My recent post Church Tweople

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jcdulaney Joseph

    Oh absolutely. I think a strong marriage and good faith coupled with meaningful relationships with friends and family shields against the danger. If you have these things in your life and focus on them, then you can easily acknowledge the dangers of social media.
    My recent post Church Tweople

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    Wow – this IS an area to be concerned about… it's a repeat of what we saw when email became mainstream – misinterpretation via lack of personal / one-on-one communication. So much of our communication is in voice tone and body language and electronic communication does not reflect either.

    I recently had a friend say that I was not using proper discretion on some of my posts. This actually confused me as I've always tried to be very cautious in this area – being real but positive and always using extensive anonymity when referring to anyone other than myself or immediate family.

    After re-reading the posts she referred to, I still was confused – but could kind of see where she may have felt sensitive to it. Sometimes no matter how much we try, someone will always have the option to misinterpret due to the nature of social media.

    Sam and I use various forms of SM to communicate when he's on the road – but we are also very cautious about being private about our lives – unless it's something fun and positive.

    My rule of thumb: If you can't say it out loud and don't want it in the public news, don't write it.

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    Wow – this IS an area to be concerned about… it's a repeat of what we saw when email became mainstream – misinterpretation via lack of personal / one-on-one communication. So much of our communication is in voice tone and body language and electronic communication does not reflect either.

    I recently had a friend say that I was not using proper discretion on some of my posts. This actually confused me as I've always tried to be very cautious in this area – being real but positive and always using extensive anonymity when referring to anyone other than myself or immediate family.

    After re-reading the posts she referred to, I still was confused – but could kind of see where she may have felt sensitive to it. Sometimes no matter how much we try, someone will always have the option to misinterpret due to the nature of social media.

    Sam and I use various forms of SM to communicate when he's on the road – but we are also very cautious about being private about our lives – unless it's something fun and positive.

    My rule of thumb: If you can't say it out loud and don't want it in the public news, don't write it.

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    "LIKE" button :)

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    "LIKE" button :)

  • http://twitter.com/kimbi352/status/17331855562 Kimberli Nelson

    RT @justindavis33: Facebook Destroying Marriages? http://bit.ly/aQ4lnK

  • BigTsbutterfly

    I only use Facebook (no twitter, Myspace, etc) and as a married woman I do have some boundaries in place. I will not "friend" anyone with whom I had any type of romantic past . My husband also has a Facebook account and we have each others passwords and the freedom to visit one anothers pages at will.
    My husband's two infidelities last year involved only one type of electronic medium. A cell phone… I agree with Beth. Facebook, Twitter and all the other social media just offer additional opportunities for people to be tempted. It is as you say a slippery slope. But anything can (and will) be a slippery slope when our feet are not planted firmly on the Rock…

    Sharmayn

  • BigTsbutterfly

    I only use Facebook (no twitter, Myspace, etc) and as a married woman I do have some boundaries in place. I will not "friend" anyone with whom I had any type of romantic past . My husband also has a Facebook account and we have each others passwords and the freedom to visit one anothers pages at will.
    My husband's two infidelities last year involved only one type of electronic medium. A cell phone… I agree with Beth. Facebook, Twitter and all the other social media just offer additional opportunities for people to be tempted. It is as you say a slippery slope. But anything can (and will) be a slippery slope when our feet are not planted firmly on the Rock…

    Sharmayn

  • Julie Strickland

    I would like to add a point to the excellent discussion everyone is already having. I agree that if you're not protective of your marriage you'll fall victim to a variety of dangers. FB is not free from those dangers and you should take the same approach there as you would in any social situation. I don't worry so much about the amount of sharing that people do (though there are those who over-share). I worry more about people's authenticity and the habit we can get into of representing ourselves to be something different than we are at our core. The social networks, blogs, tweets…can represent people in a more positive light than they would appear if you communicated with the same frequency face to face. In that regard, I think the questions becomes, "Are we representing ourselves/our marriage, authentically?" and "How well can we really know anyone through that medium?"

  • Julie Strickland

    I would like to add a point to the excellent discussion everyone is already having. I agree that if you're not protective of your marriage you'll fall victim to a variety of dangers. FB is not free from those dangers and you should take the same approach there as you would in any social situation. I don't worry so much about the amount of sharing that people do (though there are those who over-share). I worry more about people's authenticity and the habit we can get into of representing ourselves to be something different than we are at our core. The social networks, blogs, tweets…can represent people in a more positive light than they would appear if you communicated with the same frequency face to face. In that regard, I think the questions becomes, "Are we representing ourselves/our marriage, authentically?" and "How well can we really know anyone through that medium?"

  • http://twitter.com/justindavis33/status/17344213605 Justin Davis

    Are we sharing too much of ourselves with one another? http://bit.ly/acQrjs #fb

  • http://twitter.com/rebeccannb/status/17345246254 rebeccannb

    RT @justindavis33: Are we sharing too much of ourselves with one another? http://bit.ly/acQrjs #fb

  • Kate

    I know that in the year up to my divorce, I had SO hoped that my husband would become the man he represented himself to be on facebook, twitter and his blog. The one who loved and pursued his wife with reckless abandon…the committed father who would put nothing (except God) before his family. Unfortunately, that representation was much more for appearances than authentic. Part of the reason the majority of our friends were so shocked when we actually separated. My lesson learned? Now I make sure I am spending more energy actually living and loving than telling people about it!

  • Kate

    I know that in the year up to my divorce, I had SO hoped that my husband would become the man he represented himself to be on facebook, twitter and his blog. The one who loved and pursued his wife with reckless abandon…the committed father who would put nothing (except God) before his family. Unfortunately, that representation was much more for appearances than authentic. Part of the reason the majority of our friends were so shocked when we actually separated. My lesson learned? Now I make sure I am spending more energy actually living and loving than telling people about it!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    I apologise for the wrong assumption about your Facebook Page. I am not familiar with Facebook and the fact that they would have called "Fans" a page where people can show support for whatever anybody is doing with their site. It is not my intention to condemn you. I have expressed my admiration for yours and Trisha's ministry on various occasions and I would always hope not to hurt someone who allows me to express my views on their site. But you raise a very important issue here and these are the thoughts that immediately came to mind. It is healthy to have these kinds of debates and even healthier to ponder on what different people have to say.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    I apologise for the wrong assumption about your Facebook Page. I am not familiar with Facebook and the fact that they would have called "Fans" a page where people can show support for whatever anybody is doing with their site. It is not my intention to condemn you. I have expressed my admiration for yours and Trisha's ministry on various occasions and I would always hope not to hurt someone who allows me to express my views on their site. But you raise a very important issue here and these are the thoughts that immediately came to mind. It is healthy to have these kinds of debates and even healthier to ponder on what different people have to say.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    I totally agree that being judgemental about the reasons of others popularity or big following can be born out of jealousy, but not all who raise up these issues in the Body of Christ must be overlooked as jealous, rebellious or despondent. If every time someone raises a point which we immediately feel threatened by or which feels like it is directly pointed at us, and we label that person as judgemental, are we not then becoming equally judgmental of that person by immediately labelling them and dismissing whatever they have to say? Think of all the prophets in the Bible whose messages hurt like hell but were full of the heart of God who loves His people too much to leave them to their own devices and prideful nature.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • anewcreation

    The word of God tells us that wounds from a friend can be trusted, and sometimes God will indeed use social media and total strangers to give a word in season about not using the tools he has provided us with, i.e., Social Media, for self-promotion but for the Son’s exaltation. I have received such messages when I was straying off course, and boy am I grateful? Not all are called to be pastors, teachers or evangelists. Some are called to be prophets and God WILL use these to expose false motives and deception. It is good to question ourselves on all these things all the time. Too many ministries which are doing great works for the Lord go to pot, because those at the helm become prideful and it all becomes about their egos and personal achievements. I have seen this so many times. Is the same with marriages. The attention that our spouse should be getting becomes focused elsewhere. It is no longer about how we can serve them, but ourselves.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/merche12 anewcreation

    I totally agree that being judgemental about the reasons of others popularity or big following can be born out of jealousy, but not all who raise up these issues in the Body of Christ must be overlooked as jealous, rebellious or despondent. If every time someone raises a point which we immediately feel threatened by or which feels like it is directly pointed at us, and we label that person as judgemental, are we not then becoming equally judgmental of that person by immediately labelling them and dismissing whatever they have to say? Think of all the prophets in the Bible whose messages hurt like hell but were full of the heart of God who loves His people too much to leave them to their own devices and prideful nature.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • anewcreation

    The word of God tells us that wounds from a friend can be trusted, and sometimes God will indeed use social media and total strangers to give a word in season about not using the tools he has provided us with, i.e., Social Media, for self-promotion but for the Son’s exaltation. I have received such messages when I was straying off course, and boy am I grateful? Not all are called to be pastors, teachers or evangelists. Some are called to be prophets and God WILL use these to expose false motives and deception. It is good to question ourselves on all these things all the time. Too many ministries which are doing great works for the Lord go to pot, because those at the helm become prideful and it all becomes about their egos and personal achievements. I have seen this so many times. Is the same with marriages. The attention that our spouse should be getting becomes focused elsewhere. It is no longer about how we can serve them, but ourselves.
    My recent post “You are the only Bible most people will ever read” – Ouch-

  • Confused mom!

    Not sure this is completely on topic, but social media defintely creates confusion about 'rules' and 'norms'. Earlier this week, I noticed that my adult son's relationship had changed to "single" so I asked him if he was ok. Aparently, this was a boundary violation…but telling 874 'friends' that he is no longer in a relationship is ok. So, so confusing!

  • Confused mom!

    Not sure this is completely on topic, but social media defintely creates confusion about 'rules' and 'norms'. Earlier this week, I noticed that my adult son's relationship had changed to "single" so I asked him if he was ok. Aparently, this was a boundary violation…but telling 874 'friends' that he is no longer in a relationship is ok. So, so confusing!

  • Jen

    Her husbad did/does know about it. I guess I should've added that part. He was actually with her when she told me the story. :)

  • Jen

    Her husbad did/does know about it. I guess I should've added that part. He was actually with her when she told me the story. :)

  • http://twitter.com/johannaprice @johannaprice

    I think the answer "are self-imposed boundaries enough?" is "it depends." For us, yes, they are enough. But mostly because we abide by them and our marriage is strong in other areas. We don't friend exes. If an ex e-mails me (which several have via FB even though we are NOT friends — they can still message me), I hit delete. I don't e-mail or text anyone where my husband cannot see it. For me this even means that I don't play Words With Friends games with people who are not "safe." (Because of the texting feature.)

    If we were flailing in other areas, maybe those boundaries wouldn't be enough. And they certainly aren't enough for ALL people and ALL marriages.

    So, it depends.

    But boundaries are always, at a miniumum, a good start.

  • http://twitter.com/johannaprice @johannaprice

    I think the answer "are self-imposed boundaries enough?" is "it depends." For us, yes, they are enough. But mostly because we abide by them and our marriage is strong in other areas. We don't friend exes. If an ex e-mails me (which several have via FB even though we are NOT friends — they can still message me), I hit delete. I don't e-mail or text anyone where my husband cannot see it. For me this even means that I don't play Words With Friends games with people who are not "safe." (Because of the texting feature.)

    If we were flailing in other areas, maybe those boundaries wouldn't be enough. And they certainly aren't enough for ALL people and ALL marriages.

    So, it depends.

    But boundaries are always, at a miniumum, a good start.

  • http://twitter.com/Qwestioner @Qwestioner

    The self imposed boundries are enough when your marriage is ok, or if you are enjoying a peak in your relationship. So for the majority of the time, social networks are wrapped in an innocent bow, with fun paper.

    But there are valleys in every marriage. It's at that time, when social networking sites can magnify a problem in your relationship. It allows you to connect with so many people, when you are at your weakest, and most vulnerable to an affair. But after all, it's innocent and fun, so we reach out to our friends for comfort. And by reaching so many people at once, you increase the odds that the one person, who will eventually draw you away, will step forward to comfort you.

  • http://twitter.com/Qwestioner @Qwestioner

    A friend on the site only wishes to lend emotional support, and as you lean on them, and share more with them, you become emotionally bonded with them. The stronger the emotional attachment to this friend, the weaker the bond to your spouse. This is how it begins.

    Then something that was :
    "I would never!",
    becomes "I shouldn't, because……",
    which becomes " is it really wrong? ",
    and then "It will be OK because……",
    then "well today it is acceptable",
    and finally ", I deserve!…"
    and an affair begins, and a marriage begins to die.

  • http://twitter.com/Qwestioner @Qwestioner

    The self imposed boundries are enough when your marriage is ok, or if you are enjoying a peak in your relationship. So for the majority of the time, social networks are wrapped in an innocent bow, with fun paper.

    But there are valleys in every marriage. It's at that time, when social networking sites can magnify a problem in your relationship. It allows you to connect with so many people, when you are at your weakest, and most vulnerable to an affair. But after all, it's innocent and fun, so we reach out to our friends for comfort. And by reaching so many people at once, you increase the odds that the one person, who will eventually draw you away, will step forward to comfort you.

  • http://twitter.com/Qwestioner @Qwestioner

    A friend on the site only wishes to lend emotional support, and as you lean on them, and share more with them, you become emotionally bonded with them. The stronger the emotional attachment to this friend, the weaker the bond to your spouse. This is how it begins.

    Then something that was :
    "I would never!",
    becomes "I shouldn't, because……",
    which becomes " is it really wrong? ",
    and then "It will be OK because……",
    then "well today it is acceptable",
    and finally ", I deserve!…"
    and an affair begins, and a marriage begins to die.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jennyrain JennyRain

    Great discussion – I have had to ask John on several occasions – is it ok that I post this? How are you with that? My blogging provides an opportunity for him to know my heart more – since I'm just more of an introvert.

    However, I work for a church – so that is offering some additional challenges to knowing what to post, etc. I think when your outside and your inside life match – then posting on any of these sources is simply a reflection of who you are. I have made an intentional effort to be authentic (even with my ugly stuff) this year – not to share everything – but to share stuff that will minister to others – but I always have in the back of my mind "is this ok" and if it is not, I've started asking at work or at home.
    My recent post What’s Love Got to Do with it Relationships 101

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jennyrain JennyRain

    Great discussion – I have had to ask John on several occasions – is it ok that I post this? How are you with that? My blogging provides an opportunity for him to know my heart more – since I'm just more of an introvert.

    However, I work for a church – so that is offering some additional challenges to knowing what to post, etc. I think when your outside and your inside life match – then posting on any of these sources is simply a reflection of who you are. I have made an intentional effort to be authentic (even with my ugly stuff) this year – not to share everything – but to share stuff that will minister to others – but I always have in the back of my mind "is this ok" and if it is not, I've started asking at work or at home.
    My recent post What’s Love Got to Do with it Relationships 101

  • http://twitter.com/justindavis33/status/17431071818 Justin Davis

    Would love your thoughts on Facebook's impact on marriages…. http://bit.ly/acQrjs #fb

  • http://www.anewlifehartz.blogspot.com Lindsey @ A New Life

    Social media is an interesting beast. It can be used for SO much good–getting messages of God's grace and love and hope and redemption to so many. I know I have personally benefited from your site and others with the raw honesty and openness with which you both passionately hope to restore marriages.

    But it can also be a place where you can get too wrapped up in what others lives "look" like online, and start heading down the slippery slope of coveting and lust…whether it be a person, another marriage, a job, someone's friendships. The list goes on and on and on.

    It also has a sense of instant gratification to it that is dangerous. You post your status on FB or Twitter and almost immediately someone replies or interacts. Can ease awkwardness in relationships for those of us who are wallflowers :-) since you don't normally associate with those people day to day and the feeling of acceptance can be heightened.

    My hubby and I have had conversations around what is too much to share, what is too personal, and what the boundaries are to reach others with God's glory while still protecting the ones we love and protecting our hearts.

    Most of what I share has to do with God's redemption in my life and I do have my hubby read through to make sure he is ok with what I am writing. I try not to compare myself to others and I rarely post anything I am currently working through that would cause feelings to be hurt or cause division in the body.

    My hubby has access to all my emails, passwords and vice versa, and I also have time limits in place so I don't get too caught up in the online world. It could be easy to fall into the not living life in the real world with the people God has placed in my life to minister.

    My recent post The God of Second Chances and Giveaway-

  • http://www.anewlifehartz.blogspot.com Lindsey @ A New Life

    Social media is an interesting beast. It can be used for SO much good–getting messages of God's grace and love and hope and redemption to so many. I know I have personally benefited from your site and others with the raw honesty and openness with which you both passionately hope to restore marriages.

    But it can also be a place where you can get too wrapped up in what others lives "look" like online, and start heading down the slippery slope of coveting and lust…whether it be a person, another marriage, a job, someone's friendships. The list goes on and on and on.

    It also has a sense of instant gratification to it that is dangerous. You post your status on FB or Twitter and almost immediately someone replies or interacts. Can ease awkwardness in relationships for those of us who are wallflowers :-) since you don't normally associate with those people day to day and the feeling of acceptance can be heightened.

    My hubby and I have had conversations around what is too much to share, what is too personal, and what the boundaries are to reach others with God's glory while still protecting the ones we love and protecting our hearts.

    Most of what I share has to do with God's redemption in my life and I do have my hubby read through to make sure he is ok with what I am writing. I try not to compare myself to others and I rarely post anything I am currently working through that would cause feelings to be hurt or cause division in the body.

    My hubby has access to all my emails, passwords and vice versa, and I also have time limits in place so I don't get too caught up in the online world. It could be easy to fall into the not living life in the real world with the people God has placed in my life to minister.

    My recent post The God of Second Chances and Giveaway-

  • http://twitter.com/wwwzcouplecom/status/17438706259 m & j @Zcouple.com

    RT @justindavis33: Would love your thoughts on Facebook's impact on marriages…. http://bit.ly/acQrjs #fb

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    so true!!! :)

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    so true!!! :)

  • http://idolwhiteexposed.net Dave

    I really don't think facebook causes problems in marriage. There are problems before then that need to be fixed.

    The reason I think so is because if you took facebook away, and did nothing else for your marriage, then you would still have the same problems as you did before.
    My recent post Idol White Indepth Review

  • http://idolwhiteexposed.net Dave

    I really don't think facebook causes problems in marriage. There are problems before then that need to be fixed.

    The reason I think so is because if you took facebook away, and did nothing else for your marriage, then you would still have the same problems as you did before.
    My recent post Idol White Indepth Review

  • http://godhungry.org/2010/07/15/ministry-inside-11/ A Place For The God-Hungry » Blog Archive » Ministry Inside.11

    [...] 3. I like Facebook. Through Facebook I have been able to get in touch with many, many people who I have known through the years, including some people I went to high school with. This has been great. At the same time I realize that some people have used Facebook to develop inappropriate and sinful relationships. You might want to at least be aware of a discussion taking place regarding this. One interesting article is: “Facebook Becoming a Prime Source for Divorce Case Evidence .” You might also be interested in reading: “Facebook Didn’t Destroy Your Marriage” and “Facebook Destroying Marriages?” [...]

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