June 15, 2010 in Affair,Identity with 35 Comments

My Wasted Life

I wonder how much of my (Justin) life I’ve wasted being insecure? For the first 32 years of my life, I am not sure there was another dysfunction that drove my life more than insecurity. I got cut from the basketball team in 7th and 8th grade, and from that point forward, I always worried I wouldn’t be good enough.

Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I dealt with it by pretending to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

How much of my life have I wasted worried about what others thought of me? I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

I remember getting a phone call in 2005 from one of the elders at our church telling me that an email was going out to our entire distribution list informing them of the affair. In that moment, the jig was up…the dog and pony show was over; the façade was shattered. Everyone would know I was a fake. Everyone would know I was a failure. Everyone would know I was a hypocrite. There was no more hiding, everyone would know.

That day was the death of me…the false me…the insecure me. That day I realized all I had was Christ. All I had was grace.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

How have you learned to deal with insecurity?

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  • Holly

    Justin…I came across your blog a couple of months ago and now eagerly look for all of your posts. Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share your story. God has used you to speak into my life in a profound and much needed way…and I just wanted to say thank you and that I'm grateful. Just wish I lived in Nashville and could come to you and Trisha's church!

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Holly…wow thank you so much. So blessed to know that God is using something in our life that was meant for hurt for His glory and good! If you're ever in Nashvegas, please look us up!

  • cshell

    "That day was the death of me…the false me…the insecure me. That day I realized all I had was Christ. All I had was grace."

    I've had that day, it's been a struggle ever since…I've been spinning my wheels trying to change "me"…then I picked up 'The Me I Want To Be' by John Ortberg.

    I'm only on chapter 4 but WOW. I had to re-read Chapter 1 three times just to take it all in, but the premisis is i'm not going to change 'me', God made 'me', with my personality and character.

    It's now going into detail about how to make "me" like i want to be. All that to say i'm still insecure and selfish and prideful….it's a dying to self daily. I've noticed the days I don't feel like dying to self are the times i struggle the most.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      It is a daily decision and one that doesn't always come easy at times for me.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    Powerful…

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Lindsey.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    I haven't learned to deal with it and it's killing me. It's funny…before Christ I had no problem with it. I just didn't give a crap about anyone else and thus didn't have insecurity because I thought I could take out the world. Then I found Christ, had a few incidents and insecurity is now the biggest thing I fight every single day. It's hampered my walk with Christ so many times I can't count them anymore.
    My recent post Informational life overload

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      There is no insecurity in Christ…so what you are feeling doesn't come from God, it is from the enemy.

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  • http://Www.walkingwithangels.wordpress.com Sara

    My husband and I argue a lot over my insecurites. I can never accept that people like me. They are just being nice. I keep people at arms length to save myself pain. I know I don’t like myself. I am trying to teach my children self respect but have yet to learn the lesson myself.

    Thank you for being so open and honest.

    Sara x

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Sara, you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your struggles here. We are praying for you.

  • christy

    I haven't dealt with it either. I try over and over again, thinking "this time, I'm gonna beat it" and I just fall again. I know my Lord is there to pick me up and dust me off, but the enemy just invades in those deep dark places and it all comes up to the surface once more. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever just be "me" and happy with that. Pride, envy, bitterness….I just want to give up.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Christy…it is worth it..keep battling, keep fighting…keep pursuing the person God created you to be…don't give up! Praying for you!

  • robyn

    Justin,
    This by far is my favorite post. I blog and I think I am opening, exposing my real self, but I think I still hold out because I am worried that some will finger point and say, "see, I knew the problems in their marriage were all her fault." And you know what, I take responsibility for my faults, I do. I know ypu can hear the…. but coming…… it shouldn't matter if he sees his faults or not because I made my vow before God. I can't change him, but I can change me.

    I need to post my real self, and give God the glory for his refining in me.

    Thanks again for exposing your real self, you're not alone……we all have issues….

    Robyn

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Robyn. Sometimes there is a freedom that comes from exposing the real you that all the finger pointing in the world can't take away. Praying that you have the courage to be YOU. :)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kevin_Martineau Kevin_Martineau

    "Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost."

    Very powerful words! That really resonates with me. I have battled with insecurity for a LONG time. It is only as I continually learn and remind myself of who God thinks that I am able to say goodbye to insecurity.
    My recent post 2 things that keep us from being compassionate

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Kevin…you are not the only one that has battled insecurity for a long time.

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  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jennyrain JennyRain

    I've been taken thru a couple of weeks of learning to strip off the masks too… don't know if God is done w/this season yet. It sucks… bleck.
    My recent post Trafficking: From the World Cup to your Back Yard

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Sucks indeed…but what you'll have on the other side of it is so worth it.

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  • BigTsbutterfly

    Until our identify is settled in Christ we will continue to struggle with insecurity, fear and doubt. We will continue to measure our value against the world's ever-changing standards. We will continue to wear the mask, pretending to have it all together when we know inside we are falling apart…

    I'm so happy your pseudo- jig was brought crashing down. The real Justin is such a blessing to this world! ( You and my husband are twin souls!)

    Sharmayn

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  • http://intensedebate.com/people/lightchild Grant Jenkins

    To answer your question, yes and no. And that's all I've got to say about that.
    My recent post The Strength Of My Heart

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Well said :)

  • http://10thingsaboutkelli.blogspot.com Kelli

    I’m still learning.
    Thank you for your transparency particularly in this post. My “esteem” took a huge hit this year. Mine & my husbands actually and we’ve both been struggling with insecurity a great deal lately. Please pray for us as we seek God and renewal in who we are in HIM.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      I know it has been a tough year for you guys. Praying for you and your family!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

    :) Thank you so much Sharmayn! Great words!

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  • Rhonda Hewett

    Trisha, I love your writing. Thanks so much for sharing, it is just what I needed to read!

  • http://easysavings.mine.nu/ Nicole

    Thank you Kevin…you are not the only one that has battled insecurity for a long time.