June 17, 2010 in Communication,Intimacy,Marriage Coaching,Refine Our Marriage with 38 Comments

Unspoken Expectations

Most people only communicate what they expect from a relationship after they have been disappointed or let down. We talk to people all the time that are unhappy in their marriage, unhappy in a relationship, dissatisfied with a friend, because the relationship isn’t what they thought it would be and isn’t what they expected it should be.

Our first question when a husband or wife expresses their frustration about an unmet expectation is, “Have you told your wife that you desire that?” “Have you told your husband you expect that?” Most of the time the answer is no.

When the answer is yes, the expectations people have are usually spewed out during an argument.

Arguments will never change someone’s heart. An argument might change how your wife acts or how your husband behaves for a day or two, but arguing will never turn a person’s heart closer to another. When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good.

Can we share a secret with you that we have learned the hard way? This will apply to your friendships, to your work relationships, to your relationship with your kids, in your marriage…Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations.

If you are unhappy in your marriage right now. If you wonder how you and your spouse could have drifted so far apart; if you are constantly frustrated that your needs, your desires, your expectations aren’t being met…have you communicated them outside the context of an argument?

Maybe its going out for breakfast; maybe its staying up an extra hour; maybe its going out on a date and having a conversation about expectations. This conversation should probably start with, “I want you to know that I own half of this issue. Half of the disappointment I have is because I haven’t communicated well.”

When expectations are communicated in clearly, calmly and in a desire to grow the relationship and not just beat the other down…relationships flourish. Friendships deepen; dating relationships grow; marriages become stronger.

In the context of your relationships, do you struggle with unspoken expectations?

About Justin and Trisha:

All Posts by  |  Personal Blog  |  Twitter  |  Facebook  |  Share By Email

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Unspoken Expectations | Refine Us -- Topsy.com

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jding jding

    Unmet expectations are so toxic. Someone feels a certain way or has certain hopes and is crushed when they're not met… yet the other doesn't even know what's going on!
    Learning to verbalize expectations, as vulnerable & scary as it may seem sometimes, has helped to springboard and grow our marriage – or rip at it if we're just ignoring the underlying (unspoken) expectations. Fortunately, we've gotten better at just putting it all out there but it's a struggle sometimes to keep the communication open and free of speculation.
    And with friendships, well, I'd say unspoken expectations which have turned to unmet expectations are probably a big reason that they fail. And it's a bummer every time 'cause when you look back on it, you think "if only you'd told me that sooner…"

    My recent post I Love Lucy

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Great, great thoughts. Free of speculation….that is a great phrase!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jding jding

    Unmet expectations are so toxic. Someone feels a certain way or has certain hopes and is crushed when they're not met… yet the other doesn't even know what's going on!
    Learning to verbalize expectations, as vulnerable & scary as it may seem sometimes, has helped to springboard and grow our marriage – or rip at it if we're just ignoring the underlying (unspoken) expectations. Fortunately, we've gotten better at just putting it all out there but it's a struggle sometimes to keep the communication open and free of speculation.
    And with friendships, well, I'd say unspoken expectations which have turned to unmet expectations are probably a big reason that they fail. And it's a bummer every time 'cause when you look back on it, you think "if only you'd told me that sooner…"

    My recent post I Love Lucy

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Great, great thoughts. Free of speculation….that is a great phrase!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    This is such an important post. I am TERRIBLE at this.

    "When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good." Ugh, you are right. I need to be better at communicating my expectations or even lowering them.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Lindsey…I think if we were all better at this, relationships wouldn't struggle so much. You are not alone in being terrible at this!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Lindsey_Nobles Lindsey_Nobles

    This is such an important post. I am TERRIBLE at this.

    "When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good." Ugh, you are right. I need to be better at communicating my expectations or even lowering them.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thanks Lindsey…I think if we were all better at this, relationships wouldn't struggle so much. You are not alone in being terrible at this!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    "Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations."

    Been there…felt that. A large part of my first marriage's breaking up was expectations of the other that were unspoken and unmet; then when they were spoke the wounds were so entrenched no effort was made to try and meet them.
    My recent post Rush vs. God

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      We were so entrenched no effort was made to try…after a while, we come to a place where we just resign to the fact our expectations will never be met…so giving up in the only way out. Thanks Jason.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/JasonWert JasonWert

    "Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations."

    Been there…felt that. A large part of my first marriage's breaking up was expectations of the other that were unspoken and unmet; then when they were spoke the wounds were so entrenched no effort was made to try and meet them.
    My recent post Rush vs. God

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      We were so entrenched no effort was made to try…after a while, we come to a place where we just resign to the fact our expectations will never be met…so giving up in the only way out. Thanks Jason.

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jennyrain JennyRain

    oh my gosh YES. This has been what is hurting us lately… trying to figure out what are reasonable expectations and what are not…

    I like this "Arguments will never change someone’s heart."

    so true.
    My recent post Thomas Merton’s Prayer for Discernment

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Jenny! What is reasonable to one person may not be to another…that is why communication is key!

  • http://intensedebate.com/profiles/jennyrain JennyRain

    oh my gosh YES. This has been what is hurting us lately… trying to figure out what are reasonable expectations and what are not…

    I like this "Arguments will never change someone’s heart."

    so true.
    My recent post Thomas Merton’s Prayer for Discernment

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Thank you Jenny! What is reasonable to one person may not be to another…that is why communication is key!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kevin_Martineau Kevin_Martineau

    This is something that my wife and I had to do some serious work on a few years ago. We have now learned that an expectation is only valid if it is spoken AND agreed upon. That has definitely helped in a lot of ways.
    My recent post Is God's voice being drowned out in your life?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Great insight Kevin…that is very helpful to me! Spoken and agreed upon…that's good!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/Kevin_Martineau Kevin_Martineau

    This is something that my wife and I had to do some serious work on a few years ago. We have now learned that an expectation is only valid if it is spoken AND agreed upon. That has definitely helped in a lot of ways.
    My recent post Is God's voice being drowned out in your life?

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      Great insight Kevin…that is very helpful to me! Spoken and agreed upon…that's good!

  • Pingback: Brian McKinley

  • Cathy Coffman

    We are guilty of this; communicating with my husband is akin to presenting a proposal. Oftentimes my proposal is not good. So I don't know if the unmet expectation is mine or his…..

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is tough…I know that so many of us struggle with unmet expectations…praying for you.

  • Cathy Coffman

    We are guilty of this; communicating with my husband is akin to presenting a proposal. Oftentimes my proposal is not good. So I don't know if the unmet expectation is mine or his…..

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/davisfamily05 Justin and Trisha

      That is tough…I know that so many of us struggle with unmet expectations…praying for you.

  • Pingback: Justin Davis

  • Pingback: mizzandan

  • Pingback: Jonnie Nickles

  • Pingback: Justin Davis

  • Pingback: Andy Barnett

  • Pingback: Marcia Ramirez

  • Pingback: trishadavis23

  • Pingback: Kimberli Nelson

  • Ani

    Something to learn here. I do remember my sister-in-law complained to me and my cousin about her husband, my oldest brother. I asked her if she told him. She said she didn't. I told her it isn't written on her forehead and he can't guess. If he would guess and it's wrong it would also be frustrating for the both of them. I don't know what they did after that. We don't have a close relationship. That I said that to her doesn't mean I'm good at telling my expectations. I have to learn it too. A good post. Just a sidenote: I can tell you I'm fine now. I received a scripture this week which encouraged me and various other scriptures. One of them is Habakkuk 3: 17-19. I'm moving forward. Thanks for your prayers.

  • Ani

    Something to learn here. I do remember my sister-in-law complained to me and my cousin about her husband, my oldest brother. I asked her if she told him. She said she didn't. I told her it isn't written on her forehead and he can't guess. If he would guess and it's wrong it would also be frustrating for the both of them. I don't know what they did after that. We don't have a close relationship. That I said that to her doesn't mean I'm good at telling my expectations. I have to learn it too. A good post. Just a sidenote: I can tell you I'm fine now. I received a scripture this week which encouraged me and various other scriptures. One of them is Habakkuk 3: 17-19. I'm moving forward. Thanks for your prayers.

  • Pingback: Michelle S Brinson

  • Pingback: Unknown Expectations | Refine Us