4 Things that Will Improve Your Marriage Today

Within the last month, Trisha and I have been able to offer a new resource through RefineUs; Marriage Coaching. It has been very cool to see how God has brought us 4 couples to come along side and journey with over a 4-month period of time. Our goal for our marriage coaching stays true to the original vision we had for RefineUs: to restore hope and renew relationships.

In the spirit of coaching today, I wanted to share with you 4 things you can do to improve your marriage…TODAY. I have seen these things radically transform my marriage and they are suggestions that if implemented will move you closer to the marriage you’ve had in mind.

1. Give Up Trying to Change Your Spouse

I wish I could have back the amount of time, energy and emotions Trisha and I have spent believing that we could change the other. Some how over the course of time, as married people we begin to think that if we yell loud enough, make our point strong enough, are right enough, slam the door hard enough, make our spouse feel guilty enough…they will change. But you know what happens. When you and I assume the responsibility to change the heart of our spouse, we end up fighting about the same things over and over and over again. Can I just set you free from something: you don’t have the power to change a human heart; only God does. So the best advice I can give you that will transform your marriage is begin to pray for your spouse and ask God to change you. When you begin to ask God to change you, your marriage automatically improves, because change is happening in your heart.

2. Put Appointments In Your Calendar to Talk

I have had no less than ten conversations with couples over the past six months that have trouble communicating. I ask them “On average, how much cumulative time do you spend per week talking (when you are not arguing)?” Every single couple has answered under an hour. When Trisha and I were separated, we realized how little we talked to one another unless we were arguing. We began to set aside one night per week to go out to dinner and just talk. At first we each made a list and went through the list of things that we wanted to discuss or ask the other or dream about. Over the last five years, we don’t make lists anymore but we set aside time each day just to talk. When you are talking without arguing you are making deposits into the emotional bank of your marriage, so that when there is a disagreement, what was once a level 10 argument is now a level 3. Put it on your freaking calendar!

3. Assume the Best of Your Spouse

It is amazing how many people accuse their spouse of being defensive. I hear it all the time as we talk to couples…one person will say “It just gets old having him/her be so defensive all the time.” My response is why does your spouse feel like they have to play defense? When you assume the worst of  your spouse, you automatically put them in defense mode. In defense mode, responsibility isn’t taken, grace isn’t shown, patience runs thin and arguments are minutes away. When you assume the best of your wife or your husband, there is a confidence that even when you disagree, you know in your heart that your spouse is for you. When you have confidence that your husband or your wife is for you, intense discussions can build intimacy instead of shredding it. Assume the best and be proven wrong.

4. Stop Running Your Spouse Down In Public

This was something that I did for years. I didn’t even realize how often I did this until we were separated. We were at Red Lobster one night, talking (see #2) and Trisha began to tear up. She shared with me many examples of me being condescending to her or making fun of her or running her down in front of other people. When you do that, what you communicate is how insecure you are with yourself. Trisha and I can tell within 5-10 minutes of being out with a couple how healthy they are in their relationship. Do they build each other up to others because they are secure in who they are; or do they tear one another down because they are insecure? If you don’t know if you struggle with this, ask your spouse…their eyes will tell you. There is nothing more fulfilling than having your wife/husband compliment you in front of your friends or your family. There is nothing that will erode intimacy quicker than making fun of your spouse in front of the same audience.

These are just four things that we struggled with, that we hope are helpful. Are there others that you would add to the list?