August 9, 2010 in Forgiveness,Marriage,Restoration with 70 Comments

Forgiveness and Restoration

I (Trish) have been thinking about this post for months. It’s a post that’s been on my heart but somehow the words to write it never come to mind. Yesterday at Cross Point our pastor Pete gave a message on forgiveness. It was like he had read into my heart and mind and put words to all that I have been thinking.

At least once a week if not more, I receive heartbreaking emails from women who have found out that their husband has had an affair. Many of these women are married to pastors. Their emails are often soul crushing and filled with anguish as reality sets in that their marriage is falling apart.

It seems commonplace to hear about Pastors or Christian leaders being caught in adultery or having a pornography addiction. Just writing those words evokes some intense debate about grace and forgiveness. Then there’s restoration. Christians and the church as a whole are so divided on what is or what isn’t “true” restoration that most people wave the white flag as if to say, “I give-up.”

Pete spoke on the parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:23-33. In this parable, Jesus paints a picture of a servant who owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.

There is much to glean about forgiveness and restoration from this parable. There’s so much I want to share but can’t fit it into one post. So here are the thoughts I have been wrestling with and will be writing about over the next few days….

1. What is forgiveness and why is it important?

2. What is restoration in the context of marriage and ministry?

3. Why is it crucial for forgiveness to come first so that restoration can come later?

4. Why is it essential for restoration to have a price tag?

What we have come to learn is that before the affair, our understanding of forgiveness was incomplete. Our belief in restoration was limited. Our hope is that this week, we unpack forgiveness and restoration in a way that brings wholeness and hope to your heart.

Do you struggle to forgive?

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  • cshell

    I struggle to forgive when i struggle with my pride…so looking forward to what you have to say. I often go back and forth on whether i have truly forgiven. It is so hard to let the past go, and when I struggle with that I question whether I have truly forgiven.

    It seems as I work it through my mind I always come back to my pride.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      "It is so hard to let the past go, and when I struggle with that I question whether I have truly forgiven." ~ This has been a huge question that I have had to ask myself several times. Thank you for your honesty.

  • cshell

    I struggle to forgive when i struggle with my pride…so looking forward to what you have to say. I often go back and forth on whether i have truly forgiven. It is so hard to let the past go, and when I struggle with that I question whether I have truly forgiven.

    It seems as I work it through my mind I always come back to my pride.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      "It is so hard to let the past go, and when I struggle with that I question whether I have truly forgiven." ~ This has been a huge question that I have had to ask myself several times. Thank you for your honesty.

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    I struggled to forgive my mom and one of my sisters for years of unfair treatment and judgement toward me, and favoritism towards her when I was young.

    It took a long time for me to even recognize that the bitterness existed … and that it further fueled the fire they directed towards me as an adult. It took help from another and faith that God could heal for me to get through the process – and it was a process. But one that allows for me to now enjoy family gatherings.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Paula your post broke my heart especially knowing what an amazing and giving person you are! I'm thankful you are on the road of forgiveness. It is a journey that often makes you feel like you take ten steps back yet each step forward is step towards healing. Thank you for sharing your story!

      • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

        Awe – thanks – that's so nice to hear! It took me moving 2000 miles away to really figure it all out, but it's been an intense learning process. Being free from it is so amazing – forgiveness is beautiful on the backside!

        • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

          - "forgiveness is beautiful on the backside" – SO TRUE

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    I struggled to forgive my mom and one of my sisters for years of unfair treatment and judgement toward me, and favoritism towards her when I was young.

    It took a long time for me to even recognize that the bitterness existed … and that it further fueled the fire they directed towards me as an adult. It took help from another and faith that God could heal for me to get through the process – and it was a process. But one that allows for me to now enjoy family gatherings.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Paula your post broke my heart especially knowing what an amazing and giving person you are! I'm thankful you are on the road of forgiveness. It is a journey that often makes you feel like you take ten steps back yet each step forward is step towards healing. Thank you for sharing your story!

      • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

        Awe – thanks – that's so nice to hear! It took me moving 2000 miles away to really figure it all out, but it's been an intense learning process. Being free from it is so amazing – forgiveness is beautiful on the backside!

        • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

          - "forgiveness is beautiful on the backside" – SO TRUE

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    The hardest people to forgive are the ones who don't ask for it. Praying for you!

  • http://twitter.com/paulaswift @paulaswift

    The hardest people to forgive are the ones who don't ask for it. Praying for you!

  • http://www.jcwert.com JasonWert

    It was a struggle for me to forgive for a number of years but thankfully that's something God's allowed me to really be able to do. The hard part for me has been explaining to folks that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you blindly let things to back to the way they had been in the past. For example, you don't allow someone who's abused a family member to spend time alone with the family member just because you've forgiven the abuse.
    My recent post People acting Satanticly and the Christians who support them

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      So true… sometimes the lines are not that clear and I think that's where many get frustrated. Great thoughts Jason.

  • http://www.jcwert.com JasonWert

    It was a struggle for me to forgive for a number of years but thankfully that's something God's allowed me to really be able to do. The hard part for me has been explaining to folks that just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you blindly let things to back to the way they had been in the past. For example, you don't allow someone who's abused a family member to spend time alone with the family member just because you've forgiven the abuse.
    My recent post People acting Satanticly and the Christians who support them

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      So true… sometimes the lines are not that clear and I think that's where many get frustrated. Great thoughts Jason.

  • jmh8803

    I'm trying to learn to forgive my wife, and I believe that I can in time…this website is helping me tremendously to gain perspective and be more effective in prayer. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. We're not far removed from her unfaithfulness…and I'm struggling with her lingering feelings for another even though she says she is committed to restoring our marriage (she actually introduced me to this sight)…thank you for your story and willingness to share it with the world. I'd love to know how the process of handling the lingering feelings (if there were any) went for you guys. My wife is being honest that it's not easy for her at times to deny the feelings she allowed to happen even though she knows how wrong it was to allow this happen….but it's still a huge sticking point for us.

    • Kerry C

      Your post hit me hard because I've been where you are.
      I can tell you that her honesty in sharing that she still has these feelings is a good step. I know how much it hurts to have her tell you that she allowed herself to feel this way for another, but the fact is that the feelings do not immediately go away, even though she may be truly sorry and truly repentant. Because she fed these thoughts and feelings for another, they grew in her heart until they owned her. Now she needs to starve them, day by day, until they die. This means that any inappropriate thoughts or feelings need to be caught and sent away as soon as they appear. She'll need your help to do this…and this is extremely difficult, so prepare yourself for it. It will hurt every time she has to share with you that her thoughts have strayed, but she'll need you to encourage her to keep from going back to those feelings that she tried to heal herself with that ultimately leave her even more broken.
      If you can let her know that it will sting you every time, but that you will stand by her as long as she fights to kill these thoughts and feelings, it will go a long way towards restoring your marriage.
      Be patient. It will take time. You will be in my prayers.

      • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

        KC we love you guys! Thank you for taking the time to write this response! It is beautiful and I am so proud of you both for pursuing truth no matter what the cost! Now go give all three of those wild kids of yours a big fat kiss for me!! :)

      • jmh8803

        Thank you very much…we've been working with a counselor for a few months now and have learned a great deal. I believe she knows that I'm going to support her through this and I also know that she knows it hurts me very deeply. I do struggle every day to believe that she is telling me the truth. She has set a date to leave her job (10/1/10) so that she will not be around the this person anymore. I'm praying daily that this will expedite these feelings going away. Thank you so much for your prayers.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      We have known KC for over 11 years. We have walked alongside he and his wife as they continue to fight for their marriage. I pray you are able to lean into his words! In the mean time know that you are being prayed for!

  • jmh8803

    I'm trying to learn to forgive my wife, and I believe that I can in time…this website is helping me tremendously to gain perspective and be more effective in prayer. It's so hard to know what to do sometimes. We're not far removed from her unfaithfulness…and I'm struggling with her lingering feelings for another even though she says she is committed to restoring our marriage (she actually introduced me to this sight)…thank you for your story and willingness to share it with the world. I'd love to know how the process of handling the lingering feelings (if there were any) went for you guys. My wife is being honest that it's not easy for her at times to deny the feelings she allowed to happen even though she knows how wrong it was to allow this happen….but it's still a huge sticking point for us.

    • Kerry C

      Your post hit me hard because I've been where you are.
      I can tell you that her honesty in sharing that she still has these feelings is a good step. I know how much it hurts to have her tell you that she allowed herself to feel this way for another, but the fact is that the feelings do not immediately go away, even though she may be truly sorry and truly repentant. Because she fed these thoughts and feelings for another, they grew in her heart until they owned her. Now she needs to starve them, day by day, until they die. This means that any inappropriate thoughts or feelings need to be caught and sent away as soon as they appear. She'll need your help to do this…and this is extremely difficult, so prepare yourself for it. It will hurt every time she has to share with you that her thoughts have strayed, but she'll need you to encourage her to keep from going back to those feelings that she tried to heal herself with that ultimately leave her even more broken.
      If you can let her know that it will sting you every time, but that you will stand by her as long as she fights to kill these thoughts and feelings, it will go a long way towards restoring your marriage.
      Be patient. It will take time. You will be in my prayers.

      • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

        KC we love you guys! Thank you for taking the time to write this response! It is beautiful and I am so proud of you both for pursuing truth no matter what the cost! Now go give all three of those wild kids of yours a big fat kiss for me!! :)

      • jmh8803

        Thank you very much…we've been working with a counselor for a few months now and have learned a great deal. I believe she knows that I'm going to support her through this and I also know that she knows it hurts me very deeply. I do struggle every day to believe that she is telling me the truth. She has set a date to leave her job (10/1/10) so that she will not be around the this person anymore. I'm praying daily that this will expedite these feelings going away. Thank you so much for your prayers.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      We have known KC for over 11 years. We have walked alongside he and his wife as they continue to fight for their marriage. I pray you are able to lean into his words! In the mean time know that you are being prayed for!

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  • Brad Clarke

    Fantastic words…
    1) Forgiveness is very important. For without it, bitterness sets in and then resentment. Forgiveness, is a command, not a choice. For the Bible says we are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. It also sets us free, for even if someone doesn't ask for forgiveness, we should give, because it lets them off our hook and puts them on Gods.
    2)I think restoration in marriage and ministry is the complete emptying of our selves before the Lord and allowing him to fill us with His perfect love and healing power. We simply do not have the power to heal a marriage or a ministry.
    3) Forgiveness must come first. We must fully repent and forgive in order that the Holy Spirit can dwell and began the healing or restoration process. We must remember that sin is sin… while some sins hurt worse, they are still sin in Gods eyes. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
    4) The only price tag that is placed on restoration, is the price tag of Christ dying on the cross. That is the only way any of us are fully restored. We must remember that every time we are asking forgiveness for our sins.. the price He paid for us and exactly what it cost God… His one and only Son!

    Great Topic, and great words… keep up the great work of the Lord!

    See more at http://www.bradnd24.wordpress.com

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Great thoughts Brad! Some really good stuff to think about in your post. Thank you for taking the time to write it!

  • Brad Clarke

    Fantastic words…
    1) Forgiveness is very important. For without it, bitterness sets in and then resentment. Forgiveness, is a command, not a choice. For the Bible says we are to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. It also sets us free, for even if someone doesn't ask for forgiveness, we should give, because it lets them off our hook and puts them on Gods.
    2)I think restoration in marriage and ministry is the complete emptying of our selves before the Lord and allowing him to fill us with His perfect love and healing power. We simply do not have the power to heal a marriage or a ministry.
    3) Forgiveness must come first. We must fully repent and forgive in order that the Holy Spirit can dwell and began the healing or restoration process. We must remember that sin is sin… while some sins hurt worse, they are still sin in Gods eyes. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
    4) The only price tag that is placed on restoration, is the price tag of Christ dying on the cross. That is the only way any of us are fully restored. We must remember that every time we are asking forgiveness for our sins.. the price He paid for us and exactly what it cost God… His one and only Son!

    Great Topic, and great words… keep up the great work of the Lord!

    See more at http://www.bradnd24.wordpress.com

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Great thoughts Brad! Some really good stuff to think about in your post. Thank you for taking the time to write it!

  • http://silenthearts.wordpress.com Morgan

    I have a terrible time with forgiveness. Not to much the little things, but the deep wounds Pete was talking about. The one's that have made me a prisoner within myself on so many occasions. That bitterness is a horrible feeling. I don't understand how Jesus could forgive me so easily–and me accept his forgiveness; yet I can't seem to do the same. I wind up being that unmerciful servant.
    My recent post Figuring Out Forgiveness- Part 2…

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Morgan ~ Thank you for your honesty. Forgiveness often times comes in layers. Not because it has too but rather in our brokenness it can be hard to fully forgive. We try and actually forgive but then something triggers the pain and we feel like we are back to square one. I pray the next couple of post help draw you closer to Jesus and closer to forgiveness.

  • http://silenthearts.wordpress.com Morgan

    I have a terrible time with forgiveness. Not to much the little things, but the deep wounds Pete was talking about. The one's that have made me a prisoner within myself on so many occasions. That bitterness is a horrible feeling. I don't understand how Jesus could forgive me so easily–and me accept his forgiveness; yet I can't seem to do the same. I wind up being that unmerciful servant.
    My recent post Figuring Out Forgiveness- Part 2…

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      Morgan ~ Thank you for your honesty. Forgiveness often times comes in layers. Not because it has too but rather in our brokenness it can be hard to fully forgive. We try and actually forgive but then something triggers the pain and we feel like we are back to square one. I pray the next couple of post help draw you closer to Jesus and closer to forgiveness.

  • http://chrisvonada.com chrisvonada

    When someone has really hurt you bad it takes a lot to forgive. The forgive part is for you, so God can take away the pain. If we don't forgive, there's little hope for restoration as the pain and anger will continue to destroy what we're trying to restore.

    Great post Trish, looking forward to the next part!!
    My recent post When God Says… Ye Shall Twitter!

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      So true Chris…

  • http://chrisvonada.com chrisvonada

    When someone has really hurt you bad it takes a lot to forgive. The forgive part is for you, so God can take away the pain. If we don't forgive, there's little hope for restoration as the pain and anger will continue to destroy what we're trying to restore.

    Great post Trish, looking forward to the next part!!
    My recent post When God Says… Ye Shall Twitter!

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      So true Chris…

  • tj3124

    I have struggled with forgiveness for over a year now. My daughter was sexually abused by my father in law. He is in jail and is facing a hefty price for the pain that he has caused our family. I have come to a conclusion on forgiveness. Forgiveness comes to release yourself from the pain. Forgiveness is to give it to God. I have forgiven him for my sake to let go of the bitterness. Does it still hurt sometimes? Most definitely. But I know that I have a Father in Heaven with his arms around our family at all times. However, forgiveness in this context cannot mean reconciliation. I cannot put my daughter in a situation that would make her feel uncomfortable. I will not. Right now, it is about her and keeping her safe, both mentally and physically. We want to give her every opportunity to heal from this and when she is old enough and ready, we can make that decision together for reconciliation.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      I'm so sorry for the pain your daughter and family is having to go through. Justin was abused as a child so hits close to home to read your post. Your story is one of the reasons I wanted to write on forgiveness. I think as Christians we feel confused as to how forgiveness and reconciliation are connected. I pray that my post on reconciliation brings hope to your hurting heart. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. I am certain you have ministered to many today!

  • tj3124

    I have struggled with forgiveness for over a year now. My daughter was sexually abused by my father in law. He is in jail and is facing a hefty price for the pain that he has caused our family. I have come to a conclusion on forgiveness. Forgiveness comes to release yourself from the pain. Forgiveness is to give it to God. I have forgiven him for my sake to let go of the bitterness. Does it still hurt sometimes? Most definitely. But I know that I have a Father in Heaven with his arms around our family at all times. However, forgiveness in this context cannot mean reconciliation. I cannot put my daughter in a situation that would make her feel uncomfortable. I will not. Right now, it is about her and keeping her safe, both mentally and physically. We want to give her every opportunity to heal from this and when she is old enough and ready, we can make that decision together for reconciliation.

    • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

      I'm so sorry for the pain your daughter and family is having to go through. Justin was abused as a child so hits close to home to read your post. Your story is one of the reasons I wanted to write on forgiveness. I think as Christians we feel confused as to how forgiveness and reconciliation are connected. I pray that my post on reconciliation brings hope to your hurting heart. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest. I am certain you have ministered to many today!

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  • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

    Angeleyes

    Deep sigh… I'm not going to sugar goat it… this is a very hard place to be. I pray that the next couple of post will help give you insight about what I feel God has taught me about forgiving "the other women."

  • http://refineus.org Justin and Trisha

    Angeleyes

    Deep sigh… I'm not going to sugar goat it… this is a very hard place to be. I pray that the next couple of post will help give you insight about what I feel God has taught me about forgiving "the other women."

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  • http://www.jennyrain.com JennyRain

    Wow – once a week from wives of pastors… that is absolutely heartbreaking to hear…
    My recent post The Stripping Process

  • http://www.jennyrain.com JennyRain

    Wow – once a week from wives of pastors… that is absolutely heartbreaking to hear…
    My recent post The Stripping Process

  • jml

    I do not believe it was by accident that I stumbled once again upon your blog. I follow you (Trisha) or twitter and I immediately clicked on the link you posted this morning on twitter when I saw what it was about.

    My husband and I, for the past 2 years, have struggled and fought over the true definition of forgiveness and restoration. We had a situation occur between my husband and a young lady that was very close to us. No affair, just some major lines crossed and unhealthy attachments were made. It's actually quite a long story. But, my husband told me just this morning that I don't fully understand forgiveness. We totally disagree on what restoration means concerning this young girl.

    I am very much looking forward to hearing what you have to say about restoration. I know that our situations are different, but I'm hoping you can help shine some light on what restoration really means.

    Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. It has helped me like you would not believe.

  • jml

    I do not believe it was by accident that I stumbled once again upon your blog. I follow you (Trisha) or twitter and I immediately clicked on the link you posted this morning on twitter when I saw what it was about.

    My husband and I, for the past 2 years, have struggled and fought over the true definition of forgiveness and restoration. We had a situation occur between my husband and a young lady that was very close to us. No affair, just some major lines crossed and unhealthy attachments were made. It's actually quite a long story. But, my husband told me just this morning that I don't fully understand forgiveness. We totally disagree on what restoration means concerning this young girl.

    I am very much looking forward to hearing what you have to say about restoration. I know that our situations are different, but I'm hoping you can help shine some light on what restoration really means.

    Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. It has helped me like you would not believe.

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  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Wow…thank you so much for sharing your story. One of the things we have said is that forgiveness and restoration aren't the same. We are praying that we help you and your husband arrive on the same page in this area.

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Very heartbreaking!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Wow…thank you so much for sharing your story. One of the things we have said is that forgiveness and restoration aren’t the same. We are praying that we help you and your husband arrive on the same page in this area.

  • http://silenthearts.wordpress.com/ Morgan MacGavin

    Thank you…there are a lot of areas of my life that need forgiveness and they've all seemed to surface lately.

  • http://silenthearts.wordpress.com/ Morgan MacGavin

    Thank you…there are a lot of areas of my life that need forgiveness and they’ve all seemed to surface lately.

  • stacy

    Angeleyes, this is the very thing I am struggling with. In my divorce care class they said the sometimes the best place to start is asking the Lord to be willing to be willing to forgive. I am there. I don't want to forgive her, I am not willing but I wont to be obedient to Christ so I have to ask to be willing to be willing. It's a painful place to be.

  • stacy

    Angeleyes, this is the very thing I am struggling with. In my divorce care class they said the sometimes the best place to start is asking the Lord to be willing to be willing to forgive. I am there. I don't want to forgive her, I am not willing but I wont to be obedient to Christ so I have to ask to be willing to be willing. It's a painful place to be.

  • name.withheld.Thanks

    Thanks for that comment: “Forgiveness often times comes in layers.” As my husband and I have been moving forward (from his affairs) and working on our marraige, I have gone through that back-and-forth process in trying to forgive the other women involved. So hard for me to accept that a woman would have an affair with a married man. The issues with my husband are one thing…the bitterness, etc., for those other women is quite another. Some days, I can clearly see them as flawed, hurting, beloved of God. Other days I wish intense pain for them, hate to think of them healing and being happy after what they have done to me. But bit by bit, layer by layer, that forgiveness towards them is being built. “Layers” is a great way to describe this. Thanks.