August 31, 2010 in Authenticity,Conflict,Marriage,Sex with 43 Comments

More Than Anything Else

When Trisha and I separated, more than anything else I wanted to know why our marriage imploded. More than anything else I wanted to know how we grew so far apart. More than anything else I wanted to figure out what I could do to make sure that if our marriage survived, this would never happen again.

A lot of couples have communication problems. Their conversations center around schedules or kids or “how was work?” They have a difficult time talking with one another. When they were dating, they’d stay up late and talk and laugh and dream, but now they only talk when they fight. We had communication issues.

There are so many couples that have problems in their marriage because of finances. They’ve mismanaged their money. They’ve put themselves in debt. They’ve made irresponsible decisions. Sometimes it has nothing to do with bad decisions and everything to do with a small salary and a growing family. We had so many problems in our marriage that revolved around money…not enough of it…accumulating debt…not being on the same page. Lots of problems.

Some couples have priority issues. They fail to prioritize one another. They have no problem working their schedule around business meetings and girls night out and fantasy football and Saturday morning soccer and dinner with friends and PTO meetings…but they fail to prioritize their most important earthy relationship…their spouse. We blew it in this area. We gave so many people, so many events, so many expectations priority over the other.

We talk to couples that have difficulty resolving conflict. They argue about the same things week after week, month after month, year after year. One spouse is passive aggressive while the other is a hot head and loses their temper. One spouse is aggressive and chases while the other is an avoider and tries to sweep issues under the carpet. We did a horrible job at resolving conflict.

A lot of couples have intimacy issues. Sex is infrequent. The withholding of sex is used as punishment. Husbands pursue their wives only when they want sex. Sex is seen only as a physical act and not an emotional and spiritual gift. We had so many arguments that revolved around our lack of understanding of one another in the area of intimacy.

Even with all of these issues, they weren’t the source of our marital problems. They probably aren’t the source of yours either.

More than communication; more than finances; more than priorities; more than conflict resolution; even more than sex:

Your relationship with God will affect your relationship with your spouse more than ANYTHING else.

You can try to communicate better…for a while. You can try to not argue about money and debt and who’s paying what bill..for a while. You can do your best to make your wife a priority…for a while. You can read a self-help book on conflict resolution and argue more effectively…for a while. You can overcome your sexual frustrations…for a while.

What we have realized in our own life is that when our personal relationship with God is sucking wind…so does our marriage. We have spent so much time and energy trying to fix all of these things in our marriage…when more than anything else, our relationship with God sets the tone and direction for every single area of our marriage.

Do you agree or disagree?

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  • Renee

    agree

  • Brandie

    Absolutely, wholeheartedly agree! My pastor has always stressed that when our relationship with God is not where it needs to be, there is NO way that we can be what we need to be for our spouse, children, etc…..

  • http://www.firefliesandhummingbirds.net/ Chrissy

    I absolutely agree that our relationship with God sets the tone foe our marriage – and every other relationship we’re in. It’s become abundantly clear to me that the closer I’m feeling to God, the better ALL of my relationships are. I personally believe that’s because when I’m feeling close to God, I’m a better person, which makes it easier to make the right decisions, take others’ feelings into account, and overcome the struggles of life.

  • Katie

    Agree, agree, agree, agree, agree! And this is why no amount of counseling and no wise explanations of what’s going on and why things are happening will do any good whatsoever UNLESS it begins and ends with God and is according to the path that He has chosen for that specific person.

  • http://twitter.com/lone_gun Kim Kindrew

    Absolutely agree – only through the overflow of God’s love can we give love, grace and mercy out to each other! If our relationship with God is not right, nothing else can be.

  • http://dixieugadawg.wordpress.com/ allyugadawg

    Whoa. I agree of course, but i’ve never seen it all laid out like that. Talk about perspective. The “you try & it works….for a while” is so on point. And i see this in EVERY relationship in my life, not just with my husband. Me “trying” is a prelude to eventual failure.

    Bookmarking this post & forwarding it to all my married friends. Thank you Justin & Trisha!!!

  • jdub

    Agree. Nearly word for word is how it is going right now in my life. Thank you for sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/jeremy_chandler jeremy_chandler

    Thanks for this Justin. My fiance & I are getting married next year & I’m thankful to gain wisdom about marriage from your posts.

  • http://kevinmartineau.blogspot.com Kevin M.

    What we have realized in our own life is that when our personal relationship with God is sucking wind…so does our marriage.

    I have found the same to be true in my marriage as well.

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  • Anonymous

    totally agree. I had let my devotional times drop since returning from St. Thomas… and John’s and my fights kept getting bigger and bigger. I have tried to reprioritize and get my time with God back… and it has really helped!

    I also took over the grocery shopping budget too, and that made John happy :)

  • http://twitter.com/robynbuxton robyn buxton

    Great post…. and so true! It is not the relationship with your spouse….but the relationship with Christ that is suffering… Love is an action….not a receiving gift… it is all about giving. :)

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  • Guest

    I love the wisdom you have shared. Amazing and true. Why does such a simple concept seem so hard? God first, everything else will align. I need serious help in this area. I am so dead on the inside, I don’t even know how to get back to making God my #1 priority. He used to be! Full time high stress job, one teenager and two small children, I am exhausted/drained at the end of the day.

    This post is inspiring and I KNOW it is truth. Now, to put that in action…I’m asking God for help right now!!

  • Paul

    Thanks, guys. As I read through your post, I thought, “Yep, we got every one of those problems, and I’m ‘trying’ to work on every one of them.” It’s like I’m trying, unsuccessfully, to handle a bunch of fires rather than attending to the primary source of the blaze. I really appreciate the opportunity to refocus. While I am working on my priorities and how to relate to my wife, I’m now trying to embrace who I am in Christ and then make decisions in these areas based off of that relationship. There’s still a lot of fires burning (and some of them are pretty big). I am receiving biblical counseling, and my expectation is that as my relationship with Christ is aligned, I will be better equipped to handle them and move toward positive, longterm growth. Your online ministry has been very impactful to me in this journey.

  • http://kabarnes.wordpress.com/ Karen

    Thank you for the great reminder. Marriage definitely takes work. We definitely have problems with all of those things from time to time. One of the most frequent issues being just getting busy in life and not having time to do everything. Our relationship suffers and so does our relationship with God. In the midst of busy schedules I need to make sure both of those relationships get more of a priority.

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    You are right…this goes way beyond just a marriage relationship!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Thanks Renee

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    So true Katie…thank you!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Every relationships seems to find balance when our relationship with God is close.

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    wow…that was powerful…a prelude to eventual failure…thanks for wording it that way!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    That is awesome jeremy…glad that our site has been helpful for you!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    jdub…praying for you.

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Thanks Kevin…I know I owe you a blog post…I don’t have internet at our new house till Sunday…I’ll get it to you :)

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Love is an action…great stuff!

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  • http://vickydublu.wordpress.com/ Vicky

    wow, so true! in some ways it is SO simple. it boils down to something that should be the core of who we are anyway….SHOULD be. but we try so hard to do it on our own. to change on our own. work just a little harder. put just a few more rules in your life and it will work. but it doesn’t. GOD is the only one who can do the change. when we seek Him He is so faithful to walk with us and refine us (nudge, nudge! :) . thanks for this great post.

  • http://10thingsaboutkelli.blogspot.com kelli

    Painful, but true.
    When I allow the frustrations in my marriage to consume me rather than casting my cares on God and searching the Word for His promises an clinging to His presence….things continue to spiral out of control. When my husband and I make a commitment to keep Christ as the center of our marriage and family life, things are “lighter” and easier to figure out. Good reminder!

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    Good for you! (on the grocery shopping :)

  • http://refineus.org/ Justin and Trisha

    It is the simple things in life I have the hardest time applying. Thanks for the nudge in the comments :)

  • Chad

    So, I came across this article when a friend of mine retweeted it and I have to say that I disagree. In fact, i’m always kind of appalled by how wrong Christians (and others) get this problem.

    Riddle me this:
    If a couple is having problems like you describe, what benefit is there in talking to some ghost? Why don’t you talk to EACH OTHER? If you go to Bass Pro Shops on a whim and buy a speedboat on your credit card, that’s not because you didn’t “know god”, it’s because you were being selfish and not thinking about the consequences. In that situation you need to blame yourself for doing something stupid, recognize the situations that made you do it, apologize to your spouse, and try to keep from doing it again. Saying that you made a bad decision because you weren’t close enough to a god is not solving anything. All a personal “relationship with god” does is give you both a scapegoat outside of the relationship to blame…a common goal to attain that doesn’t ever end up addressing the actual issues.

    Just as important as taking the blame for something is taking the credit. If you do something nice for your spouse, or if things are going well….you NEED to realize that it’s the two of you making that happen. Not some ethereal third-party. Take credit for your successes and real blame for your failures…it’s really the only way to get your personal and mutual self-esteem in balance.

    I know what all of you are thinking by reading this….that I’m just another angry atheist just flapping my jaw. Think that if you must, but the truth is that if you people would put even half the effort into your real-world relationships that you put into your “spiritual” ones, you would be much better off. So yes, I disagree with your article…I’d even go as far to say that focus on relationship with a god is incredibly harmful to a marriage.

    I love and cherish my wife above all else…she is literally my entire world. Being non-believers, when there is a problem we don’t have anyone else to turn to but each other. She is the absolute most important thing to me, and I treat her as such….quit scapegoating the source of your problems…work them out…and try worshipping each other for a change