Using Conflict As Your Last Resort

Before Trisha and I separated, we argued a lot. We still have disagreements now, but NOTHING like we used to. Our disagreements now are about things that matter.

They aren’t about something that happened five years ago; they don’t have rabbit trails that loop in my mother, Trisha forgetting my birthday in 1998, and how I didn’t mow the yard last week.

You know those kind of arguments…the kind that you can’t even remember what you started arguing about?

Been.There.

We used to argue …A LOT.

As we began to go to counseling, and started unpacking our junk, we realized that we argued (most of the time) so Trisha could get my attention. If there was conflict, then I was engaged. When I perceived things were going well with our marriage, then I pursued my own agenda. So often, Trisha would initiate conflict or react to what should have been a level 2 reaction with a level 10 reaction, because at the core of her being, she wanted my attention. She desired my participation. She longed for me to notice.

Isn’t that sad? Why did it take anger to get my attention? Why did I not pursue my wife unless there was a problem? How jacked is that?

Let me ask you to evaluate your relationships…your marriage, your friendships, your family dynamics. What does it take for you to engage? What does it require for you to pursue your wife’s heart? What is required for you to be present? What forces you to participate, not just spectate, in your relationship?

When conflict is used as a pawn in a relationship, its purpose is distorted. God often uses conflict to build intimacy. But when we have to use it for our own purposes, what was meant to build, tears down. What was designed create openness ends up creating resentment.

So many people spend the best hours of their day arguing with the people they love the most. Most of those arguments have no redemptive value at all. They are symptoms of an attention deficit.

How many arguments could you prevent by participating? How many fights might not happen if you engaged before conflict had to erupt? What if you listened more? What if you asked more questions? What if you didn’t check email at the table? What if you looked at your spouse in the eyes when they talked to you? What if you were fully present?

What if…

Do you see conflict used as a last resort attention getter in your marriage/friendships/relationships?