September 8, 2010 in Intimacy,Marriage,Sex with 5 Comments

The WHY is So Important

Understanding WHY is imperative. One of the things we’ve learned over the past few years is that WHY we do things in our marriage matters more than WHAT we do.

There have been so many times in our marriage that I did something simply to get Trisha off my back. My motivation wasn’t one of love and service, it was to avoid a fight; it was to minimize conflict; it was to pacify her so I could throw it up to her later.

Doing the dishes; mowing the yard; even talking to her on the phone while I was at the office was done with a sense of obligation, and sometimes with a sense of manipulation.

From Trisha’s standpoint, there have been many times things were done out of duty and not out of love. Laundry has been folded. Meals have been cooked. Sex has been offered. House has been cleaned…many times out of obligation.

I haven’t stopped with obligation, I’ve been guilty of manipulation as well.  If I help clean the house tonight then I can go to the game on Friday night and not feel guilty. If I do the dishes then maybe we can be intimate. From Trisha’s standpoint, if I offer sex then maybe he won’t bother me about it for a while.

Our motivation for serving one another in marriage is huge. When we do something for our spouse out of obligation, guilt, fear, or to manipulate, what happens over time is resentment builds.

All of a sudden, you resent your wife when you mow the yard, because she doesn’t respect how hard you work all day. You resent your husband when he comes home and sits on the couch because he doesn’t appreciate all you do around the house. You resent your wife because when you do something for her, she doesn’t reciprocate with sexual intimacy. You resent your husband because he only does something nice for you when he wants to have sex.

There is a cycle that is created in a marriage that we often don’t recognize. Our need is to control our spouse. Our need is to get our way. Our need is to let the other person know just how much we bring to this marriage and how thankful they should be for us.

I constantly have to remind myself to check my motives. WHY am I doing this? Why am I cleaning out the car? Is it out of love and service to Trisha; or is it because I want something in return?

When we serve our spouse expecting something in return, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we plant the seed of resentment.

Maybe today you have anger toward your spouse and you can’t figure it out. Your fuse is short, and it takes very little for you to lose your temper. Maybe you haven’t asked WHY. WHY do you do the things you do? Maybe its out of fear or guilt or control…but it isn’t purely out of love, it will breed disappointment and resentment.

Are we the only ones that have focused on WHAT and not on WHY?

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  • http://twitter.com/KnoxRedShield Jonathan Haskell

    Very cool. I was thinking of a new blog on the same topic – now I’ll just link to yours. I was giving my wife a back massage this weekend and she joked about my…um…motivation. I assured her that my motives were pure and pointed out that I was so far behind anyway, that I could never make it up to her. Her answer – all joking aside – was one of the most liberating, grace-filled statements I’ve heard. “There’s no keeping score,” she said. Hallelujah!!

  • http://www.movingthroughlife.wordpress.com Joseph

    Love this post and appreciate the reminder.

    I think we are all guilty at times of keeping score in our marriage. We might not admit it but it is totally the case.

    I know that today, I have to start focusing on Why more than What. That will be challenging I think but a great thing to start focusing on.

    I also bet when you do start focusing on Why, the little junk goes away…or a lot of it anyway.

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  • Avent

    Yesterday, my morning started with getting my two little ones dressed and loaded into our little mini van for my husband to take them to daycare. My day ended with me searching for my husband and all the money that had been drained out of our bank account and then vacuuming crack, cocaine, and alcohol out of that little mini van.

    His plan was supposed to be running our business by himself for the day. It was because he felt guilty for spending the weekend camping while I worked, got our house ready for a showing and kept our youngest. I, as usual had manipulated the situation to my advantage so I could enjoy a day off, because “he owed me.” Even though the reason he went camping was to spend time with our oldest because I constantly complain that he doesn’t spend time with her. Obviously we have allowed the “whats” to build up a great deal of resentments in our marriage.

    This morning I was full of “what”, what was he thinking, what went wrong, what can fix this, what can I do to fix this, what will this do to our finances, what part of “God please keep my family safe” did God not hear, what will happen to our marriage??? This morning I dropped off a suitcase full of clothes to him at The Discovery Place (A Christian based recovery program) where in the midst of all the chaos yesterday he decided he needed to go. I think our “why” journey began this morning when I saw him sobered up and in his realization that he has been trying to do this without God and it is “why” he is defeated and broken today. And, my realization that “what” we have been doing doesn’t work.

    Justin & Trisha, I want you to know that we both have been reading RefineUs for a while now and he has been attending church at CrossPoint in Bellevue with me and I truly believe that your honesty about your struggles is a big reason why he was able to stop in the midst of his brokenness yesterday and call out for help….not just help from a friend but help from God! And Trisha, I was so mad at him last night because my four year old was crying for her daddy and I was having to comfort her and lie about where he was. But then your unconditional love for Justin was on my mind this morning as I saw my husband and his brokenness. I knew that he could make it through this and come out on the other side stronger than ever. Then we can begin to work on our “whys.”

    I prayed before I opened my bible this morning for answers and the program from Sunday was still in it and was a strong reminder that I also need to “own” not “rent” my marriage. The weeds have gotten pretty high! Thanks to the both of you for all your sacrifices….I am glad you found “home” here!

  • Anonymous

    I agree – the why is important. But for me, when I dig too far into the why, John feels psychoanalyzed and gets frustrated :) I’ve realized the important question I have to begin asking myself is “why not”… why not call him and tell him I love him? why not send him an email and tell him I appreciate him?

    Even typing that out makes me feel goofy!

    I have a hard time with stuff like that. So this week, I’m trying to do that stuff because even if it feels weird and strange and all ooky… maybe its important in some way.

    I’m getting the heebie jeebies typing this. Blaaaa – too much girly emotion :)