June 27, 2011 in Family,Kids,Life with 5 Comments

5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Became A Parent

Trisha and I got married the summer before my senior year in college. We were 20 and 21 years old, respectively. Four months after we got married, Trisha got pregnant. We didn’t know all that we didn’t know about parenting. As Micah, our oldest son prepares to go to high school, I’ve thought through some of the things I wish I would have known before I became a parent.

1. My Words Mean Less Than My Actions.

There is a part of all of us that know this. Somehow, as a parent, I believed the rules were different with my kids. I believed they would pay more attention to what I said and not what I did. It took our marital meltdown and separation to allow me to see how much I shape my kids with my attitude, my actions and my tone of voice….not just my words.

2. Time Goes Faster the Older My Kids Get

Obviously, this isn’t scientifically true, but it is parentally true. When my boys were younger they hung out with Trisha and I a lot. We went to the mall together; we went to ball games together; we went out to eat together. As they get older, they continue to do those things, but they do them with their friends and not us. The time we have together isn’t as much as when they were little. I wish I realized how fast time would go the older they get. It makes the next lesson even more important.

3. There is No Substitute for Dinner Together.

Trisha and I talk a lot about how upset she would get with me for being home late for dinner. Looking back now on 15 years of parenting, I am so glad she stood strong on this value. There is no substitute for eating dinner together. We try to do this at least 3-4 times per week. Conversation that would never happen, happens at dinner. We catch up. We tell stories. We are dialed in with each other.  There is no substitute.

4. My Kids Need Me to Lead Spiritually

So often when we talk about spiritual leadership, the thought is that we should impose our faith on our kids and make sure they go to church or read their Bible or listen to Christian music. Those things are important, but that isn’t leading spiritually. Leading spiritually is living out my faith in view of my kids. Allowing them to see my journey with God; what He is teaching me; how He is growing my faith; choosing what is right even when it is hard. As I allow God to lead me personally, that spills over into my marriage and parenting in a way that gives me credibility to lead my boys.

5. The Quality of My Marriage Impacts My Relationship with My Kids

The way that I treat Trisha directly affects the way that my boys treat her. When I am not investing in my marriage the way that I need to, it is easier for them to take their mom for granted and talk to her in disrespectful ways. They need to know she is a priority in my life.  I am not just raising boys; I am raising future husbands. What I do models for them what I believe a husband should do. I want to lead them to be great husbands by investing in my own marriage. It makes a huge difference.

I’d love for you to add to the list. What do you wish you knew before you became a parent? Share your wisdom with us!

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  • http://fireandhammer.blogspot.com Dennis

    I wish I had known how often I would feel inadequate for the task of being a parent and how to better handle those feelings.

  • Paul Pittman

    I agree with you completely, especially the dinner as a family item. Even though I am divorced, and so its not that easy or convienient, I put a priority on eating dinner as a family. One of our favorite traditions is to eat steak and baked potatos while watching a movie as a family on friday night. As my kids have become teenagers, they still look forward to it and get cranky if we miss several weeks in a row.

  • Lanette

    My oldest just graduated from high school. I had to give a short speech at her church graduation banquet and I went with things she had taught me. I learned from raising a very strong willed independent child that parenting is hard and sometimes people (good people) give you terrible advice. You and your spouse have to discern what works for you and your family. I learned that unless it is a direct command from God you have a lot of freedom in how you raise a child and hey God made you their parents! Just because a Christian person says it, it does not make it the only or best way to raise your child. Should you consider what they say? Possibly, but then run it through God’s filter and yours. If you use the advice great, but if you don’t that is ok too and you do not need to feel guilty!

  • http://www.jessesantoyo.com Jesse Santoyo

    Great post bro! I was thinking the other night how fast time flies and how fast my boys are growing up. I’m trying really hard to cherish these moments with them as little guys, even though the drive me and themselves nuts…I’m sure before I know it they’ll be heading out to start a life of their own.

  • http://mrspotts.blogspot.com JoAnne Potter

    I wish I’d taken more seriously something we already knew…that we weren’t raising a child, we were raising a future adult. And that modelling is no substitute for outright teaching.