Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are several people each week that contact us through our blog and ask us how to avoid having an affair. Some are newly married and don’t want make the same mistake I did. Some are on the verge of crossing some boundaries that they promised their spouse they would never cross. No matter where you are in your marriage today…these five things we believe will serve to affair-proof your marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Go out on a date that isn’t the movies. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

All sin starts in our mind. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts as a thought. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. It’s why the Bible says that what ever is pure and lovely and true…to think on those things. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Have Sex

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well. (Guys, you can print this off and show it to your wife, after you’ve done #1 & #2 🙂 )

These are our five, what would you add to the list?

8 Responses to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

  1. Chris

    I have a question for you. I am UU, and in my faith community there are some who believe in the Christian God, and others who either have a belief in a more general god or no god at all. For the first group, your advice fits very comfortably. For the other two groups, 4 of the 5 pieces of advice fit. I have my own ideas of how I would adapt it, but I was wondering if you had ideas for marriage of those in other groups.

    I realize the intended audience for this blog is married Christians, not necessarily meant to be inclusive for married people of other faiths, and that your ministry is reduced in scope in that way. Therefore, I hope you do not mind this inquiry.

    • Chris…this blog isn’t meant to be exclusive at all. We write as Christians, but I don’t think there is anything exclusive to honesty or integrity or purity. I am so thankful that there are people from other faith systems that read our blog. I know we have atheists and agnostics that read, and they don’t agree with my faith, but they don’t disagree with the truth of the principles we write about. I hope you feel welcome here and while we might not agree on everything, I think the principles we write about will make a difference if people are open to them.

  2. Michelle

    Ok, I’m gonna play devils advocate — what if your spouse is always working and you never see him? What if you have no one who can babysit even when your spouse is available? Not everyone has money for a babysitter or is as trusting (I don’t trust my family or my in-laws with my kids at all) as the next guy. I honestly think marriage is a fat joke. I just see it as a job. and I don’t want to cheat because who the heck would want another man? I’d rather be single. Too much work. Ok, I’m too honest…sorry. But seriously, if I had to do it all again, I would not get married. It’s not all that its cracked up to be. God made women and men so different. How did he ever expect us to be compatible?

    • I think that you are typing what so many other people are feeling. So I admire you for being willing to share. I think that our culture sells us misconceptions about love, romance and marriage and the church does a poor job of teaching us how to work through personal and marital issues. I am thankful that you have found our blog and hope that it provides you with a resource to answer some of the questions you have.

      • Michelle

        This is to Missy – I got married because as most people do, they think its wonderful and will make your life better and because I loved my husband. Why do you think I got married? I was 20 when I got married and have been married 12 1/2 years. I love my husband but he’s not the man I married. And when you marry someone, you marry their family. You marry a person who is gonna change. You marry someone who you don’t really know how they are gonna evolve. You can’t predict the future. You can’t know how kids, a job, stress is gonna change them. You try to work through things, but it sucks. The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless you marry Jesus himself, you are going to face disappointments. And hindsight is 20/20. That’s why I said if I had to do it again, I wouldn’t.

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