Name: Justin and Trisha
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- Pray consistently with and for each other
- Carve out time to talk and dream together
- Have sex AT LEAST once per week
- Extinguish Fatal Attractions
- Confess temptations and struggles
- Commit to choose what’s right and not what’s easy
- It’s easy to go to bed mad
- It’s easy to avoid talking about a struggle
- It’s easy to see your spouse as the enemy
- It’s easy to compromise time together
- It’s easy to not set moral boundaries
- It’s easy to not resolve conflict
- It’s easy to hide rather than live in truth
Giftedness > Character
March 11th, 2010When everything melted down with our marriage in 2005, I had a lot of time to reflect and evaluate all the small mistakes that I made that led to the affair. What we realized was the affair was just a symptom of much deeper issues in my life. A few months after we got back together a friend said something to me that I’ll never forget that has changed the way that I live to this day:
“When your giftedness outweighs your character, implosion is on the horizon.”
What I realized is that I had spent so much of my life focused on becoming a better leader, a better communicator, a more gifted vision caster…over and over and over again I had neglected to grow my character at the same rate I was developing my gifts.
When you and I are more committed to gifts and talents and personality and ability than we are to character, it isn’t a matter of IF your life will implode, it is a matter of WHEN your life will implode.
The problem is character isn’t usually what impresses people at first. People are more impressed with good leadership ability than they are character. People are more impressed with a dynamic personality than they are character. People notice a strong worth ethic more than they do strong ethics. People drool over a person’s speaking ability and ability to motivate others to action than they do his/her character.
You want to know the biggest reason we sacrifice character development for talent development? We can fake character. You can’t fake talent, you either have it or you don’t…but you can fake integrity. We can cover up our inner junk. We can pretend away moral compromise and we can use our giftedness to cast such a large shadow over our lack of character development, no one notices.
Maybe you have a relationship that’s in trouble because you haven’t grown your character. You’ve relied on your ability to talk your way out of things and persuade and those chances have run out. Maybe your marriage is in trouble because you have consistently compromised integrity and neglected character because you could get away with it. Maybe you have trouble holding down a job because you can impress them with your ability, until they discover your character.
This is a principle that you can’t get away from. It took it 10 years to catch up with me; and man how I wish I had stopped running from it 9 years earlier. It would have been much less painful.
When your gifts, talents, personality, ability outweigh your character, implosion is on the horizon.
Do you struggle like me to develop your character at the same rate you develop your gifts?
Affair Proofing Your Marriage
March 10th, 2010A few weeks ago, Trisha did a powerful post on 5 Things to Do When Your Spouse Has Had An Affair. I wrote a post on 5 Things You Must Do When You’ve Had An Affair. While we know that part of our ministry is to help couples who are in marital crisis, our heart beats just as much for marriages that haven’t experienced infidelity. We hope to provide resources for couples that help them prevent the destruction of their marriage.
With that said, we wanted to share today what we believe to be key decisions in preventing an affair (emotional, physical, virtual) in your marriage.
We have talked to couples that haven’t been intimate with one another in over 6 months, sometimes a year. This is a huge issue you need to resolve.
If you are feeling an attraction to someone other than your spouse, tell your spouse. That confession will cost you something, but not nearly as much as hiding it.
Choose to do what’s right, not just what’s easy.
We know that we haven’t created an exhaustive list here. What would you add to this that we can all learn from?
The Difference Between Conviction & Shame
March 9th, 2010I have prayed about this post for a few days now. I have laid in bed thinking through the wording of what I want to say, because I feel it is so important. My hope is that no matter who you are, no matter where you’ve been, no matter your marital status or your tax bracket…this truth will give you freedom.
I often get emails from people who feel guilty. They have messed up, they have let others down, they have ruined relationships, they have destroyed families, or they have made poor decisions. A phrase that is most common in these emails is a variation of this phrase “I just don’t know if I can forgive myself.”
For over a year I lived in this reality. I felt guilty that my wife had forgiven me, and I didn’t deserve it. I felt guilty that so many people had to pay the price for my foolish decisions. I felt guilty that I couldn’t make right all that I had done wrong. Here is what is jacked: I convinced myself that how I was feeling and the way that I was living was a Godly spiritual response to what I had done.
There is a huge difference between Godly conviction and shame. Conviction is a prompting by the Holy Spirit that something you are choosing in your life isn’t right and you need to repent (turn back to God) for it. Shame is brought on by the Enemy for a sin that you have already been forgiven of, and convinces you that you didn’t deserve that forgiveness and there is still a price to pay. You have to make up for it, you have to work it off…you aren’t good enough to be forgiven yet.
Can I just tell you something…no one deserves forgiveness! No one deserves grace. There might be consequences to your actions and there might be a series of events that happen as a result of your choices, but your forgiveness isn’t dependent on that. Your forgiveness is unconditional, it is immediate and it is enough!
Most of us, no matter our past, live in shame. We don’t live with the awareness and the freedom of our forgiveness we live with the weight and the bondage of shame. When you choose to live in shame you choose daily defeat. You choose to daily defeat who God has provided a way for you to become with His Son’s death on the cross. God longs for you to live in freedom from shame…don’t take my word for it…take His: “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.”
A little over a year after the affair, my precious wife, who had already forgiven me, gave me the gift of this truth. One night, she just told me it was time to stop living ashamed. It was time to stop living as though I hadn’t been forgiven, and start living like I am forgiven. Those words changed my life. My prayer today is that they change yours too.
Are you mistaking shame for conviction?
Is it Worth It?
March 8th, 2010I have to admit that there have been times over the past year I have questioned whether it is worth it. Is RefineUs really worth it? Is it worth the pain of telling the story again? Is it worth being vulnerable? Is it worth it to allow people to see parts of our heart and our darkness that most people don’t talk about? Is it worth it? Trisha and I have often wondered if what we are writing is even making a difference?
Then God allows me to see the vision He has for RefineUs. He gives me a glimpse of what He is doing in the lives of people we’ll never meet. A few days ago, a lady named Michelle left this comment on one of our posts:
My husband confessed an affair to me this morning. We have three precious boys and I know that God led me to this site for a reason (that was several weeks ago…I had NO idea). I would’ve never dreamed it would hit so close to home for me today. Thanks for your ministry. I hope that our marriage can be restored. Please pray for us.
As I read her comment my heart just breaks for her, and two thoughts come to my mind: First, please pray for Michelle and her husband. Pray that he would find brokenness and be desperate for God. Pray for Michelle and her three boys that God would meet them where they are and provide for them in ways that they can’t even imagine. Pray for healing and restoration.
My next thought is it is worth it! If this were the only life that was touched by this ministry, IT IS WORTH IT!
Maybe you are asking the same question I’ve asked- “Is it worth it?” Is it worth it to stay in a marriage that is struggling? Is it worth it to stay pure before you find your spouse? Is it worth it to pursue a dream that you know God has placed in your heart. Is it worth it to be faithful to your spouse that you feel distant with when someone at your office seems more appealing? Is it worth it to forgive? Is it worth it to confess? Is it worth it to tell the truth? Is it worth it?
You may never know how the decisions you are making today will affect someone tomorrow. It is worth it! It is worth it to follow God and to lean into him no matter how discouraging, no matter how disappointing, no matter how difficult. God has a vision for your life and you’ll discover it as you press on…it is worth it!
Is there an area of your life today that you are wondering if it’s worth it?
8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Part 6 (Repost)
March 5th, 2010One would have to question as we dive into part 6 of 8 how in the world Justin and I made it past #5. What is scary about 1 through 5 is that all of them are or can be very subtle! For me it went something like this: “So what… if Justin prayed for everyone in our small group and their issues but not for me! So what… if I gave my best to changing diapers, cleaning the house and going to bible study but gave Justin leftovers. How important is it really to be on the same team when it comes to whether or not the toilet seat should stay-up or down? How can I champion my own dreams as well as Justin’s when we can’t even dream-up something for supper?” Although all of these patterns can be very hurtful in and of themselves they don’t cause enough pain to bring about change. This mistake caused the pain that almost destroyed our marriage…
#6 Forgiveness – forfeiting our future by not forgiving the past
Some of the stories we have shared over the past couple of days have been our deepest and darkest lows. Lows of behavioral patterns that honestly we didn’t understand or believe could cause such collateral damage. I have cut out so many paragraphs of this blog of thoughts I would like to share. Grace, redemption and forgiveness are so intertwined. But the midst of all of these lows, I would like to focus (at least for today) on my inability to get past the past and truly forgive.
When we had our first son Micah in 1996, Justin was a youth pastor in Ohio. He planned a trip to leave for a youth conference five days after Micah was born and because I was young and naïve I was cool with him going. That is… until Micah was actually born. When he left for the conference I was so angry with him and felt like he abandoned me to be a single mom. In weeks and years to follow, anytime Justin and I would fight I would use past hurts like the one I just shared to make Justin see how wrong he was and how right I am. The scary thing is whether we were fighting about finances or family issues, I usually was right and the proof was in the past.
The reality of our relationship was that I had a fatal heart condition in which I didn’t want to forgive past hurts! I wanted to cling to the past and hold onto my rights of being right and it slowly killed our relationship! No matter what we fought about Justin had messed-up in that area before and would continue to do so for years to come and I made sure he knew it. What a hopeless place for Justin to be. If he knows that I can’t truly forgive him for preaching a sermon the same weekend I was having a baby or not being home for supper when he told me he would be then HOW ON EARTH would I forgive him for something big…like having an affair?
It’s sad to say, but for me all of those years of unhealthy patterns didn’t cause enough pain to bring about change in me. It took Justin having an affair for me to hit rock bottom and for the first time face the reality of losing Justin. So what would I choose? Now more than ever I had the right to be the martyr! I had the right to have a faithful husband…I had the right to be angry! Do see where I am going with this? Not much forgiveness here.
Following Christ through all of this meant one thing…. daily handing over my rights to him. Being bitter and angry would eventually lead to my own demise. (Ephesians 4:26) Sin eventually eats away at you convincing you to stick with your rights! But slowly through prayer, counseling, conversations with trusted friends and Justin, Jesus revealed to me that when I laid down my rights to be right and learn to forgive true healing would take place.
I’m not talking about forgiveness for the sake of reconciliation. I am talking about finding freedom by offering forgiveness that is independent of the person’s condition or response. In other words my forgiveness became unconditional. Instead of needing Justin to be the lover of my soul I found Jesus was. When I laid down my rights and offered forgiveness I was able to see the bigger picture of Justin’s pain and my own heart condition. I found freedom in confessing my own issues, taking ownership of them and forgiving myself for what I contributed to our marriage. I found freedom in forgiving Justin regardless if he chose to stay or leave.
Maybe like me you struggle to forgive the small things….and now those small things have turned into big things.I pray freedom for you and for your marriage can be found today by choosing to forgive and believing that Jesus knows what it is like to be wronged, yet he chose to offer forgiveness. When we do the same there is a power that is released in our marriage that brings intimacy and oneness in a way that is not created by holding grudges and clinging to the past. This is a process and not a “one time” event, but that process CAN begin today! The past can be the past!
The Purity Ring
March 4th, 2010Over the past year, my wife and I have been talking very frankly with our oldest son, Micah about sexual purity. He and I have gone through the book Preparing Your Son for Every Man’s Battle. It is brutally honest and has paved the way to some great conversations. Conversations about wet dreams and pubic hair have left me feeling totally uncomfortable at times, but I am so thankful those conversations have been between us…and not just in the locker room with his friends.
Over the past few weeks, Micah has asked if we would get him a purity ring. I don’t know who is getting a bigger gift, Trisha and me or him. So on Friday, we are taking him out to dinner and presenting him with a purity ring.
It won’t be our last conversation about sexual purity…but it will be a milestone in our journey. We are transitioning from a stage of life where we have protected our kids from sexual immorality to one where we offer guidance to them as they choose to embrace purity. It is a weird feeling.
I know that the affair I had almost destroyed my marriage and could have ruined my family. But that event, more than any other in my life, woke me up to the importance of guarding purity. Purity is an odd thing…you can’t have part of it or half of it…you either have it or you don’t.
Purity isn’t perfection…it is the pursuit of a state of heart. The pursuit of purity involves setting boundaries, recognizing temptation and confessing honestly when we mess up. I want a pure heart. I want my boys to have a pure heart.
On Friday, only by the grace of God, Trisha and I will have the opportunity to give our son a physical representation of his pursuit of purity. I feel so thankful, so honored and so blessed!
Anyone else wish their family would have talked about purity more growing up?
Reverse Messiah Complex
March 3rd, 2010One of the things that Trisha and I realized early on when we left ministry in 2005 is that we both suffered from The Messiah Complex. Wikipedia defines this as: A messiah complex is a state of mind in which the individual believes he/she is, or is destined to become, a savior.
This isn’t something you set out to suffer from as a pastor…but over the course of time, it creeps in. You begin to think if I’m not at this event, then it won’t be the same. If I don’t speak this weekend, then people won’t come back to church. If we don’t get together with this couple, then their marriage will fail. If we don’t have them over for dinner then they will stop serving. Before you know it, you are relying more on what YOU do in ministry than what GOD can do. Very slowly, you become the savior, you become the Messiah, your ministry is mostly dependent on you.
We totally lived this way, and didn’t even realize it until it was too late. As much as we suffered from the Messiah Complex in ministry, we suffered from what we call the Reverse Messiah Complex in our marriage. Justin and Trisha define RMC as: A state of mind in which a husband or wife places God like or Messiah sized expectations on their spouse. (This syndrome could apply to friendships as well).
What we realized when were separated, is that as we experienced loneliness, anxiety, stress, fear, depression, insecurity or uncertainty, we looked to one another to save us. We each expected the other to fill a void in our life that only God is designed to fill. It was a lose/lose situation. The person that has the expectations is already hurting, and then they get hurt more as the spouse can’t meet their expectations. Then the spouse that fails to be the Messiah feels like a failure.
The results of RMC is a lot of resentment, a lack of trust and a loss of confidence. Here is our advice to you today for your marriage or for any relationship: If you are feeling unfulfilled in your marriage or in a friendship…if you are feeling resentful of your spouse or of a friend, ask yourself this question: Am I asking them to fill a role in my life or solve an issue in my life that only God can? Am I expecting them to be my Messiah?
This isn’t a “one and done” thing. This is an ongoing process to evaluate and navigate and talk. We still have conversations with one another to discuss our expectations and if they are fair to each other. But having this conversation will improve your marriage and your relationship with God.
Anyone else struggle with Reverse Messiah Complex?
Jesus Doesn’t Want to Fix You
March 2nd, 2010I meet and talk with people all the time that are disappointed. At some point in their life; when they were growing up, when they were in college, when they were in financial trouble, when they got married, when they got divorced, when they had kids; they bought into this version of Christianity that The Church has been selling for years:
My Current Life + Jesus = Life and Life to its fullest.
We in the church sell the Jesus that will fix your problems, will make life more fulfilling, will help you have a better marriage, will give you better friendships, will make you a better parent. This version of Jesus is a best seller! So, like ordering at the drive through of McDonald’s people Biggie Size their life, and they add Jesus.
What quickly happens is we realize this formula for a good life doesn’t work. Jesus plus my marriage doesn’t fix my marriage problems. Jesus plus my finances doesn’t fix my debt problem. Jesus plus my friends doesn’t fix my relationship problem. Jesus plus my job doesn’t fix the lack of purpose I feel in my life. Jesus plus my kids doesn’t fix the disconnect between my kids and me. So over the course of time, we settle for this version of Christianity and we think something is wrong with us or more often we think something is wrong with Jesus.
Here is the biggest problem with living like this. Once we realize that something is wrong with Jesus, and he can’t fix us…we lose hope. We lose hope for our marriage, we lose hope in discovering our purpose, we lose hope in overcoming our addictions, we lose hope in being the parent our kids need, we lose hope in our friendships being deep and meaningful.
The result is that we have a life that is very well lived on the outside, but very empty on the inside. We think that this life with Jesus isn’t all that it was advertised to be.
Jesus doesn’t want to fix you. Jesus doesn’t want to be the Biggie Size at the end of your order. He doesn’t want to be an add on when you can’t figure out life or marriage or friendship. He doesn’t want to make you better.
What does Jesus want? He wants all of you. He wants to see you die so He can live. He wants you to completely surrender the life you’ve tried to construct and invite Him in to recreate you. Jesus doesn’t offer an improved version of you, he is offering a brand new creation.
This life of Jesus comes with a price…it will cost you. The price tag is your life for His life. The cost is you allowing Him to be the leader of your life and not just a tag along.
What you will begin to live is the life you’ve always longed for. What he will give you is the life you’ve always wanted.
Is there an area of your life that you are just adding Jesus onto and hoping He’ll fix it?
Pursuing a Healthy Family
March 1st, 2010A few weeks ago, I did a post asking the readers of RefineUs to help me with a message I was working on for Cross Point. The comments and the suggestions were awesome! Below is the message I gave last Sunday on Pursuing a Healthy Family. It was really a message that ALL of you gave to the people at Cross Point. Thank you for your help and your insight, Trisha and I continue to learn a lot from you.
The bottom line of the message was: You can’t control what family you were born into, but you can control who you become in the context of your family.
P.S. About 2 minutes into the message MY cell phone rings…it definitely caught me off guard!
8 Things that Destroyed Our Marriage Part 5 (Repost)
February 26th, 2010After reading the first four mistakes and knowing that there are four more mistakes coming, one might think “Man, your marriage sucked! No wonder you almost got divorced.” The irony is that we had a good marriage. We had the best marriage we could build. God in his grace and his goodness has shown us where we went wrong and we have allowed Him to change us…and that is the journey we are sharing this week.
This mistake wasn’t in my original 8…but it became so relevant to our lives yesterday, that I felt like God prompted me to include this mistake that almost destroyed our marriage…
#5-When we argued with one another, our objective was to be right (Trisha) or to be at peace (me), rather than to grow closer through our conflict.
We got married the summer before my senior year of college. We were young and in love and somewhat took pride in the fact we never really had a major argument through our time dating. But, man do I remember our first argument…I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember how it ended. Trisha looked at me and said, “I hate you.” Argument over! Whatever the issue was, in that moment, she was right and I was wrong. I never wanted her to feel that way again…so I apologized for whatever I did and we moved on.
As kids came into the picture and ministry responsibilities increased and our life got out of balance, I began to measure the success of our marriage by the absence of conflict. So if we didn’t argue more than we argued, then it was a good week. When conflict arose, I knew that Trisha was probably going to be right; I was probably going to be wrong. I knew the easiest way to move on was to identify why she was mad, try not to make her angrier by saying I thought she was wrong, and just apologize. She would feel better because she was right…I would feel better because there wasn’t conflict.
This pattern got so ridiculous in our relationship that it came to a head on a Saturday night about 6 months before we separated. Trisha was leading worship the next morning and I was speaking (probably on conflict resolution or something)…and we get into this huge argument. After a while, I look up and it is 1:00 AM. I am freaking out. Finally, I just said, “Please just tell me what I need to apologize for so we can go to bed. We can’t lead people closer to God tomorrow if we are like this.” My motivation for resolving our conflict had nothing to do with growing closer to her…nothing to do with becoming more of who God had created us to be…it was the fact that I wanted to stand on a stage with a clear conscious and have people be impressed with who I was pretending to be.
What I have realized is that so often God uses Trisha in my life to hold up a mirror to my soul and expose things in my heart that I wouldn’t see otherwise…and he uses me to do the same for her. When I avoid conflict and when Trisha just pushes to be right, we cheat a refining process that God is doing in our life and in our marriage. Don’t get me wrong…I don’t look forward to fighting with my wife…but when we do disagree and argue…most of the time I recognize it as an opportunity to grow closer through the conflict.
This played out in our life yesterday as Trisha and I got into an argument. We just weren’t seeing things the same way. What was so cool and what brought this mistake to my mind is to see how far God has brought us. Our conversation got intense and each of us voiced our opinion…but we were both going to stay with the discussion for the right reasons…she wasn’t demanding she was right and I wasn’t trying to apologize so the conflict would magically go away. We were both committed to allowing God to work in us through what the other person had to say…and by sticking with it we understood each other’s hearts more in the end.
If you are living your life right now trying to manage your conflict…hoping you don’t argue as much this week as you did last week…I know how miserable that can be. God’s desire is to use the conflict in our marriages to grow us more into the husband and wife he longs for us to be. How do you handle conflict in your marriage? Is there a conversation you could have this week that would allow you to leverage your conflict to become more ONE with your spouse? There is hope…we started with “I hate you.” And look how far we’ve come!
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