When Trisha and I separated in 2005 due to my affair, one of the first things I realized was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how intimidating it was for me to lead my family. Because being a spiritual leader at home was so intimidating, I just didn’t do it. At this point of my life, I had no church to lead and no people to pastor, but by God’s grace I received a second chance with my wife and kids. I was desperate to get it right and be the spiritual leader that God called me to be. But what did that look like?

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of great leaders struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading our wives, our families or ourselves well spiritually. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders outside of our role in ministry:

I have the honor of posting on the Catalyst Blog today. Continue Reading by clicking HERE: 

In 2008, Trisha and I sat in Pete Wilson’s living room visiting with he and Brandi for the weekend. Our families had been friends for several years and he and Brandi were instrumental in the restoration of our marriage. We had been out of ministry for three years and had no aspirations about going back into ministry. One night as we sat and talked around the fireplace, Pete made a promise to us. He said, “God is going to call you back into ministry, and I promise I will do anything I can to help you follow that calling.” Trish and I thought he was crazy. He has followed through with that promise over and over again!

Four years later, I have the honor of not only doing life with one of my best friends, but serving as a pastor at the church he leads, Cross Point Church. He has done so much to encourage, uplift and help Trisha and me, we wanted to do all we could to help him launch his new book, Empty Promises today.

I love this book because it gets to the heart of something we all struggle with: Looking to other things to bring us the contentment and satisfaction that only God can provide. 

We are  giving away 5 AUTOGRAPHED COPIES of Empty Promises this week!

Here’s how to qualify for the giveaway!

1. Leave a comment with your name and where you live. We’ll randomly select the winners on Friday.

2. Tweet, Facebook or Email this: Win a signed copy of @pwilson’s new book, Empty Promises from @justindavis33: http://tinyurl.com/bpqfrku 

That’s it…its that easy! (Let us know in the comment that you’ve shared the post)

Even if you don’t win the book, you can order the book through Amazon by clicking HERE

You can check out the video trailer for the book by going HERE. 

If you’re a faithful reader of our blog I’m sure you’ve noticed that we have had the same post up for several days. At the end of this month Justin and I will turn in our manuscript for our very first book, Anything But Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Isn’t Good Enough. Our book is being published by Tyndale Publishing and will release in February 2013.

In addition to our book, we’ve been asked to speak in several different environments…from churches to marriage conferences to leadership conferences. It’s been a mind-blowing year of what God has chosen to do with RefineUs Ministries. Our blog and our book were both birthed out of a desire to help restore hope and renew relationships. Whether they are marriages that are in crisis or marriages that just need a bit of guidance, it’s been amazing to see life change take place.

We also love our friends that aren’t married that read our blog and understand that the heart of what we write about isn’t as much about marriage as it is about personal life transformation. Our single friends have been some of the most encouraging cheerleaders for us to continue doing what we do.

One thing that Justin and I have been consistent with on this blog is being honest and vulnerable. This post is no different.

Although it’s been an amazing three years leading this blog and ministry if we are honest with you Justin and I are tired. Really tired. What we do and the majority of the people we work with are at a place of entering into crisis or just recovering from crisis. Our emails come fast and furious and are heart wrenching.

In order to write our book Justin and I have had a blast thinking through our almost twenty years together. Although our book is NOT about an affair there is a chapter that is about the affair. There is so much to be thankful while at the same time we have felt afresh just how much has been lost. It’s been an amazing and yet and exhausting process.

The past three months we have witnessed heartbreaking separations and even some divorces of good friends. Statistically speaking, half of the marriages in our congregation at Cross Point will end in divorce. The need and heartbreak extend well beyond our church walls, and into the lives of the thousands of people that read our blog each week.

For us each couple represents a family, kids whose lives are forever changed through heartbreaking choices that their parents make.  It’s just hard and sad to watch over and over again. It seems the “BIG C” church is so used to divorce that we have perfected “Divorce Care” yet have little to offer for “lets not get to the point where we want to get divorced” care.

As Justin and I have spent time in prayer we’ve realized that we need some time to pour into our own marriage beyond writing a book together, doing ministry together, and parenting together. When you lead from a place of exhaustion you lead with a “chip” on your shoulder rather than God leading. When you lead tired you think the worst of people and have a hard time bouncing back from criticism. Justin and I have felt this rear its ugly head off and on over the past few weeks.

The word that God kept bringing to both Justin and I is Sabbath. So we are doing what every marketing expert, blog guru and strategist would say not to do…We are taking a Sabbath from our blog and email.

The reality is that when Justin confessed to the affair on a Sunday afternoon we NEVER went back yet church still happened next week! Although I am thankful for this blog I know that we aren’t the only ones doing effective marriage ministry. Jesus is STILL at work regardless if I am or not. What I do know is that I need to be obedient to God even when it doesn’t make sense.

So with that, not only are we announcing the completion of our book,  but also that Justin and I will be going on a nine-week sabbatical from our blog. We will continue to speak at our various speaking engagements and finding rest in the in-between.  We will be back MONDAY MAY 7^th and we’re really excited for what God will speak to us that we will be able to then share with you!

Thank you for your love and support!

Justin and Trish

One of the most important and uncomfortable things I’ve done over the past five years is engage in conversations with my boys about sex, lust, porn and temptation. It has been awkward and it has been difficult. It has been worth it.

The other day, my son Elijah and I were talking about sexual temptation and the ability we have to act like we don’t struggle with it. Elijah shared some conversations he had with some friends at school and some temptations he has been facing as a 13 year old, seventh grader. He then said, “I just feel really guilty that I am even tempted in that way.”

As Christians, I think we all buy this lie. I think The Church has sold this lie for generations. We should feel guilty for being tempted. We are made to feel dirty for being tempted. We are made to feel shameful for being tempted. We are made to feel far from God because we are tempted.

Here is the truth…Jesus was tempted. The perfect Son of God faced temptation. No matter how spiritual you are, no matter how close to God you are, no matter how put together you are…you will be tempted.

What I shared with my son, Elijah, I want to share with you today: Sin doesn’t come because we are tempted. Sin comes as act like we aren’t tempted. Temptation only grows in secret.

The power of temptation is not in it’s ability to cause us to sin; its in its ability to keep us quiet.

The freedom from temptation we long for comes as we share those temptations with one another and bring them into the light. Maybe we actually sin more because we act like we don’t experience temptation. Our silence gives sin a place to grow into fruition. Could it be possible that we would sin less in our life if we exposed temptation when we experienced it?

What is interesting is that God promises an escape from the temptation; very few of us actually choose to take it.

You have the power through Christ to overcome temptation.

I am praying you will have the courage to choose it.

Temptation only grows in secret.

We have gotten some emails and some messages on Facebook and Twitter about the talks we did last week at Velocity. Churchplanters.com is an amazing organization and has made all the content from the main sessions available. What is cool is that it is totally free!  You can watch all the keynote speakers by clicking here.

We had 20 minutes between the two of us, to speak in session four. We painted in pretty broad strokes during this talk, so we have included a link under the video to our 55 minute breakout session where we had more time to unpack in more detail some key marriage principles.

Thank you again for your support and prayers. A special thanks to Shawn Lovejoy and Tricia Lovejoy for their friendship, their belief in us and support of our ministry.

Listen to our breakout session, “You Are Not Crazy” HERE.

On Tuesday, Trisha and I had the opportunity to speak at the Velocity Conference in Atlanta. (Thank you guys so much for your prayers and your words of encouragement.) We spoke to about 800 church leaders. It was an out of body experience. Three years ago, we lived in Indianapolis, not sure if God would open a door to return to ministry, and on Tuesday, spoke to ministry leaders. Only God.

In the introduction of our message, I shared that this June marks the 10 year anniversary of Trisha and I starting Genesis Church. Ten years ago we sold everything we owned. Ten years ago we moved to a community where we knew four people. Ten years ago we leveraged everything for a vision that God had laid on our heart. God started to bless our young church…in some incredible ways.

Then, three years into our dream, I chose to have an affair, and not only gave up my part of that vision, but cost my wife and so many dear friends their part of that vision too.

After we spoke, I was surprised at the most common question I was asked. “Do you regret your decision? If you could go back and undo your choice, would you?”

Unexpectedly, a flood of emotions ran through my heart and mind. Of course I regret my choices! Of course I wish I could take it back! Of course I wish things would have turned out differently! Of course I want to take back all the pain and hurt I caused so many! Regret overwhelmed me.

Then God spoke to my heart about the truth of regret: Living in regret is fools gold.

-Regret convinces you that you have the power to change the past if you feel bad enough, long enough.
-Regret robs you of the gift of grace by trying to get you to make up for your mistakes.
-Regret leads you into a place of shame and guilt and leaves you there wishing things could be different. 
-Regret defeats the spirit of forgiveness and freedom that Jesus died to give you.

Regret isn’t the same as remorse.

Remorse is defined as “deep and painful contrition.” Remorse is being sorry, not for the consequences of sin, but for the act of sinning. Remorse ushers in grace; makes way for redemption; prepares us for healing.

Regret and remorse are totally different.

Maybe you’ve not been authentically remorseful for a choice you made or a sin you committed. What you need is remorse but what you’ve settled for  is regret.

Regret haunts you. Regret robs you of love and joy and peace and you are exhausted. You have convinced yourself if you feel bad enough, long enough, you can make up for it.

You can’t make up for it. No matter how hard you try.

But Jesus can.

You can’t change the past, but you can stop allowing your past regrets rob you of the future God has for you.

In December we launched a new resource at RefineUs called MentorUs.

MentorUs is a monthly subscription program designed to help couples be intentional in their pursuit of God and their pursuit of their spouse. Each Friday we send an email with a marriage principle, a few Scriptures to read and four or five discussion questions to talk through. Then, once per month, we send a video recapping the entire month with more practical application.

For the month of December we allowed people register for $10 per month or pay for an entire year for $59. We had a tremendous response. In January, the yearly subscription price went to $79. As we have gotten feedback on MentorUs and heard such encouraging stories over the past month, we wanted even more couples to benefit from this weekly marriage resource.

We’ve lowered the price for the month of February back to $59 for the year. But today is the last day of February. So the price goes back to $79 tomorrow.

If you don’t want to commit to an entire year, then you can click here to pay $10 for a month. You can cancel at any time.

But if you want to save BIG time and get a marriage resource emailed to you each week. Then you can register below, and your subscription will begin this Friday.

Trisha and I have the opportunity to speak at the Velocity conference today. We are so honored and a little nervous. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to share our story and speak into the lives of others. It is such a privilege. The conference started yesterday and one of the speakers, Brian Bloye posed a question to us that I think is relevant for every single Christian.

Is Jesus enough?

If everything else goes away…is Jesus enough?

• If your marriage never gets any better…is Jesus enough?
• If you don’t get that promotion…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your house…is Jesus enough?
• If that friendship is never reconciled…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your job…is Jesus enough?
• If you never get remarried…is Jesus enough?
• If that dream you’ve been dreaming for years doesn’t come true…is Jesus enough?
• If he never says he’s sorry…is Jesus enough?
• If she doesn’t choose you…is Jesus enough?
• If the person that means the most to you causes you the most pain…is Jesus enough?
• If everything and everyone goes away…is Jesus enough?

Is Jesus enough?

The truth about me, and probably the truth about you is that most of the time, Jesus isn’t enough…until He’s all you have.

Then, He is more than you could ever imagine.

When we get married, our vision for marriage is a to have a covenant relationship. We are making a promise. We recite vows. We promise to be there. We promise to love unconditionally. We promise in sickness and in health. We are not signing a contract, we are making a promise. We are reciting a covenant that comes from the depth of our heart. This covenant feels right. This covenant feels holy. This covenant feels ordained.

But something happens to most marriages over time. The unconditional love we promised, starts being conditional. The list of things we loved about our spouse slowly drifts to a list of things that irritate us. We aren’t getting what we are putting in. This isn’t what we signed up for. This isn’t what we agreed to. Our covenant relationship has slowly become a contractual agreement.

Here are some signs your marriage is more of a contract than a covenant:

1. Comparison:

You are so disappointed in who your spouse is that you compare them with someone else. You wish they were more handy like so and so’s husband. You wish they could cook like so and so’s wife. You compare them with someone you work with…they don’t listen that well, understand you that much. The comparison game is a dangerous one to play.

2. If-Then Relationship

You will take out the trash if she will do the laundry. You will pick up the kids from school if she will let get off your back about going golfing. There are conditions attached to sexual intimacy. Conditions attached to time spent together. You keep score and you usually win. No one wins in the if-then marriage. You can never do enough.

3. Walking on Egg-Shells

When you are in a contractual marriage you are constantly worried about starting a fight. You walk on egg shells when you get home from work. You walk on egg shells on the weekends. You’re goal is to get through a day, a weekend, a week without an argument. You know your spouses hot buttons and do everything you can to not push them.

4. Score Keeping

In a contractual marriage you always know the score. You know how many times you’ve served them; you’ve given in; you’ve said you’re sorry; you’ve not gotten you way. You keep score of purchases; arguments and times you’ve given something against your will. Your desire isn’t to experience intimacy with your spouse, but to win the score keeping game. (There is no winner in a score keeping marriage.)

God’s vision for your marriage is a covenant not a contract. He longs to have your relationship with your spouse mirror His relationship with you. When you least deserved it, He sacrificed for you. A covenant is an unconditional promise that has no end.

Maybe the best thing you can do for your marriage today is evaluate which type of relationship you have and which type do you want to have.

An honest answer
is like a kiss of friendship. Proverbs 24:26

For the first 32 years of my life, I struggled with honesty. I told the truth, but would exaggerate sometimes. It started with lies to my parents about who spilled milk on the floor in the kitchen, then where I was going on a Friday night. I would fudge the truth with friends on what colleges I was being recruited by to play basketball, I’d lie to professors when asked if I’d read the assignment they had given.

I graduated from college and went into ministry, but honest answers weren’t consistent. I’d lie about how many kids were at youth group. I’d lie to people I didn’t want to do dinner with and tell them I was busy. I’d tell people I didn’t get their message when I had listened to it and didn’t return their call.

My wife wasn’t spared from my stretching of the truth. I’d often tell her I’d be home at a certain time, and consistently show up late. I tell her we had the money to make a purchase when I knew if we spent the money it would have to be taken from another area. I’d over book our calendar and tell her I told her about a dinner we had to go to when I’d never had that conversation.

I rationalized my lies with “They aren’t really hurting anyone. No one will ever find out. They’re just exaggerations.” No one ever sets out to become a liar. No one ever sets out to not be trustworthy. No one ever dreams of having people question what they say because you have exaggerated so much.

I love how the Message translation puts this verse: “An honest answer is like a warm hug.”

Truth is inviting. Truth builds up. Truth is the foundation of relationship. My prayer is that God would allow me to be a person of truth. That when I speak people feel the warmth of truth. When I say something people receive it as though they are hearing it from a friend.

How are you at truth telling? Is there lack of warmth in some relationships because you are withholding truth or stretching the truth?

Who do you need to give a warm hug to this week by giving an honest answer?