Everyone deals with insecurity differently. I spent most of my adult life trying to pretend my insecurity away. I pretended to be better than I really was. I acted like I was closer to God than I really was. I dressed like I had more money than I really had. I spoke with more confidence than I really had. I portrayed that I was a better husband than I really was. Most people would tell me that I struggled with pride, but it was a false pride, born out of insecurity.

I wasted so many days, weeks, months, years worried about what other people thought of me. I can remember speaking on a Sunday morning, and not getting as many compliments as I needed, so I’d go and ask people if they thought it was good. I have bought things I couldn’t afford to impress people I didn’t even like. I’ve said things that weren’t true to cause someone to think I was more important, or more gifted or wiser than I really am. I’ve worried myself sick over what someone thought of clothes that I wore or a comment that I made or a message I preached.

Insecurity will put you in a prison of second guessing. It will infiltrate your friendships. It will erode the intimacy of your marriage. Insecurity will convince you that you aren’t good enough so you better pretend to be better than you really are, and in that moment the YOU that God longs for you to be is lost.

The only cure I’ve found for insecurity is admitting just how insecure you are. It is ironic, actually. The greatest weapon against insecurity is to say, “I’m not secure in who I am.” It is in that moment, God has the room He needs to be all you’ve pretended to be.

Have you seen insecurity rob you of the person God’s created you to be?

Sometimes it happens in an email. Sometimes it happens over coffee. Sometimes it happens after we speak at an event. We share our story of dysfunction, brokenness and restoration. We pull no punches about our mistakes and we don’t sugar coat how hard the recovery process was…how hard it is, still.

Then we’ll get an email; have a conversation or talk to a couple that pour out their heart about their marriage problems. She’s harboring resentment. He’s addicted to pornography. She’s had an emotional affair over Facebook. They live in the same house, but are more like roommates. The problems are all different, but their desire is the same: how can we fix it? How can we have what you have? They are desperate. They will do anything.

Trisha will return an email or I will start to talk about their need for marriage counseling or we will suggest our marriage coaching program or send a link to our MentorUs weekly subscription. Eyes gloss over. Emails aren’t returned. All kinds of reasons are given why marriage counseling won’t work. We want what you have, but don’t want to do what you did to have it.

When a relationship goes bad or a job is lost or our marriage starts to drift, we want God to intervene. We start praying and asking God for a miracle.  We are confident that God can do something about our situation. God can heal our hurt. God can restore our marriage. God can mend a relationship. There are times, if we are honest we want the benefit of a better life without the pain of making better decisions. We expect God to bring change that we aren’t willing to pursue ourselves.

• Some of us are waiting on God to heal a relationship…but we refuse to say we’re sorry.
• Some of us are waiting on God to get us out of debt…but we refuse to stop using credit cards.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us the man or woman of our dreams…but we keep lowering our standards in the people we date.
• Some of us are waiting on God to give us a new job but we refuse to give our best at our current job.
• Some of us are waiting on God to fix our marriage, but we refuse to go to counseling.

How bad do we really want it? We want the blessing of what God can give us without the obedience that God calls us to.

Maybe there are times we don’t see God show up, not because of His inactivity, but because of ours.

How bad do you want it?

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to read and review the book Sons of Grace. Then last week, I sat down with the author Mark Hughes and discussed the book, the concept of grace and how he avoided divorce in his own marriage. You can check out the interview here.

The book is a collection of stories of grace, redemption and second chances. It points our heart to the Cross and reminds us of our own need for grace.

Today, I’m excited to be giving away 5 copies of the book Sons of Grace. All you have to do to enter is leave your name in the comments and what city you live in.

If you want to enter multiple times, and increase your chance to win, then like this post and let us know in the comments.

If you want to triple your chance of winning and you are on Twitter, then copy and past this to Twitter:

Enter to win a FREE copy of the book Sons of Grace from @justindavis33 and RefineUs: http://bit.ly/A1Dpmt

We will decide on the five winners on Sunday and ship you the book on Monday.

So enter to win…where are you from?

Today’s post is from our friend Angela Hunter. We met Angela and her husband Scott last fall at the Lifeway Festival of Marriage Event. We instantly hit it off with them. Their story of redemption and restoration is a miracle. They lead a marriage ministry called Marriage On Fire. We are honored to have Angela share with us today.

You can “Like” them on Facebook:

You can check out their ministry web site: Marriage On Fire

We so grateful to have Scott and Angela as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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Almost seventeen years ago I said “I do” and I thought marriage would be easy. Scott and I had so much love and passion for each other from the very start, so what could be so difficult…right?

I don’t have a clue as to why I believed marriage would be easy. Perhaps because my parents, who will celebrate 45 years of marriage this July, made it look so effortless. Maybe it was my grandparents, who will celebrate 70 years, also this July. I am deeply grateful for the legacy established in my family of long and happy marriages but I’m pretty sure I thought marriage would be easy because I was just plain naïve. Scott and I loved each other so much, what could be so hard about that?

Insert REALITY somebody please! Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, about our marriage has been easy…

Scott and I are a blended family so when I married him, I gained a beautiful six year old daughter, Amanda. We knew absolutely nothing about blending a family. We closed on our house the week we got married. We knew nothing about budgeting or financial planning. We were married for only three months and I got pregnant with our daughter, Kailey. Twenty-three months after Kailey was born, God blessed us with another daughter, Courtney. When Scott and I celebrated our 3^rd wedding anniversary we realized that I had been pregnant exactly ½ of our marriage up until that point!

Between year 2 and 3 our marriage was the polar opposite of easy. We didn’t know how to communicate with each other anymore. We argued about everything. We were in debt. Resentment was building. Unbeknownst to me, Scott had an extramarital affair during this time. Easy was long gone…

Six years into our marriage we were tired of doing things our way. My skewed vision of “easy” translated to zero effort on my part in our marriage. We were tired of being selfish, prideful and unwilling to make changes. Scott gave his heart to Christ and committed to becoming the spiritual leader of our home. We had to dig deep, push our sleeves up, and become intentional about working toward a healthy marriage. God was leading the way but it wouldn’t be easy.

So, in the beginning I did think marriage would be easy, but the reality is that marriage is so much better than easy. Healthy marriages require hard work, sacrifice, discomfort, thought, reflection and two people totally sold out to Christ. That’s way better than easy in my book.

Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

Today’s post is from our friend Brent Hodge. Brent is married to Tammy and they serve in ministry here in Nashville at Cross Point. Brent and Tam were friends before we were c0-workers. They are such a blessing to our lives!

You can follow Brent on Twitter
You can follow Tammy on Twitter

You can check out Brent’s Blog and Tammy’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brent and Tammy as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be different.

As a teenager, I knew what I wanted in a woman. The day I met Tammy, I knew she was it! When Tammy and I knew we were to be married, everything changed for me. All of a sudden, things got real serious. This was it. I would spend the rest of my life with Tammy. Wow!

I felt so unprepared to be a husband. I was immature. Especially in relationship. Sure, I had dated a couple girls in my life. But, this was different. No longer could I write a note and “break up” with my girlfriend. No longer could we have a fight and not talk for a week. I wasn’t going to be able to just leave because I didn’t like the way she was acting. Nope, everything was different now.

Everything had to be different…

I was now about to marry a young lady that deserved my love, respect and complete attention. And my immature self, had a lot to learn. Marriage is different than anything I had ever experienced. Marriage meant surrender. Marriage meant Humility. Marriage meant doing things I had never done, so that someone else would benefit, even if it didn’t benefit me.

I now know why God equates the relationship between his people, the church and Jesus as a marriage. It’s a relationship like no other. It’s a relationship that demonstrates grace and forgiveness. It’s a relationship that challenges traditional thought. It’s a relationship that seeks the best in our partner and always intends to support and serve the other.

Marriage is different. And because it’s different, it requires us to accept and seek out the wisdom and guidance of others. None of us go into a marriage knowing what to do and who we need to be to make it work. First of all, everyone is different. Second of all, we have a lot to learn.Tammy and I have been fortunate to have loving couples that have been examples for us. Mentors for us. People that have given us a word of critique or a comment of concern. Those that have encouraged when they’ve seen progress and those that have celebrated with us when there has been reason to celebrate. These people have been young and old. Newly married and married for years and years.

Marriage is different. Different than anything we will ever experience. It will challenge us, hurt us and stretch us in new and sometimes very difficult ways. But with those experiences, it will bless us, fill us and grow us in the most amazing ways we will ever.

Tammy and I are 21 years down the road. And we have a lot to learn. And… we have so much to celebrate. The next 21 are going to be amazing. And then, I pray, we experience 21 more after that.

Today’s post is from our friend Brian Clayville. Brian is married to Jenni and together they serve in ministry in El Paso, Texas.

You can follow Brian on Twitter
You can follow Jenni on Twitter

You can check out Jenni’s Blog

We so grateful to have Brian and Jenni as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.

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I thought marriage would be simple bliss. But in reality, marriage has stretched me and challenged me in every aspect of my being.

From the time I was a young child, I knew I would get married one day. Through childhood programming, I decided that the mid-twenties is the earliest one should be married. So, as I went through my short time at college and then into my first job, I had no thoughts of looking for a wife. It was my time to enjoy life with no serious commitments. Then at 25, I met Jenni and quickly fell for her.

I knew marriage would not be all simple bliss, but I had no concept of how big some of our blind-spots were. Neither of us could imagine the impact of emotional damage that Jenni had endured in her 22 years and still needed to heal from. All of these things were lurking just under the surface, waiting to be exposed through the process of marriage.

I describe marriage as a process because that is what it is. It’s a refining process that God has designed to help us reach our full potential as His children. He wants us to operate at the highest level possible. For us to do that, we need someone in our life that knows us on every level. Not only knows us… but is willing to be honest with us and love us through the refining years.

If we aren’t teachable, many of those years can be ugly with short burstful moments of beauty. If we are learning and growing at a decent pace, the beauty should begin showing through more frequently. And if we are teachable, moldable and humbly submitting ourselves to refinement… with time, beauty should be the norm.

God has taught me that I cannot judge motives simply by how I feel in the moment. Instead, He has taught me:

• Growth and intimacy can come more quickly if I’m willing to sacrifice my pride to better understand my bride.
• That I need to lead spiritually and risk being uncomfortable for my family’s spiritual health.
• My marriage is vulnerable and I must be engaged and in pursuit of growth everyday.
• But most importantly, God has taught me to protect my bride from emotionally damaging people no matter how close these people are and how difficult this may be.

Marriage CAN be simple bliss with unbelievable intimacy… but the foundation has to be properly built around God’s plan for refinement of our individual characters. Without the basic ground work being done, marriage will always be a struggle and seem like hard work.

My marriage experiences this simple bliss at times. It’s awesome when Jenni and I are clicking in this way. In all honesty, I am still being refined and sometimes I refuse to submit to the process or I refuse to take the uncomfortable role of leadership that is needed in the moment. I don’t give up. I fight on because the goal is worth the challenge.

Join me in refining yourself so you can experience “Simple Bliss” in your marriage.

I’m really excited about our blog posts for this week. Valentine’s week holds a special place in our blog’s heart. We launched RefineUs 3 years ago this week.

This summer, Trisha and I realized that in order for RefineUs to continue to help restore hope and renew relationships like we feel God has called us to do, this ministry had to expand beyond us. Actually, RefineUs was never meant to be about us, it’s always been about the redemption that God can bring to any heart; any relationship; any marriage.

We have asked some friends that we trust and that understand the vision of RefineUs to come along side us and help coach couples. Our marriage coaching program can now serve four times as many couples. We are so thankful for their investment and partnership.

We’ve asked each of our marriage coaches to do a guest post this week. The theme of the posts will be around the topic of expectations. We all had expectations when we got married….we all expected marriage to be ___________ and it ended up being _____________.

Sometimes our expectations were unrealistic, other times they were just unmet. I know the posts this week are going to speak to your heart.

If you would like more information on our four month marriage coaching program, CLICK HERE to find out more and move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire.

Happy Valentine’s Week and thank yo for being a part of our community.

A few weeks ago, I shared with you a review of the book, Sons of Grace. If you love redemption stories, then the book is an awesome book to read. You get a front row seat with ten different men as they encounter Christ and His grace. As a person that loves second chances, this book reminded me of how thankful I am for grace. I had an opportunity to chat with Mark Hughes, the author of Sons of Grace and we wanted to share that with you today. Enjoy!

We will be giving away 5 copies of the book next week.

What is the last book you’ve read?

One of the most common questions we get when we are speaking with or coaching couples is: “What was the most important thing you did to restore your marriage?”

Most of the time, people don’t agree with Trisha’s answer. Almost all the time they don’t like her answer. She will tell you the most pivotal and most difficult decision she made that lead to our restoration was packing up my things and kicking me out.

There are marriage principles that are true for all marriages; and then there are marriage principles that are different for every couple based on their circumstances, history and situation. While we believe in separation for the purpose of reconciliation, we know it isn’t the right choice for everyone. But here is the principle that applies to every marriage: Trisha couldn’t talk me into choosing her.

This is the most counter-intuitive principle, but it can literally save your marriage if you will absorb it.

• You can’t talk him into telling the truth
• You can’t talk her into not chatting with that guy on Facebook
• You can’t talk him into not watching porn
• You can’t win him back by begging him to come back
• You can’t win her over by walking on egg shells and trying to be perfect
• You can’t talk him into not texting her again
• You can’t talk her into loving you
• You can’t talk him into being committed to you or your marriage

When our marriage is drifting; when our marriage is disconnected; when our marriage is falling apart; when our spouse has had an affair; our natural instinct is to think: If I beg him, he’ll stay. If I’m a perfect husband, she’ll fall back in love with me. If I can convince him how much I love him, then he’ll choose me over pornography.

The problem is we can talk our spouse into a behavioral change, but we can’t talk them into heart transformation. Who wants to be in a marriage that they have been talked into? Who wants to be in a relationship that they’ve manipulated their spouse into staying or loving or being committed to?

Talking them into it:

• Enables them
• Delays the brokenness they need to change their heart
• Allows them to focus on you and not on their choices, dysfunction or sin
• Gives you a false sense of hope that things will be different
• Places you in a parental, supervisor or investigator role that you were never meant to have
• Leads you to the same place in 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years from now

If you are at a place in your marriage where you are trying to change your spouse’s behavior by talking them into it…my advice is stop. Take a step back and reconnect with God. Begin to pursue the person you know God is calling you to be, and allow God to be God for your spouse. You can’t talk them into repentance. You can’t talk them into commitment. You can’t talk them into integrity.

Only God can do that.

Allow Him to do what only He can.

It will be the most difficult thing you will do. But, it could be the most important thing you will do.