I’ve (Trisha) been trying to write this post for the past week. When I try to write, my thoughts are so deep and heavy I’m afraid to put words to them. I’m searching for words to make my thoughts feel lighter and safe but I can’t. Instead I’m going for honest and raw and praying somehow Jesus will land them softly into your heart. I pray you will read the entire post knowing my words will get lighter.

I had no desire to go back into ministry after leaving our church plant in 2005. Like never. Ever! My husband Justin was making great money as an executive recruiter. I was a happy stay-at-home mom getting to finish my college degree. It had been four years of rest and restoration for our marriage and our family. I didn’t need to go back into ministry to feel my restoration was complete. I was content, happy and safe.

I’m writing today for ChurchPlanters.com. Read the rest of the this post by clicking HERE:  

What if your biggest mistake was known by everyone? What if the worst mistake you’ve ever made was on every news channel; on every web site; on the front page of every news paper; was the lead story on every network?

What if your darkest moment was on display for everyone to see; to criticize; to pronounce judgment?

As a human being, as a father and as a sex abuse victim myself, there is no way that I condone the choice Joe Paterno made to not do more to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. That was a huge mistake. There is no excuse for that choice. None.

But why is it easy for us to magnify a person’s failure and minimize their accomplishments? Why are we quick to point to all that is wrong with a person and overlook all the good they tried to do in their lifetime?

Why is it easy to forget about the sin that rages in our hearts and salivate at the opportunity to point out someone else’s sin?

Sexual abuse takes place in our world every day. Sexual abuse takes place in our city every single day. Statistically speaking, sexual abuse takes place in most of our neighborhoods every single day. I have done nothing about it this week; this month; this year. I am not aware of a specific instance, but I am aware of it. How responsible am I?

It makes me sad that we feel better remembering a person for the mistakes that they made rather than the good they have done.

Maybe the truth is we try to make our own legacy look better by pointing out the imperfections of others. If the truth were told about each of us, we all have a tainted legacy.

When we truly focus on the grace given to us by Christ, we are able to see our own need for a second chance and live with eternal gratitude for it. 

I wish there was a magic pill that made healing easier than it is. I wish there was a magic pill that would give people the marriage they desire. I wish there was a magic pill that restored broken relationships between parents and their kids. I wish there was a magic pill that made the pain of abuse go away. I wish there was a magic pill that made everything better.

So often in my life, I convince myself that there is a magic pill to take. Even though it has taken me years to get into debt, I think I should be able to get out in a matter of weeks. Even though my marriage has been on a slow decline for years, I can’t understand why the magic pill of “I’m sorry” or one counseling session doesn’t fix it. Even though I have had a sexual addiction for more than a decade, I convince myself that putting software on my computer will solve my problem.

There is no doubt God can heal. We have experienced it personally and in our marriage. But healing, the type of healing that you desire, is a process not a magic pill. It is often difficult and it almost always takes more courage than we have; more time than we want to give; and more of God in more of our heart.

While there isn’t a magic pill there is a path that is available, if you will choose it.

-Surrender: Giving up your desire to control. Giving up your will to try harder. Admitting you have no ability and no power and surrendering your heart and life to Christ.

-Honesty: Most of us don’t experience healing in an area of our life because continue to tell lies to ourself. We fail to admit our weaknesses. We do our best to talk our way out of our mistakes. We justify our poor choices. We make excuses for our failures. Healing comes when we are willing to be honest with one person: ourselves. We remain incapable of telling others the truth when we continue to lie to ourself.

-Transparency: Intimacy in a relationship is only limited by the amount of transparency in that relationship. When transparency is compromised, so is intimacy. The healing of our heart is tied to our willingness to be transparent.

-Trust: Our ability to trust and be trusted is the foundation for moving forward in our relationship with God; with our spouse; with others; even with ourself. The greatest feeling in the world is actually being the person others perceive you to be. A life with no pretending is the birthplace of trust.

-Pursuit: You will not drift into healing, you will have to pursue it. You will have to fight for it. Healing doesn’t come easy; it means forgiving; it means late nights; it means hard conversations; it means coming to terms with your past. You will have to chase down healing. Pursue it.

There is no magic pill…but there is a path.

The great news today is God promises to be with you every step of the way. He is fighting for you more than you are fighting for you.

For years Trisha and I had the same belief about one another that became a self-fulfilling prophesy and left both of us frustrated and defeated. My guess is that there are so many people that struggle with this same feeling every single day.

You say it under your breath. You scream it as you slam a door. You say it as you throw up your hands and walk away. This feeling makes its way to the surface in arguments. It creates a sense of resignation. It makes you feel like you fight about the same thing over and over and over again.

Here is the feeling that most husbands and wives live with every single day: No matter what I do, it is never good enough.

Ever felt that way?

-No matter how much money I make she’s never satisfied.

-No matter how nice our house is, its not big enough.

-No matter how often we have sex, its never often enough.

-No matter what I wear, it’s not good enough.

-No matter what chores I do, I never do them good enough.

-No matter what I make for dinner, it just not enough.

-No matter how much I give, I don’t give enough.

-No matter how much I listen, I never listen enough.

It is amazing how two people can live in the same house, commit their lives to one another and always feel inadequate. When what you give always comes up short, why give so much?

Maybe the feelings of defeat you feel are the same feelings your spouse is feeling. This weekend could be a turning point. You could go out this weekend and instead of complaining about all that your spouse isn’t, share with them all that they are. That could be a game changer…for you and for them.

Have a great weekend.

Last night I was doing some reading and writing our weekly MentorUs resource and I came across this verse. It isn’t new, but it hit my heart in a brand new way:

Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That word submit gets a bad rap sometimes. We say it in our wedding and then resent it in our marriage. But the word submit simply means “to put someone else ahead of yourself.”

Your preference is more important than my preference.

Your desires more important than my desires.

Your wishes more important than my wishes.

You being right more important than me being right.

You are more important than me…that is submission.

God’s desire is that both people in a marriage make the other person more important than themselves.

Over the last week we’ve had several people email us or talk to us personally about pornography. How did I stop watching it? Do I have a desire to watch it? Am I still addicted to it? How did we overcome it?

What I’ve realized is what kept me in bondage to a sexual addiction wasn’t porn, it was pride. It was a lack of submission. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit my problem. My pride wouldn’t allow me to seek help. My pride was more important than submitting to Christ or to my wife. My pride was bigger than my porn problem. My pride kept my porn problem big.

Pride is a cancer that will eat us alive.

What we have realized is that pride is the cause of so many issues. We meet with couples who are struggling in their marriage; Trisha talks to a friend that has been hurt by a friend…what it usually goes back to is pride.

Pride…

-It’s why you’re not satisfied with the house you live in

-It’s why you feel entitled to that job or that promotion

-It’s why you won’t say you’re sorry

-It’s why you talk to your wife like she’s a dog

-It’s why you pretend to be closer to God than you really are

-It’s why you spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like

-It’s why you won’t forgive

-It’s why you don’t respect your husband

-It’s why you refuse to admit you’re wrong

Pride is probably our greatest hurdle to become the man or the woman that God created us to be. It is pride that is preventing you from asking for help. Pride longs to rob you, to cheat you, to convince you that life is best lived looking out for you.

It is a cancer that will one day take over your heart. The great news today is that pride’s defeat begins by recognizing its presence.

What area of your life is pride holding you hostage? 

Justin and I love listening to couples that enjoy talking about their spouse and their marriage relationship. We often will ask them questions to get to the core of why their marriage seems to be on the right track (not perfect but on the right track). It doesn’t matter if your married or single we would love from you too!

What are the top three characteristics that you feel make a great marriage?

Our youngest son Isaiah is playing Upward Basketball this season. Upward is less about being competitive and more about fun. One of the ways that value expresses itself in Isaiah’s age group is that they don’t keep score on the score board. So as the game goes on, the score never changes. It is always 0-0. But the truth is, both coaches always keep score. So while everyone says they don’t keep score, the score is kept.

The same is true for most marriages. We are great score keepers aren’t we? Our marriage scoreboard may say 0-0 but in our heart, we know the score. We know exactly how much our spouse owes us. We know exactly how far ahead we are. We take mental notes. We keep track. What we used to be grateful for we have now come to expect. Our score keeping mindset comes from one word that infects most of our hearts: entitlement.

Entitlement’s favorite three words are: You. Owe. Me. I know the score and you owe me. Entitlement always knows how many points ahead you are. Entitlement always knows what your spouse has to do to make it up to you.

• You want to go out with your friends? You owe me.
• You want to go shopping with your sister? You owe me.
• You want me to watch the kids so you can have a night out? You owe me.
• You expect to have dinner on the table when you get home? You owe me.
• You want me to work longer hours so you can be a stay at home mom? You owe me.
• You want me to have sex with you when I don’t feel like it? You owe me.
• You like having clean clothes in your closet each week? You owe me.
• You want me to come home early so you can go to the movies? You owe me.

Most of us get married and we are so thankful for our spouse. We get married with a high sense of gratitude. Over time gratitude turns into resentment? How is it that we resent the person that we should be the most thankful for? You can’t be grateful for what you feel entitled to.

Entitlement quietly kills great marriages. Entitlement turns teammates into opponents. Entitlement allows us to overlook what we can give to a relationship and only see what we are owed by the relationship. Entitlement enables you to keep score and believe that what you deserve is greater than what you should be thankful for. When entitlement sets into your heart resentment is soon to follow.

What if the score was really 0-0?

What if you replaced entitlement with gratitude?

Over the past few days, we’ve been in several conversations with people rocked by affairs. We’ve talked to devastated spouses trying to find hope and healing because of what their spouse chose. We’ve talked to repentant and remorseful spouses that broke trust and destroyed their marriage. Some conversations have been in person, some over the phone, some over email. Each couple; each relationship; each mistake; each affair were all different. But one thing kept being repeated.

-We reconnected on Facebook then started texting

-She started texting him for work and it grew from there

-He DM’d me on Twitter and we started flirting with each other; it seemed innocent at first

-Our texts started out as business, then turned personal, then got inappropriate 

No one thinks they will have an affair. We don’t get married with a date circled on the calendar when we will cheat on our spouse.

Our hearts have been so heavy the past few days thinking about all of the hurt and all of the damage that started with texting. People are always more bold and more courageous over text, twitter and Facebook than they ever would be in person.

We wanted to share some warning signs when it comes to texting.

It could be a red flag…

-When sending or receiving a text from a certain person causes an emotional reaction in your mind (only you will know this)

-When you or the person you are texting start exchanging emotions or personal feelings

-When you the person you are texting compliments you on a personal or physical level

-Any time you send or receive a text that you wouldn’t be able to read out loud to your spouse

-Anytime you send or receive a text that is flirtatious or sexual in nature

-Anytime you are texting someone more than you are texting your spouse

-When you share frustrations or unmet expectations with someone of the opposite sex about your own marriage

-When you send a text that compares that person with your spouse

-When you receive a text that compares you with their spouse

Words carry power. Please choose the words you text to anyone of the opposite sex wisely.

You probably don’t intend to cheat on your spouse. No one does. Inappropriate relationships can start with a text message and left unevaluated lead to a place that brings all kinds of hurt and brokenness.

If you are in a place where inappropiate texting is taking place and you feel like you don’t have a way out, please email us. Even if you’ve already crossed a line, you don’t have to cross the next one. We are here to help.

On Monday nights we usually go to the YMCA to work out, then join friends at Mexican Restaurant afterwards to undo everything we just accomplished at the gym. This past Monday we walked in and my youngest son started acting a little weird and got a funny look on his face. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Trisha arrived a few minutes after me; sat down and said, “Did you see Isaiah’s girlfriend over there?” The weirdness made sense. I immediately stood up and pointed and stared at her and asked Isaiah if he wanted to introduce me. He did not.

We were driving home, just Isaiah and me, and I said, “Does your girlfriend really like you are does she just like you as friends?” “She really likes me!” “Really? How do you know?” “I wrote her a note and I said, ‘Do you like me? Yes or No please check one.’” I simply gave him a fist bump and said, “That move is so money. I’m proud of you.” We had a laugh and then I told him 9 year olds can’t have real girlfriends.

You remember when you used to write love notes? You remember when you first started dating your spouse how exciting it was? You remember when you used to pursue her? You remember when you couldn’t wait to see him?

My little conversation with Isaiah reminded me of a few things that could really help your marriage this week:

1. Pursue your spouse. 

What if you asked your wife out on a date this Saturday? What if you found a babysitter; made reservations; cleared the calendar; bought flowers; and asked your wife if she would go out with you? What if you got up early tomorrow morning and made your husband breakfast in bed? What if you woke your husband up tomorrow morning and offered something else in bed? When is the last time you pursued your spouse? Not for you…but for them?

2. Write them a love note. 

What if you wrote your husband a love note, telling him how much you love him. What if you sent your wife a text message right in the middle of a busy day? What if you sent your spouse an email listing all the things you love about them? It is one thing to say you love them. It is another thing to show how much you love them by putting it in writing.

3. Give a compliment. 

When is the last time you told your husband he is sexy? When is the last time you told your wife how beautiful her eyes are? When is the last time you complimented her effort as a mom? When is the last time you said how much you appreciate all his hard work? When is the last time you gave a compliment…not to receive anything in return, just to give to them.

How you used to feel is very much connected to what you used to do.

Almost every day we get emails from people who are experiencing the pain, loss and devastation of an affair. They are wounded and hurt and don’t know what to do or where to turn. They want their life back; their marriage back; their spouse back. Often as we read through the emails and then begin to correspond with the man or woman that sent it there is a belief that at some point in the future, their spouse will make up for all the pain they caused. When their spouse makes it up to them, then they can move on; then they can forgive; then they an rebuild. This expectation will always leave a void in a persons’ heart. Because if your spouse has a sexual addiction; if your spouse has had an emotional affair; if your spouse has had a physical affair, there is nothing they can ever do to make that up to you. When making up for it is the expectation:

• You will become a suspicious person
• You will become a resentful person
• You will become an insecure person
• You will manipulate and guilt trip to get your way
• You will live out of fear and worry

The bar can never be set high enough for you to find the redemption you are looking for. When you are waiting for your spouse to make it up to you, they will always fail and you will be left searching for one more thing that will make the pain feel better. The redemption you are looking for can only be found in Jesus. You trying to find your own redemption through your spouse’s performance will never give you the marriage you desire.

For as many emails we get from spouses that are devastated, we get just as many from spouses that are broken and desperate. They are the ones that cheated; they are the ones that have a sexual addiction; they are the ones that broke their marriage covenant. They want help; they want their marriage back; they will do anything to make this up to their spouse. If they could just prove to their spouse how sorry they are, then that would make up for all the hurt they have caused. There is only one problem: You can never make up for it. You will never be able to say enough or do enough to make up for it. It isn’t possible. When a spouse starts to live with the mission of making up for it:

• You work really hard to not make your spouse mad
• You walk on egg shells cause you know you were the one that messed up
• You don’t give your opinion or feedback because you don’t feel like you have that right
• You constantly feel guilt and shame for all the mistakes you have made.

Living in a performance based marriage will never build intimacy.

Here is the truth…you can’t make up for it. You can’t redeem yourself. The redemption you desire can only be found in Jesus. When you spend all of your time trying to perform and make up for your mistakes, you rob God of the work that He needs to do in your heart.

The answer is grace. It is grace that provides redemption. For the spouse that is hurting, it is offering forgiveness. It doesn’t mean trusting, but it does mean forgiving. The power that forgiveness has to bring redemption is greater than anything you can demand.

For the one that has done the hurting, it is receiving grace and living out of the forgiveness that Christ offers. It is only in that forgiveness that you can find the freedom you desperately need.