4 Questions that Lead to Freedom

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Why do we hide so easily? Fear of rejection. Fear of judgment. Fear of the consequences of honesty. Fear of losing a relationship. No decision made in fear is ever healthy. I think it was Andy Stanley that said, “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.” I spent three years in an “accountability “ relationship in which I wasn’t transparent. I…

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The Difference Between Forgiveness and Trust

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Most of us want to forgive. We don’t want to hold a grudge. We don’t want to be bitter. We don’t want our lives to be consumed with resentment. But more than wanting to forgive, we don’t want to be hurt again. There is this natural belief that if we forgive, then we are not only saying what that person did was okay, we are being vulnerable enough to allow…

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What I Wish I Could Tell the 22-Year-Old Me

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I just celebrated my 39th birthday. Not sure “celebrated” captures how I feel about it. I am in my last year of my thirties and retrospection seems to be a natural response to getting older. I was thinking about the last seventeen years. Seventeen years of marriage. Sixteen years of being a parent. So many mistakes. So many repeated mistakes. So much pain I could have avoided. I wish the…

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Repost Friday: Accountability Is Useless

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Accountability is Useless: When Trisha and I first got married and entered ministry in 1995, I prided myself on being a person that was accountable. I was accountable in my choices: I wouldn’t counsel with a woman behind a closed office door; I wouldn’t give a teenage girl a ride home from church without another person in the car. I wouldn’t do lunch with a female without my wife or another male…

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You Can’t Talk Them Into It

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One of the most common questions we get when we are speaking with or coaching couples is: “What was the most important thing you did to restore your marriage?” Most of the time, people don’t agree with Trisha’s answer. Almost all the time they don’t like her answer. She will tell you the most pivotal and most difficult decision she made that lead to our restoration was packing up my…

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Check Your Texts

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Over the past few days, we’ve been in several conversations with people rocked by affairs. We’ve talked to devastated spouses trying to find hope and healing because of what their spouse chose. We’ve talked to repentant and remorseful spouses that broke trust and destroyed their marriage. Some conversations have been in person, some over the phone, some over email. Each couple; each relationship; each mistake; each affair were all different. But one…

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Top 5 Posts of 2011: #4 Enough to Look Accountable

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Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012. _______________________ On Friday, Trisha and I were on our way to…

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The 80/20 Rule

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Last night my phone received several text messages. Two friends were texting me about the same issue just different circumstances. The first, I have walked with for more than a year. He has shared with me parts of his heart that he hasn’t shared with anyone else, other than his wife. He desire is freedom. His heart longs for healing…from his past…from his sin…from his addiction. He has been honest,…

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Enough To Look Accountable

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On Friday, Trisha and I were on our way to Indiana to show the house we still own to some potential renters. About half way through the trip, I got a call from a good friend. The conversation was sadly all too familiar. “A few days ago, a really good friend of mine confessed to an affair”, my friend said. “How well do you know this guy, how close are…

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Finding Redemption From Failure Part 2

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Yesterday, I shared with you two reasons why we forfeit the work God longs to do in our heart when we fail. God’s desire is redemption. But so often we think we can redeem ourselves. 1. We hide our failures. 2. We aren’t sorry (to the point of change) for our failures. God longs to redeem. He longs to make new. He is the God of second chances. While God…

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