We want to pray for you this weekend. As a couple…as a community, let’s come around one another and encourage one another in prayer. So often I think we try to fix our issues, we try to pretend our problems away. But I love this passage in James:

Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, that you might be healed.     James 5:16

Healing comes as we share our burdens with one another and pray for one another. So we invite you to leave a comment. You don’t have to leave your full name or even a real email address. Leave your prayer request and we will be praying for you. God knows your heart. Mighty things can happen this weekend as we pray and encourage one another.

How can we pray for you?

We’ve had several people send us this video.

This is Jeff Bethke. His spoken word videos have blown up on YouTube. He makes some statements in this video that are so powerful and so thought provoking:

• Marriage will make you better or bitter
• What we’re doing isn’t working, just look at the rate of our divorces
• Marriage is prison more than the paradise we were promised
• Dating feels like a vacation, while marriage feels like a job
• We might share a checkbook and a house, but are we actually friends
• It’s not love that sustains the promise, but the promise that sustains the love
• We don’t fall out of love as much as we fall out of repentance

A place where marriages are not just happy but holy….that is our dream for RefineUs.

What are your thoughts on the video?

This week at Leading and Loving It we’ve had the awesome opportunity to hear from some amazing women at the JustONE Virtual Conference about expectations we as pastors wives place on ourselves. Not only did I learn a lot, I felt challenged to ask myself several hard questions. But one question in particular kept coming to mind:

What expectations do I place on myself?

The crazy thing is the more I thought about this question the more I kept thinking of my husband, Justin. Holly Furtick spoke on “not ridding your husbands spiritual coattails” so maybe that’s why Justin keeps coming to mind. This conference after all is about me… right? So why do I keep coming back to him? But that’s just it; my first thought was of Justin because often times I expect things from him in ways God never designed him to give. This is the gray area of being led spiritually by our husbands and not living vicariously through them.

I’m writing at Leading and Loving It today. Click here to read the rest of the post:

In 1998 Trisha and I moved from Saint Charles, Illinois to Kokomo, Indiana. This move, in my mind would be the move that made everything better. Our son Micah was two years old, Trisha was pregnant with Elijah, and our marriage of three years wasn’t going how either of us envisioned it would go. This move was going to be special because we were going to be moving from a $800 per month, 800 sq. ft apartment to a $525 per month, 1200 sq. ft house that we were buying! We were buying our first house.

In my mind, this would solve everything. Our house had a yard, it had neighbors, it had privacy, it had sidewalks, it had space. We were going to own it. I was convinced that this house would fix Trish. This house would solve our problems; this would would reduce the frequency of our arguments. This house would cover all of the things we disagreed about.

I soon came to realize that our first house didn’t fix it.

The truth is that we can never expect an external thing to fix internal problems. That just won’t happen.

So often when people are having marriage problems, they have this belief that if we just had this or if we just accomplished that or if we just got this or just moved there, then the problems in our relationship will go away or be solved. Our marriage will be better when:

• I get that promotion
• We get out of debt
• We move to a bigger house
• I finish my degree
• We make more money
• We move closer to “home”
• We have a baby

Babies are great. But a baby won’t fix it. A baby won’t fix the distance you feel. A baby won’t restore trust when trust has been broken. A baby won’t help you be more honest with each other. A baby won’t bring you closer spiritually. A baby won’t help you forgive. A baby won’t cause him to pursue you more. A baby won’t fix it.

We can’t count on something external, whatever that something is, to fix an internal problem.

There are two things that will fix what is wrong with your marriage.

• Pursuing God
• Pursuing your spouse

When you do those two things, you allow what is broken in your heart, in your relationship, in your soul to begin to find healing. You begin to move closer to God and closer to your spouse and in that process you begin to address the issues that you have rather than counting on a new house or a job promotion to cover those issues up.

A baby won’t fix it. But your pursuit of God and your spouse can.

Every few months, we get emails from different publishers or literary agents asking if we would be willing to review a book that their author has published. We only say yes when the book is something we are interested in or could be a resource for you.

A few weeks ago, we got an email about a book called Sons of Grace. Honestly, I had never heard of the author, Mark Hughes, (author of Buzz Marketing) but the title of the book intrigued me. The request wasn’t for us to review the book or promote the book, but simply asked for our address so they could send me a copy of the book to read. I agreed and a few days later, received the book in the mail.

Redemption is a story only God can write. That is what makes redemption so beautiful…it is God’s thing. He is the master of redemption. He is the author of grace. As I started reading Sons of Grace, I was captured by the story of redemption. Not just one story, but 10 stories.

Sons of Grace is a book of stories. It is a collection of personal encounters with Jesus that redeem and restore in unmistakable ways. Hughes allows nine men to share their story of grace and second chances. The stories are not only compelling, but they remind me of my own need for grace.

A gang member that is serving a 50 year sentence in prison for murder, turned himself in after he felt God speak to Him and now serves as a pastor in prison. There is the story of a guy finding Christ after being in the Mafia. A former drug addict. A father that is angry with God because of the loss of his son.

The best way I can describe this book is: real, raw and redemptive.

What I loved as well is that Hughes shares his story in the final chapter. He didn’t murder anyone. He hasn’t served time in prison. He was a successful business executive and author, but a lousy husband. In fact, he almost lost his marriage because he was so in love with himself. His story of grace and life change hit home with me.

After reading the book, I got really excited about partnering with Mark and his team to help get the word out about this collection of grace stories. Next week, I’ll be interviewing Mark and sharing that with you.

Today, I’m excited that Mark and his team are allowing us to  give away the PDF version of Sons of Grace. 

No strings attached. Completely free!

Download Sons of Grace Here

Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair.

Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices.

This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. There is no doubt that trust had to be re-earned…but at some point for our relationship to move forward, trust had to overtake fear.

Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Fear robs. Fear steals. Fear destroys. Fear causes us to control; to manipulate; to be suspecious.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse fails me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

Maybe you’re trying to accomplish through fear what can only be accomplished through trust.

Maybe the distance between the marriage you have and the marriage you truly desire is found in the difference in you being fearful or you trusting.

I’ve (Trisha) been trying to write this post for the past week. When I try to write, my thoughts are so deep and heavy I’m afraid to put words to them. I’m searching for words to make my thoughts feel lighter and safe but I can’t. Instead I’m going for honest and raw and praying somehow Jesus will land them softly into your heart. I pray you will read the entire post knowing my words will get lighter.

I had no desire to go back into ministry after leaving our church plant in 2005. Like never. Ever! My husband Justin was making great money as an executive recruiter. I was a happy stay-at-home mom getting to finish my college degree. It had been four years of rest and restoration for our marriage and our family. I didn’t need to go back into ministry to feel my restoration was complete. I was content, happy and safe.

I’m writing today for ChurchPlanters.com. Read the rest of the this post by clicking HERE:  

What if your biggest mistake was known by everyone? What if the worst mistake you’ve ever made was on every news channel; on every web site; on the front page of every news paper; was the lead story on every network?

What if your darkest moment was on display for everyone to see; to criticize; to pronounce judgment?

As a human being, as a father and as a sex abuse victim myself, there is no way that I condone the choice Joe Paterno made to not do more to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. That was a huge mistake. There is no excuse for that choice. None.

But why is it easy for us to magnify a person’s failure and minimize their accomplishments? Why are we quick to point to all that is wrong with a person and overlook all the good they tried to do in their lifetime?

Why is it easy to forget about the sin that rages in our hearts and salivate at the opportunity to point out someone else’s sin?

Sexual abuse takes place in our world every day. Sexual abuse takes place in our city every single day. Statistically speaking, sexual abuse takes place in most of our neighborhoods every single day. I have done nothing about it this week; this month; this year. I am not aware of a specific instance, but I am aware of it. How responsible am I?

It makes me sad that we feel better remembering a person for the mistakes that they made rather than the good they have done.

Maybe the truth is we try to make our own legacy look better by pointing out the imperfections of others. If the truth were told about each of us, we all have a tainted legacy.

When we truly focus on the grace given to us by Christ, we are able to see our own need for a second chance and live with eternal gratitude for it. 

I wish there was a magic pill that made healing easier than it is. I wish there was a magic pill that would give people the marriage they desire. I wish there was a magic pill that restored broken relationships between parents and their kids. I wish there was a magic pill that made the pain of abuse go away. I wish there was a magic pill that made everything better.

So often in my life, I convince myself that there is a magic pill to take. Even though it has taken me years to get into debt, I think I should be able to get out in a matter of weeks. Even though my marriage has been on a slow decline for years, I can’t understand why the magic pill of “I’m sorry” or one counseling session doesn’t fix it. Even though I have had a sexual addiction for more than a decade, I convince myself that putting software on my computer will solve my problem.

There is no doubt God can heal. We have experienced it personally and in our marriage. But healing, the type of healing that you desire, is a process not a magic pill. It is often difficult and it almost always takes more courage than we have; more time than we want to give; and more of God in more of our heart.

While there isn’t a magic pill there is a path that is available, if you will choose it.

-Surrender: Giving up your desire to control. Giving up your will to try harder. Admitting you have no ability and no power and surrendering your heart and life to Christ.

-Honesty: Most of us don’t experience healing in an area of our life because continue to tell lies to ourself. We fail to admit our weaknesses. We do our best to talk our way out of our mistakes. We justify our poor choices. We make excuses for our failures. Healing comes when we are willing to be honest with one person: ourselves. We remain incapable of telling others the truth when we continue to lie to ourself.

-Transparency: Intimacy in a relationship is only limited by the amount of transparency in that relationship. When transparency is compromised, so is intimacy. The healing of our heart is tied to our willingness to be transparent.

-Trust: Our ability to trust and be trusted is the foundation for moving forward in our relationship with God; with our spouse; with others; even with ourself. The greatest feeling in the world is actually being the person others perceive you to be. A life with no pretending is the birthplace of trust.

-Pursuit: You will not drift into healing, you will have to pursue it. You will have to fight for it. Healing doesn’t come easy; it means forgiving; it means late nights; it means hard conversations; it means coming to terms with your past. You will have to chase down healing. Pursue it.

There is no magic pill…but there is a path.

The great news today is God promises to be with you every step of the way. He is fighting for you more than you are fighting for you.

Last night I was doing some reading and writing our weekly MentorUs resource and I came across this verse. It isn’t new, but it hit my heart in a brand new way:

Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That word submit gets a bad rap sometimes. We say it in our wedding and then resent it in our marriage. But the word submit simply means “to put someone else ahead of yourself.”

Your preference is more important than my preference.

Your desires more important than my desires.

Your wishes more important than my wishes.

You being right more important than me being right.

You are more important than me…that is submission.

God’s desire is that both people in a marriage make the other person more important than themselves.

Over the last week we’ve had several people email us or talk to us personally about pornography. How did I stop watching it? Do I have a desire to watch it? Am I still addicted to it? How did we overcome it?

What I’ve realized is what kept me in bondage to a sexual addiction wasn’t porn, it was pride. It was a lack of submission. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit my problem. My pride wouldn’t allow me to seek help. My pride was more important than submitting to Christ or to my wife. My pride was bigger than my porn problem. My pride kept my porn problem big.

Pride is a cancer that will eat us alive.

What we have realized is that pride is the cause of so many issues. We meet with couples who are struggling in their marriage; Trisha talks to a friend that has been hurt by a friend…what it usually goes back to is pride.

Pride…

-It’s why you’re not satisfied with the house you live in

-It’s why you feel entitled to that job or that promotion

-It’s why you won’t say you’re sorry

-It’s why you talk to your wife like she’s a dog

-It’s why you pretend to be closer to God than you really are

-It’s why you spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like

-It’s why you won’t forgive

-It’s why you don’t respect your husband

-It’s why you refuse to admit you’re wrong

Pride is probably our greatest hurdle to become the man or the woman that God created us to be. It is pride that is preventing you from asking for help. Pride longs to rob you, to cheat you, to convince you that life is best lived looking out for you.

It is a cancer that will one day take over your heart. The great news today is that pride’s defeat begins by recognizing its presence.

What area of your life is pride holding you hostage?