One of the most common questions we get when we are speaking with or coaching couples is: “What was the most important thing you did to restore your marriage?”

Most of the time, people don’t agree with Trisha’s answer. Almost all the time they don’t like her answer. She will tell you the most pivotal and most difficult decision she made that lead to our restoration was packing up my things and kicking me out.

There are marriage principles that are true for all marriages; and then there are marriage principles that are different for every couple based on their circumstances, history and situation. While we believe in separation for the purpose of reconciliation, we know it isn’t the right choice for everyone. But here is the principle that applies to every marriage: Trisha couldn’t talk me into choosing her.

This is the most counter-intuitive principle, but it can literally save your marriage if you will absorb it.

• You can’t talk him into telling the truth
• You can’t talk her into not chatting with that guy on Facebook
• You can’t talk him into not watching porn
• You can’t win him back by begging him to come back
• You can’t win her over by walking on egg shells and trying to be perfect
• You can’t talk him into not texting her again
• You can’t talk her into loving you
• You can’t talk him into being committed to you or your marriage

When our marriage is drifting; when our marriage is disconnected; when our marriage is falling apart; when our spouse has had an affair; our natural instinct is to think: If I beg him, he’ll stay. If I’m a perfect husband, she’ll fall back in love with me. If I can convince him how much I love him, then he’ll choose me over pornography.

The problem is we can talk our spouse into a behavioral change, but we can’t talk them into heart transformation. Who wants to be in a marriage that they have been talked into? Who wants to be in a relationship that they’ve manipulated their spouse into staying or loving or being committed to?

Talking them into it:

• Enables them
• Delays the brokenness they need to change their heart
• Allows them to focus on you and not on their choices, dysfunction or sin
• Gives you a false sense of hope that things will be different
• Places you in a parental, supervisor or investigator role that you were never meant to have
• Leads you to the same place in 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years from now

If you are at a place in your marriage where you are trying to change your spouse’s behavior by talking them into it…my advice is stop. Take a step back and reconnect with God. Begin to pursue the person you know God is calling you to be, and allow God to be God for your spouse. You can’t talk them into repentance. You can’t talk them into commitment. You can’t talk them into integrity.

Only God can do that.

Allow Him to do what only He can.

It will be the most difficult thing you will do. But, it could be the most important thing you will do.

Over the past few days, we’ve been in several conversations with people rocked by affairs. We’ve talked to devastated spouses trying to find hope and healing because of what their spouse chose. We’ve talked to repentant and remorseful spouses that broke trust and destroyed their marriage. Some conversations have been in person, some over the phone, some over email. Each couple; each relationship; each mistake; each affair were all different. But one thing kept being repeated.

-We reconnected on Facebook then started texting

-She started texting him for work and it grew from there

-He DM’d me on Twitter and we started flirting with each other; it seemed innocent at first

-Our texts started out as business, then turned personal, then got inappropriate 

No one thinks they will have an affair. We don’t get married with a date circled on the calendar when we will cheat on our spouse.

Our hearts have been so heavy the past few days thinking about all of the hurt and all of the damage that started with texting. People are always more bold and more courageous over text, twitter and Facebook than they ever would be in person.

We wanted to share some warning signs when it comes to texting.

It could be a red flag…

-When sending or receiving a text from a certain person causes an emotional reaction in your mind (only you will know this)

-When you or the person you are texting start exchanging emotions or personal feelings

-When you the person you are texting compliments you on a personal or physical level

-Any time you send or receive a text that you wouldn’t be able to read out loud to your spouse

-Anytime you send or receive a text that is flirtatious or sexual in nature

-Anytime you are texting someone more than you are texting your spouse

-When you share frustrations or unmet expectations with someone of the opposite sex about your own marriage

-When you send a text that compares that person with your spouse

-When you receive a text that compares you with their spouse

Words carry power. Please choose the words you text to anyone of the opposite sex wisely.

You probably don’t intend to cheat on your spouse. No one does. Inappropriate relationships can start with a text message and left unevaluated lead to a place that brings all kinds of hurt and brokenness.

If you are in a place where inappropiate texting is taking place and you feel like you don’t have a way out, please email us. Even if you’ve already crossed a line, you don’t have to cross the next one. We are here to help.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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On Friday, Trisha and I were on our way to Indiana to show the house we still own to some potential renters. About half way through the trip, I got a call from a good friend. The conversation was sadly all too familiar.

“A few days ago, a really good friend of mine confessed to an affair”, my friend said. “How well do you know this guy, how close are you guys”, I asked. “He is a really good friend and I have been his accountability partner. What I’ve realized is that he has told me just enough to look accountable.”

That phrase rang in my head for the next two hours. For years, that was my life. I was transparent just enough to make people believe I was authentic. I was as honest as it was comfortable. I knew how to admit weaknesses and struggles that were socially acceptable and would score me religious points.

I’ve said this before, but it is still true: Accountability without transparency is useless.

Why do we hide so easily?
Fear of rejection.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of the consequences of honesty.
Fear of losing a relationship.

No decision made in fear is ever healthy.

I think it was Andy Stanley that said, “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

I spent three years in an “accountability “ relationship in which I wasn’t transparent. It is an exhausting way to live. Lying to the people that are closest to you is never life giving.

In order to not go back to sharing “just enough to look accountable” I am consistently asking myself these questions as I attempt to be transparent…maybe they will help you today:

1. Am I telling the entire truth right now?

Shading the truth is easy. Exaggerating is often unnoticeable. As I am telling any story, but especially a story about myself, I want to always ask, “Am I telling the entire truth right now? Am I leave anything out or adding anything to this story? Am I lying when the truth will do?”

2. Am I sharing details that will make me look more spiritual than I really am?

You know how this rolls…we share parts of our heart with someone and 100% of our motivation is to show them how “close to God” we are. We want them to think of us as spiritual; we want to appear put together; we want to settle any doubt they may have of our relationship with God.

3. Am I trying to protect someone with only part of the truth?

I convince myself that if I tell the truth, it is only going to hurt a particular relationship. Truth does hurt a relationship…but it hurts like the setting of a broken bone hurts. There is tremendous pain in the moment, but then the relationship is set back in place to be stronger than it was before.

4. Am I telling myself the truth?

Sometime the person I need to be the most honest with is myself. I can deceive myself easier than anyone else. If I can’t be honest with myself, then I’m incapable of being honest with others.

These are four questions I use to be transparent, what would you add or take away?

Last night my phone received several text messages. Two friends were texting me about the same issue just different circumstances. The first, I have walked with for more than a year. He has shared with me parts of his heart that he hasn’t shared with anyone else, other than his wife. He desire is freedom. His heart longs for healing…from his past…from his sin…from his addiction. He has been honest, just not completely honest. Until last night.

The second friend was going to talk with a guy that just confessed to an affair. He texted me to ask for my prayers and to let me know that this person may be reaching out to me. His last text to me was “I’m not sure he is being completely honest.”

The thing about complete honesty is that no one can gauge it but the person that is sharing. You and I could meet every day for accountability and support, but if you leave out part of the truth, only you know that. Complete honesty is something only one person controls…and that person often times values safety over transparency. When we value safety over transparency, truth is almost always the sacrificial lamb.

As my friend texted me last night, he said, “I want you to know I’ve been honest. But I’ve only shared about 80% of the truth.” I text him back and said, “I don’t know a lot, but I know that you will never experience 100% healing by sharing 80% of the truth.”

Maybe today you realize that you have been skimming the top of honesty for a long time. You share only part of your heart; a fraction of the truth; some of the details. You expect God to heal you from addiction or show up for you in your marriage or provide you with freedom from your past. You want 100% of God, but only offer him 80% of you. You want 100% from your marriage but only offer 80% of you. You want 100% from your accountability partner, but only offer 80% of you.

So many people stay tied to the last 20% of their struggles because they only offer 80% of the truth. I don’t know a lot, but I know we can never experience 100% freedom; 100% healing; 100% of the life Jesus promises by offering 80% of the truth. 80% of truth will always leave us 20% short of true healing.

It takes courage. It takes risk. It provides 100% of what you are longing for.

On Friday, Trisha and I were on our way to Indiana to show the house we still own to some potential renters. About half way through the trip, I got a call from a good friend. The conversation was sadly all too familiar.

“A few days ago, a really good friend of mine confessed to an affair”, my friend said. “How well do you know this guy, how close are you guys”, I asked. “He is a really good friend and I have been his accountability partner. What I’ve realized is that he has told me just enough to look accountable.”

That phrase rang in my head for the next two hours. For years, that was my life. I was transparent just enough to make people believe I was authentic. I was as honest as it was comfortable. I knew how to admit weaknesses and struggles that were socially acceptable and would score me religious points.

I’ve said this before, but it is still true: Accountability without transparency is useless.

Why do we hide so easily?
Fear of rejection.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of the consequences of honesty.
Fear of losing a relationship.

No decision made in fear is ever healthy.

I think it was Andy Stanley that said, “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

I spent three years in an “accountability “ relationship in which I wasn’t transparent. It is an exhausting way to live. Lying to the people that are closest to you is never life giving.

In order to not go back to sharing “just enough to look accountable” I am consistently asking myself these questions as I attempt to be transparent…maybe they will help you today:

1. Am I telling the entire truth right now?

Shading the truth is easy. Exaggerating is often unnoticeable. As I am telling any story, but especially a story about myself, I want to always ask, “Am I telling the entire truth right now? Am I leave anything out or adding anything to this story? Am I lying when the truth will do?”

2. Am I sharing details that will make me look more spiritual than I really am?

You know how this rolls…we share parts of our heart with someone and 100% of our motivation is to show them how “close to God” we are. We want them to think of us as spiritual; we want to appear put together; we want to settle any doubt they may have of our relationship with God.

3. Am I trying to protect someone with only part of the truth?

I convince myself that if I tell the truth, it is only going to hurt a particular relationship. Truth does hurt a relationship…but it hurts like the setting of a broken bone hurts. There is tremendous pain in the moment, but then the relationship is set back in place to be stronger than it was before.

4. Am I telling myself the truth?

Sometime the person I need to be the most honest with is myself. I can deceive myself easier than anyone else. If I can’t be honest with myself, then I’m incapable of being honest with others.

These are four questions I use to be transparent, what would you add or take away?

Yesterday, I shared with you two reasons why we forfeit the work God longs to do in our heart when we fail. God’s desire is redemption. But so often we think we can redeem ourselves.

1. We hide our failures.

2. We aren’t sorry (to the point of change) for our failures.

God longs to redeem. He longs to make new. He is the God of second chances. While God longs to bring redemption about in our lives, we have a part to play in the redemption story of our life.

The first two mistakes we talked about had a lot to do with how we view failure and our perception of it. The final two things we are discussing have more to do with our view of ourselves after our failure has been exposed. Here are two things I’ve seen in my own life that prevent God from using our failures for His redemptive purposes:

3. Being paralyzed by the fear of failing again.

When we got out of ministry in 2005, I swore I would never go back. The pain of my failure was far reaching. I had destroyed my family. I had devastated another family. I had crushed an entire church. I had no desire to go back into ministry because I was so fearful that I would fail again. I can remember moving to Nashville with a sick feeling in my stomach as we reentered ministry. What if I can’t do this? What if I make more mistakes? Those two words, “What if” almost derailed God’s redemptive work in me. I was more concerned about “what if” than I was about “what God”. “What if “captured more of my attention than what God wanted to do in and through me. There is a time for confession. There is a time for remorse and repentance. But there is a part of our heart that is not redeemed when we give into the fear of failing. We rob God of the recreation He is doing in our heart.

4. Being unwilling to forgive yourself.

When we come to terms with our failure, there is no doubt that we understand how our failure hurt others. The lies that we told; the gossip we shared; the lust we tucked away; the person we used; the money we took…each of those choices cost someone other than us. Often what prevents us from experiencing the redemption that God longs to bring us isn’t the forgiveness we desire from God…or from the person/persons we hurt or offended. The forgiveness that we need most often to experience redemption is from ourselves. We fail to go through the process of forgiveness in our own heart. The result is that we walk around ashamed and defeated. Shame is the enemy of redemption. Shame robs you. Guilt tries to follow you. If you are going to experience the redemption that God has in mind for you, you have to forgive yourself.

You may be the biggest barrier to the new work God longs to you in you today.

Which of these two things cause you the most difficulty in your life?

Accountability is Useless:

When Trisha and I first got married and entered ministry in 1995, I prided myself on being a person that was accountable. I was accountable in my choices: I wouldn’t counsel with a woman behind a closed office door; I wouldn’t give a teenage girl a ride home from church without another person in the car. I wouldn’t do lunch with a female without my wife or another male at the lunch. At all costs I wanted to be accountable.

When we started the church in 2002, I knew that accountability would be of utmost importance. I sought out a guy in our core group and asked him if we could meet each Wednesday morning to “hold each other accountable.” As a church planter, I had a church planting coach. He and I would meet every Thursday morning and he would ask me questions about my relationship with God. He would ask me questions about my marriage, my struggles, my weaknesses. He wanted to hold me accountable. I had a group of Elders that I met with once a month that were the spiritual leaders of our church, and I was accountable to them.

So with all of these boundaries and all of these safe guards and all of these great leaders and friends holding me accountable how could I ever be unfaithful to God and my wife? That’s not possible right? But I was unfaithful, despite all of my accountability.

What I have discovered is accountability is useless.

Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency you and I offer in the context of that accountability.

We have a unique ability as humans to BS each other. It is easy for me to fake you out. It is easy for you to lie to my face. It is easy to pretend like your marriage is better than it really is. It is easy to offer just enough accountability to make yourself look spiritual. At the same time that partial accountability can be so dangerous because you are not only fooling me, you are fooling yourself.

The truth is you and I can meet every Wednesday and I can lie to you. The truth is that you can have several circles of accountability and unless you are 100% transparent in at least one of those circles, implosion is on the horizon.

I am not saying you should be 100% transparent with everyone, but I am saying you should be 100% transparent with someone. I have two people in my life that if I am asked a question I give 100% of the truth; I withhold nothing. I know if I am struggling or need to confess something, or am in a dark place, I can share that with these two people.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, my marriage and my ministry is I substituted accountability for transparency. Accountability without transparency is useless. It is easier in the short term to offer accountability and it seems more spiritual…but you experience more of the grace and mercy and love of Christ when you offer transparency.

In fact, when you are willing to offer transparency, you will find you don’t need to be “held accountable.”

Have you ever substituted accountability for transparency?

When Trisha and I first got married and entered ministry in 1995, I prided myself on being a person that was accountable. I was accountable in my choices: I wouldn’t counsel with a woman behind a closed office door; I wouldn’t give a teenage girl a ride home from church without another person in the car. I wouldn’t do lunch with a female without my wife or another male at the lunch. At all costs I wanted to be accountable.

When we started the church in 2002, I knew that accountability would be of utmost importance. I sought out a guy in our core group and asked him if we could meet each Wednesday morning to “hold each other accountable.” As a church planter, I had a church planting coach. He and I would meet every Thursday morning and he would ask me questions about my relationship with God. He would ask me questions about my marriage, my struggles, my weaknesses. He wanted to hold me accountable. I had a group of Elders that I met with once a month that were the spiritual leaders of our church, and I was accountable to them.

So with all of these boundaries and all of these safe guards and all of these great leaders and friends holding me accountable how could I ever be unfaithful to God and my wife? That’s not possible right? But I was unfaithful, despite all of my accountability.

What I have discovered is accountability is useless.

Accountability is only as valuable as the transparency you and I offer in the context of that accountability.

We have a unique ability as humans to BS each other. It is easy for me to fake you out. It is easy for you to lie to my face. It is easy to pretend like your marriage is better than it really is. It is easy to offer just enough accountability to make yourself look spiritual. At the same time that partial accountability can be so dangerous because you are not only fooling me, you are fooling yourself.

The truth is you and I can meet every Wednesday and I can lie to you. The truth is that you can have several circles of accountability and unless you are 100% transparent in at least one of those circles, implosion is on the horizon.

I am not saying you should be 100% transparent with everyone, but I am saying you should be 100% transparent with someone. I have two people in my life that if I am asked a question I give 100% of the truth; I withhold nothing. I know if I am struggling or need to confess something, or am in a dark place, I can share that with these two people.

One of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, my marriage and my ministry is I substituted accountability for transparency. Accountability without transparency is useless. It is easier in the short term to offer accountability and it seems more spiritual…but you experience more of the grace and mercy and love of Christ when you offer transparency.

In fact, when you are willing to offer transparency, you will find you don’t need to be “held accountable.”

Have you ever substituted accountability for transparency?

Sin has a way of messing with your mind. It wears you down. I think that sin’s greatest strength is not that it causes you to take giant leaps away from God…its that it lures you into tiny, unnoticeable, justifiable steps. It doesn’t always come against you with blatant lies; it just distorts and twists the truth. It hides, it compromises, it shades, and it bends.

What we begin to believe is that choosing our own way will work out. It will be okay. We can get over it. People will heal. It’s not that big of a deal. What we begin to convince ourselves of is 2 months from now…life will be better.

Maybe you’re contemplating sin right now. It talks to you. It taunts you.

It’s not an affair…it’s just text messages. A little Internet porn never hurt anyone. You deserve to have someone listen to you, and if your husband won’t you’re your old boyfriend on Facebook is the next best thing.  Your wife doesn’t admire or respect you anymore, but your secretary does. Leaving your wife won’t damage your kids that much. Telling one lie doesn’t make you a liar. It’s not cheating; you’re just being flirtatious.

I.Have.Been.There.

When I told my wife that I didn’t want to be married anymore; that I would be happier without her; that she would be happier without me; I was leaving her; it was because I had convinced myself that my way will be better. 2 months from now, it will all blow over and life will be back to normal.

Can I share with you from personal experience…if you are contemplating or involved sin…here is what I learned the hard way:

• 2 months from now the grass will not be greener
• 2 months from now the lie will not be truth
• 2 months from now your kids will not be over it
• 2 months from now your pornography addiction will not be more manageable
• 2 months from now text messages will be more sensual not less
• 2 months from now seeing your kids every other weekend will still suck
• 2 months from now you won’t be happier without your wife
• 2 months from now what you’re hiding will not be easier to bury
• 2 months from now your ability to carry your regret will dwindle
• 2 months from now you’ll be further away from God than you ever thought possible

We are a product of our decisions. What you decide today…the compromise you choose today…the justification you settle for today…will greatly affect who you are and who you become 2 months from now.

Has sin ever blinded you to the consequences of  your choices?

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