We’ve had several people send us this video.

This is Jeff Bethke. His spoken word videos have blown up on YouTube. He makes some statements in this video that are so powerful and so thought provoking:

• Marriage will make you better or bitter
• What we’re doing isn’t working, just look at the rate of our divorces
• Marriage is prison more than the paradise we were promised
• Dating feels like a vacation, while marriage feels like a job
• We might share a checkbook and a house, but are we actually friends
• It’s not love that sustains the promise, but the promise that sustains the love
• We don’t fall out of love as much as we fall out of repentance

A place where marriages are not just happy but holy….that is our dream for RefineUs.

What are your thoughts on the video?

I’ve (Trisha) been trying to write this post for the past week. When I try to write, my thoughts are so deep and heavy I’m afraid to put words to them. I’m searching for words to make my thoughts feel lighter and safe but I can’t. Instead I’m going for honest and raw and praying somehow Jesus will land them softly into your heart. I pray you will read the entire post knowing my words will get lighter.

I had no desire to go back into ministry after leaving our church plant in 2005. Like never. Ever! My husband Justin was making great money as an executive recruiter. I was a happy stay-at-home mom getting to finish my college degree. It had been four years of rest and restoration for our marriage and our family. I didn’t need to go back into ministry to feel my restoration was complete. I was content, happy and safe.

I’m writing today for ChurchPlanters.com. Read the rest of the this post by clicking HERE:  

What if your biggest mistake was known by everyone? What if the worst mistake you’ve ever made was on every news channel; on every web site; on the front page of every news paper; was the lead story on every network?

What if your darkest moment was on display for everyone to see; to criticize; to pronounce judgment?

As a human being, as a father and as a sex abuse victim myself, there is no way that I condone the choice Joe Paterno made to not do more to protect children from Jerry Sandusky. That was a huge mistake. There is no excuse for that choice. None.

But why is it easy for us to magnify a person’s failure and minimize their accomplishments? Why are we quick to point to all that is wrong with a person and overlook all the good they tried to do in their lifetime?

Why is it easy to forget about the sin that rages in our hearts and salivate at the opportunity to point out someone else’s sin?

Sexual abuse takes place in our world every day. Sexual abuse takes place in our city every single day. Statistically speaking, sexual abuse takes place in most of our neighborhoods every single day. I have done nothing about it this week; this month; this year. I am not aware of a specific instance, but I am aware of it. How responsible am I?

It makes me sad that we feel better remembering a person for the mistakes that they made rather than the good they have done.

Maybe the truth is we try to make our own legacy look better by pointing out the imperfections of others. If the truth were told about each of us, we all have a tainted legacy.

When we truly focus on the grace given to us by Christ, we are able to see our own need for a second chance and live with eternal gratitude for it. 

I wish there was a magic pill that made healing easier than it is. I wish there was a magic pill that would give people the marriage they desire. I wish there was a magic pill that restored broken relationships between parents and their kids. I wish there was a magic pill that made the pain of abuse go away. I wish there was a magic pill that made everything better.

So often in my life, I convince myself that there is a magic pill to take. Even though it has taken me years to get into debt, I think I should be able to get out in a matter of weeks. Even though my marriage has been on a slow decline for years, I can’t understand why the magic pill of “I’m sorry” or one counseling session doesn’t fix it. Even though I have had a sexual addiction for more than a decade, I convince myself that putting software on my computer will solve my problem.

There is no doubt God can heal. We have experienced it personally and in our marriage. But healing, the type of healing that you desire, is a process not a magic pill. It is often difficult and it almost always takes more courage than we have; more time than we want to give; and more of God in more of our heart.

While there isn’t a magic pill there is a path that is available, if you will choose it.

-Surrender: Giving up your desire to control. Giving up your will to try harder. Admitting you have no ability and no power and surrendering your heart and life to Christ.

-Honesty: Most of us don’t experience healing in an area of our life because continue to tell lies to ourself. We fail to admit our weaknesses. We do our best to talk our way out of our mistakes. We justify our poor choices. We make excuses for our failures. Healing comes when we are willing to be honest with one person: ourselves. We remain incapable of telling others the truth when we continue to lie to ourself.

-Transparency: Intimacy in a relationship is only limited by the amount of transparency in that relationship. When transparency is compromised, so is intimacy. The healing of our heart is tied to our willingness to be transparent.

-Trust: Our ability to trust and be trusted is the foundation for moving forward in our relationship with God; with our spouse; with others; even with ourself. The greatest feeling in the world is actually being the person others perceive you to be. A life with no pretending is the birthplace of trust.

-Pursuit: You will not drift into healing, you will have to pursue it. You will have to fight for it. Healing doesn’t come easy; it means forgiving; it means late nights; it means hard conversations; it means coming to terms with your past. You will have to chase down healing. Pursue it.

There is no magic pill…but there is a path.

The great news today is God promises to be with you every step of the way. He is fighting for you more than you are fighting for you.

Last night I was doing some reading and writing our weekly MentorUs resource and I came across this verse. It isn’t new, but it hit my heart in a brand new way:

Ephesians 5:21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That word submit gets a bad rap sometimes. We say it in our wedding and then resent it in our marriage. But the word submit simply means “to put someone else ahead of yourself.”

Your preference is more important than my preference.

Your desires more important than my desires.

Your wishes more important than my wishes.

You being right more important than me being right.

You are more important than me…that is submission.

God’s desire is that both people in a marriage make the other person more important than themselves.

Over the last week we’ve had several people email us or talk to us personally about pornography. How did I stop watching it? Do I have a desire to watch it? Am I still addicted to it? How did we overcome it?

What I’ve realized is what kept me in bondage to a sexual addiction wasn’t porn, it was pride. It was a lack of submission. My pride wouldn’t allow me to admit my problem. My pride wouldn’t allow me to seek help. My pride was more important than submitting to Christ or to my wife. My pride was bigger than my porn problem. My pride kept my porn problem big.

Pride is a cancer that will eat us alive.

What we have realized is that pride is the cause of so many issues. We meet with couples who are struggling in their marriage; Trisha talks to a friend that has been hurt by a friend…what it usually goes back to is pride.

Pride…

-It’s why you’re not satisfied with the house you live in

-It’s why you feel entitled to that job or that promotion

-It’s why you won’t say you’re sorry

-It’s why you talk to your wife like she’s a dog

-It’s why you pretend to be closer to God than you really are

-It’s why you spend money you don’t have to impress people you don’t even like

-It’s why you won’t forgive

-It’s why you don’t respect your husband

-It’s why you refuse to admit you’re wrong

Pride is probably our greatest hurdle to become the man or the woman that God created us to be. It is pride that is preventing you from asking for help. Pride longs to rob you, to cheat you, to convince you that life is best lived looking out for you.

It is a cancer that will one day take over your heart. The great news today is that pride’s defeat begins by recognizing its presence.

What area of your life is pride holding you hostage? 

Over the past few days, we’ve been in several conversations with people rocked by affairs. We’ve talked to devastated spouses trying to find hope and healing because of what their spouse chose. We’ve talked to repentant and remorseful spouses that broke trust and destroyed their marriage. Some conversations have been in person, some over the phone, some over email. Each couple; each relationship; each mistake; each affair were all different. But one thing kept being repeated.

-We reconnected on Facebook then started texting

-She started texting him for work and it grew from there

-He DM’d me on Twitter and we started flirting with each other; it seemed innocent at first

-Our texts started out as business, then turned personal, then got inappropriate 

No one thinks they will have an affair. We don’t get married with a date circled on the calendar when we will cheat on our spouse.

Our hearts have been so heavy the past few days thinking about all of the hurt and all of the damage that started with texting. People are always more bold and more courageous over text, twitter and Facebook than they ever would be in person.

We wanted to share some warning signs when it comes to texting.

It could be a red flag…

-When sending or receiving a text from a certain person causes an emotional reaction in your mind (only you will know this)

-When you or the person you are texting start exchanging emotions or personal feelings

-When you the person you are texting compliments you on a personal or physical level

-Any time you send or receive a text that you wouldn’t be able to read out loud to your spouse

-Anytime you send or receive a text that is flirtatious or sexual in nature

-Anytime you are texting someone more than you are texting your spouse

-When you share frustrations or unmet expectations with someone of the opposite sex about your own marriage

-When you send a text that compares that person with your spouse

-When you receive a text that compares you with their spouse

Words carry power. Please choose the words you text to anyone of the opposite sex wisely.

You probably don’t intend to cheat on your spouse. No one does. Inappropriate relationships can start with a text message and left unevaluated lead to a place that brings all kinds of hurt and brokenness.

If you are in a place where inappropiate texting is taking place and you feel like you don’t have a way out, please email us. Even if you’ve already crossed a line, you don’t have to cross the next one. We are here to help.

It is so much easier writing about what used to be than writing about what is.

January 3, 2012…I am four pounds away from my heaviest weight, ever. Just typing that brings up feelings of shame and embarrassment. I’ve written in the past about avoidance being my drug of choice…the past few months I’ve been avoiding the scale. I wanted to lose weight, I really did.

One of my goals for 2011 was to lose 50lbs. In June of last year, I had procrastinated enough, it was time to act. One of the owners of Boost Fitness goes to Cross Point and wanted to help me achieve that goal. He came up to me after one of our services and offered to personally train me. I’ve never had a personal trainer. I went in and they did an assessment of my current physical condition and it was worse than I thought. I wanted to change. I wanted to be different. Jon was committed to helping me. I started going 3 times a week and he was kicking my butt. If you’ve ever seen The Biggest Loser and seen the contestants crying and snotting and sweating…that was me. He killed me. On the off days of Jon’s training I would run 3 miles.

I started dropping weight like crazy. I lost like 28 lbs. in the first 8 weeks. Then I started traveling and life got busy and things came up and I stopped going to the gym. I pulled a hamstring playing basketball so I couldn’t run for a few days. Then a few days became a week and a week became two. I started justifying compromising my diet and would think, “This bowl of cereal won’t cost me that much.” “I’ve lost 28 lbs…I won’t gain it back with this candy bar.”

It was a weird thing…when I stopped working out and stopped meeting Jon at the gym, I started gaining weight. That was so wild! I couldn’t understand…my desire to lose weight was just as strong. I still wanted to lose weight, but my commitment faded. I wanted the benefits of working out, without working out. Life doesn’t work that way does it. That reality came crashing home on Monday of this week when I went back to visit Jon and many of my measurements were worse than they were back in June. Everyone has desire, but what I need more than desire is commitment.

We all desire change, right? It’s why you read blogs; it’s why you go to church; it’s why you pray; it’s why you read books; we all desire change. But so often in our life our commitment to change is much less than our desire to change.

What if your commitment to change started matching your desire to change? If your commitment to change matched your desire to change what would be different about you?

If your commitment to be generous matched your desire to be generous, you would give more. You would write a check. You would give your time.

If your commitment to overcome an addiction matched your desire to overcome an addiction you would admit you are addicted; you would tell someone about your addiction; you would seek help in overcoming that addiction.

If your commitment to be honest matched your desire to be honest you would not just be accountable in your life; you would choose to be transparent. You would have hard conversations. You would tell the truth even when it would be easier to lie.

If your commitment to your marriage matched your desire to have a better marriage, you would invest in your marriage more; you would pursue your wife; you would make time for your husband; you would value your marriage over money or career advancement. You would be intentional and not just have good intentions.

When our commitment to change is less than our desire to change…we won’t change.

I don’t want to lose one more day desiring something that I am not committed to. I don’t want that for you either. Today is the day of commitment. So is tomorrow and the next day and the next.

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.

Over the last few days we posted our top five viewed posts of 2011. As I was doing the research to determine the top five posts of last year, I was shocked when I saw the single most viewed post of 2011. This post wasn’t even a post that was written in 2011 so I didn’t include it in the top 5.  In fact, this post is almost 2 years old, written in January 2010. But literally thousands of people found this post in 2011 through a Google search.

Seeing this post be the top post wasn’t just shocking, it broke my heart. I know that there were thousands of people in 2011 that were desperate for help; desperate for hope; desperate for direction when they searched and found this post.  I wanted to re-post it today, because January is a tough month for marriage. Over the weekend I received multiple text messages from people looking to help friends that were caught in affairs or admitted affairs.

Trisha wrote this powerful post that we pray will a resource for you or someone you know in 2012. (If you or someone you know is the person that had the affair, here is a post I wrote to help:

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5 Things You Must Do When Your Spouse Has Had an Affair

The pressure of writing this post is a bit overwhelming and my heart is heavy. Not because I think I have all the answers but simply the reality of the broken person who will search for this resource. Remembering that surreal and painful moment of hearing “I’m having an affair.” And now knowing that I may be speaking into your “moment” causes me to stop and pray hard that I don’t mess this up.

As I, write I am reminded that this isn’t about what I’ve done. This post is all about what Christ did for me in my “moment” and how He continues to restore and bring HOPE in what was a very hopeless situation! This post is for YOU the hurting and broken spouse whose world is being turned upside down. I pray my words are encouraging and hope filled as you begin your journey of healing.

1. Grieve!
The Grieving process is a gift from God. As Christians we often feel guilty for being angry, sad or depressed. Knowing your spouse has had an affair is like being told they have died. All that you have thought to be true about your marriage and your spouse is now dead. It is OK to be angry! It is OK to feel depressed! It is OK to feel confused! It is OK to feel hopeless. Just because you feel these emotions it doesn’t change who God is and the love he has for you.

Grieving is the start to the restoration process and maybe not for your marriage but for you as a person and child of God. While it can be unhealthy to get stuck in one of the stages of grief it is essential to grieve and understand that with grieving comes healing!

2. Get Help! You Need Community.
When Justin said “I’m having an affair” it seemed that all my community disappeared. The affair was with my best friend and staff member of our church. The two people I should be able to turn to in a crisis were no longer there. It was SO LONELY. I was confused, tired, disoriented and in desperate need of help. The Lord brought an amazing group of women who despite hurting themselves loved me, embraced me and helped me SURVIVE the next few days and weeks.

I don’t know who this is for you. Pray that God would bring people to mind and trust those people to help you. I know it’s hard. Here I lost the two people closest to me and now had to trust others? Community may not be easy but IT’S A MUST. You need community for the sake of your family, your mental health and for a covering of prayer.

3. Create Boundaries / Create a Plan
I often say that just like with parenting there are general principles we can apply when parenting our children but if you’re a parent you know that each child is different. The same is true for your marriage. Although there are general steps you can take for your marriage, each marriage is different and your boundaries and plan will look different from mine.

Justin was NOT broken at the beginning of his confession! He was cold and made it very clear he was not in love with me and was not coming home. This was MY reality and I needed to create healthy boundaries. I kicked him out of our house. I created a new checking account and took the majority of our money. I had someone help me understand our finances because Justin did everything. I had a couple that helped me connect with Justin to take our boys since I wasn’t speaking to him. The list goes on and on. But with a plan and clear boundaries it gave my boys and I stability when my life was falling apart and time and space to begin to heal.

4. Counseling. Counseling. Counseling.
Let me first say that just because someone is a counselor that doesn’t mean they are good at what they do! Justin and I were so blessed by two amazing counselors Kathy (JD’s counselor) and Dan our marriage counselor. I don’t care if it takes you 5 tries to find a counselor your comfortable with YOU NEED TO GO.

Dan helped me navigate my emotions of the hurtful details Justin would share with me. He gave me tools to know how to grieve in a way that is healthy. He taught me that it was ok to “go after Justin” in sessions and demand the truth. He helped me to see my own junk and brokenness instead of hiding behind Justin’s. He allowed me to be angry but helped me not to become bitter. Each session we had to trust and choose to take ownership and action to step into that path of healing he was helping to provide.

5. Identity Thief / Finding Who You Are
It’s emotional to write this one. Who am I? What do I do from here? What will my family and friends say or do? What will my work do? Will I find a job to support my family? Am I really a single parent now? What if he marries her? How do I tell my kids? How do I walk my kids into school knowing half of our congregation will be there? God why? God what do I do? I worked so hard. I sacrificed so much just for this?

I no longer knew who I was. I hadn’t realized how I used so many other titles such as pastor’s wife, mom and friend to find my identity. The loss of so much brought me to my knees. Yet it allowed me to see that the only identity that matters is who I am in Christ. A loved daughter of the king and in time Jesus would teach me that this is enough.

Each year during the week between Christmas and New Years we post the Top 5 Posts of the previous year. Today through the end of the year, we will post the top five posts of 2011. We hope you enjoy this short recap of the year and can’t wait to see all that God does at RefineUs in 2012.

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On Friday, Trisha and I were on our way to Indiana to show the house we still own to some potential renters. About half way through the trip, I got a call from a good friend. The conversation was sadly all too familiar.

“A few days ago, a really good friend of mine confessed to an affair”, my friend said. “How well do you know this guy, how close are you guys”, I asked. “He is a really good friend and I have been his accountability partner. What I’ve realized is that he has told me just enough to look accountable.”

That phrase rang in my head for the next two hours. For years, that was my life. I was transparent just enough to make people believe I was authentic. I was as honest as it was comfortable. I knew how to admit weaknesses and struggles that were socially acceptable and would score me religious points.

I’ve said this before, but it is still true: Accountability without transparency is useless.

Why do we hide so easily?
Fear of rejection.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of the consequences of honesty.
Fear of losing a relationship.

No decision made in fear is ever healthy.

I think it was Andy Stanley that said, “We fear the consequences of confession because we have yet to realize the consequences of concealment.”

I spent three years in an “accountability “ relationship in which I wasn’t transparent. It is an exhausting way to live. Lying to the people that are closest to you is never life giving.

In order to not go back to sharing “just enough to look accountable” I am consistently asking myself these questions as I attempt to be transparent…maybe they will help you today:

1. Am I telling the entire truth right now?

Shading the truth is easy. Exaggerating is often unnoticeable. As I am telling any story, but especially a story about myself, I want to always ask, “Am I telling the entire truth right now? Am I leave anything out or adding anything to this story? Am I lying when the truth will do?”

2. Am I sharing details that will make me look more spiritual than I really am?

You know how this rolls…we share parts of our heart with someone and 100% of our motivation is to show them how “close to God” we are. We want them to think of us as spiritual; we want to appear put together; we want to settle any doubt they may have of our relationship with God.

3. Am I trying to protect someone with only part of the truth?

I convince myself that if I tell the truth, it is only going to hurt a particular relationship. Truth does hurt a relationship…but it hurts like the setting of a broken bone hurts. There is tremendous pain in the moment, but then the relationship is set back in place to be stronger than it was before.

4. Am I telling myself the truth?

Sometime the person I need to be the most honest with is myself. I can deceive myself easier than anyone else. If I can’t be honest with myself, then I’m incapable of being honest with others.

These are four questions I use to be transparent, what would you add or take away?