Over the past couple of years, Starbucks has become a place where I often meet with women to talk about the hard things in life.  I remember one morning sitting with a friend, both of us cupping our coffee as if it was a microphone and she began to share her story with me. Her tears fell fast and her emotions poured out through her words even faster. She went on to explain that she had read all the marriage books and blogs she could find. She was attending church more than ever. But even after doing everything she knew to do she still felt far from God and even further in her relationship with her husband.

I remember her asking me, “What’s next? What am I missing? How were you and Justin able to make your relationship work after years of living in a dysfunctional marriage?”

I knew my response was going to sound “churchy” but in my heart and mind I knew there was nothing churchy about what I wanted to say.  I was eager to tell her the lifesaving wisdom someone shared with me when I was drowning in hopelessness, exhaustion and despair.

I replied, “I would not be married today if I hadn’t sought wise counsel.” I could tell by the look on her face that she was a bit disappointed at such a vague response. But I went on to explain the power that very sentence had in not only restoring my marriage but also continues to shape me into the person I am today.

Seeking wise counsel played out in three distinct ways for me.

1. I was seeking wise counsel by reading the bible in a translation I could understand.

2. I was seeking wise counsel from other women and couples that had gone through similar situations and found hope and restoration.

3. I was seeking wise counsel from a professional counselor.

I know your thinking that IS a “churchy” response and I couldn’t agree more. What may sound like the typical response to the average person becomes healing balm to a desperate and wounded soul. There are times in life where you will choose all the right things you know to do and when that list comes up short you will be tempted to quit.

When I begged Justin to go to counseling early on in our marriage and he refused I just gave up. I leaned on my own understanding and not the wise counsel of others. I choose to stay hidden along with Justin and as he buried his sin I started to create sin of my own. I convinced myself that counseling would only be affective if Justin and I BOTH went to together so when he refused to go so did I.

Proverbs 19:20-21 (NLT)

²⁰ Get all the advice and instruction you can,
so you will be wise the rest of your life.

²¹ You can make many plans,
but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

I am often asked what should you do if your spouse refuses to go to counseling. My response to them and to you today is GO ANYWAY! All throughout scripture God leads His people to seek wise counsel. Even Jesus being fully God and fully man sought wise counsel from his heavenly Father in his time of desperation and heartache. Counseling wasn’t invented by Western culture nor is it set aside for only certain people to receive it. God calls us all to “Get all the advice and instruction you can” because he knew we would need it. We weren’t meant to figure out life on our own.

I do have a word of caution… Just because someone is a counselor it doesn’t mean they’re a good one. But please don’t let that be an excuse. If it takes you five tries, keep trying. I’m not saying you should find a counselor that will tell you what you want to hear but rather someone who understands and is able to lead you to a place of health. I know there ARE some amazing counselors out there because we had one! The bible doesn’t say seeking wise counsel would be easy or fun. In fact it will most-likely cause you pain. But it will be a redemptive pain rather than destructive pain.

Seeking wise counsel helps guide our pain into redemptive pain where God makes beauty from ashes.

Most of the time it is assumed that the biggest regret I have in our marriage is my choice to have an affair. The hurt was visible. The devastation was widespread. It must be my biggest regret. There is no doubt that I regret that choice every single day.

But the single worst mistake that I’ve made in our marriage is refusing to go to counseling. It is my biggest regret.

Years before the affair, Trisha asked me to go to counseling. She could tell that we were well beyond our experience and well beyond our ability to fix us. She asked, and I refused. I came up with every excuse there is: we don’t have time; we will get through it; I can make the changes I need to make; I’m a pastor, I don’t go to counseling, I give counsel. 

My biggest excuse: We can’t afford counseling. 

Every poor choice; every single mistake; every hidden sin-including the affair, was a consequence of my refusal to go to counseling. Would counseling have magically fixed our marriage? No. But my pride prevented our marriage from the healing that was possible.

Not going to counseling was like dying of cancer simply because I refused to go to the doctor.

RefineUs is a place where everyone can come as they are. This is a place where we acknowledge that everyone is broken and everyone needs healing. This is a place of grace and second chances. This is also a place where we speak the truth in love, knowing that it is only Truth that has the power to transform our hearts. I feel compeled to speak truth in love today.

I think every married couple should consider counseling. It is so helpful. But if your marriage is in trouble or you are contemplating divorce or separation, you can’t afford not to go to counseling.

The average divorce in the United States costs $15,000. Fifteen thousand. You could spend one hour a week in counseling for the next 3 years before you amassed that total. If you have kids, you can’t calculate the cost to them. Divorce, in every way, is much more expensive than counseling.

Should all marriages stay together? No. Can all marriages stay together? No. I know there are many marriages that end even though one spouse deeply desires to make it work.

But so many marriages end way too early and way too easily.

Your marriage is the most important human relationship you have. All other relationships flow out of the health or the dysfunction of your marriage. It is worth the fight!

When we don’t allow wisdom and truth into our life, we become a product of our own will and our own wisdom. For most of us, our own will and wisdom won’t bring about change. All of us need help.

My opinion on counseling: You can’t afford not to.

What is your opinion?

Oh, if learning from our mistakes was as easy as asking “miss-know-it all” Lucy for help!

One of the biggest mistakes I (Trisha) made in our marriage was in the area of physical intimacy. I went to sex education class in 7^th grade. Unfortunately, I made poor choices in high school that made sex education more than just a textbook. By the time I met and married Justin I brought enough baggage of sexual brokenness with me that I forgot what life was like without it.

We got married young. We had kids young. Most of our adult life Justin and I experienced numerous “first time” experiences together.  The poor guy had to experience what it was like to purchase feminine products for the first time after being married less than 24 hours!

Learning how to have a healthy sex life was no exception. We both came into our marriage broken but because we waited to have sex with each other until we got married, we honestly convinced ourselves that staying pure with each other would cover all sins. We were wrong.

I made the mistake of viewing physical intimacy as an afterthought rather than a foundational part of our relationship. Even worse, I eventually used it as a means to get back at Justin. It was my weapon.

When Justin came home late… again…

When Justin didn’t help around the house…

When Justin embarrassed me in front of our small group…

When Justin didn’t meet my expectations my response was to get back at him by refusing to be intimate with him.

When I think about it now, it’s a wonder that we didn’t self-destruct within the first couple years of marriage. It wasn’t until I almost lost my marriage that I finally realized how lost I was in understanding God’s purpose of sexually intimacy. I was on a mission to figure it out and what I found was a panoramic view of intimacy I had never seen before. The definition of intimacy is to be fully known. God calls us to be fully known by our spouse emotionally, spiritually and, yes, physically.

Read what 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 says:

“It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”

I am often asked how was I able to be sexually intimate with Justin after the affair and his ten-year addiction to pornography when my view of sex was already so messed-up.  What I love about this passage is that it answers the question for me. Anyone can have sex-but intimacy comes with a price. You have to give more of yourself emotionally, lean into each other more spiritually and the end result is an intimate relationship that surpasses any person’s fantasy. Why? Because its not fantasy at all. Fantasy feels good in the beginning but in the end it leaves you empty. Pure, God centered, intimacy is long lasting.

This type of intimacy grows over time and leaves you constantly longing for each other and no one else. Not pornography… not another man or woman… Nothing. It truly becomes an act of serving each other in a way that no other relationship was meant to fill.

I love that! I can honestly say over the past seven years God has redeemed every single choice from our past and given us not only a healthy view of sex but rather a continued desire to serve each other “whether in bed or out”. Sex is no longer a tool for us to get what we want but rather a cherished gift from God in which to serve one another.

Did you have a clear understanding of sexual intimacy going into marriage?

We started this blog series Monday, talking about the mistakes that we allow to creep into our marriage. These are the mistakes that probably won’t cause divorce, but they will keep us from experiencing the marriage we long for and the marriage God has in mind for us. First, we talked about scorekeeping. Yesterday, we talked about sweating the small stuff. Today is part three.

The number one goal I had when Trisha and I got married almost 17 years ago, was to avoid conflict. Well, “have sex as often as possible” was actually number one; avoiding conflict by default was number two. In all seriousness, I didn’t see conflict as a good thing at all. When Trisha and I would get into arguments, I wouldn’t fight back, I would tell her that she was right and I was sorry.

Over the course of the first few years of our marriage, this desire to avoid conflict developed a pattern in our marriage relationship. I would think everything was okay in our marriage as long as we weren’t arguing, so I tried to keep the peace as much as possible. Trisha began to realize that the only way to truly get my attention was through an argument. So she would get angry and start a fight. I would respond by wanting it to end as quickly as possible and she would stay mad until I apologized. “I’m sorry” were the magic words in my mind. I said them a lot.

During one argument about nine years into our marriage we were pretty intense as I had learned to fight back at this point. I could tell that I was gaining no ground and I wanted to move on with my day. I simply said, “Why don’t we save a lot of time and energy here, and you just tell me what I need to apologize for, I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry’ and we can both move on.” It was a statement of deep intimacy and love…or not.

This was a mistake that was holding us back, because here is the deal: Saying you’re sorry and being sorry are two different things.

When you say you’re sorry, you do the minimum requirement to restore peace and make the conflict go away. When you say you’re sorry your behavior rarely changes for the long haul. When you simply say you’re sorry your intention is to end the argument, not resolve it.

Being sorry is completely different. Being sorry often doesn’t require an apology, because your actions demonstrate it. Being sorry brings heart change not behavior modification. Being sorry doesn’t just seek to end the argument, it tries to leverage the conflict to build intimacy.

Avoiding conflict will never improve your marriage. It is fools gold. Avoiding conflict allows you to believe everything is okay, when everything isn’t okay. It allows you to believe that saying, “I’m sorry” will fix everything, when sometimes, “I’m sorry” is the mistake that is holding you back.

Do you embrace or avoid conflict in relationships?

I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point on Sunday. We continued our series, Empty Promises, based on Pete’s new book. It has been a powerful series for our church, and for me personally. I talked about how easy it is to be addicted to our appearance.

Each week, we broadcast the message at our Internet Campus, and then following the message there is a live Q&A. Chris Surratt, the Internet Campus Pastor and I were talking during the Q&A, and in our conversation I quoted the scripture James 5:16:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Chris said something in that moment that was brilliant. He said, “The confession James is talking about  isn’t for forgiveness. It is God that forgives. It is for healing; healing that comes through confessing our sins to one another.”  I had never thought about it that way.

Most of us have the “forgiveness” type of confession down. We know that in order to get forgiveness from God we have to confess our sins. Maybe you grew up confessing to a priest; maybe it is something that you do in your quiet time with God; maybe it is something that you do after you’ve made a huge mistake. Most of us know that forgiveness from God comes through confession.

We don’t talk about the “healing” type of confession in the Church very often. In fact, we have built a religious system that tries to find healing through hiding our sins, not confessing them. The sins we do confess are safe sins: bitterness, jealousy, materialism, selfishness.

I was the master at this. I appeared “authentic” for confessing socially acceptable sins while I lived as a prisoner to sins I wasn’t willing to confess. For years, I forfeited the healing that God longed to bring to my heart not because I didn’t confess my sins to Him; but because I refused to confess them to anyone else.

Temptation loses its power when we confess. 

Sin loses its ability to keep us fractured when we confess. 

Addictions lose the control they have in our lives when we confess. 

God knew that we would need two things to live in freedom in this life: the burden-bearing love of one another and the power of God through prayer. Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other…so that you may be healed. 

Will living this way be easy? No. Will it be worth it? More than you could ever imagine.

Healing may be a conversation away.

I (Justin) grew up with a pretty low self-esteem. Like most kids I wanted to feel valued; to be accepted by others; to feel good about myself. I got made fun of one summer when I was wearing shorts, and called “chicken legs”. I didn’t wear shorts for a few years after that. Self-esteem is a fickle thing. It isn’t something that either you have it or you don’t have…it comes and goes.

Sometimes when you have a high self-esteem it only takes one insult; one harsh word; one failure; one break-up; one tight fit in the dressing room; one lost job; one financial mistake to completely destroy your self-esteem. Self-esteem is easier to lose than it is to gain. People are driven by self esteem. There are books about how to raise your kids’ self-esteem. There are seminars about how to improve your self-esteem.

Lots of people making lots of money on how crappy we feel about ourselves.

Can I share something with you that has set me free and I think can set you free?

There is a huge difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth.

Self-esteem is conditional. Self-esteem factors in your brokenness. Self-esteem is your perception of you. Self-esteem gathers all of your hurt, all of your rejection, all of the lies you believe about yourself and allows you to rehearse those things over and over again in your mind. Self-esteem remembers the one insult you received last week and forgets the ten compliments you got. Self-esteem is an emotional roller coaster that leaves you never looking good enough; never being smart enough; never achieving enough; never accumulating enough.

Your self-worth is God given. Your self-worth is non-negotiable. Your self-worth is based not on who you are, but on who God is. Your self-worth can’t be taken away; it can’t be degraded; it can’t be robbed. Your self-worth was given to you before the creation of the world. Your attractiveness, your beauty, your weight, your complexion, your hair color, your smile, your body shape, your tax bracket, your employment status, your marital status, your past mistakes and failures have nothing to do with your self-worth. You are valuable for the single reason that you were created in the image and majesty of God.

You are valuable because God sees you as valuable.

How much would your life change if you stopped living out of your self-esteem and starting living out of your self-worth?

Christ didn’t die to give you higher self-esteem; He died to demonstrate your self-worth.

Do you struggle in seeing the difference between your self-esteem and your self-worth?

If you’re a faithful reader of our blog I’m sure you’ve noticed that we have had the same post up for several days. At the end of this month Justin and I will turn in our manuscript for our very first book, Anything But Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Isn’t Good Enough. Our book is being published by Tyndale Publishing and will release in February 2013.

In addition to our book, we’ve been asked to speak in several different environments…from churches to marriage conferences to leadership conferences. It’s been a mind-blowing year of what God has chosen to do with RefineUs Ministries. Our blog and our book were both birthed out of a desire to help restore hope and renew relationships. Whether they are marriages that are in crisis or marriages that just need a bit of guidance, it’s been amazing to see life change take place.

We also love our friends that aren’t married that read our blog and understand that the heart of what we write about isn’t as much about marriage as it is about personal life transformation. Our single friends have been some of the most encouraging cheerleaders for us to continue doing what we do.

One thing that Justin and I have been consistent with on this blog is being honest and vulnerable. This post is no different.

Although it’s been an amazing three years leading this blog and ministry if we are honest with you Justin and I are tired. Really tired. What we do and the majority of the people we work with are at a place of entering into crisis or just recovering from crisis. Our emails come fast and furious and are heart wrenching.

In order to write our book Justin and I have had a blast thinking through our almost twenty years together. Although our book is NOT about an affair there is a chapter that is about the affair. There is so much to be thankful while at the same time we have felt afresh just how much has been lost. It’s been an amazing and yet and exhausting process.

The past three months we have witnessed heartbreaking separations and even some divorces of good friends. Statistically speaking, half of the marriages in our congregation at Cross Point will end in divorce. The need and heartbreak extend well beyond our church walls, and into the lives of the thousands of people that read our blog each week.

For us each couple represents a family, kids whose lives are forever changed through heartbreaking choices that their parents make.  It’s just hard and sad to watch over and over again. It seems the “BIG C” church is so used to divorce that we have perfected “Divorce Care” yet have little to offer for “lets not get to the point where we want to get divorced” care.

As Justin and I have spent time in prayer we’ve realized that we need some time to pour into our own marriage beyond writing a book together, doing ministry together, and parenting together. When you lead from a place of exhaustion you lead with a “chip” on your shoulder rather than God leading. When you lead tired you think the worst of people and have a hard time bouncing back from criticism. Justin and I have felt this rear its ugly head off and on over the past few weeks.

The word that God kept bringing to both Justin and I is Sabbath. So we are doing what every marketing expert, blog guru and strategist would say not to do…We are taking a Sabbath from our blog and email.

The reality is that when Justin confessed to the affair on a Sunday afternoon we NEVER went back yet church still happened next week! Although I am thankful for this blog I know that we aren’t the only ones doing effective marriage ministry. Jesus is STILL at work regardless if I am or not. What I do know is that I need to be obedient to God even when it doesn’t make sense.

So with that, not only are we announcing the completion of our book,  but also that Justin and I will be going on a nine-week sabbatical from our blog. We will continue to speak at our various speaking engagements and finding rest in the in-between.  We will be back MONDAY MAY 7^th and we’re really excited for what God will speak to us that we will be able to then share with you!

Thank you for your love and support!

Justin and Trish

One of the most important and uncomfortable things I’ve done over the past five years is engage in conversations with my boys about sex, lust, porn and temptation. It has been awkward and it has been difficult. It has been worth it.

The other day, my son Elijah and I were talking about sexual temptation and the ability we have to act like we don’t struggle with it. Elijah shared some conversations he had with some friends at school and some temptations he has been facing as a 13 year old, seventh grader. He then said, “I just feel really guilty that I am even tempted in that way.”

As Christians, I think we all buy this lie. I think The Church has sold this lie for generations. We should feel guilty for being tempted. We are made to feel dirty for being tempted. We are made to feel shameful for being tempted. We are made to feel far from God because we are tempted.

Here is the truth…Jesus was tempted. The perfect Son of God faced temptation. No matter how spiritual you are, no matter how close to God you are, no matter how put together you are…you will be tempted.

What I shared with my son, Elijah, I want to share with you today: Sin doesn’t come because we are tempted. Sin comes as act like we aren’t tempted. Temptation only grows in secret.

The power of temptation is not in it’s ability to cause us to sin; its in its ability to keep us quiet.

The freedom from temptation we long for comes as we share those temptations with one another and bring them into the light. Maybe we actually sin more because we act like we don’t experience temptation. Our silence gives sin a place to grow into fruition. Could it be possible that we would sin less in our life if we exposed temptation when we experienced it?

What is interesting is that God promises an escape from the temptation; very few of us actually choose to take it.

You have the power through Christ to overcome temptation.

I am praying you will have the courage to choose it.

Temptation only grows in secret.

Trisha and I have the opportunity to speak at the Velocity conference today. We are so honored and a little nervous. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to share our story and speak into the lives of others. It is such a privilege. The conference started yesterday and one of the speakers, Brian Bloye posed a question to us that I think is relevant for every single Christian.

Is Jesus enough?

If everything else goes away…is Jesus enough?

• If your marriage never gets any better…is Jesus enough?
• If you don’t get that promotion…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your house…is Jesus enough?
• If that friendship is never reconciled…is Jesus enough?
• If you lose your job…is Jesus enough?
• If you never get remarried…is Jesus enough?
• If that dream you’ve been dreaming for years doesn’t come true…is Jesus enough?
• If he never says he’s sorry…is Jesus enough?
• If she doesn’t choose you…is Jesus enough?
• If the person that means the most to you causes you the most pain…is Jesus enough?
• If everything and everyone goes away…is Jesus enough?

Is Jesus enough?

The truth about me, and probably the truth about you is that most of the time, Jesus isn’t enough…until He’s all you have.

Then, He is more than you could ever imagine.

An honest answer
is like a kiss of friendship. Proverbs 24:26

For the first 32 years of my life, I struggled with honesty. I told the truth, but would exaggerate sometimes. It started with lies to my parents about who spilled milk on the floor in the kitchen, then where I was going on a Friday night. I would fudge the truth with friends on what colleges I was being recruited by to play basketball, I’d lie to professors when asked if I’d read the assignment they had given.

I graduated from college and went into ministry, but honest answers weren’t consistent. I’d lie about how many kids were at youth group. I’d lie to people I didn’t want to do dinner with and tell them I was busy. I’d tell people I didn’t get their message when I had listened to it and didn’t return their call.

My wife wasn’t spared from my stretching of the truth. I’d often tell her I’d be home at a certain time, and consistently show up late. I tell her we had the money to make a purchase when I knew if we spent the money it would have to be taken from another area. I’d over book our calendar and tell her I told her about a dinner we had to go to when I’d never had that conversation.

I rationalized my lies with “They aren’t really hurting anyone. No one will ever find out. They’re just exaggerations.” No one ever sets out to become a liar. No one ever sets out to not be trustworthy. No one ever dreams of having people question what they say because you have exaggerated so much.

I love how the Message translation puts this verse: “An honest answer is like a warm hug.”

Truth is inviting. Truth builds up. Truth is the foundation of relationship. My prayer is that God would allow me to be a person of truth. That when I speak people feel the warmth of truth. When I say something people receive it as though they are hearing it from a friend.

How are you at truth telling? Is there lack of warmth in some relationships because you are withholding truth or stretching the truth?

Who do you need to give a warm hug to this week by giving an honest answer?