We are so excited to be a part of “Velocity 2012″ put on by churchplanters.com. We have been blessed by Shawn and Tricia Lovejoy and their ministry to pastors. We can’t wait to be a a part.  Would love to see you there this February. For more information you can go HERE.  You can get 20% off of your registration by using the code: #velocity12JTDavis. Below is a post we did for their blog yesterday that I thought was pertinent for all of us as we begin the new year.

One of the most consistent enemies I have to my relationship with God is this thing called “control.” Control is my ability to believe that I can lead and guide my life, my marriage, my relationships better than God. Control always makes promises it can never keep. God doesn’t ask me to give up control because of what control will do to Him. God asks me to give up control because of what control does to me. Control will cost you. Here are three costs of control I have seen in my own life.

1. Control will deceive you.

Control will cause us to believe our earthly desires carry a heavenly purpose. God wants me to be happy. God wants me to be successful. God wants me to be comfortable. God wants me to have a bigger house. God wants me to get remarried. God wants me to have a good job. God wants me to be fulfilled. God wants me to be satisfied. It’s not that these things aren’t true; it’s that they aren’t as true as God’s ultimate desire for you. God wants you be holy more than he wants you to be happy. What happens is we begin to justify our decisions based on what we want, not on what God says or desires for us.

It’s why we end up thousands of dollars in debt. Control deceives us. It’s why someone reading this today is considering leaving their spouse for a guy at work. Control is deceiving you. It’s why there is a guy reading this today that has thought about leaving is wife and kids for the old girlfriend he’s talking to on Facebook…control is deceiving you. It’s why people spend 90 hours at work and very little time investing in their family…control deceives them. It’s why the bigger house didn’t make you a better husband. It’s why the nicer car doesn’t make you feel more successful. Control deceives us.

2. Control will exhaust you.

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous lay out a way of life that is the greatest single vehicle to freedom for addicts of alcohol that this world has ever known.

This is what is interesting to me…in which of the 12 steps does it say, “Now try really hard not to drink.” None of them. The most powerful tool against the most powerful addiction in the world never asks people to decide to stop doing what they have to stop doing. They do not mobilize their will…they surrender their will.

Control will exhaust you. Control will convince you that you have to overcome your problem, your baggage, your wounds. You can behave your way to a better life; a better marriage; a better relationship. Jesus says surrender your life.

I heard Rick Warren, pastor of Saddleback Church, say one time, “Most Christians think they become more like Christ by trying, but it actually happens by dying.” Maybe you are just tired today…you are exhausted from trying to control every aspect of your life; your marriage; your career.

3. Control will rob you.

Control will keep you up at night worried. Control will rob you of joy in your relationships. Control will cause you to lose hours, days, years of your life to stress and anxiety. Control will convince you that more money, more possessions, more relationships, more success will give you the life that God created you to have…and control will make you think you are gaining the whole world…while you lose your soul.

What do you need to let go of in 2012?

We have great intentions don’t we? If our life was measured by our intentions we would all be very successful in all aspects of life. We intend to have great marriages. We intend to have deep friendships. We intend to be completely honest. We intend to share all of our heart. We intend to be fully known. What prevents our intentions from being reality?

Fear.

There are three fears that have robbed me of what I have wanted for myself and desired for my marriage and friendships. When any or all of these fears are greater than our intentions to be fully known, intimacy will be always be the casualty. These three fears may be holding you back from having the marriage you want; the relationship with God you want; the friendships you desire.

1. Fear of Being Found Out

When we have something we are hiding, we will never experience intimacy at its greatest level. When we fear being found out we withhold ourselves from those we care about most. Our fear will over take our heart and we will stress out and we will imagine worst case scenarios and we will allow the fear of being found out to do more damage than simply telling the truth.Most of the time trying to hide the truth only leads us to what we fear the most: being found out.

2. Fear of Not Being Loved

Insecurity has robbed me of being fully known in so many relationships. When you allow the fear of not being loved to live in your heart, you are never fully yourself. You are constantly tempted to change who you are to live up to what you perceive others’ expectations to be. You are not happy being you and you feel like you are never appreciated for who you truly are. Fear of not being loved robs you of what you fear losing: Love.

3. Fear of Emotional Pain

There is an equation that we all calculate when pursuing intimacy: If I share this will the pain I experience be worth it in the end. If I share my heart; if I bring this into the light; if I open this can of worms will it be worth it? Those of us that fear emotional pain are great at pretending like things are okay in our life; in our marriage; in a friendship; even when they are not okay. We compromise intimacy by trying to avoid pain and in the end we cause ourselves and others what we fear the most: pain.

Maybe the marriage you want; the friendship you intend to have; the person you intend to be is being held back by one word: Fear.

What you intend to have and the intimacy you desire can be yours…if you will overcome your fears.

Divorce doesn’t happen all at once. Addictions don’t take hold overnight. Relationships don’t usually just implode. There is a slide into divorce. There is a gradual accent into addiction.  There is a subtle breakdown in relationships.

Most of the time, our character doesn’t deteriorate instantly. It starts with a willingness to rationalize. We are capable of convincing ourselves that the choice we are making isn’t that big of a deal.

Rationalizing is a slippery slope, and it doesn’t kill us all at once, it kills us an inch at a time. A small compromise here, a justification there, and little by little the convictions you once had fade away. Maybe you aren’t justifying an affair…but you are on the slippery slope of rationalizing other choices:

-withholding truth: You have accountability partners, and you have people with whom you are “doing life” and you have a spouse that you say you could tell anything to…but deep inside, you are withholding truth. Accountability is only as good as our willingness to be transparent, and you rationalize the truth you withhold as “not really telling a lie, and no one is really getting hurt.” So you withhold more and more and more of yourself.

-pornography: You know what pornography has done to other marriages, to other friends, to other families, to other church leaders…but you aren’t really “addicted” to pornography…and besides it doesn’t have the same affect on you that it does on other people. It won’t hurt your life, your marriage, your kids, your church, your ministry like it has other people.

-debt…You know you need to create a budget. You know you need to stop using credit cards. You know you need to share with your spouse how much debt you are in. But you make enough money to cover the minimum payments. You know you’ll be able to pay off the big screen in less than 90 days. You deserve the trip on Spring Break…you’ve worked hard. How could you not use your Macy’s card, it was an extra 15% off?

-drinking…Its not like you are an alcoholic. You can stop any time you want. You just like to have a good time. You just like to go out with the fellas. You just need to take the edge off. You know how to hold your liquor.

-flirting in the office…The sexual comments are common place at your office. The person you are flirting with knows you’re happily married. It is just friendly banter, it will never go any farther than that. You’re just charismatic, its part of your personality, its who you are…people think you’re charming.

The list could go on…the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the grudges we hold, the people we gossip about, the tempers we lose…we can justify it and explain it away.

It’s a small choice here, and a compromise there…and one morning we wake up and we have no idea how we drifted so far away from where we knew God was leading us. I have been there.

When we rationalize sin, we are telling the deepest of all lies…that is a lie to ourself.

Have you ever read a passage of Scripture that you have read 100 times before, but for some reason in that moment it hits you in a different way than it ever did before? That happened to me the other day.

Genesis 2:25 “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

There is a shame epidemic in Christianity today. So many people feel ashamed. Ashamed in their friendships. Ashamed in their marriages. Ashamed in their relationship with God. The problem with shame is that it puts a choke-hold on grace. Shame allows you to experience living with the knowledge you are free from the penalty of sin, but feeling as though you are not.

What jumps out to me about this passage is that there is a definite connection between nakedness and shame. Naked doesn’t just describe Adam and Eve’s physical appearance…it describes the condition of their heart. It illustrates their relationship with God.

Our willingness to live naked…to live exposed…to come out of hiding will determine the amount of shame with which we live. We can’t understand why we can’t grow in our intimacy with God. We can’t figure out why all of our friendships come to a standstill after the same exact amount of time. We convince ourselves that the pseudo-intimacy we experience in our marriage is as good as it can be. Shame diminishes our potential for intimacy in every aspect of our life.

God’s desire for us is:

• Bare
• Open
• Exposed
• Uncovered
• Honest
• Known

What we live in is:

• Hidden
• Disguised
• Secret
• Concealed
• Buried
• Unknown

Adam and Eve hid behind fig leaves and thought that God wouldn’t see them. How ridiculous is that? How could anyone ever think they could hide from God behind fig leaves? I would never do that.

Except: I hide behind my reputation; my income; my status; my talent; my career; my smile; my ability to fake you out. What this type of hiding leads to is shame…and shame is the enemy of the life God longs for us to have.

Maybe today, you are experiencing shame in your life; in your marriage; in your friendships; in your relationship with God because for some time you have been unwilling to be naked. You have counted the cost of baring your soul and exposing your heart to God or to another…and the cost seems to high.

It will cost you something. To live naked will cost you a lot. But what you will gain is being known and feeling no shame.

James 5:16: “Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, so that you can be healed.”

Life isn’t made up of one big event that defines us, but rather small moments that collect in our heart and mind as we go through life. I had the opportunity to witness one of those moments play out in the life of our son, Micah a few weeks ago.

In June 2009, we were given an opportunity go back into ministry after a four year journey of restoration. We were living in Indianapolis and my role as campus pastor at Cross Point would require a move to Nashville. As parents, Trisha and I had been praying about the possibility of holding Micah back and having him repeat 7th grade. He was fine academically, but he was the youngest kid in his class, and our concern was that as he went through middle school and high school, his emotional and academic potential might not be realized at the same pace as his classmates. And selfishly, we loved the idea of having one more year with him. When we were presented with the opportunity to move, it made that decision much easier. New school. New start. New friends. So in August of 2009, Micah began his 7th grade year, again.

A few weeks ago, the athletic director at Micah’s high school approached me with a concerned look on his face. Micah had been getting up at 5AM all summer to go workout and I was his designated driver and rebounder. The AD asked me if we’d held Micah back in 2009. I told him that we had. He said we have a problem. The state of Tennessee has a rule that kids that are held back after 7th grade are ineligible to play their freshman year. I talked about our process and that we were from out of state and that Indiana doesn’t have that rule. He said, “We’ll appeal and see what they say.”

Two weeks ago, Trisha and I showed up at the end of practice to meet with Micah and his coach. The ruling came back and Micah was determined to be ineligible to play basketball at any level for 2011-2012. We sat in his coach’s office and all three of us cried as we tried to explain it to him. He was devastated. All the hard work. All the camps. All the early mornings. He can’t play. Not because he did anything wrong…because we made a decision for him.

Over the past two weeks I’ve seen that moment make my son into more of the man God longs for him to be. He goes to practice. He works hard. He encourages his teammates. He isn’t resentful. Today he offered to keep stats for the year for his team so he can have a role and still feel a part of the team. Micah’s team is ranked in the top 3 in the state of Tennessee, and he won’t be able to play at all…yet he is allowing this moment to make him. Micah got to play in 5 pre-season scrimmage games this past week…and now his season is over. Here is a pic from one of his “games.”

One of the things we’ve decided is that the state of Tennessee will not define our son. They can keep him from playing, but they can’t define him.

There is a moment in your life too, I’m sure. There is news you weren’t expecting. There is a bill you hadn’t planned on. There is a situation at work that has caught you off guard. There is a diagnosis you didn’t deserve, but you still have to deal with. There is a moment that has the potential to break you, if you will let it. Can I encourage you today…allow that moment to make you. Allow God to use that moment of despair; of pain; of hurt; of disappointment; of regret; of fear; of uncertainty to make you into the man or woman God longs for you to be.

I’ve seen God do huge things in my son over the last two weeks and I know He’ll do the same for you. It won’t be easy or fair, but it will be true.

I learned a lot about this community yesterday.  Here is what I learned: A lot of us guys really want to lead our family spiritually, we just have no clue how to do it. I also realized that I am not alone and I’m not crazy. Spiritual leadership is hard.

I want to say upfront that I don’t have all the answers. I am very much in process and I get this wrong as much as I get it right. I also want to say that as a man and as the spiritual leader of your house, if you choose to engage in this area, it will change the entire climate and culture of your home. I’ve seen it happen in my family and God blows me away with His faithfulness and I lean into His leadership.

Here are some things I’m learning about leading spiritually:

1. Understand that leading is a calling.

If you are a Christ-follower and you are a husband and/or a dad, being a leader spiritually isn’t something you are asked to do, it is something that God has called you to do. That always sounded intimidating to me…until I realized this: God has never called anyone to do anything and not been with them and provided for them along the way. God cares more about your family than you do and yet He called you to lead…how cool is that. He longs to partner with you in that process. When I saw God as a partner in leading my family and not as a disappointed supervisor, it changed everything.

2. Be intentional.

There is a huge difference between good intentions and being intentional. For the first 10 years of my marriage, I had good intentions. I intended to be a good leader. It wasn’t until I became as intentional about leading my family as I am about leading at work that anything changed. For me, this has to do with time. I set aside time to be with my boys. We go to breakfast. I read books with them and discuss the books. (Sometimes the discussion questions at the end of the chapter give us something to talk about that we wouldn’t have otherwise.) My wife and I go on date nights. Nothing good usually happens by accident. We have to choose it.

3. Lead Relationally.

My friend Pete and I were talking the other day about how the greatest leaders we know have an ability to lead through a relationship. You follow them not because they make you follow, but because you have such a deep relationship, you want to follow. This principle applies to our spiritual leadership in our home. We’ve said for years, “Rules without relationship equals rebellion.” As I invest in my relationships with my wife and kids, they follow naturally, not just because I quote some verse of the Bible that says I’m the leader.

4. Be Vulnerable.

Admit when you don’t know the answer. Allow your kids to see you struggle to make a decision. Tell your wife that you don’t know which decision you should make but your greatest desire is to do what is right, not what is easy. When we pretend like we always have it together, we don’t allow our family to see our relationship with God grow and develop. We come off like we don’t need God to lead us because we always know the answer. For me, nothing is further from the truth. Being vulnerable makes you a better leader because it reveals your ultimate dependance on God.

5. Be a Servant.

Nothing earns more credibility for me as a leader with my wife and my boys more than when I serve. It is sad to admit how many opportunities I’ve missed to lead my family because I was unwilling to serve or so disengaged that I didn’t see the need they had to be served. Jesus was the master model of this. It is as we serve that we truly understand what it means to be a leader.

6. Get over it being uncomfortable.

Two nights ago our family had a really rough day. We went out to eat and as we were leaving the parking lot, I put the car in park and turned around and asked for everyone’s hand. I said, “I want to pray.” One of my boys pointed out how awkward it was praying in the middle of a parking lot. I did feel awkward. But I felt God prompt me to pray so I did it…despite it feeling uncomfortable…despite my kids rolling their eyes. It wasn’t a 20 minute prayer it was a 1 minute prayer, but it was listening to God’s voice and obeying, even when it feels uncomfortable.

This is a really long blog post and there are five other things I could say. I’m still learning everyday what spiritual leadership looks like. As the man in your home, as you go, so goes your family. We’re in this together.

What would you add to this list of being an effective leader?

I’ve always wanted to be a leader. From the time I was a kid I admired leadership. I wanted to be a leader at school. I wanted to be a leader on my teams. When I went to college, I learned that God placed a call in my life to be a leader in the Church. All of those leadership roles felt natural. All of those leadership roles were attractive. When Trisha and I got married, I remember hearing something that I had never heard before and it didn’t feel natural and it didn’t seem very attractive. I was told, “You are now the spiritual leader of your family.” Huh? What does that even mean?

As a newly married youth pastor, my leadership role in the church was well defined. There were books to guide me. There were conferences to grow me. There were others who had gone before me that I could watch and emulate. But when it came to leading my family spiritually, I had no clue what it meant; no clue where to start; and no clue where to go for help. Every time “being a spiritual leader of my home” would come up in conversation I would pretend I knew what that person was talking about, but I honestly had no idea. My pretending came to a halt in 2005.

When Trisha and I separated, one of the first things I began to realize was how easy it was for me to lead a growing church and how uncomfortable it was for me to lead my family. It was easy for me to pastor other people, just not my wife and kids. It felt natural to pray with a person after the service, just really awkward to pray with my wife before bed. Because it felt so weird, I just didn’t do it. Because I was so insecure as a spiritual leader, I just ignored that call on my life. I was a horrible spiritual leader.

What I’ve come to realize is a lot of guys struggle with this. Most guys, if we’re honest, aren’t leading ourselves, our wives or our families well. Here are some reasons why I think we struggle with being spiritual leaders:

1. We are unsure of ourselves.

The truth is that most of us are intimidated by the term “spiritual leader.” We are afraid of messing up. We are afraid of getting it wrong. We are afraid of not meeting expectations. We aren’t even sure what expectations of a spiritual leader are. We have convinced ourselves that a good spiritual leader is a perfect spiritual leader and we know we aren’t perfect. Because of our insecurity we become paralyzed and choose not leading over leading imperfectly.

2. We have equated providing with leading.

As guys, most of us think that because we provide for our family, we are leading our family. We say things like, “I am providing you with this house; your mini-van; vacations in the summer; what more do you want from me?” We fail to lead the way that God intends when we equate our role as a provider with our call to be a leader. Providing is part of our job as a leader, but not all of it.

3. We manipulate instead of lead.

Out of our own misconception of leadership and our own insecurity in our ability to lead, we default to manipulate our family instead of authentically lead our family. I did this for years and it wasn’t out of malice. I didn’t realize I was manipulating Trish, I thought I was leading her. The difference lies in this question, “Is this decision what I want or is this decision what God wants?”

4. We’ve never seen it modeled or taught.

Most of our dads were sub par spiritual leaders. 50% of us grew up in homes where our dad wasn’t around or we only saw him every other weekend due to our parents divorce. There weren’t classes on spiritual leadership in college…if there were we wouldn’t have taken it. So we’ve rarely had someone to look to or to ask advice from in this area.

Tomorrow, I’ll share with you what God has taught me and continues to teach me about spiritual leadership. My prayer is that just starting the conversation would grow each of us.

What would you add to this list?

I had the honor of performing a wedding on Saturday. I love being able to share in a couple’s special day. As I was giving the message during the ceremony, I spoke about 3 things that have helped Trisha and I  journey together and love each other more today than we did the day we got married. We obviously haven’t always gotten these right, but they are the foundation to the marriage we have today.

As I was driving home I thought about how simple and obvious the things I shared are. They aren’t rocket science. But as broken and imperfect human beings they are really hard to live out. My guess is even if you have been married for a while, these will be obvious to read, but maybe not so obvious in your marriage. I truly believe that making a decision to do these three things changes the entire climate of your marriage. Here’s the advice I gave them (and you and me):

1. Pursue each other. Life will distract you. It will get busy and stressful and when kids come into the picture it will get even more so. What brought you to the place of wanting to spend the rest of your life with your spouse was your commitment to pursue each other. Don’t forget to talk together, to laugh together, to go out on dates, to prioritize each other. Don’t stop doing these things just because you are married. Love grows as we pursue our spouse.

2. Forgive Quickly: There is nothing that limits a marriage’s ability to grow than built up resentment. You will be tempted to hold a grudge. You will be tempted to get even by being bitter, but fight against that temptation. There is something amazing that happens when grace is extended in a relationship…intimacy is restored. I want to encourage you to forgive quickly.

3. Be Patient with each other. Change is a process and not an event. There will be times that you will be so frustrated when the clothes are next to the hamper instead of in the hamper. There will be times when the check book isn’t balanced. You will want more than anything the power to change the other person. But the truth is you don’t have the capacity to change the other person…so be patient as God changes them. Be slow to anger. You will show your love for one another as you demonstrate patience.

What are your thoughts on these 3 and what would you add to the list if you were giving advice to people getting married?

It is Tuesday! Tuesday in our house is Biggest Loser Night. The Biggest Loser is one of my all time favorite shows. I am a sucker for The Biggest Loser. I love the stories of the people that are on the show. I love watching them succeed in something that they have failed at most of their lives. I love watching them get to the core problems in their life that has caused them to be broken and hurt and turn to eating as a solution. I love watching them lose weight and gain self-esteem and confidence.

Almost every single week I sit on my couch and watch The Biggest Loser and cry. My family makes fun of me. I’m totally fine with that. The show truly inspires me. Over the past 10 years, I have gained weight and lost weight. Gained weight and lost weight. I never struggled with my weight growing up or in college. When I hit age 25, it was like 25lbs hit me. It has been a battle for me.

Every single Tuesday I sit on my couch and I am inspired by the people I’m watching. I am moved by their commitment. I watch personal trainers lead exercises that get results. I watch professional chefs give cooking tips and weight loss tips and it inspires me. I am inspired to lose the weight I need to lose. I can feel it. Tomorrow I’m going to the gym. But as I watch, I feel the need for a bowl of ice cream. Sometimes we are out of ice cream so I pop a bag of popcorn. Popcorn is somewhat light and doesn’t fill me up so I might grab some chips and salsa and eat that while I watch.

You know what I’ve learned recently…There is a huge difference between inspiration and transformation.

Just because I am inspired doesn’t mean I will be transformed. Inspiration requires that I feel something…transformation requires that I do something. I think can do the same exact thing as Christians. We have more access to information than ever before. We have online churches and blogs and books and conferences and Google. We have access to so much information yet we experience so little transformation.

Over the past three months, I’ve been able to lose 20lbs. I have about 20 more to go, but I am excited about my progress. A few weeks ago, I was laying in bed arguing with myself about getting up and going to the gym. I finally said to myself, “Laying here is what made you fat. The only thing you gain by laying here is weight.” Inspiration doesn’t change us over the long term. We need to seek transformation. We need to start applying all of the things we know in our heart to our lives.

Maybe you are seeking inspiration in a relationship…but what you need is transformation.

Maybe you desire inspiration to improve your marriage…but what you need is transformation.

Maybe you are looking for inspiration to be the mom or dad you know you should be…but what you need is transformation.

Inspiration comes as we acquire more information. Transformation comes as we apply what we know to our lives.

Our prayer is that RefineUs is a tool of transformation not just inspiration.

Have you confused inspiration with transformation?

In Exodus 33, Moses is presented with a pretty unique offer. God promises Moses to give the nation of Israel  all the things He has promised.

God says, go and inherit the Promised Land…he’ll take care of everything. He’ll defeat their enemies; he’ll guarantee a land that is plentiful; he guide them out of the desert; he’ll establish them as a new nation, in a new land with a new start. It seems like a pretty incredible deal!

There is only one catch: Exodus 33:3-“But I will not go with you.”

God is convinced that the people of Israel love him for what He gives, and not who He is. They base their relationship on the results God offers, rather than the relationship He desires. So He finally says, “Fine, you can have everything I’ve promised to give you; you just can’t have Me.”

I am more like the Israelites than I care to admit. I too often care more about the blessings of God than I do intimacy with God. I get so focused on what God can give me more than I do on who God is. There is always a cost to living this way. I want to share with you three ways I can tell when I value what He gives, over who He is:

1. My Heart Is Discontent

• I’ve been discontent with God’s timing and He hasn’t shown up when I think he should…so I’ve moved forward without Him
• I’ve been discontent with God’s provision so I’ve gone into debt to buy something that I couldn’t afford
• I’ve been discontent with my position or my influence so I’ve used or abused a relationship to get recognition, to feel more important or get something I thought I deserved
• I’ve been discontent with my life so I compare my stuff; my wife; my kids; my house; my job; my car to someone else that appears to have a better life than me.

When I am discontent, I play the comparison game and I say to God, “I value what you give me so much more than I value you.”

2.    My faith is circumstantial.

I feel great about my relationship with God when my job is going well, when things at home are running smooth, when I’m not sick physically, when the bills are being paid and I have a little left over, when my relationships are deep and fulfilling. But if you mess with any of those and my faith wavers…how does that happen? That happens when I value what He gives more than who He is.  My faith becomes circumstantial. As long as the circumstances of my life are good, I think God and I are good.

3. I focus more on what I accomplish than who I am becoming.

So often in my life I am content to say, “God, I’ll take the Promised Land; I’ll be happy to get out of the desert, with our without you. I’ll take success no matter the cost. I’ll take the results you provide rather than the relationship you are offering.

I want to love God simply for who He is. If He never gave me one more thing in this life, I want Him to be enough. I know I have a long way to go to live that out every day.

What about you? Do you struggle with loving God for what He gives and not for just who He is?