On Sunday, I had the opportunity to speak at Cross Point in our Light Series. I spoke on Light being embodied by Grace. I talked about the importance for those of us who have received grace to extend it to others. For years I looked at grace as something that would change the people to whom I gave it. What I’ve realized recently is that grace changes me as I give it.

Here is an excerpt of the message:

The supernatural ability of grace is not just its ability to transform the person you extend it to. The supernatural ability of grace is its ability to transform you, as you extend it.

God calls us to give grace as much for us as for those to which we are called to give it.

Here is the deal today…you will not always feel like doing this. This is a difficult way to live. Not holding a grudge will be difficult. Accepting the unacceptable will not be easy. Overcoming resentment and bitterness will not be popular. There will be times that the last thing you feel like doing is forgiving.

Your husband owes you. Your mom let you down. Your wife broke your trust. Your dad abused you. You will not always feel like giving grace.

Often, extending grace is more about obedience than it is about feelings.

Doesn’t giving grace just excuse their choice to hurt me? Don’t they in a sense just get away with that they’ve done when I give them grace? How can that be fair?

Grace doesn’t excuse their behavior; grace prevents their behavior from hardening your heart.

When I got home, Trisha told me a story of a woman that goes to our church. Every year for the past several years this grace-giving woman has chosen to overcome her feelings and be obedient to something she feels God has called her to do.

A few days before Christmas, she loads her four kids up and drives them several states away. She drops them off at their dad’s house so they can spend Christmas day with their dad, while she stays with her sister. This would be a sacrifice under normal circumstances. But this is grace at a different level.

He had an affair. He left her and married the woman with whom he had the affair. Out of obedience to what she feels God has laid on her heart, she drives her kids all the way to him (them) so her kids can have the memory of Christmas with their father.

Does she feel like it? I’d bet money that she doesn’t. But what she does every time she makes that drive is she disarms the power of resentment and bitterness. She releases the control of someone’s choice to affect her heart. She doesn’t validate his choice, she chooses to not allow his choice to define her and ruin her. She extends grace.

Grace may never change him, but it changes her.

Is there a person in your life this Christmas that needs grace? Will you give it even if you don’t feel like it?

Three years ago I sat in a Starbucks in downtown Indianapolis talking with an old friend. Mark and his wife have played a huge role in our life, in our marriage and in our ministry. I worked for Mark for three years. He is the founding and senior pastor of Oakbrook Church. I’ve always looked up to him. He spoke truth into my life. He was an encouragement to me. He was the first person to tell me that I had the gift of teaching and he wanted to help me become a better teacher; a better leader; a better pastor.

In this moment, I sat across from him trying to explain the slow fade of my character that lead to the affair. It was a tough conversation. I had that feeling you get in your gut when you know you’ve disappointed a coach or a teacher or a parent. I knew he loved me…but I knew he was disappointed.

He asked me a question that I still think about today: “How are you going to make this up to Trisha?”

I didn’t have an answer. How do you make up something so big? I simply said “Mark, there is no way I can ever make this up to Trisha. All I can do is allow God to redeem what I will never be able to redeem.”

I didn’t realize at the time how much I would need to repeat those words to myself. Guilt is powerful. Shame can control you.  Disgrace can consume your heart. Somehow it is easy for us to come to a place where we think we can redeem ourselves. We can make up for our mistakes. We can erase the past.

If we can be better…if we don’t lose our temper…if we don’t look at pornography again…if we can not be so controlling…if we can not gripe as much…if we can do our part around the house…listen more…come home earlier…work less…make less mistakes…Then somehow we can redeem ourselves. We can even the scales. We can make everything right.

When you and I try to redeem ourselves, we humanize grace.

Will you allow me to speak to your heart today?  You can’t redeem yourself.

You weren’t created to be the Redeemer. As you are trying to redeem your past, you are carrying the weight that only Jesus Christ can carry. You are trying to be your own messiah.

Jesus offers not just to save you from your sins, but also to save you from yourself. Allow him to bring the redemption you long for.

The truth is you can’t always make up for the past…but God can redeem your past if you will let Him.

Do you struggle with trying to redeem yourself?

This past weekend, Trisha and I had the opportunity to partner with two churches. SunCrest Christian Church and Fox Valley Christian Church. We spent Friday night and all day Saturday teaching our Refine Our Marriage material at a marriage retreat for SunCrest. It was such an honor to share life with such great couples. God showed up in some very cool ways!

On Sunday, we had the honor of returning to a church where I served as youth pastor in 1997. They invited us back and we shared our story and journey over the past five years. As we were driving home on Sunday, I realized that in the context of teaching 10 different times throughout the weekend…God reminded me of some life-changing truths:

1. Everyone Has a Story

I was reminded as I listened to the couples we spent the weekend with and talked with couples after the service on Sunday that everyone has a story. Everyone has brokenness. Everyone has problems. Everyone is on a journey. So often, I assume that people are as healthy as they appear to be. So often I assume I’m as healthy as I appear to be. I can never know what someone might be going through by just looking at them. They have a story. We can get so used to our superficial Christian relationships that we fail to see the journey that others around us are on. This weekend was a vivid reminder that no matter where we are, no matter where we’ve been, we are all trying to find our way back to God.

2. Everyone Needs Hope

Both Trisha and I were blown away at how many people said that our story gave them hope. What I hear in that is how much God’s redemptive power gives hope.  My friend Pete said a couple of weeks ago in a message that “Hope is oxygen for our souls.” What I am reminded of is that no matter what you’ve done…there is hope. No matter how bad life is right now…there is hope. No matter how many mistakes you’ve made…there is hope. No matter how hopeless you might feel…there is hope. God often does his best work in what appear to be hopeless situations. There is hope.

3. Only GRACE has the power to change us

For years I tried to change. For years, I changed as much as I humanly could. What I discovered was my desire to change was always greater than my ability to change. Until I encountered grace. Not just the grace that gets me to heaven, but the grace that prepares me for heaven. When I hit rock bottom, and my only hope was grace…Jesus offered it.  A response of love is always greater than a response of obligation. Jesus said it like this, “He who has been forgiven of much, loves much.” When a person surrenders to grace, the Holy Spirit has the freedom to bring about change. I was reminded of that this weekend.

My encouragement to you today:

God is writing a story with your life. Don’t lose hope. Cling to grace.

Not just the grace to get you to heaven…but the grace to sustain you as you allow Christ to refine you.

Over the past few years I’ve taken some shots for talking about our past. I’ve had people email me or leave comments on our blog and tell me that I need to move on. The past is the past. Let it go. I’ve had people say that I am living in the past. Some think that I am glorifying the sins of my past. I’ve been told that its not healthy for me, for my marriage or my kids to continue to talk about the affair or the pornography or the destruction of our marriage.

I hear ya.

I remember reading an article last year (I wish I could find it and link to it) about cancer patients. The article talks about how people that have cancer go through a time of crisis. They realize how short their life could be…how this disease could take their life. They become desperate for God. They become more aware of the importance of their family. They realize what is most important. They realign their priorities. Their life changes, in many ways for the better, even though they have been rocked by this disease.

What was interesting is that many people who have had cancer, gone through chemo, and now live in remission, wish they could go back. Those in this article stated that they felt the closest to God when they were unsure about their chance for recovery. No one wished for cancer, but many wished for the way cancer caused them to change their life.

I don’t wish for separation from my wife. I don’t want to go back to the hurt and pain that I caused my family, my church and my friends. But I know the days, weeks and months that followed our separation were some of my sweetest moments with God. That season of my life was shaped by God in profound ways. I don’t want to relive the past, but I do want to remember it.

I want to remember two things every single day:

Remember my need for brokenness…

In book of Psalms, David (who wrote about his past all the time) writes “A broken and contrite heart, you will not deny.” I want a broken and contrite heart. That comes to me as I remember what it felt like to be separated. It comes as I remember the look on my kids face when I told them I wasn’t coming home; I wasn’t going to be a pastor anymore; I didn’t know if Trisha and I would stay married. Brokenness isn’t something you drift in to…it is something you have to choose. Being contrite isn’t something that is natural…it is something you submit to. I want to remember the past so I can live in with a broken and contrite heart in the present.

Remember my mistakes and not make them again…

If I don’t remember the mistakes that I made, I will make them again. If I don’t remember the consequences of my mistakes, I will make them again. If I don’t remember what my mistakes cost me…I will repeat them. It’s why I stayed in debt for so many  years…I didn’t remember the consequences of debt. So as I talk about my mistakes it isn’t to live in shame or guilt…it is to live in forgiveness and thanksgiving. As I remember my mistakes, it makes me even more grateful for grace and mercy and second chances.

Can I encourage you today? Don’t live in the past…but don’t forget it either.

What are your thoughts?

Author Lewis Smedes says this in his book The Art of Forgiveness:

When a person asks us to forgive him, he is also asking permission to forgive himself. What he wants is more than freedom from our judgment. He wants freedom from his own. In one sense, we are the only ones on earth who can set him free to free himself.

For about a year after the affair, I lived in shame and guilt and remorse. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about all the damage I caused; all the hurt I inflicted; all the relationships I damaged. I knew in my head that Trisha forgave me, but my heart couldn’t accept it.

Our marriage in many ways was in recovery mode and we were growing in our love for one another. But the daily pain of my decisions ate away at my heart. It affected my view of myself. It affected my relationship with my kids. It affected my relationship with God.

I felt undeserving. I felt unworthy. I felt like I should be unloved.

I can remember standing in the kitchen and breaking down in tears. Trisha said to me, “Grace is only grace if you accept it. I’ve worked so hard to extend it to you, and you aren’t accepting it. I forgive you. I think it is time you forgive yourself.”

Those words were like water to my parched soul. I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself.

If I forgive myself, doesn’t that mean I’m getting away with something?

If I forgive myself, doesn’t that make it seem like I’m not paying for what I’ve done?

If I forgive myself, who will remind me of how much of a screw up I am?

I think shame and regret can be just as much of an enemy to a relationship as resentment and  unforgiveness. If one person in a relationship has forgiven, but the other consistently lives as a second class citizen, not feeling worthy to be a part of the other’s life, there is no room for grace to take root.

Maybe the best thing you can do for someone who’s hurt you is to give them permission to forgive themselves. Maybe that is a spouse that walks in shame. Maybe it’s a friend that doesn’t feel worthy. Maybe it’s a family member that can’t get over how much they’ve hurt you.

The relationship feels different. The intimacy you desire doesn’t feel attainable. You are the only person that can set them free to forgive themselves.

If you are the person that messed up, and you consistently live in shame and guilt and you’ve been offered forgiveness…receive it.

Shame isn’t attractive. Guilt isn’t a basis to build intimacy. To quote my beautiful wife, “You’ve been forgiven. I think it’s about time to forgive yourself.”

Do you struggle to forgive yourself?

We are coming up on the five-year anniversary of my affair. Five years since we lost so much. Five years that we have been gone from the church we started and love. Five years of hard work. Five years of reshaping dreams. Five years of mercy and second chances.

In many ways it has been a long five years. In so many others, it has been the best five years of our lives and marriage. October 9 is a day that we used to dread. By God’s grace and redemption we will celebrate that date again this year.

I can remember sitting in a counseling session one afternoon. The pain of my choices, the guilt in my heart and the hurt I had inflicted on Trisha and our kids was so overwhelming, I didn’t know if I would ever recover. My counselor looked at me and said, “If you are willing, and if you will surrender, five years from now, you will be better for this.” There wasn’t one ounce of me that believed him.

So what is the supernatural formula? What is the magic pill? How can you get through what it is that you are going through and be better for it five years from now?

For someone reading this today, you just found out about your spouses affair. Someone else…you are buried under a pile of debt so large even bankruptcy seems insufficient.

Maybe your marriage has crumbled so much that you’ve lost all hope.

For someone reading this today, your addiction to pornography drives your choices, your marriage and your relationship with God. You are a slave.

Maybe you’ve made some horrible relationship choices and you feel guilty and alone and unworthy.

What if I told you that if you are willing; if you will surrender, five years from now, you will be better for this! Would you believe me?

How can you get there?

One. Day. At. A. Time.

There is no magic formula or fast track to healing and wholeness. It is a daily process that if you choose, will mold you and shape you into the man or woman God created you to be.

Each day that you feel overwhelming sadness and you take it to Jesus, he meets you there. Every day you wake up consumed with guilt, remember and live in the truth that you are offered grace.

Every day that you feel in bondage to your debt, Christ offers you freedom. Every day that you feel hopeless in your marriage, God offers to change you into more of the spouse he has in mind. Every day you feel like a slave to your addiction, you can choose courageous confession and transparency that will loosen its stranglehold around your heart. Every time your heart aches from a broken relationship, Christ offers to redeem that heartache and recreate your heart.

Will it be easy? No. At times, it will hurt like hell. Will you have to make tough choices and sacrifice? Everyday.

Will it be worth it? More than you can imagine.

If you are discouraged today…don’t give up. If you are ready to check out of your marriage, don’t stop fighting. If you are overwhelmed with guilt and shame, don’t discount grace. If you are ready to resign to your addiction, don’t underestimate the freedom God can bring.

Every minute, every hour, every day the choices you make matter. What you are going through now can be restored and redeemed to bring you wholeness and God glory.

One. Day. At. A. Time

Is there an area of your life that you need to live one day at a time?

If you are reading this post then you most likely have struggled with forgiveness. Most of us have a story of being mistreated, betrayed, abused and the list could go on and on. Being a Christian and not forgiving the person(s) that hurt you seems to make no sense all. But lets be honest, even when we think we should forgive we have no idea what that means in the context of OUR own story. Forgiveness can be so frustrating!

Going back to Matthew 18:23-33 and the parable of the Unmerciful Servant, Jesus paints a picture of a servant that owed a great debt to his master. The master chooses to forgive the servant’s large debt completely! The servant then returns home only to demand that one of his servants pay him back in full the small amount he was owed.

The servant was “wicked” because although he was forgiven for his HUGE debt he wouldn’t forgive his servant’s small debt. See this story makes sense right?

But then we realize…oh wait… God are you telling me that I am the unmerciful servant because I won’t forgive…

• My spouse that cheated on me?
• The man who raped me?
• The mother-in-law who constantly puts me down in front of my kids?
• The drunk driver that took the life of my teenage daughter?
• My dad that left me?
• My business partner that cheated my family out of everything we own?
• The church that said they had my back until I screwed-up or was no longer needed?

Seriously, God you are trying to tell me THAT I represent the unmerciful servant?

A couple of months after Justin moved home I felt like God was calling me to write a letter to the “other woman.” I needed to tell her I forgave her. I wanted her to know God had given me eyes to see that the affair was a manifestation of a deeper brokenness within both of them. I told her I loved her and her family and would miss them no longer being a part of my life. The freedom I felt after sending the letter was amazing. I felt like I had closed that chapter of my life (even though I sobbed for days before sending it). Now it was time to move on… so I thought.

Months went by and then years and I never received a response. Over time I felt myself spiraling into that deep place of pain… AGAIN. Slowly the feelings of anger and bitterness started to creep in. I poured my heart out, forgave her, extended grace and she doesn’t even respond?

I think I had offered forgiveness the best way I knew how. What I later realized was that my understanding of forgiveness was really not forgiveness at all.

I thought I was the “Master” forgiving her of her great debt. She was the unmerciful servant never responding to me! But by God’s grace I came to realize what each of you probably don’t want to hear. I realized that I, too, am the unmerciful servant when I choose not to forgive freely!

Jesus died for MY SINS when he did nothing wrong. He was spit at, cursed at, beaten, abused, and hung on a cross to die a slow death so that I could have eternal life. Jesus taught me through his death that forgiveness is not ONLY about giving it freely but that he UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN!

Whatever your story, whatever your hurt He knows and understands. Forgiveness is a gift from the Father that gives freedom and life.

Forgiveness is painful. It may at first feel like you are being crucified when trying to forgive. Forgiveness may never make sense and reconciliation may never happen. With or without forgiveness you will feel pain. But what I have learned is that each time I choose to forgive I am set free and healing takes place.

Forgiveness is what has allowed this blog to come into fruition. Forgiveness has allowed me to love Justin in ways I never thought possible. Forgiveness is knowing that if I ever see the “other woman” I would run to her, hug her and tell her I miss her.

Forgiveness leads to freedom.

Have you struggled with understanding what it means to forgive?

On this day, 15 years ago, Trisha said “I Do.” Those of you that are a part of our community know that we almost didn’t make it to year number 11…so to be at year 15 is pure grace.

The picture above is from our honeymoon. I know I look drunk, but I wasn’t. What I see in that picture is promise, potential, dreams, expectation. It is amazing how life, and busyness and work and kids and ministry can cause those things to fade over time.

The thing I’m most thankful for on our 15th wedding anniversary is when I look at the picture below, I see promise, potential, dreams and giddy expectation. God is a God of restoration.

If you are in a place where hope is fading in your marriage; the road seems long; the promise of what could be has been wrecked by the reality of what is…don’t give up. Hang in there. If God can bring Trisha and I to year 15, he can do anything.

Happy Anniversary to the most loving, grace-filled, sexiest woman alive. I can’t wait to experience the next 15 years of grace with you.

Three days after the affair came out, Trisha’s brother came to stay with her. Trish and I were already separated, and weren’t talking to each other. Our marriage was on life-support. I had no way of knowing that her brother was in town…until he showed up at the house in which I was staying.

When my brother-in-law came in the house, I started to apologize. I wanted him to know how sorry I was. I wanted him to know how I wished I could take it back. I wanted him to know how regretful I was that I had betrayed Trisha…betrayed him. He didn’t say a word; he just came and gave me a hug. He wrapped his arms around my neck and cried with me. After a few minutes, he just said “I love you”.

Radical grace. What I realized in that moment is that my betrayed brother-in-law had demonstrated a more Christ-like love and grace to me than I had ever extended to him. He is gay. I was a pastor. We had a relationship, but it wasn’t based on grace.

When you’re desperate for grace and you’ve messed your life up beyond your ability to fix it, the “Christian” rules you’ve lived by no longer make sense. I loved my brother-in-law, but in my heart I judged him. I cared deeply for my brother in law, but in my mind I knew I was better than him. I spent a lot of time with my brother-in-law, but in my economy, God was getting a better deal with me.

When you think you don’t need radical grace, it is so much easier to withhold it from others. It is easy to judge the drunk on the corner, the single mom on your kid’s field trip, the abusive husband, the lady on food stamps buying cigarettes at the grocery store, the porn addict. It is easy to think that we are so much better, so much more deserving, so much more entitled to God’s love.

What I realized and continue to realize is I am those people. I am the drunk, the porn addict, the prostitute, the abusive husband, the crack addict, and the lady who’s had an abortion. I am them…maybe not with my lifestyle, but definitely in my heart…and I need grace.

Do I agree with my brother-in-laws lifestyle? No. That is the scandalous and audacious thing about grace: it is unmerited favor. It is unconditional love. It is unending and undeserved mercy. It has nothing to do with agreeing with a lifestyle or dispensing what someone deserves, or proving my point or being right. Grace flies in the face of all of that.

What kind of grace does it take to hug your sister’s husband three days after he’s admitted to an affair? What kind of grace does it take to say I love you to someone who’s betrayed you so deeply? Radical grace. My brother-in-law gave me something that day that I didn’t deserve and could never repay…and he extended more to me than I had ever been willing to extend to him. Radical grace…and I am forever grateful.

So I have two questions that I think will reach all of us:

Do you have trouble realizing your need for radical grace?

Do you have trouble extending radical grace to others?