Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair.

Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices.

This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. There is no doubt that trust had to be re-earned…but at some point for our relationship to move forward, trust had to overtake fear.

Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Fear robs. Fear steals. Fear destroys. Fear causes us to control; to manipulate; to be suspecious.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse fails me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

Maybe you’re trying to accomplish through fear what can only be accomplished through trust.

Maybe the distance between the marriage you have and the marriage you truly desire is found in the difference in you being fearful or you trusting.

Almost every day we get emails from people who are experiencing the pain, loss and devastation of an affair. They are wounded and hurt and don’t know what to do or where to turn. They want their life back; their marriage back; their spouse back. Often as we read through the emails and then begin to correspond with the man or woman that sent it there is a belief that at some point in the future, their spouse will make up for all the pain they caused. When their spouse makes it up to them, then they can move on; then they can forgive; then they an rebuild. This expectation will always leave a void in a persons’ heart. Because if your spouse has a sexual addiction; if your spouse has had an emotional affair; if your spouse has had a physical affair, there is nothing they can ever do to make that up to you. When making up for it is the expectation:

• You will become a suspicious person
• You will become a resentful person
• You will become an insecure person
• You will manipulate and guilt trip to get your way
• You will live out of fear and worry

The bar can never be set high enough for you to find the redemption you are looking for. When you are waiting for your spouse to make it up to you, they will always fail and you will be left searching for one more thing that will make the pain feel better. The redemption you are looking for can only be found in Jesus. You trying to find your own redemption through your spouse’s performance will never give you the marriage you desire.

For as many emails we get from spouses that are devastated, we get just as many from spouses that are broken and desperate. They are the ones that cheated; they are the ones that have a sexual addiction; they are the ones that broke their marriage covenant. They want help; they want their marriage back; they will do anything to make this up to their spouse. If they could just prove to their spouse how sorry they are, then that would make up for all the hurt they have caused. There is only one problem: You can never make up for it. You will never be able to say enough or do enough to make up for it. It isn’t possible. When a spouse starts to live with the mission of making up for it:

• You work really hard to not make your spouse mad
• You walk on egg shells cause you know you were the one that messed up
• You don’t give your opinion or feedback because you don’t feel like you have that right
• You constantly feel guilt and shame for all the mistakes you have made.

Living in a performance based marriage will never build intimacy.

Here is the truth…you can’t make up for it. You can’t redeem yourself. The redemption you desire can only be found in Jesus. When you spend all of your time trying to perform and make up for your mistakes, you rob God of the work that He needs to do in your heart.

The answer is grace. It is grace that provides redemption. For the spouse that is hurting, it is offering forgiveness. It doesn’t mean trusting, but it does mean forgiving. The power that forgiveness has to bring redemption is greater than anything you can demand.

For the one that has done the hurting, it is receiving grace and living out of the forgiveness that Christ offers. It is only in that forgiveness that you can find the freedom you desperately need.

This video is a reminder to us that God specializes in new beginnings. If you are hoping for a new start in 2012, this video could be for you. It may feel like it’s over, but it’s not over.

There are very few words that transcend circumstances. There are very few words that go beyond social, economic and marital status. There are very few words that hit all of us in the same way, at the same time and with the same potential for impact and change. But these 4 words do:

“I am with you.”

God is with us. Not distant. Not removed, but close. Not uncaring, but empathetic. Not far off, but living inside us. He is with us.

To the single mom working 2 jobs and still coming up short every month: I AM with you.

To the one filled with anxiety and worry in this moment right now: I AM with you.

To the unemployed: I AM with you.

To the one that hates the way their body looks and how they feel when they look in the mirror: I AM with you.

To the person that has no idea what their purpose or passion in life is: I AM with you.

To failure and the mess up that can’t see how they could ever recover from their mistake: I AM with you.

To the person that finds their value and identity in their career success: I AM with you.

To the insecure and unsure walking through life desperate for acceptance: I AM with you.

To the fake and the phony that has everyone believing that their life is more together than it really is: I AM with you.

To the depressed and the downhearted; the person that feels their is no light at the end of the tunnel: I AM with you.

To the single person that has a huge desire to get married and often feels loneliness and pain: I AM with you.

To the married person that wonders how their marriage drifted to such a lonely and painful place: I AM with you.

To the angry and resentful that have been rocked by hardship and hurt: I AM with you.

To the abused and the broken that have wondered why no one stepped in to stop the abuse: I AM with you.

To the isolated and lonely; the ones that feel left out and on the fringe: I AM with you.

To the ones that appear that they have everything, yet feel like all they have means nothing: I AM with you.

I AM with you. It is a game changer for all of us today.

If Monday sent me crashing into an iceberg then Tuesday took me on a WILD adventure. This adventure started with Zumba, involved my little iPhone and ended on the back of a little red pick-up truck. It was one of the craziest expeditions of my life!

Those who know me know I have a little bit of an obsession with Zumba. I love to dance and there’s nothing better than dancing to Latin music! So you can imagine the joy that came over me when I was greeted by a marching band playing salsa music. They even had the sweetest little girl’s salsa dancing with tambourines in hand. Shawna and I may have gotten in on the action and did a little bit of dancing ourselves (videos coming soon). Just five minuets into this wild expedition and my face already hurt from smiling.

Oh wait… then I remembered I was in one of the poorest projects Compassion has in Guatemala. We spent some time at the project where we listened to children singing and shared a hug with every child who wanted one.

IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!

But wait…. then I remembered I was in one of the poorest projects so my face should be down cast and concerned, yet instead I was overwhelmed with JOY!

My adventure took a drastic turn as I hopped in the back of a red pick-up truck to visit truly the poorest of the poor. I thought I had already experienced that, but apparently I was wrong and this truck would take me to see things I don’t have words to describe. As we turned in to the neighborhood these streets made the streets I was just dancing on seem like newly paved roads.  They were a mess.

I took out my little iPhone to capture the scene. Lost for words I just rested my head on the roof of the truck and thought “Here is where the sadness is going to hit me”. 

But as quick as this thought came the quicker it left as I entered a shack of a home. Inside the fragile walls and rain-dripping roof was a family that I believe changed me more than I changed them. My little iPhone became a mirror for these two sweet boys to see how beautiful God made them. Created in HIS image. We had so much fun as their mother showed us her killer piñata skills while the boys and I made silly faces on my phone.

Here’s what I know. I know you don’t want to read another sad story of the poor. I totally get it. I know you are over feeling guilty over not taking a packet.  I used to feel that way too. But today I was forever changed. This wild adventure allowed me to discover a treasure I didn’t even know I was looking for. I found that even though poverty often times goes beyond our comprehension and makes us feel deep sadness THE JOY OF THE LORD KNOWS NO LIMITATIONS. Today I discovered that the JOY of the Lord is the strength of the poor.

I am thankful for Compassion and those of you who sponsor for giving a gift of $38 a month to bring the fruit of the spirit of Joy!

My prayer for you is that you will allow God to take you on a wild adventure to discover JOY in an area of your life that you have resigned in your heart that only despair can reside! May the joy of the Lord be your strength!!!

PS… its really late as I write so please forgive me for any crazy grammatical errors you may will find.

The thing that I love about God is that He is in the details. Well, that is one of the things I love about Him. Last year, Trisha wrote a post about finally taking a packet, and the difference that has made in her life and in our family’s life.

I remember early on in our marriage, we took some students to a concert and she raised her hand to receive a packet to sponsor a child. We didn’t get into a fight at the concert, but as soon as we got home I was quick to shut her down and remind her that we didn’t have any extra money to sponsor a child. It was something she sincerely felt like God was leading her to do, and I wasn’t willing to go along. It was a wound in our relationship. This was bigger than Compassion; this was bigger than a monthly sponsorship; this was about control and it plagued our marriage.

When our friend Lindsey went on a trip with Compassion last year, Trisha again felt prompted to sponsor a child and took a packet. I am so glad that she did. To see how God has used this to redeem a broken part of her heart and a broken part of our marriage has been awesome. I got to Skype with her last night, and there is a glow about her as she tells me the stories of all that Compassion in doing in some of the most challenging parts of the world.

Our marriage isn’t perfect. I still struggle with control freak issues and Trisha still struggles with anger issues. We don’t always get it right. But what I have seen God do through this act of obedience has blown me away. The spiritual life of our marriage and our family has grown and a wound that went all the way back to high school for Trisha and the first year of our marriage for me has been healed.

Sponsoring a child won’t fix your marriage. Listening to the prompting of God and being obedient will make a huge difference though. When we do that individually and as a couple we live life with no regrets. That is what I saw in the eyes of my wife last night…someone that is allowing God to use $38 per month in ways that are priceless.

Maybe there is a part of your heart or marriage that God longs to redeem through your willingness to say “yes”.

As our crew headed to the Guatemala Compassion Field Offices the last thing I expected to find was an iceberg. Although the temperature was a mild sixty degrees over the next several hours I would experience chill bumps like never before. Lead by our interpreters who are smart, wise and kind beyond comprehension we arrived and began our tour of the offices.

It was here… Day #1 that my ship of what I thought I knew about Compassion crashed head on into a HUGE ICEBERG.

If you’re like me when you hear people talk about Compassion or sponsoring a child we immediately think of that “packet”. You know the packet we fear our eyes might connect with eyes of the child in need of sponsorship if you look at them. But today I realized that the packet is truly the tip of the iceberg. Its what everyone sees not realizing that underneath that tip lies this massive structure that helps keep those children in plain view for all to see.

Today I met staff members that beamed as they talked about what their role is for Compassion. Fifteen years ago they were a staff of ten. Today they are an AMAZING staff of sixty! Every dime that is given and every child in need of sponsorship is held up by this massive structure of indigenous people that are committed with a contagious compassion to see object poverty eliminated from THEIR country.

This is Ruth.

Ruth is not only special because she oversees financials for child sponsorships she too was sponsored by Compassion at the precious age of 7! I asked her what she wanted me to tell you about what it means to be sponsored. Her response about brought me to my knees.

Ruth: “Let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith.” – Galatians 6:9-10

With tears in my eyes I continued to move through the office where I met two male students from the Leadership development program in which one had just graduated and the other is in his third year. I asked them the same question I had asked Ruth except this time in regards to LD program. They both looked at each other with child like smiles and then at me. One spoke and as our interpreter choked back tears she said:

“His response is simply this: “YOU HOLD MY FUTURE AND DREAMS IN YOUR HANDS”

My last trip of the day was to a church that has recently partnered with Compassion. Although the church is in a “wealthy” gated community they have been reaching out to the poorest of the poor living right next door. Emmy’s family is one of those in which seventeen children live.

The pastor of this church has been abused and beaten-up by the very people that live within the walls of his gated community. They don’t like that he’s reaching out to their neighbors. Although his commitment is strong and his passion unwavering, his work is hard! Compassion has become a massive structure of support and encouragement that helps keep that tip of his ministry in plain view for all to see.

The packet is just the tip of the iceberg but it is the passion and commitment of the indigenous compassion of Guatemala staff along with your sponsorship that can and IS changing the world one precious life at a time!

Will you consider partnering with us?

I don’t watch The X Factor, but someone sent me a link to this video. It is worth your time.

God can overcome your past
God can leverage your hurt
God can use your pain
God is bigger than your circumstances
God is working in your disappointment
God is with you in the darkness
God is preparing you in your uncertainty
God can overcome your adversity
God is ordaining your steps even when others seek to hurt you

There is no doubt in my mind that God is definitely with Emmanuel. There is no doubt in my mind that God is with you…today.

Every week for the past month, there has been one thing that’s caused more stress and created more panic than anything else: The Packet. Our 8 year old son, Isaiah has a packet of homework that he brings home every single day. There is a page of spelling. There is a page of math. There is a page of reading comprehension. There is a page of sentence exercises. Not that big of a deal. The Packet creates crisis.

Every day Isaiah comes home and he wants to shoot hoops in the driveway or play Playstation or watch TV. There is always one question, “Do you have homework.” The answer to that question every single day is, “Yes.” He has The Packet. But here’s the deal, the packet isn’t due until Monday. So every single day, Isaiah thinks to himself, “I can do my packet tomorrow.” That philosophy works…until Sunday night. Sunday night comes and there is panic and there are tears and that is just from Trisha and me. Every week there is a crisis over a packet that has to be done all in one night, when it could have been done a little at a time.

The truth is that the same thing plays out in our marriages. So often we wait until there is a crisis before we take the necessary steps to heal our marriage. That is one of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage. We waited until there was an affair to pursue the marriage we both longed to have. Most marriages fall into this trap. It isn’t until someone’s bags are packed or someone has been kicked out or someone says they are done before we are willing to change. By that time, the issues seem so big, it is a mountain that appears insurmountable. It feels hopeless.

What if the marriage that you deeply desire wasn’t a huge mountain to climb, but simply a series of small decisions made over time?

• What if you you took time to intentionally listen to her tonight?
• What if you genuinely complimented him for how hard he works?
• What if you chose (not because you were guilted into it) to not work late this week and you made it home for dinner each night?
• What if you determined to tell the truth about little things so that your spouse knew you were telling the truth in the big things?
• What if you got a babysitter and went out on a date a couple of times this month?
• What if you told her how beautiful she is. (Without trying to get her to have sex with you)
• What if you reminded him how attracted you are to him? (And then initiated sex)
• What if you shared what you love about each other rather than spewing what you can’t stand?
• What if you made her breakfast?
• What if you got him a gift card to Best Buy?

We don’t have to wait for a crisis before we pursue the marriage we desire. The goal of RefineUs isn’t crisis management…it is crisis prevention. We want to help you see the condition of your heart so you can avoid a crisis in your marriage.

How does a good marriage go bad? A little at a time.

How does a bad marriage go good? A little at a time.

There is something reassuring about someone that’s been where you are. I remember being at my lowest low and hearing a friend say, “I know exactly how you feel.” Those words were like life to me. I felt God prompting me to say to someone today, “I know where you are, and I know how you feel.”

Sometimes where you are feels lonely. Like you are the only one that has ever been there before:

-You are the only one that’s lied to his wife.

-You are the only one that’s let his kids down.

-You are the only one that’s disappointed those he loves.

-You are the only one that’s gotten fired from their job.

-You are the only one that has hidden sin.

-You are the only one that feels beyond the reach of grace.

Sometimes where you are feels so uncertain:

-You are uncertain how you are going to pay the bills.

-You are uncertain if she will ever forgive you.

-You are uncertain how Christmas will feel like Christmas given the state of your marriage.

-You are uncertain if you will ever be able to trust again.

-You are uncertain if you can put the pieces back together.

-You are uncertain if you’ll ever be able to feel close to God like you once did.

Sometimes where you are feels hopeless:

-You’ve lost hope in your marriage.

-You’ve lost hope in your relationship with God.

-You’ve lost hope in the word of a good friend.

-You’ve lost hope in your ability to pretend to have it all together.

-You’ve lost hope in all the Sunday School answers.

-You’ve lost hope in hope.

If this is you, I know where you are. I’ve been where you are. Where you are right now is just a few inches from redemption. Where you are right now is dark, but you’re just a few hours from the light. Where you are it feels like it’s over, but keep fighting, keep hoping, keep believing, because it’s not over.

Take heart today. You are not alone. Be certain that in your uncertainty, God is not overwhelmed or surprised or dismayed. Even when you feel hopeless, He is the author of hope.

I’ll be honest, I don’t have a quick fix or a magic formula to give you today. There is no “3 Steps to a Better Life” in this post. I just want you to know…

I’ve been there. I’m praying for you. I know where you are, and so does God.