In 1998 Trisha and I moved from Saint Charles, Illinois to Kokomo, Indiana. This move, in my mind would be the move that made everything better. Our son Micah was two years old, Trisha was pregnant with Elijah, and our marriage of three years wasn’t going how either of us envisioned it would go. This move was going to be special because we were going to be moving from a $800 per month, 800 sq. ft apartment to a $525 per month, 1200 sq. ft house that we were buying! We were buying our first house.

In my mind, this would solve everything. Our house had a yard, it had neighbors, it had privacy, it had sidewalks, it had space. We were going to own it. I was convinced that this house would fix Trish. This house would solve our problems; this would would reduce the frequency of our arguments. This house would cover all of the things we disagreed about.

I soon came to realize that our first house didn’t fix it.

The truth is that we can never expect an external thing to fix internal problems. That just won’t happen.

So often when people are having marriage problems, they have this belief that if we just had this or if we just accomplished that or if we just got this or just moved there, then the problems in our relationship will go away or be solved. Our marriage will be better when:

• I get that promotion
• We get out of debt
• We move to a bigger house
• I finish my degree
• We make more money
• We move closer to “home”
• We have a baby

Babies are great. But a baby won’t fix it. A baby won’t fix the distance you feel. A baby won’t restore trust when trust has been broken. A baby won’t help you be more honest with each other. A baby won’t bring you closer spiritually. A baby won’t help you forgive. A baby won’t cause him to pursue you more. A baby won’t fix it.

We can’t count on something external, whatever that something is, to fix an internal problem.

There are two things that will fix what is wrong with your marriage.

• Pursuing God
• Pursuing your spouse

When you do those two things, you allow what is broken in your heart, in your relationship, in your soul to begin to find healing. You begin to move closer to God and closer to your spouse and in that process you begin to address the issues that you have rather than counting on a new house or a job promotion to cover those issues up.

A baby won’t fix it. But your pursuit of God and your spouse can.

On Tuesday, Justin wrote about the art of pursuing your wife so today I thought I’d tackle the art of pursuing your husband. So often after we get married we lose our tenacity to pursue one another like we did when we were dating. What once was a blissful opportunity to show how much we love our husbands some how becomes an obligation after we are married.

Wives… think about your “To DO List” today. If you’re anything like me “pursing your husband” probably didn’t make the top 5 on your list. I’m already cleaning the house, taking care of the kids and doing the things HE asked of me so why on earth would have to pursue him more? This was my mind set for the first ten years of our marriage. I used being a busy mom of three young boys and my responsibilities at church as an excuse not to take the time to pursue Justin.

Pursuing Justin didn’t carry urgency and most times I would give him my leftovers. It took us being separated for me to recognize that pursuing Justin is foundational to grow in our relationship. If the definition of pursuit is the “act of chasing after something” then the opposite would be drifting. You don’t drift into a healthy marriage.

Drifting means to “wander from a set course” and drifting is what comes naturally. Often times we beat ourselves up over the fact that pursuing our husband doesn’t come naturally and in our defeat choose to do nothing. Pursuing is an act. It’s a choice you make everyday to show your husband that he is worth chasing after.

Here are three ways I pursue Justin…

1. Making myself AVAILABLE for physical intimacy. Husbands are applauding and wives are rolling their eyes. Its ok… I can take it . In all seriousness Justin and I have accepted the reality that his sexual drive is greater than mine. He’s not disappointed in me and I’m not frustrated with him.  Because it’s not first on my list I have to be intentional about pursuing him in a way that makes him feel valued and not an obligation.

2. Physical Intimacy    Just kidding…. But it’s true

2. Daily words of affirmation. If I’m not careful, in a house full of boys it’s easy for me to slip into a pattern of noticing how they don’t do things LIKE ME rather than appreciate that they got the job done. So I have to daily pursue seeing the good and express it with my words. Sometimes just saying “thank you” is all the words he needs but “your hot” will work too

3. Praying for him. When I take the time to pray specifically for Justin often times God will prompt me to do something for him I would never have thought of on my own. Some of my most cherished memories with Justin have come through promptings from God.

Help us out…how do you pursue your husband?

I (Justin) want to disclaim this post by saying that I am not a counselor or a therapist by training. I don’t have credentials behind my name, so this post may be contrary to what they teach in text books. I also want to say that the heart of this post is not to give people permission to leave their marriage…it is actually the exact opposite. With that out of the way…..

Trisha and I have met with several couples over the past few months. In person; online; via email; at conferences and one phrase keeps being said that sounds good and noble and right, but I think is eventually detrimental to any marriage. The phrase is “I just want you to know, I am committed to my marriage.” When we first started coaching couples, I thought that was enough. If someone was committed to their marriage, that would be enough to sustain them. It would be enough to carry them. It would be enough to get them back on the right path.

What I have realized is that being “committed to your marriage” is the married form of being religious. It is all about rules and not about relationship. As Christians we think that being religious will lead us into an intimate relationship with Jesus. But it never does. In the same way, as married people we think that being committed to our marriage will lead us into a growing, intimate relationship with our spouse, but it never will.

Being committed to marriage sounds good. It helps our kids. It gives us resolve. It makes us feel better when we are miserable. It helps us stay in the marriage when we can’t stand to be in the same room with our spouse. It keeps us from filing for divorce when our ears hurt from just the sound of our spouse’s voice. It feels honorable. But here is my question…is that what you want? Is all you want for your marriage to just be able to stay; to cope; to survive; to not divorce? Was that your dream when you said, “I do.”? Being committed to your marriage will keep you married, but it won’t change your marriage.

If you want your marriage to change you have to be committed to your spouse. If you want your marriage to change you can’t just be committed to an institution, you have to recommit to a person. When you are committed to a person you are choosing them, not just choosing to stay. You are choosing to love, not just tolerate. You are choosing to forgive, not just sweep things under the rug. You are choosing more than just obedience, you are choosing them.

Being committed to your marriage will allow you to stay, but it won’t compel you to change. If you want a different marriage, you have to choose differently. You have to choose to be committed to your spouse. You will have to choose it tomorrow too…and the next day.

What are your thoughts on being committed to your marriage?

There are so many things that your marriage can survive. You marriage can survive miscommunication. Your marriage can survive busy schedules. Your marriage can overcome conflict with your in-laws. Your marriage can get through sexual brokenness and unforgiveness. But, there are two words that will eventually bring an end to your marriage…if not legally then definitely emotionally.

The two words are…

…IF ONLY…

If only my wife had sex with me more often
If only my husband looked at me like my boss does
If only we had kids
If only we made more money
If only we lived in a bigger house
If only we would have dated longer
If only she took care of herself like the lady at the gym
If only my high school boyfriend and I would have stayed together
If only we hadn’t had kids so young
If only she understood me
If only he listened to me
If only I knew we were soul mates
If only she cooked more or better
If only he could do things around the house

If only causes you to focus on what isn’t rather than on what is. If only allows your mind to fantasize about someone that isn’t your spouse. If only believes the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If only paralyzes us in the pursuit of our spouse and convinces us that a perfect marriage is competently up to the other person. If only will slowly destroy intimacy and leave you in a place of resentment. If only will trick you into believing that the best days of your marriage are behind you and and not ahead of you.

The best thing you can do for your marriage today is remove “if only” from your mind and heart.

You can’t change the past, but you can prevent the past from destroying your future.

Do you struggle with the thought of “if only”?

I remember sitting in a Starbucks parking lot in October 2005, killing time before my first counseling session with Trisha since our separation. We had only seen each other once since I confessed the affair. I was nervous. I was hopeful. I didn’t want to mess this up along with everything else I had messed up. As I sat there my phone rang. God had promoted a long time friend of mine to call me at the exact moment I needed to talk to him. He and his wife had been through the same thing and appeared to be on the other side of it. At one point in our conversation he said, “The only advice I have for you is tell the entire truth today…at this counseling session. Do not let it come out a little at a time. I spread the truth out over 20 years and it has slowly killed my marriage. The most important gift you can give Trisha is to tell her the entire truth.”

As he spoke I nodded my head. As he said the words, I knew in my heart that God had made this conversation happen to protect me from making the same mistake my friend had made. An hour later, as I sat next to my wife in counseling, I shared the amount of truth in that moment that I thought she could handle. It would take me 30 days and numerous counseling sessions to finally be honest. We almost didn’t recover.

One of the biggest mistakes we see couples make, not just couples that have experienced infidelity, but all couples is a reluctance to share the entire truth. Somehow we convince ourselves that sharing part of the truth is better for our wife. Not being completely honest will protect our husband. So we give part of the detail. We tell our spouse as much of the truth as we think they can handle. We are saving ourselves from a fight. We are helping them not lose their temper. We are protecting their self-esteem. What we are doing is killing our relationship a little at a time.

Drowning isn’t an instant death. It happens one ounce of water at a time. When we fail to tell the entire truth to our spouse, we put a lid on the capacity that our marriage has to experience intimacy. Over time that lid gets so low, that the distance between us and the one we are supposed to be “one” with is so great that it seems insurmountable.

Truth all at one time can be devastating. Truth all at once will really hurt. Truth all at once brings all the pain to the surface and allows the healing to begin. Withholding truth just continues to re-injure that relationship over and over and over again.

If I can plead with you to do one thing it is this: Tell the stinking truth. It will not be easy. It will be worth it.

Yesterday, we talked about a part of our heart that dies when we compare ourselves with others. We often don’t see ourselves how God sees us, we see ourselves in light of our weaknesses and others strengths.

I want to talk about a deeper part of our heart and mind that we probably don’t allow others to know about too often. This type of comparison is subtle and it is often illusive and justified. If the death of our heart begins as we compare ourselves to others, the death of our marriage begins when we compare our spouse with someone else.

This isn’t a conversation we have out loud all too often, but these thoughts can flood our heart and mind. The conversation goes something like this:

• I wish my husband was as romantic as her husband
• I wish my wife complimented me like she compliments her husband
• I wish my husband spent as much time with our kids as her husband does
• I wish my wife worked out and took care of herself like his wife does
• I wish my husband was as good of a listener as her husband
• I wish my wife could cook like she cooks
• I wish my husband was handy and could fix things like he can

This is the first stage of comparison. But if left alone and unidentified, these feelings can quickly move to the next stage.

• I wish my wife respected me like my secretary does
• I wish my husband complimented me like my co-worker does
• I wish my wife was as in shape as the lady in my spin class
• I wish my husband was as good of a listener as my boss

The moment we start comparing what our spouse isn’t to what someone else is, we open the door for disconnection and fractured intimacy. Even if our comparison isn’t followed by romantic feelings, there is an aspect of our heart that is withheld from our spouse.

The reality is when we wish our spouse was more like anyone other than Christ, we place an expectation on them to be something that they were never designed to be.

One of the practical things that Trish and I have done over the past five years is to tell each other what we love about the other. Rather than to compare what we aren’t we compliment what we are. It has drastically changed our relationship. Instead of resenting what we don’t bring to our relationship we celebrate all that we do bring to our relationship.

Maybe you find yourself in that place today.

If your wife could just be more like ____________________.

If your husband could just be more like ________________________.

Living in that thought will erode your marriage and allow resentment to rule your heart. Comparing will never bring life. You will live envious of someone else’s spouse and prideful of all that you are and all that your spouse isn’t.

Maybe the best thing you could do for your marriage today is to tell your spouse all that you love about them rather than all that disappoints you about them.

Everywhere you look in Nashville Tennessee it’s apparent that spring is in the air. Amongst the hills are beautiful colors of purple, white and pink blanketing the trees. It’s this time of the year where I’m reminded of how creative God is and my love for His creation.

Our family moved to the house we are currently in the first week of September. Fall had settled in and winter was quickly approaching. The front of our house had a landscape filled with dead bushes and trees. It was begging for me to give it some tender loving care but the weather and our finances wouldn’t allow it.

It is now eight months later and as I eagerly wait to annoy my family with “Look how beautiful that tree is” spring has finally come. With a budget in place and the warm sun on my face I went to work on my blank canvas. I was like a kid in a candy store. As the hours passed my family would come out from time to time smiling and lending encouraging words like “great job” or “that’s pretty.”

By the time I finished I had planted 20 plants. My landscape was complete… well kinda. I had spent my budget all on plants and ran out of money for mulch! Justin came out to see my masterpiece and he could tell it was hard for me to enjoy the picture knowing that something was missing. So I gently asked, “when can I get mulch” He said “next paycheck.” The sigh that came from my mouth was like a kid who had just struck out for the third time. It makes me giggle thinking about what a five-year-old I was that day.

I spent this past weekend in Little Rock Arkansas with my fourteen-year-old’s AAU basketball team. Away from home, my calendar, my yard and other projects that needed my attention lost in the world of basketball. I even forgot that my birthday was just around the corner.

So after four games and twelve hours in the car we finally arrived home. As I stepped out of the van I noticed that our big beautiful oak tree looked so pretty. Then I noticed that not only my trees looked pretty but my landscaping did too! Justin had surprised me with mulch!

What is so cool is that not only did he surprise me with mulch but with drywall! When we first moved in we were able to hang the TV but didn’t have an outlet that would let us hide its wires. Family and friends would jokingly take shots at our hanging wirers and I’m not going to lie- it looked goofy. But like all things, goofy became normal and we quickly forgot they were there.

But thanks to our dear friend Blake Bergstrom (who only assisted) Justin in the handling of cutting out drywall and putting in a brand new electrical outlet My living room looks awesome and now I “have” to paint, which I love to do!

But even sweeter than the beauty of my landscaping and the now normal looking wall is that Justin knows my heart. He doesn’t care what or if there are any bushes in our yard. He doesn’t care that a hundred wires are hanging from our TV. But he does know how much these projects would mean to me. My love language is acts of services and not only did he speak my language he did it in an intimate way.

Intimacy is being fully known and Sunday I felt just that.

Is there a way, large or small that you could speak your spouse’s love language this week?

Why is it so easy to hide? Why is it so easy to only share part of the truth?

This past week, I had the opportunity to continue our 5 Things Series, you can see the 2 minute MashUp below or  if you are interested watch/listen to the entire message HERE.

In the message I talked about  3 people to whom we have to speak truth:

1. Tell the truth to yourself.

The greatest of all deception is self-deception.

Writer Mike Novak says: “Our capacity for self-deception has no known limits.” The prophet Obadiah in the Old Testament says it like this: “The pride of your heart has deceived you.”

For years, I deceived myself about my insecurities; about my pride; about my addictions and lust issues. I deceived myself to believe I was closer to God than I really was. When I believe the lies I tell myself, I am in a very dangerous place. We don’t have the capacity to speak to truth to anyone if we lie to ourselves.

2. Tell Your Spouse the Truth.

God has created us to know and to be known. I counsel with husband and wife all the time. I will say something like, “Have you told your wife that?” “Have you shared that with your husband?” Most of the time their response is “Are you crazy? I could never tell my husband that.” “My wife could never know that about me.” Withholding truth breaks intimacy. So my question to you today is…Is there something that you hope your spouse never knows about you? If the answer to that question is “yes” you have limited your capacity to experience intimacy in your marriage.

3. Tell God the Truth.

Neal Plantinga writes this: I go hours, days, weeks at a time never really thinking about Him; never really turning my heart and will over to Him; never seriously attend to Him; never bring Him sustained focus.  The thought that I am entangled more and more in the sin that brought Jesus to the cross, that thought becomes bearable and then routine. Eventually, I find God doesn’t seem very real. I find myself not praying all that much.  The less I pray, the less real God seems. I forget God. I forget sin.

How do we forget to tell God about the struggles we have? What we think is that by not being honest with God we are actually saving ourselves from pain and hurt. We are avoiding pain, in the short term.  But what we forfeit by not being honest with God is the healing of our heart.

Maybe you feel distance in your marriage but it has nothing to do with your marriage…it has to do with this healing that God longs to bring, when you are willing be honest with him and allow him into all parts of your heart.

Who do you have the hardest time telling the WHOLE truth to?

Looking back at that time when our marriage melted down in 2005, Trisha and I thought that the things that we struggled with, the problems that we had and the issues we faced, were unique to us. For the next year and a half, we spent a lot of time identifying our issues, talking about our problems and being honest and transparent about our struggles.

As you go through marriage, you will feel like the problems you have are unique to you.  You will feel like what you struggle with, no one else struggles with. The arguments you have, the feelings you feel, the fears you face will all feel like they are unique to you. Don’t make the mistake of isolating yourself because you believe no one could possibly understand; because the truth is, couples have dealt with the same issues before, and some have even come out stronger on the other side.

What you need to know is that you are not alone. The things you deal with, everyone deals with. The problems you have, everyone has, or they have and lie that they don’t……..

We are helping our friends at StartMarriageRight.com launch their new site today. You can continue to read this post HERE:

They are doing giveaway’s all week to celebrate the launch…make sure you check back each day for that day’s giveaway.

Yesterday, my friend Steve sent me a link to this article.

The opening sentence of the article says:

The “three-year glitch” has replaced the “seven-year itch” as the tipping point where couples start to take each other for granted, according to a new survey.

Three years…within three years couples take each other for granted. According to this article:

• Within three years you will stop noticing your wife’s smile.
• Within three years you will take your husband’s sense of humor for granted.
• Within three years you will forget how much you loved your husband’s spontaneity.
• Within three years your wife’s organizational skills will not longer be attractive…they will irritate you.
• Within 36 months you will not think of your husband as a successful business man, you will resent how much time he spends at work.
• Within 36 months you will lose interest in your wife’s sense of style and begin questioning why she spends so much money on clothes.
• Within 3 years you will stop saying “thank you” and “I appreciate you” and you will start saying “why don’t you” and “I wish you would change…”
• Within 3 years you will not naturally look forward to sex with your spouse, you will have to schedule sex with your spouse.
• Within 3 years compliments will be replaced with complaints.

Within 3 years you will be wondering why you married the person you married…and they will be wondering the same.

God didn’t design you to survive your marriage. He designed you to thrive in your marriage. What if you refused to take your husband for granted? What if you chose to be thankful for your wife? What if you fought the temptation to be complacent? What if you were determined to change YOU before you asked your spouse to change? What if you rediscovered romance? What if you never experienced the 3 year glitch?

Is is possible? Yes.

Will you have to choose it? Absolutely.

How can you fight the 3 Year Glitch?