Yesterday, my friend Steve sent me a link to this article.

The opening sentence of the article says:

The “three-year glitch” has replaced the “seven-year itch” as the tipping point where couples start to take each other for granted, according to a new survey.

Three years…within three years couples take each other for granted. According to this article:

• Within three years you will stop noticing your wife’s smile.
• Within three years you will take your husband’s sense of humor for granted.
• Within three years you will forget how much you loved your husband’s spontaneity.
• Within three years your wife’s organizational skills will not longer be attractive…they will irritate you.
• Within 36 months you will not think of your husband as a successful business man, you will resent how much time he spends at work.
• Within 36 months you will lose interest in your wife’s sense of style and begin questioning why she spends so much money on clothes.
• Within 3 years you will stop saying “thank you” and “I appreciate you” and you will start saying “why don’t you” and “I wish you would change…”
• Within 3 years you will not naturally look forward to sex with your spouse, you will have to schedule sex with your spouse.
• Within 3 years compliments will be replaced with complaints.

Within 3 years you will be wondering why you married the person you married…and they will be wondering the same.

God didn’t design you to survive your marriage. He designed you to thrive in your marriage. What if you refused to take your husband for granted? What if you chose to be thankful for your wife? What if you fought the temptation to be complacent? What if you were determined to change YOU before you asked your spouse to change? What if you rediscovered romance? What if you never experienced the 3 year glitch?

Is is possible? Yes.

Will you have to choose it? Absolutely.

How can you fight the 3 Year Glitch?

Justin kicked off this mini-series the other day with his 5 Things. Today, I want to share with you 5 Things I wish I knew before we got married. We hope these things are helpful to you as you prepare for marriage or as you grow in your marriage.

1. Doing everything the “Right way” in MY marriage won’t fix all the brokenness of my past.

Justin and I got married young. For the most part we grew-up in homes that although were dysfunctional we were loved and our parents loved each other. My parents separated 2 years after I got married and soon after divorced. It rocked the foundation of everything I knew marriage to be. I was naive to the real struggles my parents were facing and had to come to terms with my own brokenness. This fueled a very unhealthy fire in me to do “everything right” in MY marriage so that NOTHING would go wrong.

2. Love is a choice not a feeling.

Have you ever looked at an elderly couple that still hold hands and look upon one another with complete endearment and wonder “how do I get that”? What I have learned is that love is not an emotion but rather a choice. Love is not about choosing each other but rather a daily choice to choose God. When I love Justin through my emotions and feelings alone I am left most of the time disappointed. But when I choose to love God and allow the Holy Spirit to prompt me in how to love Justin amazing intimacy takes place. The crazy kind of love that even in your old age makes you reach out for the hand of your spouse and with just a look communicate “I love you”.

3. Physical intimacy WILL BE CONFUSING!

Regardless if you knew a lot about sex going into your marriage or not its one of the most confusing parts of marriage. Sex is not just about attraction but a deep spiritual connection like nothing on the planet. It is as much as a physical need, as it is a spiritual need so why is it so hard to completely understand? Why is it that one seems to long for sex way more than the other? Why is that one seems to never long for it at all?

I wish I knew before Justin and I got married how a man’s body is designed. That sex is TRULY a physical need and not a selfish request. That sex is just as much about an emotional need as it is a physical need. But mostly I wish I understood the beauty and irreplaceable role sex plays in growing our marriage spiritually.

4. Doing it my way isn’t always the best way.

Justin and I were married for 4 months before I got pregnant with my son Micah. In fact, Micah was born 5 days after our 1-year anniversary. We were learning how to do life as a team of two and before we could figure that out we quickly became a team of 3! We both took claim of different areas of our marriage and decided that MY WAY was the BEST WAY. For us Justin held onto our finances with an iron fist and I was psycho baby momma that made sure Micah was taken care of the right way… MY WAY… at all times.

God has bought us together as a team not as opposing sides. We learned to trust each other and accepted how we each went about daily life. So I may have chosen to change Micah’s diaper sooner than Justin thought too. And maybe I didn’t balance the checkbook in a timely fashion as he did. In the end, those small details don’t matter! What matters is that we know that we are for each other and that we are always assuming the best of each other even when our best looks very different.

5. The difference between TRUST and FEAR.

Our story would lend one to think that I have a right to live in constant fear that Justin will have another affair. Or that Justin should fear that one day I would eventually leave him because of his choices. This type of fearful thinking is so destructive. Fear says that you will not survive the fall out of losing your spouse so live in suspicion so that you can catch him/her when she messes-up.

Trust says…

I am fully aware that in trusting I’m being vulnerable to being hurt (again).

Trust says…

“I am for you” and “I am thinking the best of you”… not the worst.

Trust says…

I’m gong to love my spouse with reckless abandonment just as Jesus did for me when he came as a baby and died on the cross.

Trust says…

I will love my spouse without fear but with hope that the Holy Spirit will guide me as to how to love my spouse.

Trust says…

“God I will love my spouse fearlessly thinking the best of them at all times” and “if my spouse chooses to leave me YOU will never leave me or forsake me.”

What would you add to my list?

Understanding WHY is imperative. One of the things we’ve learned over the past few years is that WHY we do things in our marriage matters more than WHAT we do.

There have been so many times in our marriage that I did something simply to get Trisha off my back. My motivation wasn’t one of love and service, it was to avoid a fight; it was to minimize conflict; it was to pacify her so I could throw it up to her later.

Doing the dishes; mowing the yard; even talking to her on the phone while I was at the office was done with a sense of obligation, and sometimes with a sense of manipulation.

From Trisha’s standpoint, there have been many times things were done out of duty and not out of love. Laundry has been folded. Meals have been cooked. Sex has been offered. House has been cleaned…many times out of obligation.

I haven’t stopped with obligation, I’ve been guilty of manipulation as well.  If I help clean the house tonight then I can go to the game on Friday night and not feel guilty. If I do the dishes then maybe we can be intimate. From Trisha’s standpoint, if I offer sex then maybe he won’t bother me about it for a while.

Our motivation for serving one another in marriage is huge. When we do something for our spouse out of obligation, guilt, fear, or to manipulate, what happens over time is resentment builds.

All of a sudden, you resent your wife when you mow the yard, because she doesn’t respect how hard you work all day. You resent your husband when he comes home and sits on the couch because he doesn’t appreciate all you do around the house. You resent your wife because when you do something for her, she doesn’t reciprocate with sexual intimacy. You resent your husband because he only does something nice for you when he wants to have sex.

There is a cycle that is created in a marriage that we often don’t recognize. Our need is to control our spouse. Our need is to get our way. Our need is to let the other person know just how much we bring to this marriage and how thankful they should be for us.

I constantly have to remind myself to check my motives. WHY am I doing this? Why am I cleaning out the car? Is it out of love and service to Trisha; or is it because I want something in return?

When we serve our spouse expecting something in return, we set ourselves up for disappointment and we plant the seed of resentment.

Maybe today you have anger toward your spouse and you can’t figure it out. Your fuse is short, and it takes very little for you to lose your temper. Maybe you haven’t asked WHY. WHY do you do the things you do? Maybe its out of fear or guilt or control…but it isn’t purely out of love, it will breed disappointment and resentment.

Are we the only ones that have focused on WHAT and not on WHY?

Have you ever bought a new car…it doesn’t have to be brand new car…but a car that was new to you? Before possessing that car, you never really saw one on the road. You could have passed one often, but you never noticed it. But when YOU buy that car, all of a sudden it seems like everyone and their mother has your car. No matter where you go, someone is driving YOUR car. The truth is, they’ve always had YOUR car, but you only notice it after you own it.

For me, the same thing happens when I read Scripture. I have read passages of Scripture hundreds of times, but some how after I recognize an issue or a sin pattern or a fault in my life that particular passage jumps off the page and I notice it in a way I never have before. This happened to me yesterday as Pete was reading Genesis 2:25… “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

There is a shame epidemic in Christianity today. So many people feel ashamed. Ashamed in their friendships. Ashamed in their marriages. Ashamed in their relationship with God. Shame puts a choke-hold on grace. What you experience is living knowing you are free from the penalty of sin, but feeling as though you are not.

What jumps out to me about this passage is that there is a definite connection between nakedness and shame. Naked doesn’t just describe Adam and Eve’s physical appearance…it describes the condition of their heart. It illustrates their relationship with God.

Our willingness to live naked…to live exposed…to come out of hiding will determine the amount of shame with which we live. We can’t understand why we can’t grow in our intimacy with God. We can’t figure out why all of our friendships come to a standstill after the same exact amount of time. We convince ourselves that the pseudo-intimacy we experience in our marriage is as good as the real thing. Shame diminishes our potential for intimacy in every aspect of our life.

God’s desire for us is:

• Bare
• Open
• Exposed
• Uncovered
• Honest
• Known

What we live in is:

• Hidden
• Disguised
• Secret
• Concealed
• Buried
• Unknown

Adam and Eve hid behind fig leaves and thought that God wouldn’t see them.

I hide behind my reputation; my income; my status; my talent; my career; my smile; my ability to fake you out. What this type of hiding leads to is shame…and shame is the enemy of the life God longs for you to have.

Maybe today, you are experiencing shame in your life; in your marriage; in your friendships; in your relationship with God because for some time you have been unwilling to be naked. You have counted the cost of baring your soul and exposing your heart to God or to another…and the cost seems to high.

It will cost you something. To live naked will cost you a lot. But what you will gain is being known and feeling no shame.

Thoughts?

**Disclaimer: On Sunday night Trisha and I sat in two different rooms writing blog posts. She wrote her post yesterday, and I wrote this post. Neither of us knew how God had laid such similar things on our hearts. I love it when God works that way.**

Last month, Trisha and I celebrated 15 years of marriage. We also celebrated our oldest son Micah’s 14^th birthday. Just typing that feels weird. We don’t feel old enough to have a 14 year old.

It is a very interesting season of life, because our oldest son and our youngest son are 7 years apart in age, but look very much alike. As I watch my youngest son, I think about Micah at his age. Micah had some friends come over to celebrate his birthday on Sunday, and as I sat and watched them at the pool I thought to myself:

“How much of the journey did I miss because I was so focused on the destination?”

When Micah was 7, I was busy building a church. I’ve always been busy building something…a reputation, a student ministry, a bank account, an image, a fund raising plan, a leadership structure, an organization.

Here is the tricky thing…none of these things are bad. But the focus I had on what was next usually clouded my enjoyment of what was now.

As a husband, I wanted to figure out how to have a better job; how to have a bigger house; how to have a newer car; how to take better vacations; how to save more money; how to have more toys. Arriving was more important than becoming.

As a father, I was waiting for the boys to crawl; then walk; then talk; then get out of diapers; then get in a big boy bed; then go to school; then play sports.

As a pastor, my whole focus was on the destination. I can’t wait until we have a building; I can’t wait till we have 50 people; 100 people; 300 people; 500 people; 700 people; I can’t wait until we go to two services; I can’t wait until next Easter, its going to be bigger and better than this Easter.

There is nothing wrong with having goals. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being driven. I’m not suggesting that a person, a marriage, a family, a church, a business shouldn’t grow and improve.

But when we pursue the destination more passionately than we do the journey, we often miss both altogether.

Focusing on the destination allows you to achieve some goals and experience some success, but there is always a cost.

Seeking the destination has:

• Cost me joy
• Robbed me of memories
• Caused me stress
• Made me ungrateful
• Left me discontent

What I have discovered is that God’s presence finds me on the journey. He is more concerned with who I am becoming than where I am arriving. Oddly enough, so is my wife; so are my kids.

What I have realized (often the hard way) is:

• Intimacy grows on the journey
• Moments are created on the journey
• Contentment is found on the journey
• Gratitude is overwhelming on the journey
• Life is savored on the journey

Is there an area of your life that your focus on the destination has robbed you of joy in the journey?

I can remember sitting in a counseling session talking to our marriage counselor. Trisha and I were still separated at this point. One of the things were discussing was integrity. When you’ve had an affair, there’s no doubt that you lack integrity…but this discussion was about something bigger.

This conversation was about the origin of integrity lost; it was about how my heart initially got disconnected from Truth. At one point, our counselor said, “You seem to lie, even when the truth would do.” That statement hit me right between the eyes.

The lies I told weren’t always big lies. Sometimes I left out a detail; sometimes I added details; sometimes I embellished; sometimes I exaggerated; sometimes I withheld truth. My motivation for lying when the truth would do was to look better than I really was. I wanted to appear smarter; more gifted; more capable; more spiritual; more impressive, more lovable.

One of the things that our counselor helped me realize is that my desire to stretch the truth; to withhold truth; to embellish a story; to exaggerate details is directly connected to my intimacy level with God.

This temptation is almost like a gas gauge to my spiritual life. When I’m tempted to compromise truth, that is a red flag to me of a heart condition that I need to recognize…a distance exists between God’s heart and mine. If left unchecked being tempted to distort truth will turn into a loss of integrity.

My guess is you have the same gauge in your heart. It might not be the same as mine, but there is a signature temptation in your life that indicates danger. It isn’t something that starts out big; it’s not something that starts out destructive; it’s not something that would appear to do damage to your relationship with God or others. But you know that when that temptation hits your mind, it is a huge sign that you’ve drifted away from the heart of God. It is in that moment that so much hangs in the balance; and you have the potential to choose life or death.

So often we lose sight of the opportunities we have to avoid sin. Because of insecurity, or pride or our shallow character we don’t admit the temptations we experience. As a result they grow into destructive behavior patterns.

My prayer for the last five years has been “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me.” Through that prayer, God has revealed in me the “why’s” of my sin, and not just the “what’s”.

Without understanding the motivation we have to allow compromise in our life, it is almost impossible to overcome that desire to compromise.

Is there a signature temptation that you have that indicates distance between you and God?

Intimacy for me (Justin) was just sex.

I was never taught how to develop true intimacy, never realized the spiritual aspect of intimacy and never considered there could be any deeper level of intimacy than having sex. Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I fell into the trap of withholding parts of my heart from Trisha. It wasn’t always sin or struggles that I withheld…it was also fears that I was ashamed of, things I didn’t have figured out, issues that I thought would stress her out, financial struggles I knew would worry her, and dreams that I thought she would never understand.

We have the honor of guest posting today and tomorrow on our friend Jenny‘s blog: READ THE REST OF THIS POST HERE

Most people only communicate what they expect from a relationship after they have been disappointed or let down. We talk to people all the time that are unhappy in their marriage, unhappy in a relationship, dissatisfied with a friend, because the relationship isn’t what they thought it would be and isn’t what they expected it should be.

Our first question when a husband or wife expresses their frustration about an unmet expectation is, “Have you told your wife that you desire that?” “Have you told your husband you expect that?” Most of the time the answer is no.

When the answer is yes, the expectations people have are usually spewed out during an argument.

Arguments will never change someone’s heart. An argument might change how your wife acts or how your husband behaves for a day or two, but arguing will never turn a person’s heart closer to another. When an expectation is shared during an argument, its too late to do any good.

Can we share a secret with you that we have learned the hard way? This will apply to your friendships, to your work relationships, to your relationship with your kids, in your marriage…Unspoken expectations will always grow into unmet expectations.

If you are unhappy in your marriage right now. If you wonder how you and your spouse could have drifted so far apart; if you are constantly frustrated that your needs, your desires, your expectations aren’t being met…have you communicated them outside the context of an argument?

Maybe its going out for breakfast; maybe its staying up an extra hour; maybe its going out on a date and having a conversation about expectations. This conversation should probably start with, “I want you to know that I own half of this issue. Half of the disappointment I have is because I haven’t communicated well.”

When expectations are communicated in clearly, calmly and in a desire to grow the relationship and not just beat the other down…relationships flourish. Friendships deepen; dating relationships grow; marriages become stronger.

In the context of your relationships, do you struggle with unspoken expectations?