On Monday nights we usually go to the YMCA to work out, then join friends at Mexican Restaurant afterwards to undo everything we just accomplished at the gym. This past Monday we walked in and my youngest son started acting a little weird and got a funny look on his face. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Trisha arrived a few minutes after me; sat down and said, “Did you see Isaiah’s girlfriend over there?” The weirdness made sense. I immediately stood up and pointed and stared at her and asked Isaiah if he wanted to introduce me. He did not.

We were driving home, just Isaiah and me, and I said, “Does your girlfriend really like you are does she just like you as friends?” “She really likes me!” “Really? How do you know?” “I wrote her a note and I said, ‘Do you like me? Yes or No please check one.’” I simply gave him a fist bump and said, “That move is so money. I’m proud of you.” We had a laugh and then I told him 9 year olds can’t have real girlfriends.

You remember when you used to write love notes? You remember when you first started dating your spouse how exciting it was? You remember when you used to pursue her? You remember when you couldn’t wait to see him?

My little conversation with Isaiah reminded me of a few things that could really help your marriage this week:

1. Pursue your spouse. 

What if you asked your wife out on a date this Saturday? What if you found a babysitter; made reservations; cleared the calendar; bought flowers; and asked your wife if she would go out with you? What if you got up early tomorrow morning and made your husband breakfast in bed? What if you woke your husband up tomorrow morning and offered something else in bed? When is the last time you pursued your spouse? Not for you…but for them?

2. Write them a love note. 

What if you wrote your husband a love note, telling him how much you love him. What if you sent your wife a text message right in the middle of a busy day? What if you sent your spouse an email listing all the things you love about them? It is one thing to say you love them. It is another thing to show how much you love them by putting it in writing.

3. Give a compliment. 

When is the last time you told your husband he is sexy? When is the last time you told your wife how beautiful her eyes are? When is the last time you complimented her effort as a mom? When is the last time you said how much you appreciate all his hard work? When is the last time you gave a compliment…not to receive anything in return, just to give to them.

How you used to feel is very much connected to what you used to do.

I had the honor of performing a wedding on Saturday. I love being able to share in a couple’s special day. As I was giving the message during the ceremony, I spoke about 3 things that have helped Trisha and I  journey together and love each other more today than we did the day we got married. We obviously haven’t always gotten these right, but they are the foundation to the marriage we have today.

As I was driving home I thought about how simple and obvious the things I shared are. They aren’t rocket science. But as broken and imperfect human beings they are really hard to live out. My guess is even if you have been married for a while, these will be obvious to read, but maybe not so obvious in your marriage. I truly believe that making a decision to do these three things changes the entire climate of your marriage. Here’s the advice I gave them (and you and me):

1. Pursue each other. Life will distract you. It will get busy and stressful and when kids come into the picture it will get even more so. What brought you to the place of wanting to spend the rest of your life with your spouse was your commitment to pursue each other. Don’t forget to talk together, to laugh together, to go out on dates, to prioritize each other. Don’t stop doing these things just because you are married. Love grows as we pursue our spouse.

2. Forgive Quickly: There is nothing that limits a marriage’s ability to grow than built up resentment. You will be tempted to hold a grudge. You will be tempted to get even by being bitter, but fight against that temptation. There is something amazing that happens when grace is extended in a relationship…intimacy is restored. I want to encourage you to forgive quickly.

3. Be Patient with each other. Change is a process and not an event. There will be times that you will be so frustrated when the clothes are next to the hamper instead of in the hamper. There will be times when the check book isn’t balanced. You will want more than anything the power to change the other person. But the truth is you don’t have the capacity to change the other person…so be patient as God changes them. Be slow to anger. You will show your love for one another as you demonstrate patience.

What are your thoughts on these 3 and what would you add to the list if you were giving advice to people getting married?

Every week for the past month, there has been one thing that’s caused more stress and created more panic than anything else: The Packet. Our 8 year old son, Isaiah has a packet of homework that he brings home every single day. There is a page of spelling. There is a page of math. There is a page of reading comprehension. There is a page of sentence exercises. Not that big of a deal. The Packet creates crisis.

Every day Isaiah comes home and he wants to shoot hoops in the driveway or play Playstation or watch TV. There is always one question, “Do you have homework.” The answer to that question every single day is, “Yes.” He has The Packet. But here’s the deal, the packet isn’t due until Monday. So every single day, Isaiah thinks to himself, “I can do my packet tomorrow.” That philosophy works…until Sunday night. Sunday night comes and there is panic and there are tears and that is just from Trisha and me. Every week there is a crisis over a packet that has to be done all in one night, when it could have been done a little at a time.

The truth is that the same thing plays out in our marriages. So often we wait until there is a crisis before we take the necessary steps to heal our marriage. That is one of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage. We waited until there was an affair to pursue the marriage we both longed to have. Most marriages fall into this trap. It isn’t until someone’s bags are packed or someone has been kicked out or someone says they are done before we are willing to change. By that time, the issues seem so big, it is a mountain that appears insurmountable. It feels hopeless.

What if the marriage that you deeply desire wasn’t a huge mountain to climb, but simply a series of small decisions made over time?

• What if you you took time to intentionally listen to her tonight?
• What if you genuinely complimented him for how hard he works?
• What if you chose (not because you were guilted into it) to not work late this week and you made it home for dinner each night?
• What if you determined to tell the truth about little things so that your spouse knew you were telling the truth in the big things?
• What if you got a babysitter and went out on a date a couple of times this month?
• What if you told her how beautiful she is. (Without trying to get her to have sex with you)
• What if you reminded him how attracted you are to him? (And then initiated sex)
• What if you shared what you love about each other rather than spewing what you can’t stand?
• What if you made her breakfast?
• What if you got him a gift card to Best Buy?

We don’t have to wait for a crisis before we pursue the marriage we desire. The goal of RefineUs isn’t crisis management…it is crisis prevention. We want to help you see the condition of your heart so you can avoid a crisis in your marriage.

How does a good marriage go bad? A little at a time.

How does a bad marriage go good? A little at a time.

Over the past couple of weeks Trisha and I have met with a lot of married couples. Some have had train wreck experiences…some have just drifted over time. Some realize they have some serious issues. Some have dysfunction that they aren’t even aware exists. Each of the couples we have met with recently have one thing in common: their list.

You know that list. It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

A few days ago I met with a couple that are professional scorekeepers. From the day they got married they’ve kept a running log of offenses, mistakes and hurt feelings. They counter-attacked one another with precision. They each had their list. They each had their point to make. They were each right, and the score didn’t lie.

I left that meeting and was reminded of Trisha and my ability to keep score. We were just like this couple…for years.

But then I thought of a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages but we kept our own score?

What if I kept track of how many times I messed up?

What if I made a mental note of how many times I broke a promise?

What if I kept track how many times Trisha has been right and I’ve been wrong?

What if I had a running total of the many times I’ve said hurtful words; had a bad attitude; been hateful in my response; been insensitive; acted rudely; not said I’m sorry?

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of my mistakes as I did my wife’s?

Maybe I wouldn’t point to the scoreboard as much…and I’d be more grateful for a wife that puts up with my mistakes.

Maybe I would be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs…and be thankful for grace.

Do you struggle with keeping score?

Have you ever read a passage of scripture so many times that you kinda tune it out applying to your life? It’s not that you don’t believe in its truth or understand its meaning…but it’s so familiar that it is has lost it power to move you?

A few days ago, something too familiar invaded my heart.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I have read it hundreds of times. I have used it at numerous weddings. I have spoken about it in several messages. It is familiar.

I’ve equated my ability to quote this passage with my willingness to be changed by it.

Sadly those two haven’t been equal.

Am I patient?

Am I kind?

Do I not envy?

Am I not proud?

Do my kids think I’m not easily angered?

Does my wife think I keep no record of wrongs?

Do I rejoice in the truth?

Do I always protect my friends and those closest to me?

Do I always trust?

Am I willing to persevere even when I feel like giving up?

Do I love? Really.

Greater than faith, is love.

Greater than hope, is love.

Is my life characterized by patience and kindness and humility? Will I allow this passage to transform me?

Do you love?

Does it have the power to transform you?

Amazingly, its transformational power is up to us.

Which word that describes love do you struggle to live out the most?

There are some friendships that stand the test of time and circumstances. Trisha and I have been friends with Mike for almost 10 years. Mike lead worship for our student ministry years ago, and when we started Genesis Church in 2002, he would drive from Nashville to Indianapolis  about every 3 months to lead worship for our little church-plant. God has intersected our journey in a number of different ways. When we started RefineUs, Mike was one of the very first people to support us. He emailed me and told me how much he believed in us; in our message and in the potential for what God could do.

Mike is a gifted photographer and a few weeks ago, I approached him about doing something for Valentine’s Week here on RefineUs. This won’t be practical for everyone, but if you are in Nashville, this could be a really cool date idea for you this week. Here is what we came up with:

RefineUs Valentine’s Week Special:

A perfect gift that is unique to each couple! A special portrait session with your loved one is a perfect gift to capture your love for each other.

Think of it like a date night captured by a professional photographer. We’ll schedule to visit a location that the both of you love(your home, park, zoo) or an activity that you both would love to do (sports game, bowling, spring festival) and I’ll be there to capture your moments together.

What’s included and the cost?
Cost: $150

Included:
•90 minute session to capture as many fun and casual photos as we can.
•Your favorite 10 Digital Negative Files & Permission to Make Print From Files
•Sessions are to be used by March 31st before the summer heat arrives.

Printed photos may also be ordered.

(Click on the thumbnails below to see full resolution picture)

You can find more information about Myrick Studios HERE:

(Neither RefineUs or Trisha or I have received compensation to publish this post. We just felt like this could be a really romantic thing to do on Valentine’s week and wanted to connect you to a really talented photographer, who loves our ministry.)

I remember the very first Valentine’s Day I spent with Trisha. It was 17 years ago today. I borrowed a friend’s car (that was much nicer than mine) and took her to a restaurant called Bennigan’s. I had the Monte Cristo sandwich. Trisha had a salad with Blue Cheese dressing. We went to the movies after dinner.

All through dinner I remember adding up how much my meal was; how much Trisha’s meal was and calculating if I had enough money in my checking account to pay for the movies. The truth is I had borrowed a friend’s car because I didn’t have any gas in my car to get to the restaurant and back. I didn’t have the money for dinner and definitely couldn’t afford the movie…but none of that mattered because I would have done anything to impress Trisha.

When we were dating, we would do the craziest things to be with one another. We would stay up late at night talking on the phone. We would playfully argue about who was going to hang up first. “No, you hang up.” “No, you hang up.” (Don’t pretend you didn’t do that.) We would go out of our way to see each other between classes even if we didn’t have class in the same building.

I remember one weekend I talked Trisha into coming to our house in Indiana to meet my parents. She could only stay for one day, but I didn’t care. We drove 3 hours to my house, and then the next day, I drove her 4 hours to her house, dropped her off and turned around and drove back. 11 hours of driving just so we could spend a little time together.

There was a sense when we were dating that we would do ANYTHING for love. (Insert Meatloaf song here) No distance was too long to travel. No conversation was too long. No date was too expensive. No love song was too cheesy. We wanted to be with each other. We wanted to know each other. We wanted to demonstrate how much we loved each other.

My guess is our story is very similar to your story. You too probably did everything you could to impress your husband. You probably went to great lengths to win your wife’s heart. You would do ANYTHING for love.

But maybe that isn’t the case these days. Life has happened and kids have happened and stress has happened. And while you didn’t set out to drift apart, it has just kinda played out that way.

Now you complain about driving 10 minutes to get a gallon of milk. Late night conversations have been replaced with reading or watching TV. Date nights are a thing of the past because you don’t have time or money or energy or interest.

What if this Valentine’s Day was different? What if today marked the beginning of something new in your marriage? What if you decided that you would do ANYTHING for love? You chose to engage in the conversation your wife desired? You gave your husband the same attention you give your co-workers each day? You set aside time to talk. You brought back some romance. You refused to allow life to get the best of the relationship you dreamed about. What if today was the day that you got the best of your spouse? That could change everything.

What is one thing you could do this Valentine’s Day that would make a difference in your marriage?

There are several people each week that contact us through our blog and ask us how to avoid having an affair. Some are newly married and don’t want make the same mistake I did. Some are on the verge of crossing some boundaries that they promised their spouse they would never cross. No matter where you are in your marriage today…these five things we believe will serve to affair-proof your marriage.

1.     Pursue God

I’ve never talked to anyone who has cheated on their spouse who has told me that their relationship with God was healthy when they had an affair. The truth is that your marriage will not be perfect. You will have problems. You will face temptation. But if you are pursuing God; His Word; His truth and allowing Him to form you and shape you, that is the best thing you can do to affair-proof your marriage.

2.     Pursue Your Spouse

It is hard to fall out of love with someone you are pursuing. It is difficult to lose interest in someone that you are prioritizing. Other people don’t look so attractive when you are setting aside time to pursue and date your spouse. Most couples lose interest in one another because they fail to spend time with one another. Sitting next to each other at your kid’s soccer game or a band concert doesn’t count. Date your spouse. Buy her flowers. Put perfume on before he gets home from work. Go out on a date that isn’t the movies. Talk. Laugh. Pursue.

3.     Don’t Fantasize About Someone Else

All sin starts in our mind. I’ve never heard anyone say, “I never thought about that, it just happened.” All sin starts as a thought. The Bible calls it temptation. Temptation is normal. Temptation is common. Temptation is something that you are guaranteed to face. Jesus experienced temptation. Temptation becomes sinful when it moves to fantasy. When you begin to fantasize about someone other than your spouse, you have already broken intimacy in your heart and mind with your husband or wife. It is why the Bible says to guard our hearts. It’s why the Bible says that what ever is pure and lovely and true…to think on those things. Affairs always start in our mind.

4.     Share Your Secrets

Every time we withhold truth from our spouse we create distance in our marriage. Oneness is how the Bible describes our marriage relationship. Secrets have no part of oneness. Secrets break oneness. The word intimacy means, “to be fully known.” When we don’t allow our spouse to fully know us, we compromise intimacy. I am not saying that keeping secrets from your spouse will cause you to have an affair. I am saying that not keeping secrets from your spouse will prevent you from having an affair. It is hard to for sin to grow in light. It is hard for deceit to grow in the context of authentic truth.

5.     Have Sex

Physical intimacy is a gift from God. It will not solve all of your marriage problems. But if you are committed to pursuing God; pursuing your spouse; keeping your mind and heart pure; sexual intimacy will strengthen the oneness in your relationship like nothing else can. Our culture uses sex to sell for a reason…it is a powerful force in our lives. It can and should be a powerful force in our marriages as well. (Guys, you can print this off and show it to your wife, after you’ve done #1 & #2 )

These are our five, what would you add to the list?

I had breakfast this summer with a good friend. His marriage was in trouble. For thirty minutes he told me how bad things were. He and his wife had grown apart. He listed all of the things that she did that drove him nuts. He deserved more than what she was giving. She didn’t appreciate him; she didn’t respect him; she didn’t understand him. The list went on and on.

It was a hard conversation because I felt like I was talking to myself five years ago. All I could see at the time Trisha and I separated were the things that drove me crazy and frustrated me.

I had nothing to say to my friend to make this better. I just prayed that God would give me wisdom and would allow me to say something that would overcome the resentment that had built over the years.

I said to him, “Wow, it is pretty obvious what you don’t love about your wife. What do you love about her? What made you fall in love with her? What caused you to lay awake at night dreaming about the day you would wake up next to her?”

Long. Pause.

Tears started streaming down his face. He said to me, “I haven’t thought about that in a long, long time.” I said, “Why don’t you think about it right now.” He began to share with me what he loved about his wife. He began to talk about a person that he fell in love with. He began to remember why wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I said to him, “Do those things still live in her? Does she still possess those qualities?” “Yes. I just don’t see them.”

The longer we are in a relationship, the easier it is to see all the things that irritate us. The more familiar we are with someone’s weaknesses, the more prone we are to focus on those weaknesses and become resentful.

What do you love about your husband? I know he leaves his underwear on the floor next to the hamper. I know he comes home later than what he promised. I know he doesn’t help out with the kids, as much as you want him to…I know all of that. But what do you love about him? Do you love his laugh? Do you love his smile? Do you love how hard he works? Do you love that he gets your quirky sense of humor? What do you love about him?

What do you love about your wife? I know she overreacts. I know she uses a tone of voice with you that drives you nuts. I know she holds grudges and throws up your mistakes from the past. I know all of that…but what do you love about her? Do you love her eyes? Do you love her integrity? Do you love her loyalty? Do you love waking up to her every single morning? What do you love about her?

Maybe the issues you face in your relationship with your spouse are more a matter of your perspective than anything else. What if you led with love and not with your frustrations?

Do you struggle with only seeing what bugs you verses what you love?

On this day, 15 years ago, Trisha said “I Do.” Those of you that are a part of our community know that we almost didn’t make it to year number 11…so to be at year 15 is pure grace.

The picture above is from our honeymoon. I know I look drunk, but I wasn’t. What I see in that picture is promise, potential, dreams, expectation. It is amazing how life, and busyness and work and kids and ministry can cause those things to fade over time.

The thing I’m most thankful for on our 15th wedding anniversary is when I look at the picture below, I see promise, potential, dreams and giddy expectation. God is a God of restoration.

If you are in a place where hope is fading in your marriage; the road seems long; the promise of what could be has been wrecked by the reality of what is…don’t give up. Hang in there. If God can bring Trisha and I to year 15, he can do anything.

Happy Anniversary to the most loving, grace-filled, sexiest woman alive. I can’t wait to experience the next 15 years of grace with you.