Today’s post is from our friends Josh and Lindsey Hartz. Josh and Lindsey started out as blogging friends and have turned into real life friends. Josh and Lindsey live out the grace of God in their life and marriage and have an incredible story of restoration. We are honored to have them both share with us today.

You can follow Lindsey on Twitter
You can follow Josh on Twitter

You can check out Lindsey’s Blog

We so grateful to have Josh and Lindsey as a part of our RefineUs marriage coaching team.
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“She Said…”

I thought marriage would be a fairy tale…complete with a handsome prince on a valiant white horse, rushing in to save me from the evils of this world.

Different circumstances throughout much of my childhood left me with a distinct vision of what “marriage” was…temporary, painful, distant, busy, disconnected.

So I read voraciously to escape, to find some beauty to cling to.  I especially loved the enchantingly depicted fantasies of distant lands, unimaginable riches, true love, and happy endings.  I wished on stars and prayed and hoped that one day my Prince Charming would come, that one day he would keep me safe and love me forever, no matter what.

My journey to marriage didn’t go so well.  When I started to show interests in boys, I always seemed to wind up with the “bad” apples.  Although my relationships were very few and far between, they’d always break my heart, break my confidence, and break my spirit.

Until one day, I met him….the “One.” I thought all my dreams had come true as one by one my requirements were met.  He was handsome, kind, and honorable.  He had a pickup truck instead of a horse, but he certainly took care of me, tried to protect me, and loved me even through my deepest struggles and sin.

But sadly, the moment I felt he failed me (real or imagined) my perfect vision of our relationship shattered, and all I could see was everything he wasn’t doing.  In fact, my high expectations of him and controlling nature were slowly draining the love from our marriage.  As the years went on, I found myself resorting to what I knew…pain, distance, busyness, and disconnection became the norm.  Temporary became more and more attractive.

Until one day, when the only true “One” stepped in to the mess we had made.  He opened our eyes, saved our marriage, saved our souls.

I finally realized that God had given me my Prince Charming all along.  We don’t live in a distant land and we certainly don’t have material riches…but we do have is true love, grounded on faith in our precious Father. Those riches far exceed anything this world (or my fairy tales) could ever offer

“He Said…”

I never dated the prom queen or really had that many dates.  I didn’t dream of a fancy wedding or what happily ever after looked like.  I wasn’t sure who the one was, but then she was there!  She was beautiful, shy, smart, and sassy, oh so sassy!  I knew she was the one and in my mind, I thought marriage was going to be blissful happiness, romance, and guaranteed sex!

What I wasn’t prepared for was life.  My fantasy didn’t take into the account that my wife had actual feelings and past hurts that needed to be handled with care.  She was a beautiful woman with real emotions (not the ones I had seen portrayed on the internet).  She needed to be wooed and won over.  Then she needed to be wooed and won over again and again.

When I didn’t see the romanticized marriage that my mind had concocted, I fled.  I turned to false gods such as work, exercise, and Internet fantasies because all that was easier than working hard to have a good marriage.  While work and exercise might not be bad unto themselves, where there is no balance and when the focus is solely on oneself it can lead to great distance and heartache.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my marriage needed something that I couldn’t provide by myself.  My marriage needed to be focused on God!  I needed to make my Redeemer the central focus of my heart and my actions.   I also didn’t realize how deeply my wife needed a protector.  I was pretty good at physically protecting her, but she needed to feel the deep protection that could only be felt through the Lord.

My wife’s beauty hasn’t faded.  She is still smart, and still just as sassy.  Our marriage has gone from blissful ignorance to near divorce and back by His grace alone.  The marriage we have now I wouldn’t trade for anything!  Oh and the sex…..well, I try to woo a lot more now!

I’m really excited about our blog posts for this week. Valentine’s week holds a special place in our blog’s heart. We launched RefineUs 3 years ago this week.

This summer, Trisha and I realized that in order for RefineUs to continue to help restore hope and renew relationships like we feel God has called us to do, this ministry had to expand beyond us. Actually, RefineUs was never meant to be about us, it’s always been about the redemption that God can bring to any heart; any relationship; any marriage.

We have asked some friends that we trust and that understand the vision of RefineUs to come along side us and help coach couples. Our marriage coaching program can now serve four times as many couples. We are so thankful for their investment and partnership.

We’ve asked each of our marriage coaches to do a guest post this week. The theme of the posts will be around the topic of expectations. We all had expectations when we got married….we all expected marriage to be ___________ and it ended up being _____________.

Sometimes our expectations were unrealistic, other times they were just unmet. I know the posts this week are going to speak to your heart.

If you would like more information on our four month marriage coaching program, CLICK HERE to find out more and move from the marriage you have to the marriage you desire.

Happy Valentine’s Week and thank yo for being a part of our community.

Yesterday was a really fun day for me. I got made fun of a little, but I’m cool with it. Trisha is a part of a movement of pastors’ wives and women in ministry called Leading and Loving It. It is a phenomenal community of women. Thus why I was made fun of…because Trisha spoke at their JustOne Conference yesterday, and I was one of one dude chatting, tweeting and Facebooking the conference.

When Trisha and I separated six years ago, I sat in a counseling session alone. I don’t remember how the session started, but I remember how it ended. My counselor asked me to do an inventory of the times I felt supported by Trisha. I don’t have the list I made that day, but it took me about 20 seconds to come up with this list…

• When I wanted to move to Sandusky, OH and serve as a 100 year old church’s first youth pastor, Trish moved with me
• When I had no one to direct the Christmas musical, Trisha supported me and did it
• When I wasn’t happy in this traditional small church, and wanted to move to a bigger church, Trisha cheered me on and moved
• When I needed someone to build a student worship band, Trisha supported my ministry and built three separate teams
• When that church got too small for my dreams, Trisha said goodbye to friends and family and moved again to support my dreams
• When I had a vision to sell everything we owned and start a church in a place we knew 4 people, Trisha was my biggest cheer leader
• When I came home after attendance sucked; my message bombed; an elder’s meeting was rough; I had a conflict with a staff member; or got an nasty email from someone in the church, Trisha cheered me on.
• When I broke our vows; lost our house; took Trish from the church we started and the friends we had and asked her to start all over with me…she supported me and cheered on my restoration.

I want to be her biggest cheerleader. God is opening doors for her to speak and write and bring hope to others and I want to cheer her on. I want to be the first one to brag on her; I want to be the loudest voice saying, “Way to go.” I want to fuel the dreams that God has placed in her heart, like she has selflessly done for me for the past 18 years.

What about you? Are you the champion of your spouse’s dreams? It is so easy to just expect them to help us achieve all that we have in our heart, while forgetting God has placed us in their lives to be their biggest cheerleader. What is one dream your wife has? What is one thing you could help your husband accomplish?

Knowing the answer to those questions are the first step in cheering them on.

On Monday nights we usually go to the YMCA to work out, then join friends at Mexican Restaurant afterwards to undo everything we just accomplished at the gym. This past Monday we walked in and my youngest son started acting a little weird and got a funny look on his face. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Trisha arrived a few minutes after me; sat down and said, “Did you see Isaiah’s girlfriend over there?” The weirdness made sense. I immediately stood up and pointed and stared at her and asked Isaiah if he wanted to introduce me. He did not.

We were driving home, just Isaiah and me, and I said, “Does your girlfriend really like you are does she just like you as friends?” “She really likes me!” “Really? How do you know?” “I wrote her a note and I said, ‘Do you like me? Yes or No please check one.’” I simply gave him a fist bump and said, “That move is so money. I’m proud of you.” We had a laugh and then I told him 9 year olds can’t have real girlfriends.

You remember when you used to write love notes? You remember when you first started dating your spouse how exciting it was? You remember when you used to pursue her? You remember when you couldn’t wait to see him?

My little conversation with Isaiah reminded me of a few things that could really help your marriage this week:

1. Pursue your spouse. 

What if you asked your wife out on a date this Saturday? What if you found a babysitter; made reservations; cleared the calendar; bought flowers; and asked your wife if she would go out with you? What if you got up early tomorrow morning and made your husband breakfast in bed? What if you woke your husband up tomorrow morning and offered something else in bed? When is the last time you pursued your spouse? Not for you…but for them?

2. Write them a love note. 

What if you wrote your husband a love note, telling him how much you love him. What if you sent your wife a text message right in the middle of a busy day? What if you sent your spouse an email listing all the things you love about them? It is one thing to say you love them. It is another thing to show how much you love them by putting it in writing.

3. Give a compliment. 

When is the last time you told your husband he is sexy? When is the last time you told your wife how beautiful her eyes are? When is the last time you complimented her effort as a mom? When is the last time you said how much you appreciate all his hard work? When is the last time you gave a compliment…not to receive anything in return, just to give to them.

How you used to feel is very much connected to what you used to do.

I had the honor of performing a wedding on Saturday. I love being able to share in a couple’s special day. As I was giving the message during the ceremony, I spoke about 3 things that have helped Trisha and I  journey together and love each other more today than we did the day we got married. We obviously haven’t always gotten these right, but they are the foundation to the marriage we have today.

As I was driving home I thought about how simple and obvious the things I shared are. They aren’t rocket science. But as broken and imperfect human beings they are really hard to live out. My guess is even if you have been married for a while, these will be obvious to read, but maybe not so obvious in your marriage. I truly believe that making a decision to do these three things changes the entire climate of your marriage. Here’s the advice I gave them (and you and me):

1. Pursue each other. Life will distract you. It will get busy and stressful and when kids come into the picture it will get even more so. What brought you to the place of wanting to spend the rest of your life with your spouse was your commitment to pursue each other. Don’t forget to talk together, to laugh together, to go out on dates, to prioritize each other. Don’t stop doing these things just because you are married. Love grows as we pursue our spouse.

2. Forgive Quickly: There is nothing that limits a marriage’s ability to grow than built up resentment. You will be tempted to hold a grudge. You will be tempted to get even by being bitter, but fight against that temptation. There is something amazing that happens when grace is extended in a relationship…intimacy is restored. I want to encourage you to forgive quickly.

3. Be Patient with each other. Change is a process and not an event. There will be times that you will be so frustrated when the clothes are next to the hamper instead of in the hamper. There will be times when the check book isn’t balanced. You will want more than anything the power to change the other person. But the truth is you don’t have the capacity to change the other person…so be patient as God changes them. Be slow to anger. You will show your love for one another as you demonstrate patience.

What are your thoughts on these 3 and what would you add to the list if you were giving advice to people getting married?

Every week for the past month, there has been one thing that’s caused more stress and created more panic than anything else: The Packet. Our 8 year old son, Isaiah has a packet of homework that he brings home every single day. There is a page of spelling. There is a page of math. There is a page of reading comprehension. There is a page of sentence exercises. Not that big of a deal. The Packet creates crisis.

Every day Isaiah comes home and he wants to shoot hoops in the driveway or play Playstation or watch TV. There is always one question, “Do you have homework.” The answer to that question every single day is, “Yes.” He has The Packet. But here’s the deal, the packet isn’t due until Monday. So every single day, Isaiah thinks to himself, “I can do my packet tomorrow.” That philosophy works…until Sunday night. Sunday night comes and there is panic and there are tears and that is just from Trisha and me. Every week there is a crisis over a packet that has to be done all in one night, when it could have been done a little at a time.

The truth is that the same thing plays out in our marriages. So often we wait until there is a crisis before we take the necessary steps to heal our marriage. That is one of the biggest mistakes we made in our marriage. We waited until there was an affair to pursue the marriage we both longed to have. Most marriages fall into this trap. It isn’t until someone’s bags are packed or someone has been kicked out or someone says they are done before we are willing to change. By that time, the issues seem so big, it is a mountain that appears insurmountable. It feels hopeless.

What if the marriage that you deeply desire wasn’t a huge mountain to climb, but simply a series of small decisions made over time?

• What if you you took time to intentionally listen to her tonight?
• What if you genuinely complimented him for how hard he works?
• What if you chose (not because you were guilted into it) to not work late this week and you made it home for dinner each night?
• What if you determined to tell the truth about little things so that your spouse knew you were telling the truth in the big things?
• What if you got a babysitter and went out on a date a couple of times this month?
• What if you told her how beautiful she is. (Without trying to get her to have sex with you)
• What if you reminded him how attracted you are to him? (And then initiated sex)
• What if you shared what you love about each other rather than spewing what you can’t stand?
• What if you made her breakfast?
• What if you got him a gift card to Best Buy?

We don’t have to wait for a crisis before we pursue the marriage we desire. The goal of RefineUs isn’t crisis management…it is crisis prevention. We want to help you see the condition of your heart so you can avoid a crisis in your marriage.

How does a good marriage go bad? A little at a time.

How does a bad marriage go good? A little at a time.

Over the past couple of weeks Trisha and I have met with a lot of married couples. Some have had train wreck experiences…some have just drifted over time. Some realize they have some serious issues. Some have dysfunction that they aren’t even aware exists. Each of the couples we have met with recently have one thing in common: their list.

You know that list. It is that mental list of all the things your husband does wrong. It is that scorecard you keep so your wife will know how much she owes you. It is that list you have carefully saved and tucked away so you can pull it out at just the right moment in your next argument.

Most married couples I know are scorekeepers. We know the score at all times. We know if we are up or down. We know how to leverage the score for our benefit. We know just the right time to say “SCOREBOARD” to our spouse to shut them down; prove them wrong; end an argument. (Not resolve it, just end it.)

A few days ago I met with a couple that are professional scorekeepers. From the day they got married they’ve kept a running log of offenses, mistakes and hurt feelings. They counter-attacked one another with precision. They each had their list. They each had their point to make. They were each right, and the score didn’t lie.

I left that meeting and was reminded of Trisha and my ability to keep score. We were just like this couple…for years.

But then I thought of a better way to experience marriage:

What if we redefined score-keeping? What if we continued to keep score in our marriages but we kept our own score?

What if I kept track of how many times I messed up?

What if I made a mental note of how many times I broke a promise?

What if I kept track how many times Trisha has been right and I’ve been wrong?

What if I had a running total of the many times I’ve said hurtful words; had a bad attitude; been hateful in my response; been insensitive; acted rudely; not said I’m sorry?

What if I spent as much time and as much energy keeping score of my mistakes as I did my wife’s?

Maybe I wouldn’t point to the scoreboard as much…and I’d be more grateful for a wife that puts up with my mistakes.

Maybe I would be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:5-Love keeps no record of wrongs…and be thankful for grace.

Do you struggle with keeping score?

Have you ever read a passage of scripture so many times that you kinda tune it out applying to your life? It’s not that you don’t believe in its truth or understand its meaning…but it’s so familiar that it is has lost it power to move you?

A few days ago, something too familiar invaded my heart.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I have read it hundreds of times. I have used it at numerous weddings. I have spoken about it in several messages. It is familiar.

I’ve equated my ability to quote this passage with my willingness to be changed by it.

Sadly those two haven’t been equal.

Am I patient?

Am I kind?

Do I not envy?

Am I not proud?

Do my kids think I’m not easily angered?

Does my wife think I keep no record of wrongs?

Do I rejoice in the truth?

Do I always protect my friends and those closest to me?

Do I always trust?

Am I willing to persevere even when I feel like giving up?

Do I love? Really.

Greater than faith, is love.

Greater than hope, is love.

Is my life characterized by patience and kindness and humility? Will I allow this passage to transform me?

Do you love?

Does it have the power to transform you?

Amazingly, its transformational power is up to us.

Which word that describes love do you struggle to live out the most?

There are some friendships that stand the test of time and circumstances. Trisha and I have been friends with Mike for almost 10 years. Mike lead worship for our student ministry years ago, and when we started Genesis Church in 2002, he would drive from Nashville to Indianapolis  about every 3 months to lead worship for our little church-plant. God has intersected our journey in a number of different ways. When we started RefineUs, Mike was one of the very first people to support us. He emailed me and told me how much he believed in us; in our message and in the potential for what God could do.

Mike is a gifted photographer and a few weeks ago, I approached him about doing something for Valentine’s Week here on RefineUs. This won’t be practical for everyone, but if you are in Nashville, this could be a really cool date idea for you this week. Here is what we came up with:

RefineUs Valentine’s Week Special:

A perfect gift that is unique to each couple! A special portrait session with your loved one is a perfect gift to capture your love for each other.

Think of it like a date night captured by a professional photographer. We’ll schedule to visit a location that the both of you love(your home, park, zoo) or an activity that you both would love to do (sports game, bowling, spring festival) and I’ll be there to capture your moments together.

What’s included and the cost?
Cost: $150

Included:
•90 minute session to capture as many fun and casual photos as we can.
•Your favorite 10 Digital Negative Files & Permission to Make Print From Files
•Sessions are to be used by March 31st before the summer heat arrives.

Printed photos may also be ordered.

(Click on the thumbnails below to see full resolution picture)

You can find more information about Myrick Studios HERE:

(Neither RefineUs or Trisha or I have received compensation to publish this post. We just felt like this could be a really romantic thing to do on Valentine’s week and wanted to connect you to a really talented photographer, who loves our ministry.)

I remember the very first Valentine’s Day I spent with Trisha. It was 17 years ago today. I borrowed a friend’s car (that was much nicer than mine) and took her to a restaurant called Bennigan’s. I had the Monte Cristo sandwich. Trisha had a salad with Blue Cheese dressing. We went to the movies after dinner.

All through dinner I remember adding up how much my meal was; how much Trisha’s meal was and calculating if I had enough money in my checking account to pay for the movies. The truth is I had borrowed a friend’s car because I didn’t have any gas in my car to get to the restaurant and back. I didn’t have the money for dinner and definitely couldn’t afford the movie…but none of that mattered because I would have done anything to impress Trisha.

When we were dating, we would do the craziest things to be with one another. We would stay up late at night talking on the phone. We would playfully argue about who was going to hang up first. “No, you hang up.” “No, you hang up.” (Don’t pretend you didn’t do that.) We would go out of our way to see each other between classes even if we didn’t have class in the same building.

I remember one weekend I talked Trisha into coming to our house in Indiana to meet my parents. She could only stay for one day, but I didn’t care. We drove 3 hours to my house, and then the next day, I drove her 4 hours to her house, dropped her off and turned around and drove back. 11 hours of driving just so we could spend a little time together.

There was a sense when we were dating that we would do ANYTHING for love. (Insert Meatloaf song here) No distance was too long to travel. No conversation was too long. No date was too expensive. No love song was too cheesy. We wanted to be with each other. We wanted to know each other. We wanted to demonstrate how much we loved each other.

My guess is our story is very similar to your story. You too probably did everything you could to impress your husband. You probably went to great lengths to win your wife’s heart. You would do ANYTHING for love.

But maybe that isn’t the case these days. Life has happened and kids have happened and stress has happened. And while you didn’t set out to drift apart, it has just kinda played out that way.

Now you complain about driving 10 minutes to get a gallon of milk. Late night conversations have been replaced with reading or watching TV. Date nights are a thing of the past because you don’t have time or money or energy or interest.

What if this Valentine’s Day was different? What if today marked the beginning of something new in your marriage? What if you decided that you would do ANYTHING for love? You chose to engage in the conversation your wife desired? You gave your husband the same attention you give your co-workers each day? You set aside time to talk. You brought back some romance. You refused to allow life to get the best of the relationship you dreamed about. What if today was the day that you got the best of your spouse? That could change everything.

What is one thing you could do this Valentine’s Day that would make a difference in your marriage?